The Lost Daughter of Liverpool: A heartbreaking and gritty family saga (The Mersey Trilogy Book 1)

by Pam Howes

  ‘Yes, yes.’ She bounced up and down. ‘Daddy come and see.’ She thrust the metal tube at Joe, instructing him as Frank had done her. Dora smiled and threw the discarded coloured paper onto the fire and went into the kitchen to help her mam finish the dinner preparations.

  Jackie was upstairs having a late morning nap so that she’d be fresh for the rest of the day. Dora felt happier today than she’d done in a long time and was planning to tell Joe something later that she hoped he’d agree to. She’d been off her sedatives for a while and felt she was coping well. Her state of depression was now behind her. She knew it wouldn’t be all plain sailing, but she felt strong enough and ready to resume her role as mother to both her daughters.

  Joe felt his jaw drop when Dora made her announcement as the family finished their Christmas dinner.

  ‘I’m coming home with you.’ Her cheeks were flushed and her blue eyes bright as she smiled at him. She looked almost normal and he thought back to the last time this had happened, when Carol was a few months old and Frank had bought her the new sewing machine. ‘My bags are all packed and Mam and Frank think it’s a good idea that we should try and get back to how we were again. I’ve been doing so well with Carol on the Sundays we’ve spent together.’

  Joe spluttered and shook his head. ‘I don’t think I can allow that, Dora.’

  ‘But, Joe, you can’t stop me, it’s my home and they’re my children.’ Her eyes filled with tears.

  ‘I know that, love.’ He pulled her to her feet and into the sitting room. ‘This is madness, Dora. You know how you feel about Carol. I can’t take any risks with her safety.’

  ‘We are fine, if you’ll just give me a minute to explain, instead of yelling at me.’

  Joe shrugged and ran his hands through his hair. ‘Go on then, explain.’

  ‘I got Carol ready for bed on my own the other night when it was your works do and she was fine for me. Mam made me do it while she saw to Jackie. Then I played Ludo with her and we had fun when I let her win. She helped me wrap a few things for under the tree and I read her a story when I put her into bed. She was in my bed all night, Joe, and she snuggled close to me. In the morning she was okay too. I really want to come home and be a proper mother to both our girls.’

  Joe felt a cold hand around his heart. While he’d been cuddled up to Ivy, his little girl had been sleeping next to a mother who’d admitted she couldn’t really cope with her. He stared at her, this woman he’d once loved more than life itself. She was a stranger to him these days. One minute there was nothing in her eyes, and now this sudden warmth. What if it went away again while he was working? What if she harmed Carol if she played up, as she was wont to do? Could he take the risk? Dare he? Everyone deserved another chance, but this was his daughter’s life.

  He pushed Dora gently down onto the sofa and sat beside her. He took her hands in his as she stared at him. ‘Now listen to me. Today isn’t the day to take you home with us for good. I need to prepare for that, gradually. I’m going to suggest something to you and I want you to think carefully about what I’m saying. I’m going home in a bit with Carol. Tomorrow I will come and get you and Jackie and bring you back with us for a few days. I’ll see how you cope looking after both girls. I need reassurance, Dora, that I can go to work and you can handle them both. And don’t forget this; your mam won’t be in the next room to help you.’ He saw a tear run down her cheek and knew he had to give her the benefit of the doubt, but it wasn’t going to be easy, for either of them.

  ‘Okay,’ she whispered. ‘If that’s what you want, Joe. But it hurts that you’re pushing me out. That you still want to keep me away from my daughter. I need you to see things how I see them. I didn’t ask to be depressed. I’ve been through a lot, our baby’s death, then losing Joanie and Dad so close together. All that affected the way I coped with things. Do you understand?’

  ‘You know I do. But it’s not just about us, is it? We have two little girls to put first.’ He felt sick with worry. He still loved her and wanted to help her, but it was more the feeling of love for a sister than a lover these days. He cared deeply, he always would, but the passion he’d once felt had faded and from her reactions to him earlier, she didn’t feel the same as she used to either. Maybe real love would return when they were back to normal, whatever normal was.

  Dora felt the butterflies dancing in her stomach as Joe swung around the corner and pulled up outside their bungalow. Last night, packing her final things at Mam’s, she’d convinced herself she’d be fine, but now the doubts were starting to crowd in. She took a deep breath and turned to smile at him. It would be difficult, but she was determined to try her best. Joe needed to feel confident in her ability to cope.

  Inside the house she glanced around. It didn’t look so different really. The walls were in need of a coat of emulsion to freshen them up. It seemed ages since she and Joe had distempered in here, just before they moved in. A lifetime ago, in fact, and a lot had happened in that short space of time. So much loss that still hung heavy in her heart. Her eyes immediately went to the framed photo of Joanie on the mantelpiece and she instantly felt calmer. ‘Help me cope, Joanie,’ she whispered.

  Joe followed her in with Jackie in his arms, Carol by his side. ‘Show Mammy the bike Father Christmas brought you, Carol,’ he said, patting her on the head. Carol hung back, looking unsure, until Dora smiled and held out her hand. She followed Carol into the bedroom, where the little red three-wheel bike sat in pride of place.

  ‘Aren’t you a lucky girl?’ Dora admired the bike and Carol got on it and immediately pedalled into the cupboard. ‘Oh dear, be careful.’ Dora bit her lip, looking at the scratch on the cupboard door. ‘Maybe ride it in the garden later. Come on, let’s go find Daddy and Jackie.’

  Joe set Jackie down on the carpet and she crawled to the sofa and pulled herself up. Dora sat down and lifted her up to sit beside her. Carol immediately ran forward and Dora patted the seat next to her and Carol cuddled close. On the coffee table was a copy of Peter Pan. Dora picked it up and turned to the first page.

  ‘This is a very good story, shall we read it?’

  Carol nodded and at the sight of all three snuggled together Joe breathed a sigh of relief and went to put the kettle on.

  He stood with his back against the kitchen door and lit a cigarette. Dare he hope for a future for them all? And would Ivy accept that he couldn’t see her any more without kicking up a big stink and landing him in it? He’d been desperate the other night, frustrated as hell, and she’d been more than willing, but he’d kept a polite distance on Christmas Day and taken his leave right after tea had finished, claiming Carol was tired. Then there was Dolly. Would she use her discretion or her gob? Only time would tell.

  By the time her dad’s daffodils started to bloom in spring and Jackie had her first birthday, Dora was back home for good. Joe felt comfortable about leaving her in charge while he was at work, and in turn she felt like she’d never been away from her little family and the bungalow. They’d repainted the sitting room and kitchen. Joe took charge of the garden and the whole place felt like home again. She’d used her machine and made a couple of floral print dresses each for the girls to wear over Easter. Carol had helped her by passing things to her as she needed them. Dora had enjoyed seeing the self-important expression on her daughter’s face as she’d been praised for handing over the correct colour of thread from the big work box in the cupboard. Living at her mam’s place was fast becoming a distant memory, although Mam popped in regularly to offer a hand when she needed it.

  There was just one great big fly in the ointment and it wouldn’t go away. Joe was annoyed that she still wouldn’t allow him to share their bed and that she refused to discuss it with him. She couldn’t take the risk, even though he’d bought a supply of contraceptives when he’d had his hair cut at the barber’s.

  He’d pleaded with her, told her he’d wear two and then there was no danger of her getting pregnant. Agnes had worked out a
calendar with her for the rhythm method that she and Alan used, with protection in the weeks when she knew she was most fertile. So far it had worked for Agnes, who didn’t want more kids and was happy with the result. But Dora had hidden the calendar away in a drawer out of Joe’s sight.

  She dreaded the time after the girls had gone to bed and they were alone in the sitting room, relaxing and listening to the wireless or their records. All he wanted to talk about was them getting some help to deal with the problem and it was driving her crazy. He said he missed her and loved her and they couldn’t go on like this. She loved him too and she knew she was being unfair to him. He was her husband and he had rights and needs. She no longer had those needs; they’d been quashed by fear of what may happen to her with another pregnancy. The thought terrified her and Joe sleeping on the sofa was the only way she could cope with the situation and be certain she was safe.

  One week before Easter, Dolly knocked on the door and Dora let her in. Carol had gone to the shops with her mam and Jackie was asleep in her cot. She invited Dolly to sit down and made them a mug of Camp coffee.

  Dolly had brought round a bag of clothes that Alice had grown out of, for Carol. ‘There’s a few bits and bobs that might do for playing out in. Nothing fancy, but too decent to give to the rag and bone man.’ She took a sip of coffee and placed her mug down on the coffee table.

  Dora put the bag on the floor by the sofa. ‘Thank you very much. It’s really kind of you.’ She sensed there was another reason for Dolly’s visit and the clothes were an excuse to get over the doorstep.

  ‘How’s your Joe doing now you’re back together as a couple?’ There was emphasis on the word couple.

  Dora stiffened. Surely Joe hadn’t spoken to Eric about their problems?

  ‘We’re fine, thank you. Taking it a day at a time.’

  ‘And you’re finding Carol easier to cope with?’

  ‘Oh, yes. She has her moments, but they all do at that age. She’s a good little girl most of the time. Thank you for helping Joe with her when I was unable to live here. It’s much appreciated.’

  ‘Oh, you’re welcome. Any time, love. And it’s better than the alternative any day.’

  Dora frowned. ‘Alternative? I don’t understand what you mean.’

  ‘Well that bloody Ivy one of course. Trying to get her feet under the table with your Joe while you was laid up at yer mam’s. I had her measure all right, told her so at the works do. And swanning in here like she owned the place. Babysitting while Joe was out playing with his band on Saturday nights and then staying here till all hours after he got back. Mind you, she was good with your Carol, so I suppose any port in a storm, eh, chuck.’

  ‘Oh, er, yes, of course. Joe said she was good with Carol.’ Dora’s head was spinning and she wanted Dolly to go. Jackie woke at that point and yelled loudly, signalling feeding time. Dora jumped to her feet. ‘Right, I’ll see you out, Dolly; I need to feed Jackie. Thanks for the clothes.’ She practically bundled Dolly out of the bungalow and leant against the closed door, breathing deeply. Ivy had been here, in her home, with her husband and daughter. Joe hadn’t even told her he’d been playing with the band again on Saturday nights while she was at her mam’s. But then again, maybe he had said something and she couldn’t remember because of the hazy state she’d been in. No – surely she would recall a fact like that, no matter how out of it she’d been. There’d definitely been no mention of Ivy whatsoever. Jackie’s cries were getting louder and Dora hurried to the bedroom.

  By the time her mam and Carol arrived home she’d almost finished giving Jackie her dinner of mashed vegetables.

  ‘I’ve got us a couple of nice egg custards and some Cheshire cheese. They’d just got a delivery and it smelt lovely, and some oven bottoms as well. I’ll make us a nice sarnie. You okay, Dora? You look a bit pale, chuck.’

  ‘Er yes. I’m fine, thanks, Mam. Just had Dolly here and you know how she can talk the hind leg off a donkey, as Dad used to say.’

  ‘Oh aye, she can that.’ Mam smiled and took the shopping through to the kitchen.

  Dora wiped Jackie’s face, lifted her out of the high chair and sat her on the rug. ‘Carol, play nice with your sister for a minute while I speak to Granny.’ Carol nodded and sat down next to Jackie with her box of coloured bricks.

  ‘Mam, do you know if Joe played with the band at all while I was staying at your house?’ Dora asked, leaning against the sink unit while her mam buttered two oven bottoms for their sandwiches.

  ‘Yes I think he did, love. Said he needed the extra money badly as he couldn’t do any regular overtime because of getting home for Carol.’

  ‘Well, have you any idea who looked after Carol for him while he was out?’

  Mam’s brow wrinkled. ‘A couple of girls from work, I think he told Frank. Why?’

  ‘Oh nothing. Just wondered if it was someone we might be able to use again when we go out. If it was someone reliable.’

  ‘No use asking me, love. Ask Joe, he’ll know.’

  ‘I will.’ Dora filled the kettle, staring out of the window, her mind in turmoil. She wondered what else Joe had kept from her. Dolly said Ivy stayed till all hours after Joe got back. Why would she do that if she’d only been here to look after Carol? Had she sat with Joe here and had a nightcap with him, had they talked or listened to music and danced, like he used to do with her? Had he run his hands down Ivy’s back and kissed her? And she’d been at the last works do at Christmas, Dolly said. What had gone on there that had made Dolly have words with her?

  ‘Dora.’ Her mam’s voice brought her out of her thoughts. ‘That water’s going all over the place. Are you sure you’re okay, chuck?’

  ‘I’m fine. Just a bit preoccupied, that’s all.’ She put the kettle on the stove and made her escape to the bathroom. She sat down on the side of the bath, feeling like she’d been kicked in the stomach. Why hadn’t Joe told her about Ivy babysitting? Even at the risk of her being annoyed with him, he should still have said something. The very fact he’d kept it from her made her feel he’d got something to hide. And although there’d been no intimacy between her and Joe for ages, she still loved him and the pain she felt at the thought of him even kissing another woman was too much to bear. She took a couple of deep breaths, tormenting herself with thoughts of what Joe and Ivy had been up to in her absence. Had he slept with her in their bed? The thought made her feel sick. Maybe they were still seeing each other on the sly. Joe had needs that she couldn’t satisfy for him, but Ivy could, and Dora had no doubt the woman would do so quite willingly. How could she find out without asking him outright and causing a fall-out that would be impossible to take back? If he’d had sex with Ivy she didn’t want to be with him. The thought of him begging her to make love made her cringe. How could he do that when he knew he’d slept with Ivy? How could she ever trust him again? She’d been at her most vulnerable and he’d betrayed her.

  Her mam was shouting that her dinner was ready. She pulled the chain and splashed her face with cold water.

  Dora did her best to act normal that evening as Joe helped her to bath the girls and get them into bed, but she felt totally broken inside. It was hard to keep smiling as the girls giggled and kicked water everywhere. She couldn’t even look Joe in the eye, although he didn’t seem to notice and chased Carol squealing around her bedroom, growling like a bear, while Dora quietly got on with dressing Jackie. How could he be like that, knowing what he’d done? It wasn’t easy to keep quiet and not yell and scream at him like she wanted to. She needed a plan in her head of what she would do if she ever found out the truth. The more she analysed what Dolly had said the more convinced she was Joe was having an affair. Although deep inside she felt heartbroken that he could betray her after all the vows they’d made on the day they married, she wasn’t going to hang around and become an all-forgiving and downtrodden wife; she had more values about her than that, and if he’d betrayed her when she needed him most, what else would he do? She was perfec
tly capable of looking after herself and earning a living, so she knew she could take care of her family, even though it wouldn’t be easy. She checked herself. Her thoughts were getting out of hand now and swung from divorcing Joe to wanting it all to be a silly mistake, a figment of Dolly’s over-active imagination. There was no proof other than what Dolly had told her and everyone knew what a gossip she was. Why was she even letting her imagination run away like this?

  Joe smiled as he handed her a mug of tea. ‘Penny for them, chuck?’

  ‘They’re not worth a penny,’ she said quietly as he sat down beside her.

  CHAPTER 35

  On Easter Sunday Joe took them all to Sefton Park in the car he’d bought with the money his mother had given him. Dora had dressed her daughters in the new pink and white floral sundresses she’d made and each wore an identical white sunbonnet with a frilled peak. Jackie had just started to walk and Carol held her hand as they toddled along in front. Dora felt proud of her girls as people stopped to smile at them and admire their pretty outfits.

  ‘Another little Miss Independent,’ Joe said, catching hold of her hand and lacing his fingers through hers.

  ‘She’s not as bad as Carol was,’ Dora said stiffly, unlacing her fingers. She couldn’t bear any contact with his skin, knowing what she knew, or thought she knew. She tortured herself in bed at night thinking of Joe being intimate with Ivy. She’d found it hard to sleep the last few nights and knew she should tackle him before she got depressed again. It had to happen soon, for her sanity’s sake.

  Joe frowned and pointed across to the statues near the Palm House. ‘Carol, go over that way,’ he called. ‘Peter Pan’s over there.’

  Carol nodded and gently led Jackie over to the statue. Joe got out his camera as they stood by the base of Peter Pan. ‘Smile girls. There we go. Go on, Dora, stand with them while I take another.’