by Justin Coke
Chevalier
Shadow Hunter
Squid Herder
Medicine Man
Buy Sell
Gold
Materials
Slaves[14] Crops
Crime
Hayes’s eyebrows shot up at the Crime forum. He clicked.
WE REAVE YOUR ENEMIES’ CROPS, FACTORIES, MINES, WE DRIVE HIS SLAVES BEFORE US AND REJOICE IN THEIR SCREAMS —by Reaving4Fun
WTB DUPING TOOLS —by Twiddlecakes
THRILL KILL Cult: WE INFILTRATE, WE ROB, WE KILL FOR FUN AND PROFIT. DISCOUNT FOR FUN JOBS —by ThrillKillCult
He clicked on the link.
THRILL KILL Cult: WE OPERATE IN ALL THE GOOD MMOS, BUT WE ALL KNOW MUNDIS IS THE MOST FUN FOR THE THRILL KILL CultISTS. YOU’VE HEARD OF US. YOU KNOW WHAT WE CAN DO. WE ARE NOT CHEAP. WE TAKE USD, BITCOIN, FRESH CANADIAN MAPLE SYRUP, AND THAT’S IT. NO GOLD, NO GRASS, NO ASS.
WE FUCK YOUR ENEMIES UNTIL THEY BLEED. IT’S WORTH EVERY PENNY. IN MUNDIS WE OFFER THE FOLLOWING SERVICES: HONEY POTTING, BIG STORE, BEIJING TEA, SCOOT-SCOOT, GLIM-DROPPER, BADGER GAME, WHITE-VAN SPEAKER, PIG-IN-A-POKE, SENILE MONEY CHANGER,[15] AND RUN OF THE MILL CONFIDENCE GAMES, SCAMS, EXTORTION, NO CURSE ASSASSINATION,[16] CORPORATE ESPIONAGE, AND ANYTHING ELSE THAT LETS US GET OUR PSYCHOPATHIC ROCKS OFF WITHOUT HAVING TO WORRY ABOUT GOING TO REAL JAIL. NO RMT MONEY LAUNDERING,[17] NO CP,[18] NO REAL JAIL SHIT. DON’T EVEN TRY TO TALK US INTO IT OR WE WILL CALL THE COPS. NO POUND-ME-IN-THE-ASS PRISON FOR CultISTS. IT COSTS $50 FOR THE INITIAL CONSULTATION. NON REFUNDABLE. PAYPAL [email protected]. YOUR MARCONI USERNAME IN MEMO LINE. WAIT 24 HOURS. OUR MARCONI SERVER: MURDERKILLDIE.MARCONI.NET. STAY THERE UNTIL SOMEONE TALKS TO YOU. DON’T GET IMPATIENT AND HAVE YOUR CREDIT CARD READY.
TO BE CLEAR: MONEY UP FRONT IN FULL OR WE DON’T DO SHIT. YOU CAN’T DO THAT, DON’T BOTHER.
SINCERELY,
KID TWIST
P.S. IF YOU TRY TO REVERSE THE PAYPAL TRANSACTION WE WILL FIND YOU AND SKULL FUCK YOU. THE LAST GUY WHO TRIED THAT GOT RUN OUT OF MUNDIS ON A RAIL. WHEN HE PLAYS FARMVILLE, WE COME IN THE NIGHT AND BURN HIS CROPS. DON’T BE STUPID.
P.P.S. DON’T BE BORING.
Hayes’s bank balance was $5.63, but he had a rainy day credit card with no balance. He dug the card out as he typed with one hand to make the $50 payment.
Chapter Four
He paid. He waited a day. He logged into the Marconi server while he went to Mundisbank.com.[19] He clicked on his server. The gold ran from 1000 (3.99 USD)[20] to 500,000[21] for $2000. He bought the 500,000 package even as part of his mind screamed about making rent.You will be contacted within two hours to arrange drop off. Drop off will occur at Londinium in front of the bank.
“Hello?” someone said. Hayes tabbed to bring Marconi to the front of the screen. Kid Twist was in the room.
“Hello,” Hayes said.
“I’m going to drag you into a private room. One second.”
Marconi: You have moved to the Blue Buddha room.
“So, what’s up?” Kid Twist said. “How can we help?”
“I need you to infiltrate, spy on, and ultimately no-curse assassinate a guy. I want to know everything about his business so I can destroy it, and I want to be wearing his own armor when I do it.”
“Okay. That sounds pretty fun,” Kid Twist said. “Why?”
“Why?”
“Why are you willing to spend money to fuck this guy?”
“He taught me what it means to hate,” Hayes said, surprised at himself as the words came out. “I mean, I just need to get even with him.”
“What’d he do to you?”
“He ... I was going to get my mount ... ”
“You aren’t max level?”
“Not yet.”
“You’re spending real money and you don’t even have a max level yet?”
“Look. The job is the job. The money is real. What difference does it make why I want to pay you?”
“Fair enough. What’s his weakness?”
“Uh ... ”
“Is he greedy? Horny? What’s his problem, is what I’m saying.”
“I don’t know, really. He’s a sadist.”
“What happened exactly?”
“He was ganking me on my way to get my mount. Then I guess he has multiple accounts, he logs in on his Palladium account to pretend to help me out, instead he takes me to this big hole.”
“You fell for the Black Hole of Calcutta gag?”
“Black Hole?”
“Dropping people in the Black Hole of Calcutta, it’s out in Squalid ... oh. You drew a bad variation.”
“The worst.”
“You’re mad he fucked with you like that.”
“Yes.”
“Tell you what, for five bucks we’ll help you get your body back, shouldn’t take very long.”
“I already did that.”
“Escort you to get the mount?”
“It’s past that.”
“Past that?”
“I have to get revenge. I can’t let him win.”
“If you’re that sensitive to assholes, you really shouldn’t be playing multi-player games. It’ll drive you crazy. In fact, you should probably become Amish. The internet is not for you.”
“Look. My reasons are my own. I have the money.”
“It’s insane.”
“Doesn’t that make it more fun?”
Kid Twist grunted.
“Give me a minute,” Kid Twist said. “Let me run this past the rest of the crew.”
He waited for five minutes, while Rabaul danced naked in front of the bank of Londinium.
Marconi: Kid Twist has Entered. Mad Hatter has entered. Tick Tock has entered.
“We hear you have some kind of insane revenge plan,” a woman said as the name Tick Tock lit up.
“I don’t think it’s insane,” Hayes said.
“It sounds crazy,” Tick Tock said.
“Look, I have to do what I have to do.”
“I like insane revenge,” a man said. “I’m Mad Hatter. The lady is Tick Tock, you’ve met Kid Twist. I don’t have a problem with this. It sounds fun. Two thousand and we’re in.”
“Okay,” Hayes said.
Kid Twist whistled. “No haggling?”
“I just spent two grand to buy gold for this. Money is not an object.”
“It probably should be,” Kid Twist said.[22]“Stop trying to talk sense to the guy,” Mad Hatter said.[23] “Send us two grand, we’re in.”
“Done,” Hayes said.
“Who is the target?” Tick Tock[24] said. “Guy named Teabagz. Or Oji.”
“Teabagz? The Teabagz?” Tick Tock said.
“You know him?”
“I end up PVPing him with him every time they release new battlegrounds rewards. Somehow he always gets an invite.”[25] “Oh ... fuck,” Hayes said.
“No, no. I know that guy. I get you. I get it. I don’t know why I didn’t already do it,” Mad Hatter said. “Send us five hundred. Seriously, how did it take this long for his number to come up?”
“Guy has some kind of slime ball charisma I guess,” Kid Twist said.
“I’m shaking my head, really. Five hundred, we’re with you all the way. This is going to be so. Much. Fun!”
“Awesome. So where do we begin?”
“You go get a max level character,” Kid Twist said. “We’ll handle the rest. What you want, you have time. A proper infiltration takes months.”
It the game, he saw a private message.
Blankityblank: You ready? Invite.
/Invite blankityblank
A window opened. Blankityblank was offering him 500000 gold. He took it.
Blankityblank: Thank you for business.
Hayes disbanded the group and headed over to the Exchange.[26]He didn’t really understand investing yet, something he would have to work on, so he put it all in Londinium Municipal Bonds. The rate of return was wretched, barely beating inflation, but it was better than nothing
. The only way it wouldn’t be paid is if Londinium[27] fell; if Londinium fell, the Palladium Fraternity died with it, so it was as safe an investment as there was in Mundis.The way to make real money was to join a good guild; guilds owned huge swathes of the best land and divvied them up among their members. 500,000 gold could get you a good sized chunk of prime farmland, or a good oak forest, or a small iron mine, or some other investment that, properly managed, could provide the passive income needed to allow the player to take the risks needed to make the real money, which was in exploiting the black market trade in goods. But no guild worth its salt would take a guy who didn’t have a max level character, no matter how much money he had.
The Squalids had vast tracts of natural resources and the sole source of Adranyic in the whole world, a necessary component to create the best armor. They had no compunction about strip mining their lands, but Squalid crafting was generally inferior—something something, comparative advantage. The Palladium Fraternity made the best weaponry, while the Shadow People had the best enchantments, but their religious commitments meant that exploiting the land was difficult for them, so they were always in need of ore.[28]The designer’s intent had been that each faction’s weakness would create interesting differences in play style between factions. The players had a different idea.
A high-level player wanted armor made of Squalid ore, forged by a Palladium blacksmith, and enchanted by a Shadow Person. They had thousands of NPC slaves tending fields and mining ore to pay for the best. The intricate trade network that resulted transcended war, the Terms of Service, or any other consideration. People liked to complain that it violated the spirit of the eternal three-way war that was supposed to define the game, but when it came to their own armor they had no scruples, and certainly didn’t refuse when a Squalid trader offered to pay them 5000 gold for each sword they made with the Squalid’s own materials. Others replied that the trade could easily be stopped by simply making it impossible for people from opposing factions to open trade boxes,[29] and that Tsunami’s refusal to do that was a tacit approval of the whole black market trade.Investment made, he kept a thousand back and headed over to the Job Center. He clicked on the hobbled old man who ran the Job Center, and a window appeared. He drafted his mission.
Job Type: Escort
Destination: Kai’la’la
Description: Escort me to Kailala, keep me alive long enough to finish my mount quest.
Pay: 200 gold.
Confirm.
The job was taken five minutes later, and twenty minutes after that a warlock summoned him into a cave. Ibis the Wicked sat next to a fire at his feet.
Two minutes later, Rabaul sat on his flaming Demonsteed, while the warlock who had summoned him stared at him.
“Oh,” Hayes said. He confirmed the job was complete; the money appeared in the warlock’s pocket, and he rode off without another word.
“Fuck you, Teabagz, I’ll trample your ass,” Hayes whispered to himself as he made the horse leap around the cave. Having money was really nice.
Chapter Five
Now that he was unemployed, he split his days between leveling his warlock and his rogues. Because you could only have characters of the same faction on one server, he bought a second copy of the game and created a Squalid rogue.
The rogue’s most important ability was stealth—the ability to sneak up on people unseen, and then use a series of stuns and knockdowns to ravage his opponent. In the paper/rock/scissors of an MMO, if the rogue was rock, mages were scissors. Leveling two of them—one Squalid rogue for spying, one Palladium rogue for stabbing—was exhausting.
Still, he had a long, long way to go before he could make Teabagz sweat. He leveled furiously, shagging quests as fast as he could, and banging them out with ferocious efficiency. No longer did he worry about keeping his crafting skills up or making friends. It was all about maxing out the experience points per hour.
A week in, he got an email from Kid Twist.
SUMMARY OF EVENTS
TICKTOCK, VIA INTRODUCTION FROM MAD HATTER DURING A PUG[30] BG[31], BEGAN THE HONEYPOT.TICKTOCK BELIEVES TEABAGZ (HEREAFTER ‘TARGET’) IS ONLY PRETENDING TO BE INTERESTED IN GIRLS FOR THE SAKE OF APPEARANCES. HIS PUBLIC PERSONA IS LEWD AND CLAIMS CONSIDERABLE SEXUAL EXPERIENCE. ONCE TICKTOCK BEGAN FLIRTING WITH HIM, HE QUICKLY FLED GROUP.
TICKTOCK BELIEVES TEABAGZ IS PROTOTYPICAL 12-YEAR-OLD ASSHOLE, WHO USES BRAVADO AS COVER FOR MASSIVE INSECURITY. MAD HATTER SAYS THE TARGET’S VOICE IS NOT INCONSISTENT WITH THIS HYPOTHESIS, BUT THAT HE READS THE KID AS OLDER. KID TWIST HAS NOT HEARD TARGET SPEAK, SO CANNOT PROVIDE OPINION.
HONEYPOT IS LIKELY NOT FEASIBLE; TICKTOCK IS TOO SEXUALLY INTIMIDATING TO MAKE VIABLE SEDUCTRESS. ALSO IT’S SUPER CREEPY AND SORT OF RIDES THE ‘REAL JAIL’ LINE WE WON’T CROSS.
TICKTOCK IS OFF TARGET AND NOW DOING BACKEND RESEARCH, LOOKING TO LOCATE AND COMPROMISE OTHER MEMBERS OF SQUID PISTOL.
MAD HATTER IS SHOWING INTEREST IN TARGET ON PERSONAL LEVEL AND IS USING HIS CHEVALIER ALT TO PLAY 2 MAN ARENAS WITH TARGET. MH SAYS TARGET IS MEDIOCRE PVPER, BUT HIS GEAR AND INHERENT IMBALANCE IN CHEVALIER/MAGE COMBO IS SUFFICIENT FOR MH TO GET THEM RATED TO 2000.[32] MH BELIEVES SITUATION IS TEMPORARY AND THAT NEXT PATCH WILL KNOCK THEM DOWN TO 1900. TARGET UNDERSTANDS MAGE CLASS, BUT LACKS THE HIGH LEVEL SITUATIONAL AWARENESS THAT SEPARATES THE GOOD PLAYERS FROM THE BAD ONES. TARGET IS HAPPY WITH MH PERFORMANCE AND MESSAGES MH EVERY TIME HE IS ONLINE. MH PLAYING HARD TO CATCH, AS HE BELIEVES IT MAKES TARGET LIKE HIM MORE. MH BELIEVES TT’S ANALYSIS OF TARGET IS ESSENTIALLY ACCURATE. JUVENILE, INSECURE, NEEDY.HOWEVER, HE’S STILL A MASSIVE PRICK. WE’RE STILL IN THIS.
YOUR AUTHOR, KID TWIST, IS HANGING AROUND IN THE BACKGROUND OF TARGET‘S VISION. ONCE FAMILIARITY IS ESTABLISHED, I WILL BE DEPLOYED AS NEEDED. MH THINKS 3 MAN ARENA TEAM WITH TARGET AND MY MEDICINE MAN WOULD BE CAPABLE OF ACHIEVING EXALTED CHIEFTAIN PVP RANK (MH CANNOT CARRY TARGET TO THIS RANK BY HIMSELF), AND THAT THIS WOULD SOLIDIFY US IN HIS SOCIAL CIRCLE. HIS MEDIOCRITY AT PVP IS ANOTHER AREA OF INSECURITY.
I HAVE BEEN ACCUMULATING STREET TALK ON TARGET; BESIDES ENDLESS STORIES OF DOUCHEBAGGERY, THERE IS SURPRISINGLY LITTLE ACTUAL INFORMATION GIVEN TARGET’S APPARENT WEALTH AND FAME. TARGET POSSESSES TIMBER HOLDINGS ON SQUALID/SHADOW PEOPLE BORDER. THESE ARE SUBOPTIMAL HOLDINGS AS SHADOW PEOPLE GAIN FAITH POINTS WITH CONSTANT RAIDS OVER BORDER TO ‘PROTECT THE FOREST.’ TIMBER HOLDINGS ON BORDER ARE BARELY PROFITABLE DUE TO COST OF REPLACING MURDERED LUMBERJACKS AND HIGH COST OF DEFENSE. TYPICALLY BORDER TIMBER IS OWNED AS LOSS LEADER BY GUILDS WHOSE PRIMARY INTEREST IS PREVENTING SHADOW RAIDS ON THE MINES BEHIND FOREST, BUT TARGET DOES NOT POSSESS MINE HOLDINGS (PER STREET TALK). SURFACE LEVEL PROPERTY SEARCH CONFIRMS STREET TALK. TARGET SCAMS THE GULLIBLE. TARGET LOSES MONEY MORE THAN HE MAKES IT. HAS BURNED BRIDGES WITH EVERY MAJOR CONSORTIUM/BLACK MARKET PLAYER ON SERVER. RUNS HIS TRADE THROUGH LOW LEVEL BLACK MARKET TRADERS BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE WILL DEAL WITH HIM. THEY DEMAND BETTER PRICES AND CASH UP FRONT AS COMPENSATION FOR RISK OF DEALING WITH KNOWN SCAMMER. SPECULATION THAT TARGET IS SUPPORTED BY RMT GANGS WOULD RING TRUE IF THERE WAS ANY REASON FOR RMT GANGS TO NEED TARGET. NO OBVIOUS REASON PRESENTS ITSELF. THAT MAY SOUND LIKE A LOT, BUT HARDCORE PLAYER SCENE IS LIKE A RENFEST AFTER HOURS; EVERYONE HAS FUCKED EVERYONE AT LEAST ONCE. EVERYONE KNOWS EVERYONE’S SECRETS. YOUR AUTHOR WOULD THINK TARGET IS A POSER, EXCEPT FOR FACT THE TARGET IS GENUINELY WEALTHY.
OTHER POSSIBLE SOURCES OF INCOME: WEALTHY PARENT’S CREDIT CARD.
WILL UPDATE FURTHER WHEN SUBSTANTIVE INFORMATION IS DISCOVERED.
He wondered if Kid Twist got off on using all caps because he thought it read like a police report.[33] He responded.Is anyone working the Palladium side? I did mention that he also runs Oji
The response came quickly:
ONE THING AT A TIME, GRASSHOPPER. ALL STORIES AGREE HIS PRIMARY FOCUS IS SQUALID. OJI IS AT LEVEL 89; PROBABLY FRONT MAN THAT TEABAGZ
HAS TWINKED[34] AS SIDE PROJECT. NEVER HEARD OF MAMBO KINGS, WHICH MEANS THEY DON’T MATTER. HE’D GET HIS ASS KICKED IF HE TRIED HIS BULLSHIT WHILE PLAYING OJI. PROBABLY DOESN’T ADVERTISE HIS REAL IDENTITY B/C EVERYBODY WITH A GRUDGE (WHICH IS EVERYBODY) WOULD SHRED HIS ASS IF THEY KNEW. BULLIES ARE COWARDS. —KTRoger. About to hit level 60 on warlock, 43 on rogue. Would exposing Oji hurt Teabagz?
DON’T EXPOSE THAT YOU’RE OUT TO GET HIM. AND DAMN, DUDE, PLAY LESS. SLEEP DEPRIVATION SHRINKS UR BRAINZ[35].--KTWhat are some good guilds?
I CAN HOOK YOU UP WITH GOOD GUILDS IN ALL FACTIONS. BUT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT MY GUILDIES DO NOT KNOW THAT I’M A CultIST, AND THEY CAN NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVEN BEGIN TO SUSPECT SUCH A THING.
Fair enough.
I’M SERIOUS. I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES OF DROPPING A DIME ON A CultIST.
I know how to keep a secret.
ALRIGHT. WHICH SIDE IS YOUR INVESTMENT CAPITAL ON?
Palladium.
YOU’LL HEAR FROM MY PEOPLE. SERIOUSLY. GO TO SLEEP.
He sipped his energy drink and ignored him. He had to hit max level before the Cult was ready to strike; they’d promised to kill him, not wait around as long as it took for him to be ready to give the coup de grace himself. And the assassination was only part of his plan; stealing his gear was great, but as long as Teabagz could afford another set, he’d be back to his evil ways. Hayes had to take his gear, then take his ability to buy a new set, and then keep his boot on his throat until Teabagz quit, or at least changed his name and transferred servers.
Chapter Six
The next day, while he was pushing Rabaul up to level 65, he got a private message.
Colossus
Colossus
Hayes logging into the server and dragged into a private room.
“I’m Colossus,” a man said, his voice belying the assertion.
“Rabaul.”
“Louie said you had money.”
“Yes.”
“But no max level.”
“No.”
“Why?”