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Mundis Mori: A LitRPG Adventure

Page 5

by Justin Coke


  “You’re timing is off, maggot. You are losing .75 seconds per cycle to slow hands. You have the reaction time of a sloth with Parkinson’s. Keep doing it. I’m going to take a shit. You better hope it does less damage than you.”

  He kept going, the DPS meter slowly climbing until it capped out at 1870.

  The sergeant came back.

  “See, I told you your spec sucked. Respec.”

  He respecced, placing his talent points in a complicated tree. Each talent point enhanced some minor element of his character.

  “Who thought you could raid? Are you blowing your guild master? Garbage! This is your spec.”

  His talent tree changed in front of him.

  “Go,” the sergeant said, pointing to the target.

  He watched his DPS climb as he flung the spells. It shot up to 2200.

  “You’ve barely exceeded the minimum. Congratulations. Nobody thought you’d do so well. A lot of people want to have their own unique specs and spell rotations because they are stupid assholes that get their companions dead and bankrupt. Your job is simple. You provide pain. There is one mathematically proven way to provide the most pain, and you will follow it. If you wanted to play an interesting class, you should have picked a tank or healer.”

  They were transported to an enormous hall. A raiding party waited.

  “This is the Denidaria, the first of the Imperium raid instances. Those people are bots. They will all perform their job perfectly, so if you fail, it’s your fault. Down the hall is Gorogosh the Impaler, the first boss of the Denidaria. He’s about as simple as it gets for a warlock. Sit back, provide pain. If he gets near you, run away. Fight in three ... two ... one.”

  The bots sprang into action, charging down the hallway. Hayes followed.

  It really was that simple. It was almost disappointing.

  “You’re probably thinking ‘Oh, this is easy, what’s the big deal?’” the sergeant said. “Gorogosh is easy. This is the raid instance for the hormonally challenged, the raid instance for idiots, and the raid instance for the feeble minded. Only 45% of Mundis players have completed it, if that tells you anything about the level of human waste you’re barely outperforming. And you haven’t even gotten certified yet.”

  They went through the rest of the bosses, one by one. Some had spell shields that reflected the damage back on him. Some had line-of-sight attacks that required you to hide behind pillars. Each one was slightly harder, slightly more variable, but in the end they did just fine.

  “It’s easy to win when the other nine people never screw up. Truth is, you could have been in Cleveland, and each fight would have turned out the same way. But you know what you’re supposed to do now, so you’re ready to try this with real people, who will fuck it up and you will have to compensate for them. Come back tomorrow at 5:30 to meet your ten-man group. Your tanks and healers are veterans, so rest easy; they’ll carry you through this bullshit raid. Don’t start thinking you’re hot shit if it goes well. They’re hot shit, you’re just part of their carry on baggage.”

  He logged out and checked his email. Mad Hatter had sent an email.

  Kid Twist is in the wind. He said something about having a problem with a hairy fox[58] and bailed. Who the fuck knows what that meant. He’s unaware of the whole Teabagz issue, which from your lack of communication I am assuming went well. It went well, right?Right?

  Hayes replied, recapping the conversation. Mad Hatter responded instantly.

  That sounds like it went well. What the hell was he even thinking? Reaving the opposing faction isn’t even dirty pool. He must not be as rich as we think, but damn, do kids these days just whine all the time? Damn whatever comes after Millennials, I hate them already. Anyway, KT is in the wind, so I’m back to doing 2-man arenas with Teabagz. He’s slowly becoming almost okay. Increasingly inclined to pull the trigger on this deal just so I can stop listening to him bitch about wheat. But KT would be pissed so I won’t until he gets back. Good job on bullshitting.

  Hayes decided he needed an aspirin. Once he’d downed three, he came back and watched YouTube videos of the Denidaria bosses. He wanted to make a good impression tomorrow.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Tick Tock got him on Marconi.

  “Hop on your Squalid rogue,” she said.

  “What’s up? He’s still in the woods at Teabagz’s place.”

  “Yup. We’ve got some low-level bullshit spells to take advantage of. Infiltrate south to the river,” she[59] said.He did.

  An invite came. He accepted. It was Tick Tock’s warlock, Boxedwhine.

  Mundis: Boxedwhine wants to possess you. Do you accept?

  He clicked yes. He lost control of his rogue, and an electric blue demon’s aura surrounded him. He started casting a spell; when it was done, the possession stopped.

  “What just happened?”

  “I possessed you and cast Eagle Eye on that tree over there. Let’s me see from that the point of view of the tree.”

  “Why?”

  “I’m running Mundis on my old computer. I basically installed a security camera. The bot will try to find a target every five seconds, and PM my main account when it finds a target. It also will start snapping screenshots. As long as I never log out it’ll last forever.”

  “Jesus. What?”

  “Going the extra mile is what separates the good from the great,” Tick Tock said.

  “How do you know how to do that?” Hayes said.

  In her attic, surrounded by the ridiculous, insipid, deeply, hatefully stupid gibberish she’d had drilled into her brain from birth and that she now used as camouflage to hide her heresy, she shrugged.

  “It’s a very simple bot,” she said. “Don’t even need to worry about moving.”

  “Aren’t you in high school?”

  “Yeah, so?”

  “Nothing, that’s cool as hell.”

  “Go find a cave to hide in or something.”

  “Want to like, do some arenas or something?”

  “I have a thing my parents are making me go to,[60] so I’m out for the night.”

  “Where’s Kid Twist?”

  “He emailed me, said some RL stuff was going to keep him busy for a few days.”[61]“So what’s up?”

  “I’ve stepped into their three-man team. We’ll hit Exalted Chieftain once the server updates.”

  “Teabagz macking on you?”

  “Nope. Barely acts like I’m there.”

  “Wonder where he’s from.”

  “Orlando.”

  “How do you know?”

  “The IP address when he logs into Marconi.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Why would I?”

  “It’s useful information?”

  “Do not go after him in real life. You understand? That’s the ‘go to jail’ line we don’t cross.”

  “I ... yeah. You’re right. Kind of would like to slash his tires or something.”

  “You heard what I said right?”

  “Yes, yes.”

  “They’re coming up the stairs, I have to go. Don’t even think about tracking him down.”

  With that, she was gone.

  Orlando. That was a long way,[62] and Tick Tock was right. Going to jail was a line he shouldn’t cross.He spent a few hours on PseudoMundis training. His phone buzzed. A text from Mad Hatter.

  Marconi! 911!

  “Jesus, what now,” Hayes muttered as he logged on.

  He was instantly dragged into their room.

  “So, this is funny, but I’m in a raiding party with Teabagz and we just crossed into CSI’s redwood estates. I’m carrying so many firebombs I clink when I walk.”

  “What?”

  “Yeah, he wasn’t kidding.”

  “Why are you helping?”

  “A) I’m not in CSI, and B) I have to maintain my cover. I’m just warning you so you can mitigate the damage. We’re going to start chucking bombs in a few minutes.”

  �
�How many?”

  “Twenty.”

  “That many? I thought he didn’t have any friends!”

  “Doesn’t take much to talk Squalids into fucking with CSI. They still remember the Bloody Wake.”[63]“What’s that?”

  “I’ll explain later. You need to get your boys together and start heading down there or they’re going to light the whole forest up.”

  He logged into the CSI Marconi and started spreading the news.

  “Teabagz has a raiding party in our forest, twenty people, they’re going to light everything up.”

  “What!”

  “Teabagz has ... ”

  “How do you know that?” Colossus had heard him, and it had been a rhetorical exclamation.

  “No time, he’s there, a friend let me know.”

  He logged in and invited everyone in the guild; he got twenty players quickly, and they were on the train to the far north in minutes.

  The train stopped about ten miles south of their holdings, and Hayes could see the smoke from there.

  “Jesus,” someone said.

  “We’re too late.”

  “We have to do what we can,” Hayes said, guilt coursing through him.

  They rode north as the flames grew; it was a strange sight, seeing 400-foot-tall redwoods go up like matches. Hayes kept reminding himself they would grow back in months, not centuries. Finally, they saw his raiders, nothing more than giant shadows silhouetted by the flames, and charged. They all used Anonymizer, names blank. Except for Teabagz, who stood on top of a hill throwing bombs and making lewd gestures. Hayes dodged flames as he charged, and just as he leapt from his horse to cast hellfire, Teabagz disappeared.

  They had all been summoned away.

  By the time the fire had been put out, half the forest had burned.

  “This is Kid Twist’s fault,” Colossus said. “He pissed Teabagz off.”

  Hayes cringed; it was his fault and he knew it. “It’s just the game,” Hayes said.

  “Doesn’t matter, really. Teabagz picked a fight with us, and so we have to answer him,” Colossus said. “This cannot be allowed to stand. I’m calling in everyone.”[64] That was how the Warband was started. A massive 400-person raid, they filled it up with every warm body they could. It seemed like half the Palladium players were in on it; a second Warband was started to include the rest. Napalm was dug out of guild banks and handed out for free.

  An hour later Hayes was in command of forty players and crossing a bridge with over a thousand players. A thin skirmish line of confused Squalid players stood in their way, but they didn’t even have to dismount; the horses rode over then, and they rolled over the land, burning every building, killing every guard, setting every crop on fire. The resistance was disconnected but grew fiercer as they approached Hogarth, a decent-sized city that lay in the arc of their path.

  Hayes thought they would skip the city, but he was wrong. This wasn’t about Teabagz anymore. The siege began, chevaliers forming a shield wall for the casters and advancing to the city walls. Squid herders sent their pets to attack and pestered the walls with arrows. Hayes’s frame rate dropped until it was like watching a movie at half speed. Waves of berserkers flowed through the gaps in the shield wall to double- and triple-team the defenders, while the chevaliers used distraction to advance the shield wall. Napalm was deployed, and the flames took most of the city as fighting advanced into the streets. Rogues slid through shadows and flanked the enemy; Hayes lost track of his command as the players broke down into one-on-one fighting. His shouting did no good; they were too busy or didn’t respect him enough to rally.

  Two rogues appeared behind him; he was dead before he had the chance to fight back.

  He ran from a far distant graveyard, hopeful and but not expectant that a healer would resurrect him. He was halfway there before the resurrection came.

  He was back on his feet, and a few healing spells flash over him, bringing him back up to health.

  “The border stone is at 10%,” someone said, their voice cracking with excitement.

  “Form up on me,” Hayes said. “Breaking down is exactly what they want us to do.”

  Of the forty people, five appeared to listen, and found him. They worked as a group, targeting and bringing down the broken resistance.

  Mundis: The Squalid have lost control of Hogarth.

  Mundis: The Palladium Fraternity has gained control of Hogarth.

  CSI had brought the Border Stone, and CSI players began deploying guards and catapults and traps, so many it almost seemed like guards outnumbered players. Fires were put out and the attack rolled on, reaving as it went. The game was all smoke and fire now, and Hayes couldn’t have told you what time it was, or how much time had passed. Hogarth captured, the war bands stopped taking orders, and simply destroyed everything they could, and moved forward like a wave, brainless and uncontrolled. The wave crested and was pushed back by more and more organized Squalid raiding parties, who clearly aimed to retake Hogarth.

  Fatigue and real life sapped their forces, and by 2:00 a.m. CSI was furiously defending Hogarth from the Squalid War Band that was the answer to their own. Energy drinks were quaffed, shitty food ordered from anywhere still delivering after midnight.

  CSI had an enormous amount of money, and an enormous amout of guards and defenses in the guild bank, and plenty of favors to call in. The defense held. Barely.

  By the time Hayes logged off at 7:00 a.m., dead tired and in need of a shower before work. Both factions were fighting listlessly, both knowing the next night would determine the victor.

  Chapter Fifteen

  He was so tired he couldn’t sleep, and too tired to play. He checked his email. His inbox was loaded.

  From Kid Twist:

  WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? I LOGGED IN, EVERYBODY THINKS I STARTED THE BIGGEST WAR IN SERVER HISTORY. THE WHOLE SERVER IS SMOKEY.

  THEY’RE SAYING I FUCKED TEABAGZ’S MOM OR SOMETHING AND POSTED PHOTOS TO INSTAGRAM? HE BURNED DOWN OUR FORESTS IN RETALIATION? WE TOOK HOGARTH? I DON’T WANT THIS KIND OF ATTENTION.

  WTF?!

  Tick Tock:

  What the shit? I’m so pissed. I was at Bible study and missed all of it? By the way, they burned down the tree we cast Eagle Eye on, and my hard drive is so full of screenshots of a hundred Palladium players throwing napalm that I’m going to have to defrag the thing so, yeah. Don’t know where we’re at in figuring out what he’s doing.

  They’re saying you and Kid Twist started the whole thing?

  What happened? I’m so jealous.

  Mad Hatter:

  FUCKING AWESOME. I got you last night, btw. Me and some random rogue double teamed you.

  Only downside is that we seem to have redeemed Teabagz reputation. He’s like Braveheart to the Squalids now. Guess they’re still pissed off about the Bloody Wake. Everyone is amped up over here. Tonight is going to be ccccccrrrazy. Rumor has it the Shadow People are going to jump in tonight, but who they’re going to attack is up in the air. Maybe both! Diplomats are flying across Marconi servers, plotting and bribing and scheming. Wonderful!

  So, the plan has backfired horribly by making everyone forget Teabagz is a shithead, but it backfired in a really fun way. All the top Squalid guilds are trying to get him to join. All the money men have made the game boring; we uncapped an oil well of hate and set in on fire. So we got that going for us. Teabagz is going to lead the assault on Hogarth tonight, and I’ll be rolling with him. Might be time to wrap this up before we accidentally get him elected president.

  He replied all.

  I don’t know. Colossus decided to turn Teabagz’s revenge raid into a war. It was pretty awesome, I guess, but I haven’t slept in 24 hours, going to sleep. Dead on my feet. Do what you think is best. I can’t think straight.

  Chapter Sixteen

  They all met on Marconi the next night. Hayes still didn’t feel right, but he was at least half cognizant.

  “So Mad Hatter kind of briefed me on things. I, well, I
didn’t think things were on the cusp of blowing up like that, but I get that you guys were trying to do the job and protect me, so I’m sorry that I was pissed last night. I still don’t know what to do,” Kid Twist said.

  “What happened last night?” Hayes said. “I was passed out..”

  “The Shadow People slid in behind the Squalids and took half the coast. They’re worried about Grash[65] getting attacked next.”

  “What happened to the crabs-in-the-bucket thing?” Hayes said.

  “I think we’re in the middle of some kind of populist revolt, man. People aren’t listening to the rich guilds anymore, they’re just reaving for the sake of reaving. It’s like the old days before everybody got cross-faction accounts. People are burning the fields they own on other accounts!” Mad Hatter said, gleeful.

  “And Teabagz?”

  “He’s become this symbol of rebellion. Even the people attacking the Squalids kind of like him. It’s bizarre. He’s putting out political screeds on the realm forums. Real doomsday apocalypse stuff about people taking the game back from the elite who just uses them to get money and then uses the money to get better gear so they can dominate the casual players harder. Wants to reset the whole economy, give everybody a fresh start before the expansion. Says that if we don’t burn everything down now, the elite will just stay at the top.”

  “Well, that’s pretty accurate,” Tick Tock said.

  “Yeah, but shit. We’re here to bring the guy down, not make him emperor,” Mad Hatter said. “Not to mention that we’re the frigging elite. I think he half believes it and is half just saying shit and saying it louder if he gets a reaction. He’s giddy as hell. Loves the attention.”

  “What does the rest of Squid Pistol think?”

  “They’re gone.”

  “Gone?”

  “Packed up and logged out. Hasn’t been one on since the shit definitively hit the fan.”

  “What is going on with them?”

  Hayes could almost hear Mad Hatter shrug.

  “I don’t know, but I think them bailing out is half of what’s got Teabagz so psyched.”

  “He still with them?”

 

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