Awake and Dreaming

by Kit Pearson

  Jeans, T-shirts, leggings with tunic tops, sweaters … purple runners, black party shoes, yellow gum boots … a hooded raincoat, a blue fleecy jacket like Anna’s … pastel underwear, dozens of colourful socks, several pairs of tights … a bathing suit, pyjamas, a nightgown and a housecoat … and a beautiful purple flowered dress that came with a matching headband.

  “There!” said Mum. “With these and Anna’s hand-me-downs you should be set until summer. I hope you don’t mind that some of your clothes are secondhand, Theo.”

  Theo was speechless. When they got home, she helped Mum cut off the price tags and hang up the new clothes, plus some that used to belong to Anna, in the space Mum had cleared for her in the closet. Dad had brought up a little dresser just for her. Theo lovingly placed her underwear, T-shirts and sweaters in it.

  “I’ve hardly ever had new clothes,” she said.

  Mum looked surprised. “Well, it’s about time you did. Why don’t you change out of those baggy jeans and put on something of your own? The others will be home soon.”

  Theo took a long time deciding. Finally she picked purple leggings, a purple and yellow top and yellow socks. She tied up the brand new laces on her brand new runners.

  The second pair of new shoes she’d had this year! She remembered the ones Rae had bought her.

  “Mum …” she said slowly. “Where’s—where’s my real mother? Where’s Rae?”

  Then she wished she hadn’t asked. But she didn’t need to worry. Laura kept her back to Theo as she continued to hang up clothes. She either hadn’t heard or didn’t want to answer.

  “Theo! You look wonderful!” said Anna, as she and Lisbeth burst into the room. They examined all the new clothes. Anna brushed back Theo’s hair and secured it with two purple barrettes. “There—you’re perfect!”

  “You’re beautiful, Theo,” said Lisbeth. She gazed at Theo the way Bingo gazed at Dad.

  After lunch Mum took Theo out again, this time to get her hair cut. “What lovely thick curls!” said the hairdresser. When she’d finished, Theo’s hair stood out around her face in a soft dark circle. She gazed at the smiling purple and yellow girl in the mirror and felt more than ever that this must be magic.

  WHEN THEY GOT BACK, Mum showed Theo her studio. The small room was crammed with jars of pencils and paints, wide shallow drawers full of paper, and more felt pens than Theo had ever seen at one time. Drawings were pinned all over the walls, of cartoony children playing or animals in clothes. Some of the children looked like the Kaldors.

  “Did you do all these?” asked Theo in awe.

  Laura nodded. “Here, I’ll draw something for you.” She took out a square of paper and a black pen. Like magic she sketched a picture of Beardsley curled in a ball and handed it to Theo.

  “To keep?”

  “Of course!” said Mum. “Would you like to draw something while I finish this card?”

  She sat Theo down at a little table beside a wide sloping desk. “Each of the children has drawn here while I work, although none of them could sit for long. John was the most patient, but Ben’s impossible—he doesn’t last more than five minutes.”

  Theo gazed at the creamy piece of paper in front of her—it seemed too good to mark. She thought a moment, then picked up an orange felt pen and began to draw the arbutus tree in the backyard. It was fun to add brown for the peeling bark and different greens for the leaves.

  “That’s wonderful, Theo!” said Mum. “You’ve really looked at that tree!”

  “You can keep it,” whispered Theo.

  “Thank you! Did you sign it?” Theo wrote her name in the lower right corner, where Mum had in her picture of Beardsley. Then Mum pinned it over her desk.

  “I need to finish this design today,” she said. “Will you be all right playing on your own until the others get home?”

  Theo nodded; she longed to explore. First she took Mum’s drawing and taped it to the wall beside her bed. Then she began to go over every inch of the house. If this did turn out to be a dream, she wanted to remember it forever.

  She had never seen as much luxury. Bedrooms with beds covered in soft quilts, and full of toys, games and clothes. Two bathrooms with soft fluffy towels and many bottles of shampoo and lotions. Four telephones! Soft chairs, rugs and pretty pictures on the walls, tables piled with magazines, a piano. Not only a TV, but a VCR, a stereo, a CD player and a computer. A washer and dryer, an iron, a toaster, a blender, a microwave and dozens of dishes. In the basement she found bicycles, skis, skate-boards, skates with blades and skates with wheels, and a toboggan. And everywhere, shelves and shelves of books.

  The house was warm and clean and although some of the furniture was shabby, it wasn’t broken. Theo hadn’t spotted a mouse or a cockroach since she’d been here. The refrigerator and cupboards were crammed with food. The van was parked in the driveway and Dad had driven a smaller car to work.

  “You must be very rich!” Theo told Mum back in the studio.

  “Rich?” Mum laughed. “We’ve never thought of ourselves as rich! We have a large mortgage and it’s a real struggle to pay for things like John’s music lessons and Anna’s braces. The cars are both getting old but we can’t afford a new one, and we really need to add another room.”

  “But you have so much!” said Theo.

  Mum looked at her. “Yes,” she said quietly. “We have so much. We’re very, very lucky.” She gave Theo a hug. “And now we have you, too.”

  THEO SHOOK HER HEAD when Mum asked her if she wanted to go to school the next morning. Mum said gently, “You’re just not ready, are you? I’ll tell you what—you can stay home for the rest of this week if you try to be brave enough to go on Monday—is it a deal?”

  Theo nodded. Maybe she wouldn’t be here next week. Maybe the dream would end by then.

  She had now decided that being here was a dream. In the books she’d read magic had always made sense; it was never as simple as just wishing on the new moon. She’d probably fallen asleep on the ferry and dreamt she’d wished.

  If she had come here by magic, there would be an explanation. Anna or Lisbeth would say, “Isn’t it wonderful that your wish came true?” But no one had said that. No one asked Theo any questions or referred to her past or thought that it was in any way odd that she was here. And the two times she’d asked them they didn’t seem to hear. It didn’t make sense—so it must be a dream.

  And only in a dream could anyone be as happy as she felt. Only in a dream could everything be so easy. She didn’t have to do anything. She was simply here—bathed in love and acceptance, soaking up this wonderful family and their safe and comfortable life.

  Theo floated through the rest of the week, trying not to think about waking up. Sometimes she watched Mum work, or she read or she played with Beardsley, trailing a bit of string for him to attack. Often she just lay dozily on the living-room couch, watching the birds at the feeder outside the window. The morning silence was broken by the noisy arrival of the others home for lunch. Theo sat passively and soaked up the stories they told her.

  In the afternoons, after Ben woke up from his nap, Theo took him and Bingo for a walk—although it felt as though they were taking her. Sometimes they climbed up the mountain, and sometimes they explored the cemetery; Mum said they weren’t to go to the beach without the others. Theo held Ben’s hand as they crossed the street, just like a big sister.

  Ben often made Theo attach Bingo’s leash to his belt loop so he could be a horse that she ordered to walk or trot or gallop. Or he wanted her to be his partner in a game—another pirate or another warrior. It was relaxing to act like a four-year-old.

  “When I was little, I pretended I was a fairy,” she told him.

  “A fairy!” scoffed Ben. “I’m a knight! You can be my squire, okay? Bingo’s a dragon.” They galloped along the path in the cemetery after Bingo, Ben waving his plastic sword.

  After school they returned to the cemetery with Anna and Lisbeth. Then they played hide-and-s
eek, crouching behind the vaults or bushes or trees and trying not to shout “Home Free!” too loud. But whenever they passed a cemetery gardener, he just smiled at them.

  They always ended up resting at the foot of their favourite angel. On Friday afternoon John found them there on his way home from his friend’s. Theo edged closer to him as he sat down. John didn’t usually play with them—he was in grade seven, after all. He was like a knight, thought Theo—gentle and kind and brave. Yesterday he had picked up a garter snake in the yard and put it back in the bushes.

  They watched some men near them dig a deep hole. “I bet someone’s going to be buried there!” said Lisbeth.

  “That’s unusual,” said John. “Dad said most of the spaces in this cemetery are taken up.”

  “Imagine being put under the ground and staying there forever and forever,” shuddered Anna.

  “You wouldn’t know,” said John. “You’d be dead.”

  “Well, imagine being dead. Not being able to see or hear or breathe.” Anna turned her back on the hole.

  “Being dead is just like having a long sleep,” said Lisbeth. “That’s what Mummy said when Grandpa died.”

  “No it isn’t—you turn into an angel, like that one,” said Ben, pointing up to the statue. “Peter’s grandma is an angel.” Peter was his best friend.

  “But what if you weren’t ready to die?” said Anna. “What if you weren’t old like Grandpa was? And you had to go into the cold ground and stay there!”

  “If I wasn’t ready to die, I wouldn’t stay there,” said John. “I’d come back.”

  “You mean you’d be a ghost?” said Lisbeth. She moved closer to Anna. “You shouldn’t talk that way, John. You’re scaring Ben.”

  Theo felt scared too. She looked at the gaping hole and the gravestones surrounding them. She was glad when they talked about this weekend instead.

  THAT EVENING they piled into the van and drove to Chinatown for dinner. Theo ate sweet-and-sour spareribs and almond chicken for the first time. John and Anna and Mum and Dad were the only ones who could manage chopsticks. Then they went to a video store and after a long argument decided on one video for the children and one for the adults.

  Theo curled up between Anna and Mum on the couch in the den, weeping with them over the ending of Old Yeller. Even Dad was sniffing.

  “What babies!” said John.

  “You cried, too,” said Anna. “I saw you wipe your eyes on the cushion.”

  “Why did that doggie have to die, Mummy?” asked Ben tearfully.

  “It’s only a story, Benny,” said Mum, pulling him onto her lap. She blew her nose. “Oh, dear, it was even worse than I remembered.”

  “Sometimes it’s nice to cry, isn’t it?” said Lisbeth after they were in bed.

  Not usually, thought Theo, remembering the evening before she and Rae had left Vancouver. But tonight she had indulged in a sadness that wasn’t real—that was just a story.

  ON SATURDAY John had a karate class, Lisbeth and Ben had swimming lessons, and Theo went to watch Anna’s soccer game. Anna was a good player—she ran fast and scored several goals. It looked like fun.

  After the game Anna introduced Theo to her best friend. “This is Grace Leung. Grace, this is my new sister, Theo.”

  Her new sister! Theo felt herself melt again. “Hi,” she whispered.

  “It’s good to meet you, Theo,” said Grace. She had a friendly smile.

  The three of them walked home together. On the way they stopped at a store to spend their allowance. Dad had given Theo a two-dollar coin that morning.

  Two whole dollars! Theo picked out candy like the others. She thought of how shocked Anna and Grace would be if they knew she used to steal it. But today she handed her money proudly to the clerk.

  After lunch the whole family went to Thetis Lake for a hike. Bingo went berserk, rushing down to the water and coming back soaked. The dark green lake was fringed by firs and rocks. They climbed a high path and looked over all of it.

  That evening Mum and Dad visited some friends, Anna went to Grace’s for a sleepover and John babysat.

  “Go to bed!” he ordered Lisbeth and Ben and Theo, long after nine o’clock. They were huddled in the den, wolfing down popcorn and watching a scary movie called The Birds.

  “No,” said Lisbeth.

  “We don’t want to,” said Ben. He was straddling the arm of the couch, pretending it was a horse.

  “You’re supposed to do as I say,” grumbled John. “All the other kids I babysit do.”

  “They don’t know what you’re really like,” said Lisbeth. “They don’t know that you still keep your teddy bear on your bed.”

  John lunged at her, picked her up and carried her screaming to her room. By the time he had returned for Ben, Lisbeth had dashed downstairs again. Ben ran into the kitchen and John turned to Theo.

  “Come on,” he pleaded. “Bed.”

  “Okay,” said Theo, getting up.

  “No, Theo!” cried Lisbeth. “Run away!”

  Theo looked at John. She didn’t want to hurt his feelings. But then she noticed how he was trying not to laugh. “Go to bed, both of you!” he repeated.

  Theo hesitated—then shook her head with a grin and shot into the living-room. John caught her by an arm and a leg and tried to drag her across the hall. Ben scampered in and he and Lisbeth flung themselves on top of John. They thrashed in a giggling pile while Bingo barked around them.

  Theo laughed so much her insides became hollowed out and her belly ached. They all lay on the floor, helpless and limp.

  “I give up,” gasped John. “Stay up as late as you want, but don’t blame me if you get into trouble. I should be paid triple for looking after you guys!”

  He went into the kichen and made more popcorn. They collapsed in front of the TV again. Ben soon fell asleep and John carried him upstairs. Then Lisbeth’s eyes began to close and John helped her to bed, Theo trailing behind. When she finally closed her eyes she gave one last, delighted giggle.

  ON SUNDAY all the Kaldors got out their bikes. They offered Theo an old one of Anna’s to ride but she shook her head. “I don’t know how,” she whispered.

  “You don’t know how to ride a two-wheeler?” said Lisbeth in astonishment. “I learned when I was five! Even Ben can ride one with training wheels.”

  “Be quiet, Lisbeth,” said John. “Don’t worry, Theo—I’ll teach you.”

  Theo followed him into the cemetery. John held the small bicycle upright while Theo climbed on. It felt dangerously tippy, but she wanted to please him.

  “Okay, now I’m going to hold the saddle,” said John. “Go!”

  Theo pushed the pedals harder and harder while John ran behind. The bike wobbled a bit but she kept her balance.

  “Good!” puffed John. He stopped the bike and showed Theo how to use the brakes. “Okay, let’s try again—this time I’m going to let you go.”

  “I’ll fall!” said Theo.

  “No, you won’t—you’ll be fine. Just brake when you want to stop.” Theo wanted to protest further but John’s enthusiasm was very strong. He believed in her.

  “Ready?” Theo gulped, then nodded. John held onto the seat as she pedalled—then he let go.

  She rode steadily for a few minutes, then started to wobble. But she squeezed the brakes and the bike came to an obedient halt. She’d done it!

  John ran up. “Good for you!” Both of them were bursting with pride.

  Theo practised turning, braking and getting on and off. After an hour she could do it all—she could ride a bike!

  THAT EVENING some relatives came for dinner—Mum’s mother, Dad’s brother and sister-in-law, and three small cousins—a baby called Emma, a two-year-old boy called Sam, and Linnea, who was a year older than Ben.

  The grown-ups talked and laughed in the living-room while the eight children interrupted. Everyone smiled at Theo and welcomed her to the family. Lisbeth hauled around the baby and Sam shadowed Ben.

&nb
sp; All the children ate at the kitchen table while Emma banged her spoon in a highchair beside it. Theo smoothed her new purple dress over her knees, her mouth watering at the plate of roast chicken and mashed potatoes an adult put in front of her.

  “Now we’re eight cousins!” said Anna, cutting up Sam’s meat. “There’s a book called that.”

  “Cheers!” cried Linnea, clinking her glass of ginger ale against Ben’s.

  Theo looked around the happy circle of chewing, noisy faces. She melted into it and tried not to think of school tomorrow.

  10

  “Are you ready, Theo?” said Mum. “I’ve told the school you’re coming. Anna will take you to Ms. Tremblay’s class.”

  Theo tried to feel ready, but she shivered inside with the same dread she always felt at starting another school. She’d put on her new plaid pants, with a matching green top and red vest. The Kaldors kept telling her how nice the teachers and kids were. Theo tried to remember all the times in books when someone had started a new school and discovered it was fine. But it had never been fine for her.

  It wasn’t fair! she thought, as she walked the few blocks with John and Anna and Lisbeth. So far this dream had been perfect. Now it could turn into a nightmare.

  But she’d forgotten that she wasn’t alone any more—she belonged to a real family. Every time the Kaldors saw a friend, they introduced Theo as their new sister; every time, the other person gave Theo a welcoming smile. When they crossed a busy street and reached the playground of a high brick school, John went over to join some older boys. Anna, Lisbeth and Theo were immediately surrounded by an excited group of girls. All Theo had to do was stand and listen.

  A buzzer sounded. “Come on, Theo, I’ll take you to your classroom,” said Anna.

  “See you at recess!” called Lisbeth.

  Theo’s stomach lurched. But a pleasant-looking teacher greeted them at the door of the grade-four classroom. “So this is Theo! I’ve heard so much about you. I hope you’ll be very happy here.”