Deathless & Divided (The Chicago War #1)

by Bethany-Kris

  “I owed your brother my life and he asked for that payment in the form of a marriage to you. He wanted your safety and your happiness to be my payment. That meant I needed to do anything—everything—I could to get you to that place.”

  “I am not happy!” Lily cried. “I am heartbroken. I am … disgusted.”

  Damian recoiled, pain flickering in his blue eyes. “Don’t say that.”

  “It’s true. After everything, all the bullshit you’ve fed to me, I hate you.”

  “It is not true. You can’t hate the things you love, Lily.”

  Lily’s felt her entire body flinch inward, reacting to his words and the truth hidden inside them. It only made everything so much worse that she had somehow fallen in love with this dangerous, dark man. Because she hadn’t known anything about him at all. She’d taken the bits and pieces he gave for what they were, she trusted him in his actions and words … she thought he cared.

  He clearly hadn’t cared about her. Not at all.

  But her heart still swelled and pounded, wanting Damian. Lily hated that she couldn’t control that reaction because he didn’t deserve it from her. None of it.

  “Too much,” Lily managed to force out. “This is too much.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “No, you’re not. All you did was lie to me. You made me think you gave a damn; you made me believe you wanted me. The only thing you wanted was to use me.”

  “That’s not true,” Damian said, anger heating his tone. “I agreed—”

  “To marry me because of my brother! You never would have looked twice at me otherwise,” Lily said, practically screaming at him. “God, Damian, just admit it. For once, tell me the truth!”

  “I have never lied to you. I omitted facts because you didn’t ask.”

  “I never asked the right questions; that’s what you’re dancing around,” Lily said, scoffing. “All that means is you’re nothing more than a fucking liar, Damian. Is the marriage arrangement even real or was that another one of Dino’s distractions?”

  The look on Damian’s face said it all.

  The marriage was real.

  Lily couldn’t do this anymore. She couldn’t stand there looking at the man who had done nothing but lie to her over and over; a man who had used her for his own gain and who she was still expected to marry.

  “I hate you,” Lily said, needing to hurt Damian like he hurt her. “I hate you so much.”

  “Lily—”

  Lily spun on her heel before Damian could get another word in edgewise. She heard him move toward her as she bolted for the back steps again. Why he couldn’t just leave her alone, she didn’t know.

  Damian caught her just a few steps later. His hand snagged her flimsy sleep shirt and pulled, making her slip on the wet grass. Lily stumbled at the surprise move, falling to the dew covered grass. Damian tried to catch her but ended up on the ground, too.

  Angry, hurting, and more confused than ever, Lily rolled to her back and kicked at him. She struck out at him with her fists, shouting every hateful thing she could think to say and spit. All of the pain crushing her heart with a dreadful weight came out in a vomit of words and tears.

  “I hate you,” she repeated, tasting the saltiness of tears on her lips. “You used the things about me that hurt me, the things you knew would get to me—my parents, the Outfit—you used all of it to get closer to me. All the shit you said to me was nothing more than bullshit. I should have known better than to think you gave a damn. Men like you don’t know how to care about anything but yourself. You are a bastard! You made me think you wanted me. You’re a monster. I hate you!”

  Stop,” Damian said, keeping her pinned under his body on the ground. “Please just stop, Lily.”

  Lily struggled in Damian’s hold as his hands cupped her jaw firmly and didn’t let go. She refused to listen to whatever he had to say, so she kept fighting him the more he held her down. Her fingernails scored into his cheek, drawing blood. Damian flinched in response, wincing. He never once tried to strike her back. Instead, he continued holding onto her face before he forced her head back, making her stare at him. Her eyes filled with tears all over again, streaking down her cheeks for him to see.

  “Let me go!” Lily cried.

  “Not until you listen to me,” Damian muttered.

  With his body on top of hers, barricading her to the wet and cold grass, Lily couldn’t get away. Her flats had fallen off and her shorts and shirt were soaked from rolling around on the ground. She was pretty sure her hair was a goddamn mess, too. She wished she could care.

  Lily felt Damian’s thumbs sweep over her cheekbones as if to wipe away the tears. He couldn’t possibly take them away because the flood kept on coming. Every breath she took was accompanied by a sob that ached deep inside her chest.

  “Do you like this, huh?” Lily asked, taunting him. “Do you like my tears, Damian? They’re all for you this time!”

  Damian’s teeth bared. “You know I don’t.”

  “I don’t know anything about you.”

  “You know everything that’s important,” he replied quietly. “Anything I’ve said and all the things you know, those are important to me.”

  “Lies,” Lily mumbled.

  “Facts.”

  “Asshole.”

  “Maybe,” Damian agreed. “Maybe I am. I told you once that my motives were wrapped up entirely in you and that was the truth. The things that mattered to you, the people who might hurt you or the shit holding you back—I wanted to fix that for you. I never lied to you.”

  “Yes, you did.”

  “I did not! There were things you didn’t need to know. I don’t control Dino, Lily. So I did the next best thing which was keeping you safe while he did whatever the hell he wanted.”

  “You helped,” she spat.

  “Sometimes,” Damian admitted. “Because I had shit to keep safe, too. I had reasons for wanting this, too.”

  Lily stilled under his weight. “Like what?”

  “Me. I wanted to keep me.”

  That didn’t make sense.

  “Let me go,” Lily repeated. “I want to go inside. Anywhere away from you.”

  Soon, preferably.

  Damian refused. “Not until you hear me, Lily. You’re goddamn well going to hear me whether you want to or not. Things were happening around me that I wasn’t getting a say in. Despite what you may think, I didn’t do any of this to get myself higher in the Outfit. I did it so someone else could and I was able to stay being just Damian Rossi. Not someone else, just me.”

  Lily glared. “I—”

  “Dino wanted you to be safe long after he didn’t have the control to keep you that way. He knew that with certain people gone, a mess might happen. One that would put families in the spotlight and fighting against one another. He didn’t want you to be somehow used as a bartering chip between anyone. Not today, tomorrow, or five years from now.”

  “I don’t care.”

  “Stop it. You know you do. You want to know and I’m telling you. Listen.”

  Lily sniffled. “I just want to go inside. Please.”

  Damian acted like she didn’t say a word. “In order to make sure you wouldn’t be put in that kind of position, he needed you married and already taken. I fucked up a long time ago. My mistakes kept me indebted to Dino but it also made me loyal to him. I understood what he wanted to do and why he was doing it. The Outfit is so fucked up sometimes. Greedy, excessive, and full of bullshit and liars.”

  “You’re a liar,” Lily said, hoping that would piss him off enough to release her.

  It didn’t, not entirely.

  Damian’s hand let go of her cheek just long enough to smack the ground hard. Lily froze and her gaze widened. “I am not!”

  “You’re lying to the people around you,” she retorted.

  “They’ve never asked.”

  “Tell me the truth for once,” Lily said, her voice a whisper. “Make me believe something you say. Bec
ause nothing rings true anymore. Nothing.”

  “I didn’t want to marry you. I didn’t want to be married at all.”

  Lily choked out a sob mixed with a bitter laugh. “Now, that I believe.”

  “Then I met you,” Damian added quieter. “And you were not what I was expecting. We were more alike than I thought. I’d already known you from way back when. You had shit going on—you were real. I didn’t want you to hate me or to feel like you were stuck with a man who wouldn’t care about you. And I did care, Lily.”

  “Why would you?” she asked, refusing to look at him again. “I’m nothing to you in the end. Just another girl, a ring on your finger you’ll eventually forget. Nothing, Damian.”

  “Not nothing. Everything,” he murmured.

  A shiver worked its way over Lily’s body but it had nothing to do with the cold, wet ground. His words washed over her skin and senses with a soothing, truthful quality that only hurt her further.

  “You’re so good at this game,” Lily said, hating him for it.

  “No game. Not with you. I would have faked every little goddamn thing I had to with you to make Dino happy, but I didn’t have to. With you, I didn’t have to fake anything.”

  Lily wiggled, trying to get away from the feeling of Damian’s warm hands sliding down her body. When he touched her, she couldn’t think. Damian probably knew that.

  “Stop,” Lily demanded. “Stop playing these games with me. Leave me alone. I’ll follow Dino’s rules and keep my fucking mouth shut about what I know. I’ll marry you because I don’t have a choice, but you can leave me the hell alone while I do it. Find another whore to keep you satisfied, but stay away from me.”

  “No. You’ve got it all wrong, Lily. Every bit of it.”

  Lily laughed darkly. Her tears had finally stopped. “I think I’m right and you’re too much of a coward to admit it.”

  Damian’s fingers pressed to the exposed skin of Lily’s stomach where her shirt had ridden up. The pressure of his fingertips bit into her flesh with the lightest touch, promising and sweet. She despised the fact there was no denying the hard ridge of his erection digging into her pelvis. It turned her on, despite how angry and hurt she was.

  Lily adored this man. She’d went into her affections blindly for him, trusting what he gave to be what it was. She hadn’t realized that someone like Damian could have the kind of effect on her that he did until he was front row and center, demanding her attention. Without ever really trying, he’d had her falling head over heels.

  She thought he would be standing there to catch her.

  Lily was stupid.

  Stupid over him. Stupid for him.

  Stupid.

  God, it was sickening.

  “Stop touching me,” Lily said.

  “No.”

  “You’re an asshole.”

  Damian shrugged. “You’re beautiful.”

  Lily glowered. “Stop it!”

  “You are. I had no reason to let you in, Lily. Not to me or who I was. I didn’t need to invite you into my life or bed before the marriage. I didn’t have to give a shit about you or even try. I didn’t have to like you if I didn’t want to but you made it so fucking easy. Don’t you get that? I could have treated this arrangement as just that—business. If that’s all I thought of it and you, it would have been a hell of a lot simpler just to let you fight it out with Dino and be waiting at the end of the aisle when he forced you down it to meet me. I didn’t have to do any of this!”

  Lily shuddered at what his words implied. “You’re lying again. All you did was make me trust you so that no one would suspect what you and Dino did.”

  “I didn’t have to. That didn’t matter to me. I didn’t have to hide anything. Dino, yes, but not me.”

  “You’re—”

  “Be quiet,” Damian said, his blue eyes blazing into Lily’s with a fierceness that stopped her breath. “Listen to what I have told you. Think about it and for once, hear me. God, I need you to hear me, Lily. Please.”

  “It doesn’t matter. You already said it, Damian. Regardless if Dino forces me down the aisle or not, you’ll still be there waiting. I don’t have to hear or understand anything for it to make a difference.”

  “But I want you to.”

  Lily whined low, feeling his fingers skip around the hem of her shorts. “I don’t.”

  “Why?” he asked.

  “You know why.”

  Damian smiled and the sight only pissed Lily off more. Having her hand free gave her the ability to hit him again, but he caught her wrist before she could. He slammed her hand to the ground beside her head. Lily stilled, shocked. Her body, on the other hand, was hotter than ever.

  “Stop hitting me,” Damian said, cocking a brow. “You’re better than using your hands to show anger. Words work just as well.”

  “I’m so angry with you.”

  “I know. I’m sorry.”

  Lily cried, her tears falling freely again. “I’m angry with me, too.”

  Damian traced Lily’s trembling lip with the pad of his finger before he wiped away her tears. “I hate it when you cry.”

  “I hate it when you say things like that.”

  “No, you don’t,” he argued. “You like it because someone cares.”

  “Except it’s you,” she said shakily.

  “And you’re angry because you know I care,” Damian replied, never breaking eye contact with Lily. “I care enough to protect you. I care enough to let you in.”

  “Enough to lie to me, too?”

  “Lily, stop making me repeat myself.”

  “Lying would have been easier!” she shouted.

  Lily knew he hadn’t lied, not really. In the end, she was the one who chose not to question those around her. She let Damian slip through her carefully constructed walls keeping everyone associated with the Outfit out. She cared about him.

  “I love you,” she breathed, aching inside. “You could have done all of this without making me fall in love with you, Damian.”

  “I never tried to make that happen,” Damian said gently.

  But it was so easy to.

  “You hurt me,” Lily whimpered. “Things you love shouldn’t hurt you.”

  “I’m sorry.” Damian swept his thumb over her mouth again with the softest touch as he said, “But you should know that there’s so much about you I love, Lily. I love the way you smile because you don’t do it nearly enough. I love how you’re quiet and you don’t need noise when you’re beside me to keep you entertained. I love how you let me make you happy even though you don’t like a lot of things about me.”

  “God, stop.”

  “Not a chance. Hear me.”

  Lily blinked, willing away the stinging in her eyes. “I wish I fucking couldn’t.”

  But she could.

  Damian’s erection dug a little harder into Lily’s pelvis, reminding her that she had an effect on him, too. One he had never tried to hide. One he always fed into whenever he could. When he bent down to capture her lips in a kiss, she let him. It still hurt but if felt good, too.

  Pulling away, Damian dotted soft kisses along her cheekbone. “I love the way you taste and how you always beg me for more. I love burying my tongue into your sweet pussy and how you shake when you come. I love my name in your mouth and wrapping my hands in your hair. I love fucking you because even when it’s dirty, it’s still beautiful, too.”

  “So many people are hurting because of this. I can’t be okay with that, Damian. I don’t know how to look the other way.”

  “It’s never been about just you, but my one priority was you while it happened,” Damian explained. “You don’t have to look the other way, but when you’re ready to, I’m still going to be standing here when you look back at me. I’m sorry you hate me right now, but I love you and I wish you would hear that.”

  Lily blew out a breath, biting on her lower lip. “Why did you do this?”

  “I didn’t.”

  Dino.<
br />
  “Why did he do it?” she asked.

  “I thought I knew,” Damian said. “I thought I understood.”

  “But?”

  “I don’t think I know much about him at all.”

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Damian’s insides twisted into a million and one little knots as Lily lay beneath him, still crying. She cried silently without the sobbing from before. It didn’t hurt Damian any less. Her tears still sliced through every inch of his skin, cutting through the muscle and driving into his bones. She couldn’t possibly understand how her pain affected him.

  “I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he told her.

  “You must have known it would,” Lily replied.

  Damian’s hands were dirty from the ground. Blades of grass and pieces of dirt stuck to his fingertips as he wiped at Lily’s face over and over to rid the tears that were ripping him apart. He only made her dirty, too.

  “Christ, I’m sorry,” Damian mumbled.

  Lily laughed but even the sound was sad. “Don’t bother. I’m a mess, anyway.”

  “My mess.”

  “I don’t know how to feel about that,” she whispered.

  “The same way you always did. This changes nothing.”

  “I think it changes everything.”

  Damian frowned though he wished he could hide it. Unfortunately, he was slowly learning that hiding things from Lily never worked out to his favor. “How?”

  Lily sighed, using her own dirty hand to rake through her blonde hair. “Because you love me.”

  Satisfaction filled Damian like he’d never felt before. If she was admitting her belief in his love, the battle was half won on his side.

  “I do,” Damian said.

  “And that just leaves me to wonder about everything when it comes to you.” Lily turned her head to stare off to the side. “Is there such a thing as good men who do bad things?”