Awake and Dreaming

by Kit Pearson

  “All right,” whispered Theo.

  Anna was as friendly as she had been when Theo had first met her on the ferry. “How long have you lived in Victoria? What school do you go to?” she asked on the way to Sharon’s.

  Theo answered in spurts, still shocked that Anna didn’t know her.

  They both walked her into the apartment. “Oh, Theo!” cried Sharon, forgetting her cold and kissing her many times. “Thank you,” she told Laura fervently. “I don’t know what made her do such a thing. She’s usually so well behaved!”

  Laura smiled. “You can’t always predict what they’ll do. Believe me, I know—I have four!”

  “Won’t you stay and have coffee?” asked Sharon. She’d got dressed and tidied away all the tissues and glasses.

  She and Laura sat on the couch while Laura told Sharon what the doctor had said. Theo and Anna sat on the rug nibbling cookies.

  Theo couldn’t speak, but Anna whispered, “Aren’t grown-ups boring? I think it was really brave of you to go somewhere on your own. Once my older brother and I sneaked out at night and played in the cemetery! It was really spooky. We got back without being caught and no one ever found out!”

  She tossed back her shining cap of hair and gave the same rich laugh she had always had. A thrill went through Theo. It was awful that Anna didn’t remember her, but she was Anna—she really existed!

  “What are you two muttering about?” smiled Laura. “I think we’d better go, Anna. I hope you’ll be all right, now, Theo. It was nice to meet you, Sharon.” She shook hands with both of them and they left, Anna winking at Theo over her shoulder.

  Theo almost ran after them. “Don’t go!” she wanted to call. “I’ve just found you again!” She stood in the doorway until Sharon’s voice made her turn around.

  Sharon was quivering. Theo braced herself; would her aunt hit her?

  But instead of being angry Sharon broke into sobs. “Oh, Theo honey, what a bad scare you gave me! I couldn’t stand it if anything happened to you!” Her face was red and swollen with tears and her cold. “How could you lie to me like that? I thought we were friends!”

  It was hard to focus on Sharon when Theo’s whole being was concentrated on the Kaldors. But her aunt looked so baffled and hurt, she took her hand. “I’m sorry. I just wanted to go for a walk on my own and I thought you wouldn’t let me.”

  “Of course I wouldn’t let you! Look what happened!”

  “I’ll never do it again,” said Theo. “I promise. And I’ll never lie again, either.”

  “I hope not.” Sharon stiffened. “Mary Rae was always lying to our parents. I hope you’re not going to take after her.”

  “I’m not! I’m nothing like her!”

  “Of course you aren’t, hon. You’re just yourself.” Sharon blew her nose and smiled weakly. “You’re an odd kid, though. Mary Rae warned me about that. Why would you want to go for a walk all by yourself?”

  When Theo didn’t answer, Sharon hugged her. “I think we both need to lie down. On Monday I’m taking you to my doctor for a complete physical. We won’t talk about this again, Theo. I hope you’ve realized what can happen when you do something so foolish.”

  Theo escaped to her bed. She lay on her back, staring at the sun that turned the drawn blind a glowing yellow. Her mind danced with all that happened and she kicked up her feet with excitement.

  Her time living with the Kaldors hadn’t been a dream! They really existed!

  That meant it must have been magic after all. Somehow her new-moon wish had come true. She had spent all that happy time with the family in the sort of magic adventure that happened in books. Then, for some reason, the magic had ended and she’d been back on the ferry again at the same moment she’d left.

  It was just like a story; rather like time-travel stories she’d read, except she’d gone sideways in time, not backwards. Stories were more complete, however, and they gave reasons for the magic.

  Theo didn’t care. She hugged herself. It had happened after all—she had once belonged to the Kaldors, in some kind of strange fantasy that had ended with no explanation. But now she’d found them again.

  The trouble was, they didn’t remember her. Were the children just pretending not to know her in front of their parents? Was it part of the magic that only Theo could remember?

  She pondered her family in greedy detail. Lisbeth had lost a tooth and Anna had had her hair cut. John was taller. She had been with them such a short while, she hadn’t had time to notice other things or to talk to them, except to Anna.

  Somehow she had to see them again. Then she would make them remember and everything would be as perfect as it had been before.

  15

  The next morning Theo received a phone call.

  “Theo?” said an eager voice. “This is Anna Kaldor, the person you met yesterday? How are you feeling?”

  Theo’s voice shook. “Fine.”

  “We were wondering if you’d like to come over this afternoon.”

  “Oh! I—I would! Just a minute, I’ll ask my aunt.”

  After Sharon, too, asked Theo how she was feeling, she said it was okay. Theo listened to Anna telling her what time to come. She could barely squeak a goodbye.

  “It’s nice of them to ask,” said Sharon. “Are you sure you want to?”

  “Yes, yes, yes!” cried Theo, dancing around the kitchen.

  Sharon looked surprised. “You’re usually so shy! And you’ve only just met them. But Anna looked like a nice girl and I liked Laura—she seems so serene, somehow. Did you say she was an artist?”

  “She’s a graphic artist,” said Theo. “She paints wonderful cards of dressed-up animals and kids playing.”

  “Did she show them to you?”

  “Uh huh.” Theo flushed. Was that a lie? Laura had shown them to her—but not yesterday. She went to get ready for church before Sharon could ask her more.

  “WHAT A GREAT OLD HOUSE,” said Sharon as they walked up the Kaldors’ steps after lunch. Theo stood silently in the hall as Sharon met the rest of the family. She barely heard her aunt’s goodbye as she drank them in. She was home.

  “We’re glad you could come, Theo,” said Laura. “The girls begged to see you again. I hope you’re feeling better now.”

  Theo knew she couldn’t call her “Mum”—not yet, not until she’d figured out how to make them remember her. But she gave Laura a huge smile. “I feel great,” she assured her.

  But right away, things began to go wrong. “Come and see our room,” said Lisbeth. She pulled Theo up the stairs, Anna following.

  Theo trembled as she stared at the familiar, messy space. But her bed and dresser weren’t there. She opened her mouth to remind them that she’d once slept here. But she couldn’t get out the words, as Anna and Lisbeth competed to show her things.

  “This is Heather, my best doll.” Lisbeth put the red-haired doll in Theo’s arms and Theo hugged the familiar shape for comfort.

  “That’s my favourite hockey player,” said Anna, pointing to the poster by her bed.

  “I know,” Theo began, “I—”

  “—Oh, do you like him, too?” asked Anna.

  “This is my eraser collection,” said Lisbeth. She pulled down a box from the top of the bookshelf and knocked off a china horse.

  “Lisbeth!” Anna picked up the horse. Its leg was missing. “Look what you’ve done, you stupid klutz! You’re an idiot!” She punched Lisbeth’s shoulder.

  Lisbeth started a high-pitched, whining wail. “Owww! You hurt me! You’re not supposed to hit me, Anna! And Daddy said you’re not supposed to call me an idiot!”

  “Then you’re a—a person of low intelligence! You broke my favourite horse! I’m telling!” Anna ran out of the room.

  Theo stood there in bewilderment while Lisbeth continued to cry. The two of them had never hit each other or spoken to each other so meanly … before.

  Laura came into the room, followed by Anna. “Stop that awful noise, Lisbeth! Te
ll me how Anna’s horse got broken.”

  “It was an accident,” cried Lisbeth. “It fell off the shelf!”

  “She’s a dingle-brain!” fumed Anna.

  “I am not!” Lisbeth shoved her sister.

  “That’s enough!” Laura’s voice was stern. “I don’t want to hear another word! How can you be so rude when you have a guest? If you don’t stop arguing this minute, Theo will have to go home. Do you understand?”

  They both sniffed and nodded.

  “That’s better. I’m sure I can mend the horse. Help me find the leg.” They all got down on the floor and Laura found it under the bookshelf.

  Anna looked embarrassed after Laura took the horse downstairs to glue it. “Sorry, Theo. It’s just that Lisbeth’s such an—”

  “If you say that word I’ll scream. Then Mum will come up again,” warned Lisbeth.

  Theo watched each of them pull back her anger. Before, they had seemed so close. Didn’t they like each other any more?

  “Theo, come and see my room,” called Ben from the hall. Theo was glad to get away from the feud. She followed him into his familiar, smelly room. “Where’s your iguana?” she asked him fondly.

  Ben looked puzzled. “What’s a gwana?”

  “You know—you used to have an iguana called Mortimer. You fed him flies and bees and kept him in a cage. Sometimes you and I took him for a walk in the cemetery, remember?”

  Ben stared. “You’re silly!” He ran into the girls’ room. “Theo’s silly! She’s making things up about me!”

  “Don’t be rude, Ben,” said Anna crossly. “Theo can say anything she likes. You’re the one who’s silly. You’re always pretending things, so why can’t she?”

  “I’m not silly!” shouted Ben. “I don’t like you and I don’t like Theo!” He ran out, slamming their door.

  Theo’s eyelids pricked. How could he say that? Sweet Ben, whom she’d spent so many happy times with before …

  “Do you want to go outside, Theo?” asked Anna. Lisbeth followed them, but she was sulking so much she’d stopped speaking.

  The three of them climbed up the mountain, ran along the beach and explored the cemetery. Every time Anna told her about something, Theo wanted to say she had been here before. But the longer she put it off, the harder it was to begin.

  Lisbeth was so silent Theo wondered if she was mad at her as well. But when they finally rested on the grass underneath the angel, Lisbeth asked Theo a question. “Why do you live with your aunt instead of your parents?”

  “Don’t pry, Lisbeth,” said Anna, but she looked curious, too.

  They had never asked her questions before. Theo took a deep breath; she may as well tell them. “I used to live in Vancouver with my mother,” she began, “but she lives with her boyfriend now and he doesn’t want me, so I came over here to live with my aunt.”

  “That must have been really hard,” said Anna.

  “Are you going to stay living here?” Lisbeth asked.

  “I don’t know,” said Theo. “Nobody says.”

  There was an awkward silence. Theo squirmed at the girls’ pity. She could tell they thought she was strange.

  Before, she had never felt this uncomfortable. Then they had just accepted her, with no questions about her past. Then she had been their sister. That was getting harder and harder to believe.

  Finally Lisbeth spoke. “I’ve been to Vancouver—lots and lots of times. We go on the ferry to visit Grannie and Gramps. They live on the North Shore. It’s really pretty there. Was it pretty where you lived, Theo?”

  Theo shook her head. “No. It was all grey. Not like here.”

  She was thinking of what Lisbeth had just said. “Do you like going on the ferry?” she asked carefully.

  “Oh, yes!” said Lisbeth. “We run up and down the deck and pretend to fly in the wind.”

  “I like the way all the kids play at the front of the lounge,” said Anna. “We always meet new people there.”

  Theo shivered inside. “Did you—did you go on the ferry in February?” Her voice was so low she had to repeat her question.

  “February? No, we haven’t been to Vancouver since Christmas, but we’re going for Easter,” said Anna.

  “Oh.” It was too much to hope for. She knew they’d been on the ferry; she knew how they pretended to fly and played in the lounge. But they didn’t remember.

  And there was no point in telling them, because they weren’t the same. They acted as if they had just met her yesterday. They already thought she was strange; they would think she was even stranger if she told them she’d once lived with them. They’d never believe her.

  Had she lived with them? Of course she had! How else could she know them so well? But that magic time seemed more and more distant as the afternoon went on.

  BEFORE DINNER Theo sat in the den with the others and watched TV. Ben still gave her insulted glances. Anna and Lisbeth still muttered to each other when their parents were out of the room.

  “John!” Dan came to the door. “Why haven’t you taken out the garbage?”

  “I forgot,” mumbled John.

  “This is the third time you’ve forgotten this week! I’m tired of reminding you. There’ll be no allowance for you this Saturday.”

  “No allowance!” cried John. “But I wanted to get some new tapes!”

  “That’s too bad,” said Dan. “Maybe this will teach you to remember. Now get going on that garbage!” Theo had never heard his voice sound so harsh.

  John stomped out of the room. He hadn’t spoken to Theo since his curt hello—as if she were only a friend of his sisters. She couldn’t believe he was the same John who had taught her so patiently how to ride a bike.

  Only Bingo and Beardsley treated her the same. Beardsley rubbed against her legs, his throat rumbling, and Bingo followed Theo around all afternoon, as if he were overjoyed that she was back.

  “Bingo sure seems to like you,” said Lisbeth.

  “Just push him away if he’s a nuisance,” said Anna.

  “It’s okay.” Theo buried her head in Bingo’s soft neck and sniffed up his yeasty smell. She was beginning to long for the day to end, so she could go back to Sharon’s and cry.

  AT DINNER all the Kaldors’ bad moods came together in one noisy complaint.

  “I don’t want to sit beside Theo!” said Ben.

  “Behave yourself, Ben—what will Theo think of you?” Laura made him stay in his place, but he kicked at Theo’s foot all through the meal.

  “Someone has been at my books again,” said Dan. “I found two lying on the floor in the den. I’ve told you again and again to put them back when you’ve finished with them.”

  John glowered at his father. “Don’t look at me.”

  “It was probably Lisbeth,” said Anna.

  “It wasn’t!” squealed Lisbeth. “I can’t even read those thick books!”

  “Okay, simmer down,” said Dan. “But it’s got to be someone in this family who keeps leaving them around—who else could it be?”

  “Dan, for heaven’s sake stop fussing!” said Laura. “It’s probably you who left them there—you’ve just forgotten.”

  “It’s not me!” Dan’s voice sounded just as aggrieved as Lisbeth’s. “All I ask is—”

  “Dad, please change your mind about my allowance.”

  “Mummy, Anna won’t pass me the pickles and I’ve asked her three times!”

  “I don’t like this fish. Pirates don’t eat fish.”

  “Shush!” Laura raised her hand. “Everyone shush!” She looked around at the sulky family and sighed. “I’m sorry, Theo, I don’t know what you must think of us. You’ve come on a bad day. We’re not always like this.”

  You were never like this before, thought Theo miserably.

  “Will you come again?” asked Anna, after Sharon arrived. “Can you come on Saturday for the whole day?”

  Sharon turned around from admiring one of Laura’s paintings in the hall. “She’d love
to, wouldn’t you, Theo?” Theo couldn’t answer.

  “They’re so nice!” said Sharon on the way home. “Their house has such pretty things in it and Dan and Laura are so interesting. I think the kids will be good friends for you. I hope you don’t mind that I said you wanted to go back.”

  Theo wondered if she minded. The Kaldors had been such a disappointment. Yet something in her still couldn’t resist them. At least, when she was there, she could re-live the other time.

  “What’s the matter?” The light was red and Sharon turned to look at Theo. “You seem so sad. Didn’t you have a good time?”

  Theo tried to sound more cheerful. “I’m okay. Just tired.”

  “It’s a good thing you’re having that check-up tomorrow,” said Sharon. “But I’m not surprised you’re tired. You’re not used to a large lively family, after boring me! You don’t have to be friends with them. But why not give them one more try?”

  “I don’t care,” shrugged Theo.

  16

  Theo stood in the hall and clenched her fists as Anna and Lisbeth clattered down the stairs to greet her. All week the real Kaldors and the magic Kaldors had clashed in her mind. Maybe on this visit the family would be the perfect one she had known.

  At least they were in better moods today. Anna only called Lisbeth an idiot once and John even asked Theo how she was. Ben had forgotten his anger; he showed Theo his new plastic dinosaurs. Anna’s face was tender as she braided Lisbeth’s hair and Dan hugged John after he played his new piece for them. To Theo’s relief their best selves—the only selves Theo had known before—still existed.

  There was even a moment before lunch that came close to the bliss she had once experienced here. Dan had made pizza dough and everyone was creating his or her own pizza from the ingredients he’d arranged on the kitchen table. Arms got tangled as they reached for green peppers and cheese and onions. As John helped Ben cut a piece of salami into a smile, Lisbeth and Laura began singing “Aiken Drum.”