When Through Deep Waters

by Rachelle Dekker

  “I want you to know I tried very hard to help you,” Victoria said. “I saw myself in you; I thought together we could offer up penance for our trouble. But at every turn you refused to accept what you are.”

  “Forgiven,” Alicen whispered.

  Victoria’s chin twitched dramatically, and anger rolled across her gaze. “For what you’ve done there is no forgiveness,” she said.

  “I’ve seen it,” Alicen said. “Touched it.”

  “No, you reap what you sow. You have to pay your debts.”

  “My debts have been paid. With grace.”

  Again Victoria’s head twitched violently, her shoulders shaking, her eyes growing in darkness. “Stupid, foolish girl,” she spat. She stepped closer, anger dripping from her expression like poison. “All there is in this world is evil, darkness, trouble. No one leaves unscathed by it. Grace is a myth.”

  Alicen could feel the light of her identity, could hear the chorus of truth softly humming in her soul.

  You are the light of the world.

  The rest is just shadows.

  “You’re wrong,” Alicen said.

  “No!” Victoria said. “You are a worm. We are all worms, birthed from dirt. Filth. Shameful and weak. As I am, so are you.”

  Alicen could hear the anger growing in the woman’s voice, but she wasn’t afraid. She was abiding in love, and there was no fear there.

  You can show her the truth, Alicen.

  Lead her to the water.

  “There is another way, Victoria,” Alicen said.

  “There is only one way!” Victoria snapped back. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a thick syringe. A flash of unease jolted up Alicen’s spine.

  Victoria’s hand shook as she reached out and grabbed Alicen’s right wrist. She pulled it down so that her elbow was straight, the veins in her arm clear. Alicen tried to pull away, but the restraints and Victoria’s strong grip held her firmly.

  “I tried to save you slowly,” Victoria said, “a little bit at a time, so that you could pay what was owed, but it’s better to squish a worm completely.”

  She wasn’t making any sense. Alicen saw only death in her eyes. “Victoria, stop,” she said.

  A sharp pain exploded into Alicen’s arm as Victoria drove the tip of the syringe into her vein. A painful cry lurched from Alicen’s throat, and the pressure from whatever was being pumped into her arm worked its way all the way down into her palm.

  “A special dose for a special case,” Victoria said. “Enough sedation to have you swimming, enough ethylene glycol to send your kidneys into failure before morning.”

  Poison, Alicen thought. Victoria was injecting her with poison. The moment her mind calculated what was happening, the sedative mixed into the deadly cocktail set in. A heavy fog crawled up from her heels, through her legs, into her chest, and up her neck.

  “I wanted to avoid death, but death seems to be my only salvation. Blood for blood,” Victoria rambled. Her hands shook. Her breathing had quickened. Her pale skin flushed.

  Alicen, you can show her.

  Lead her to the water.

  “I can show you,” Alicen managed through the numbing that was overwhelming her brain.

  “No!” Victoria yelled. “Payment is necessary for the sins committed. You are my payment. My skin in the game.”

  Through the haze taking full control of her system, Alicen heard a soft thudding. Across the room another small stream of light pierced the darkness. Muffled calls drifted into the space, and Alicen followed Victoria’s gaze as she turned her head to look up at Alicen’s closed door. Someone was pounding on the outside, Alicen thought. Trying to get in. To save her.

  Victoria looked back to Alicen, no concern on her face. She was too far gone to care now. She had lost control. Alicen knew that feeling well. She’d experienced it herself.

  The thudding continued, the muffled voices multiplying. Victoria shook her head. “Your trouble crawled under my skin, Alicen. It became my own, and it made me pay. You stole from me, and I paid for you!”

  Alicen’s lungs seemed slow, and she struggled to get a breath. Somewhere inside her barely functioning brain, she wondered if she was dying.

  “This is your atonement,” Victoria said. “Life has come to collect.”

  Everything felt so dull. Yet the whisper still broke through and burrowed into Alicen’s heart. The voice of the Spirit calling her again to the water, but this time not alone.

  Show her.

  Lead her to the water.

  “Grace has already atoned for me,” Alicen said. With all the strength she could muster through the pain, Alicen turned her eyes to Victoria. She captured Victoria’s gaze with her own, and the demons behind Victoria’s vision growled at the light behind Alicen’s.

  “Let me show you,” Alicen said as she reached her hand out, grabbed Victoria’s wrist, and watched as the entire world shifted.

  27

  Victoria gasped as Alicen’s hand clasped her wrist and the vision around her changed. As if they’d been sucked through time and space itself, Alicen’s room was gone, and all around her was forest. She was kneeling, both her palms pressed down into the grassy floor. She pushed up to her feet and turned. The place where she stood was a clearing, a circle of trees surrounding it. And in the center was a lake.

  Victoria looked up; a brilliant night sky shone down. Filled with stars and bright moonlight, beautiful and breathtaking. A warm breeze floated by, lifting the ends of her hair as a roll of thunder echoed in the distance. A storm, she thought.

  “Only beyond the trees—never in here,” someone said, and Victoria spun around to see Alicen standing a couple of feet away. The woman was striking against the dark wooded backdrop. Her golden hair perfectly placed along the tops of her shoulders, her eyes piercing through the night, her skin capturing a glow that seemed abnormal and looked warm to the touch.

  “Where are we?” Victoria asked. “What did you do to me?”

  “I told you I would show you another way,” Alicen said.

  “I don’t . . . How . . . ?” The shock of what had happened before her eyes was making it impossible for Victoria’s brain to function.

  Alicen smiled. “Trying to wrap your mind around it will only make it worse.”

  Victoria’s mouth gaped open as she dropped her eyes and shook her head.

  Careful, little Victoria, or her trouble will get you. Her uncle’s voice drifted by on the wind, and Victoria clenched her eyes shut.

  This isn’t real, she thought.

  Get ahold of yourself, Victoria, she scolded.

  “This isn’t possible,” she spat.

  “Yet here we are,” Alicen replied.

  Victoria took a sharp breath and clamped her teeth tightly. Her chin jerked; the place along her wrists where she paid for her failures burned. “No,” she said. “No, take me back.”

  “Don’t you want to see grace?” Alicen asked.

  “Grace is a lie.”

  “No, Victoria, the lie is what you believe now. Your vision is clouded.”

  Worm. Filthy, dirty worm.

  Murderer.

  “I know how it feels to be tormented by your pain,” Alicen said. Victoria tried to shake the hold Alicen had on her gaze, but the woman seemed to be reaching into her chest and drawing her closer. “I believed, like you do, that I could never be rid of my shame.”

  Victoria’s heart thumped quickly, ramming the inside of her chest. Her brain spun, her stomach ached. The grass seemed to be reaching up into the soles of her feet, hot and electric, as if the ground itself were infused with Alicen’s words.

  “All I saw was the darkness in the world. And then I was led back to truth. Renewed. You can be as well,” Alicen said.

  Lying, filthy little worm. There’s no forgiveness for what you’ve done.

  Remember what you are, little Victoria.

  “Remember what Jesus taught: you are the light of the world. Forgive yourself because you are forgiv
en,” Alicen said.

  “Stop,” Victoria commanded. Her demons rose up through her chest again, heating the inside of her throat. Rage ignited her bloodstream. Her uncle’s mocking laughter filled her brain.

  Foolish, worthless girl.

  “I can show you,” Alicen said, taking another step forward and extending her hand between them. “I can show you how to access grace.”

  Born from filth, the weakest of all worms.

  Thunder rumbled close, and hot light from strikes of lightning flashed in the distance. Victoria’s trouble roared, her memories soaked in, taking her back to that place. To the nights when he’d come for her. To the places where he’d reminded her of what she was. The living nightmares of her past. No, she thought. No—get control, little girl.

  “Let me show you,” Alicen said. A strong, wild wind swept across the clearing and ruffled the top of the still water. Then a new small voice whispered through the madness collecting in Victoria’s brain.

  Victoria, do you hear us?

  The voice of children, coming from her right. Victoria turned to peer across the water but saw nothing. Children? Her eyes fell to the water filling the small, round pool. It drew her attention as it swirled in brilliant colors of blue and green. The wind fingering across the top, drawing circles that rippled up to the water’s edge and lapped peacefully out onto the grass.

  Something about the sight stirred Victoria’s feet, and she nearly stepped toward it. For a split second everything else stilled as her eyes drank in the reflections of light playing off its surface.

  Victoria, do you hear us?

  And then the voice of chaos returned.

  Pathetic, weak child.

  I tried to save you, but you were never worth saving.

  Pain erupted through her skull as a screaming newborn’s wail filled the sky. She cried out, waves of hot pain piercing her, shutting out the comfort of the breeze. It shook her bones, boiled her blood.

  Worthless, evil girl.

  I tried to love you, but you were never worth loving.

  “No, no, no,” Victoria rambled as her demons spread out through every inch of her being. Images of her newborn son flooded her mind. His screams rattled inside her brain.

  Murderer.

  Children should be protected.

  “I did protect him. I protected him from you. From all the evil you were!”

  Stupid little Victoria, the evil is you.

  The baby’s screams grew, thundering down against her skin. Guilt and sorrow pounded into her bones like nails. “He had to be protected from our evil,” she cried. “I paid for your sins against me with his blood. Blood for blood.”

  You failed. Your blood is still dirty and worthless.

  “No, no!” she screamed. She glanced up at Alicen, still serene and untouched by the horror exploding through Victoria’s existence. “I paid what was owed!”

  “When the voice of the accuser comes, don’t be afraid,” Alicen said.

  Be very afraid; your trouble will eat you whole.

  His voice scorched through her system, leaving fires of agony in its wake.

  “For there is another voice in the stillness,” Alicen continued, “the voice of love, and it calls you to the waters.”

  There is no love for a murderer. For a worm.

  “Stop!” Victoria cried.

  Victoria, do you hear us?

  Again the soft childlike whispers tickled at the back of her mind. The collision of forces around her dragged Victoria to her knees. Her chest threatened to burst open, the raging fire blistering in her seemingly strong enough to burn the ring of trees that circled the clearing to the ground.

  “Listen to the voice of love; follow it to the water, dive deep, and discover grace,” Alicen said.

  “Stop,” Victoria said, her shoulders shaking, her mind being split in half.

  From her knees, Victoria watched as Alicen walked to the lake’s edge. She dropped low, placed both hands in the water, and scooped them together, collecting a small amount in the bowl of her palms. She then stood and walked to where Victoria was. The water stayed in place, not dripping through the slits of her fingers, not splashing up and over her thumbs. It just rested in the center, and then it was inches from her face. Victoria tried several gasps that turned sharp and painful, her lungs and throat on fire.

  “When called to the deep waters, know the sorrow will not overwhelm you,” Alicen whispered, her hands outstretched, her eyes shimmering with light. Victoria couldn’t tear her gaze from the blue-green magic that spun inside Alicen’s palms.

  “For you are the light of the world, and your pain is just a shadow,” Alicen said. As she spoke, the water seemed to transform, light spilling from its center, drifting off Alicen’s hands and down into the ground between them. The wonder of it once again stilled the madness inside Victoria’s head as it stretched across the ground toward her knees.

  “The only way to be truly free . . . ,” Alicen whispered.

  Victoria’s eyes remained locked on the light creeping across the grass.

  “. . . is to walk into the shadows and remember who you are.”

  Then the transformed water touched Victoria’s skin. It warmed a place in her kneecap and pressed up her legs. It swam through the anger pumping in her blood and chilled it with ease. A new sensation of peace inched into the pit of her stomach as the grass beneath her swayed to the choir of soft voices that barely floated by on the wind.

  When through deep waters you are called, don’t be afraid.

  You are the light of the world; the rest is just shadows.

  Victoria felt a tear plop against the back of her hand, more following, streaming down her face. Her heart ached for more, but just as soon as the peace and light had begun to fill her, the agony of her past returned.

  Darkness crept over the place where the light had been, and hot rage broke the cool sensation of peace.

  Foolish little Victoria, you reap what you sow.

  Pain and sorrow ripped through her chest, bursting across the clearing and knocking the trees together like bowling pins. Victoria cried out again, toppled forward, and grabbed at her heart, which felt like it was being squeezed out through a fissure in her rib cage.

  This is what you are.

  This is what you’ve done.

  Don’t forget your filth.

  Terror and anger erupted like lava. Hot and deadly, spewing out from her every pore, melting her bones, turning her skin to ash. The words of her uncle mocking her.

  This is what you’re worth, child.

  I tried to save you, but you weren’t worth saving.

  I tried to love you, but you weren’t worth loving.

  Tearful agony washed her face, drenched her cheeks with regret. Somewhere in the depths of her pain she heard Alicen’s voice. “Don’t believe the lie of the world, Victoria; you are more than what he says.”

  Don’t listen to her, Victoria; you know exactly what you are.

  Another spasm of torment ransacked Victoria’s body. She cursed, pressed her forehead into the cold ground, and begged for it to be over.

  “Forgive yourself, for you are forgiven,” Alicen said.

  Worms don’t get forgiveness; worms get eaten.

  “Grace can be yours; all you have to do is accept that it is,” Alicen said.

  Eaten by their trouble. Accept that, little Victoria.

  “Don’t be afraid; there is no fear in love.”

  You can’t be loved.

  He was right, Victoria thought; he was always right. The pain, the memories, the tiny cry, the raging sorrow, the rippling anger, the abuse, the guilt, the shame, the abandonment, the loss, the heartache—all of it attacked her at once. And she knew that if she stayed here, she’d die.

  Squirm away, little worm, before your trouble eats you.

  Victoria pushed herself away from the ground and took off, away from the clearing. Out past the tree line and into the pouring rain. It hit her like icy picks drilli
ng down from the sky.

  Run, run, little Victoria.

  This is what you are.

  This is what you’ve done.

  Don’t forget your filth.

  Branches slapped against her body as she moved. She had to get away from the memories, from the pain, from the trouble that had risen up to swallow her. The cries of her murdered son still spilled across the sky, and no matter how fast she pumped her legs, they followed her. She had saved him, she tried to rationalize; she had only been saving him.

  Victoria’s foot caught a thick root and she started to fall forward. Suddenly the forest was gone. She was back in Alicen’s room, Alicen lying on the bed in front of her, her eyes rolled back into her head, her body seizing.

  Victoria’s heart crashed inside her chest as the door to the right swung open and chaos ensued. Voices took over the room as large hands were on top of her, pulling her backward and away from Alicen.

  “Get her back,” a familiar male voice called out. It was Dr. Wells, accompanied by a handful of nurses. “What did you do to her?” he demanded of Victoria, but she couldn’t speak.

  Pieces of reality were falling into Victoria’s mind, but the emotional rampage of her forest experience was still too heavy to push past. The pain and terror she’d fled the clearing with remained brimming under her skin.

  “Get her on her side,” a voice called. “Someone get me a crash cart.”

  “What did you give her?” Dr. Wells asked. “Victoria!”

  She still couldn’t speak. Shock had taken over her body.

  “Dr. Wells, I need your help.” The room was busy with motion to try and save the woman lying on the bed.

  The room became muffled. Voices called out commands as people moved about, but Victoria only heard the sound of her heart beating.

  And then his voice returned.

  Filthy little worm. They’ll fire you now.

  You’ll pay for this.

  She closed her eyes, her lips quivering, but before she could conjure another thought, something else whispered through her reality. Something she’d only just discovered.