Christmas at the Cornish Café

by Phillipa Ashley

  Before such thoughts derail my whole night, I plunge back into the Christmas market on a mission to get Cal a gift. Soon I’m lost among the festive tat and trinkets: bobble hats, scarves, faux-fur gilets, flashing reindeer ears, packets of chocolate seagull droppings, mulled cider truffles, Rudolphs made of shells, snow globes with trawlers inside, and singing Santas who drop their trousers to show their bums. Everything you need, in fact, for a perfect family festive season.

  It’s no good, I can’t see anything for Cal and I daren’t be away any longer, so I wind back towards the stall. The break has been exactly what I needed but I’ve already been away far too long. What if Robyn and the girls have had a disaster while I’ve been shopping and daydreaming? They need me.

  Mitch and I have a home, a job I love, I’m almost my own boss, and I do have friends who are even better than family, I have Cal … If I want to. If I dare.

  I spot him ahead, walking towards me up the narrow alley that’s a shortcut from Fore Street to the harbour area where our stall is. The sounds of the festival are muted here, and we’re alone for the first time this evening.

  ‘Hi there. Is everything OK?’ he asks.

  ‘It’s fine. Robyn and Andi are looking after the stall. I didn’t really need a break, but Nina forced me.’

  Cal nods at the bag in my hand. ‘What have you bought?’

  ‘A sarong for Robyn. I’ve been doing a bit of Christmas shopping.’

  He smiles. ‘So it’s not for me?’

  ‘I don’t think purple batik is your thing.’

  ‘You look and smell great.’

  ‘Of cider and pasties?’

  ‘Of course.’

  He steps forward and before I know where I am, he’s kissing me deeply. It’s the first time I’ve been in his arms since our row and it feels amazing. If his kiss wasn’t delicious enough, he tastes of chocolate and mulled cider. I mean, what’s a girl to do with a combination like that? He cradles my face in his hands and his fingers are warm against my chilly skin. I pull him against me, greedy for the pressure of his body against mine. The tensions between us are forgotten in this moment.

  In the background, the voices of the Fisherman’s Choir drift into my consciousness as we end our kiss and simply stand together in the alley. Cal wraps his arms around me and I rest my cheek against his jacket. The choir starts an old Cornish folk song, ‘Trelawney’. I recognise it from a CD my mum bought my Nana Demelza. I wish they were both here now. My heart feels as if it might crack in half.

  ‘What’s up?’ Cal whispers into my hair. I know I’m making his coat damp with my tears.

  ‘Nothing. I was only thinking of what a difference a year makes.’

  He squeezes me tighter. I think he senses what I’m going through and why. Perhaps he’s feeling it too. ‘I know.’

  ‘Sometimes I don’t think that my life now can be real. Perhaps I’m going to wake up in a shop doorway or discover I’ve jumped into another girl’s shoes by mistake and that I’ve got to hand them back and have my old worn-out ones.’

  ‘You won’t have to give anything back or let it go. You’ve made it all happen. And I promise you, you’re real.’ He squeezes my bottom, making me snap up and look him in the eyes.

  ‘You have a cheek, Cal Penwith!’

  ‘Not as cute as yours.’ He squeezes my bum again and stifles any protest with a glorious snog. His mouth is warm and he tastes spicy and delicious. His tongue darts into my mouth and he pulls me against him. It’s so good to be back in his arms, I don’t want it to end.

  ‘Shall we abandon the stalls and go back to Kilhallon to bed?’

  ‘I’d like that.’

  His eyes shine. ‘So will you think again about my offer? I’m making it now, in private, as I should have done the first time. I’m so sorry about that, I was wrong. So move in with me, Demi. The nights are cold and long without you and Mitch. There’s a bed for him in the kitchen.’

  ‘Mitch won’t approve. He might not want to live in the farmhouse.’

  ‘He will. You know he’d do anything for me after I saved his life and yours.’

  I gasp. ‘It wasn’t that dramatic!’

  ‘Don’t spoil it.’ He tucks a lock of hair under my hat. ‘Say you will.’

  ‘I will think about it. But not tonight.’

  His face falls. ‘At least promise that you’ll spend Christmas Day with me. It’ll be just the two of us because Polly’s going to her daughter’s, Robyn’s in Australia with Andi and Uncle Rory’s going to his girlfriend’s. The holiday guests will be too drunk and stuffed to need anything. It can just be us, together, having a cosy Cornish Christmas. I’ll even cook Christmas dinner if you promise to look after me for the rest of the day.’

  His wink tells me how he’d expect me to look after him. My throat tightens.

  ‘And,’ he says, ‘you still have to repay my bet.’

  ‘What bet’s that?’

  ‘I think it involved a filing cabinet and your knickers.’ He raises his eyebrows, and every inch of my skin threatens to set on fire.

  ‘That is a very tempting offer.’

  ‘The filing cabinet or the Christmas invitation?’

  ‘Both …’ I whisper.

  Cal’s eyes glint with wicked promise. ‘Great. Stay in the farmhouse on Christmas Eve night then we can have a champagne breakfast while we open our presents. Once we’ve managed to drag ourselves out of bed, of course.’

  Presents. Damn, I’ve still no idea what to give him. I don’t want to embarrass him or me by going over the top, not that I can afford to go over the top. But I don’t want to hand over a Christmas jumper when he gives me a bracelet or necklace … no way, Cal would never go for that slushy stuff. He’s probably thinking of a new food processor or set of saucepans. Come to think of it, we still haven’t replaced the oven gloves.

  ‘You must have something in mind for me?’ I tease, hoping to get a clue about mine so I can respond in kind.

  Cal’s breath is warm and soft on the side of my neck. ‘Of course I do.’

  ‘Going to give me a hint?’

  ‘It wouldn’t be a surprise if I gave you too many hints, but I hope you’ll like it.’

  He tilts up my head and kisses my throat.

  ‘Is it clothes?’ I murmur, hardly able to breathe.

  His hands settle on my waist, pulling me gently against him and leaving me in no doubt about how he feels. ‘Actually, clothes were the last thing I had in mind.’

  ‘Cal, you are imposs—’ My frankly pathetic protest is cut off by Cal’s mouth. He kisses me until I feel dizzy.

  ‘Demi!’

  Robyn appears in the gap of the alley. ‘Oh, sorry.’

  ‘It’s OK.’

  ‘It’s not,’ Cal mutters. Glowing inside I try to wipe the smug smile off my face. I will think about moving in with him. The nights are long and cold, and I can tell by the look on his face, he wants me – and needs me.

  ‘I’m coming!’ I call to Robyn.

  ‘Later, I hope so,’ Cal says with a wicked grin.

  ‘Shhh!’ I say.

  ‘I mean it. Several times,’ he shouts.

  Ignoring every impulse to jump him here in the cold alley on the cobbles, I scoot away without glancing behind.

  Back at the stall, I return to my work with new enthusiasm, although it’s not that easy to concentrate with Cal’s words ringing in my ears and the memory of his warm mouth on mine. Making up was – and is – going to be amazing and, what’s more, I can’t believe how well the festival is going. So many people have asked about Kilhallon Park and even though the crowds are slightly thinner now that the younger families have gone home, the streets are still very busy with couples and young groups. Nina has taken over serving customers while I refill the mulled cider barrel and retrieve the last batch of mince pies from the crate. The pasties are long gone and soon we’ll almost sell out of everything.

  ‘There’s more hot cider,’ I say to Nina during a lull in
the queue. ‘And the pies are ready, but it’s our final lot. I’ll take over on the counter if you want to start clearing up a bit?’

  As I turn round, Nina has just finished serving her customer and a new one stands in front of the stall. Catching sight of me, he frowns then stares at me like I’m an alien.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  ‘Demi?’

  I almost drop the pies onto the cobbles as the man says my name. ‘It is you, not a double, isn’t it?’

  My stomach churns and I glance down at the counter. ‘What can I get you, sir?’

  ‘What do you mean, “what can you get me, sir”?’

  ‘I’m afraid all the pasties have sold out, but we still have cider and mince pies. You can have them with a dollop of clotted cream if you want, sir.’

  ‘You can get me two pies and I don’t want any cream, but it’d be nice if you at least acknowledged my existence.’

  I want to speak to him, I want to say ‘hello, how are you?’ but I can’t say the words. It must be the shock of seeing him here right in front of me with no warning. I can’t cope unless I pretend he’s just any other customer. I couldn’t handle a confrontation or a big emotional scene. I just want him to leave before I totally lose it in public. Avoiding his face, I drop the pies onto a paper plate, with shaking hands.

  Nina is at my arm. ‘Everything OK?’ she murmurs. ‘I can serve this customer if you like?’

  ‘No. I’m fine,’ I murmur.

  Still unable to meet my father’s eyes, I shove the plate at him. ‘That’ll be one pound twenty, sir.’

  A woman joins Dad at the counter in front of me. She’s in her early thirties, wearing a huge fake-fur coat but it can’t disguise the fact that she’s massively pregnant. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if she gave birth right here and now.

  ‘Demi? Bloody hell, it is her!’

  ‘It looks like her,’ Dad grunts. Coins land on the counter. ‘Here’s your money,’ he says roughly. ‘You can keep the change.’

  I won’t look at him; I won’t. I can’t. A hand snatches the plate and he hisses at me. ‘And thanks for not acknowledging your own father. Great. Really great.’

  ‘Wait!’ I call, but it’s too late. My heart sinks. I wish I’d had the courage to speak to him. I didn’t want to seem callous and cold. I just didn’t know how to handle seeing him like that again, out of the blue. As my dad and his girlfriend, Rachel, bustle away, I can hear them muttering and Rachel saying in a loud voice, ‘what have we done to her. Why is she like this?’ But their voices are soon swallowed up by all the other sounds of the choir and bands and general hubbub.

  I should go after them but my legs seem frozen to the spot. I’m trembling. Seeing him again – and with Rachel – brings back memories I’d tried to bury. He must have been just as shocked as me and he did try to speak to me. But I’m not ready to talk to him yet; not here in the middle of all these crowds of strangers. Why did he have to appear now, in my new life? Why do I have to face the past when I’d buried it in a dark corner where it can’t hurt me?

  ‘Demi. Are you all right?’Nina lays her hand on my arm. Her eyes are full of concern.

  ‘Yes. Fine. Fine …’

  ‘You’ve gone really pale. Did that bloke and his wife give you any hassle? He acted like you knew him. Let me take over. Go and get some fresh air or sit down. Shall I call Cal?’

  ‘No!’

  ‘OK. OK,’ she says quietly.

  ‘Argh. Sorry, Nina. I didn’t mean to be grouchy. Just a bit of a headache coming on. There are customers,’ I say, seeing the older couple now at the front of the queue giving us anxious and impatient looks. ‘I just need a bit of air for a moment. I’ll be back …’

  In the alley at the rear of the stall, I take a few deep breaths but the mix of fried onions from the burger bar next to ours and beer from the pub terrace makes me feel sick. Why, why, why did I react like that to seeing my dad and Rachel again? I hate to admit, but my dad looked really healthy, better than I remember him looking since Mum died, and Rachel was obviously ready to pop. Oh God, her baby will be my half-brother or sister.

  Leaning against the wall, I swallow hard. That makes two siblings I’ll never see if things carry on like this. My brother, Kyle, left home before me to join the army. Although we were never that close, I do wonder where he is and I’ve tried to find out a few times. Dad told me he was safe and back in the UK the last time I spoke to him, but I don’t know which base he’s stationed at. I do care about my family, even if I pretend to others and even myself that I don’t. But we’re still split apart, so what kind of a family does that make us? Especially this near to Christmas, when people are supposed to come together.

  ‘Demi?’

  Cal walks to me.

  ‘What’s happened? Nina said somebody’s been hassling you.’

  ‘Nothing. No.’

  ‘Doesn’t look like nothing. You’re white as a sheet and your pulse is racing.’

  I look down at my wrist to find Cal holding it. I snatch it away.

  ‘Was it that bloke and his girlfriend? The pregnant one?’

  ‘You saw them?’

  ‘I saw them queue up, but I was busy. They were muttering when they walked off. I thought they were pissed off because you’d run out of pasties or something.’ Smiling, he takes my hand again. ‘You’re whacked after all the preparation for this thing. Please don’t feel under pressure about what I said earlier. I won’t hassle you any more about moving in with me.’

  ‘It’s not that!’

  My voice rings off the walls.

  ‘Whoa.’

  ‘Shit. I’m sorry, Cal, but that bloke and the woman – that was my dad and his girlfriend.’

  There’s a pause, then: ‘Ah. Shit. I had no idea.’

  ‘Neither did I. I never expected to see him again. It was stupid of me. Of course, he would come to the festival, with her. Everyone for miles around is here.’

  ‘It had to happen sometime.’

  ‘But in public? In front of the customers and Nina? Oh, God, I went to pieces. I had no idea what to say or how to feel. I didn’t even acknowledge him.’

  ‘No wonder he was upset.’

  ‘But he never seemed upset when I was at home. He never even seemed to notice me unless it was to criticise me. I may as well not have existed after Mum died. It’s as if he blamed me for Mum dying, though I don’t know why, and then he started drinking, he was oblivious to most things.’

  ‘Demi. It must have been impossible for him. He wasn’t a hands-on dad anyway, and your mum died and he was left with a teenage daughter who adored her. He had his own grief and he doesn’t sound very good at handling emotions anyway. Your brother got the hell out of the place, didn’t he?’

  ‘Kyle wasn’t much older than me. I don’t blame him for joining up.’

  ‘No, but that left you and your dad together. You were devastated and young and angry and might have blamed your father for making your mum’s life unhappy. Did you?’

  ‘I don’t know. I might have. Yes, he wasn’t warm and loving to her like he should have been. I hated him for that. She deserved better.’

  ‘It sounds like a recipe for disaster. A powder keg.’

  ‘I suppose so, but now? I still feel the same way.’

  ‘I’m the last person to offer family counselling.’ He smiles and holds me by the arms. ‘But things might have changed, don’t you think? Maybe now might be a good time to at least call him?’

  ‘What will I say? I just made things much worse!’

  ‘Tell him the truth. That you were taken by surprise and didn’t know how to react. That you’d like to speak to him or, better still, meet in a neutral place.’

  ‘I don’t know if I can. I don’t know if I’m brave enough to face it all.’

  ‘Brave? You’re one of the bravest people I’ve ever met, Demi. Do you mean that talking to him will be awkward? Uncomfortable? Sad? You told me to take a risk in taking you on. Now I’m te
lling you to do the same by contacting your dad.’

  ‘You sound like Polly. She’s tried to make me see him again.’

  ‘Then for once in my life I’m happy to sound like Polly. Come here.’ He hugs me, saying nothing, just holding me. My father’s face comes into focus in my mind again. He looked healthy and well. He was smiling at Rachel, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so at ease with himself. Not since before my mum became ill. There were good times when I was younger. Good times, calm times, and then everything started to come apart at the seams, becoming worse and worse. Cal might be right. He couldn’t cope. I couldn’t cope.

  ‘You can’t pretend your family doesn’t exist,’ he murmurs. ‘Your father was obviously willing to talk to you even if he was upset that you blanked him, and who can blame him? Maybe he genuinely wanted to reach out and try to pull his family together again. It might be worth thinking about calling him again.’ His voice rises in a question so I nod, even though the idea of revisiting the bad memories and conflict makes me feel physically sick.

  ‘I’ll think about it,’ I say, hoping to do exactly the opposite.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  Cal

  Poor Demi. What a shock for her dad and his girlfriend to turn up like that, without any warning. Although half of West Cornwall’s here tonight and we do have a prime location, so maybe it wasn’t that surprising.

  She’s returned to the stall now, leaving me in the alley. I said I wanted to nip to one of the shops to get a scarf for Polly, but the truth is I’d seen something on a stall that would be perfect for Demi herself.

  It’s hard for her to have to bump into her father again and revisit bad times. Especially when she seems to be coming round to the idea of moving in with me, when I’d almost convinced her that I’m serious about us. Our conversation just now was certainly a good start and as soon as this festival’s over, I’ll ask her to stay the night and try and get her to open up about her dad.

  For now, I need to get my purchases done as fast as possible and get back to the stall. Neither shopping nor ‘selling’ Kilhallon are my natural activities. I turn to walk down the alley towards the harbour when I hear a cough behind me. A man steps out from the darkness of a shop doorway and I recognise him instantly. He throws his cigarette on the ground.