Tragedy (Forsaken Lands)

by Cooper, Sydney M.

  "That's not-"

  "Don't lie to me. I might not read minds, but I can see and hear just fine. You're hurt because you think he doesn't want you, and I understand that. Whether or not that's the case, he didn't do anything strictly wrong. He hasn't given an oath to you or anyone else."

  Aia could feel her skin glowing. She growled low in her throat.

  "That's all I had to say," Les sighed. "It had to be said."

  "If we weren't in this goddamn situation it would be different. Everything would be different."

  "That's not lost on me, you can be sure."

  The sound of boots on gravel and a whistl k anth="e heralded Garren's return. Teveres was not with him.

  "We found one," Garren said, taking Lux's reins. "Just over this pass."

  Aia and Les helped Garren corral the horses, trekking carefully across uneven terrain to the opening of the cave. It was formed of several large boulders from a rockslide many years past, just large enough that everyone could sleep with a few inches between them. Teveres sat by a small collection of twigs and would-be logs near the cave opening, using Les's lighter to start a fire. He looked up only briefly when they approached.

  As soon as the horses were properly tended, Aia stepped into the cave's corner to change. Just being dry made her feel more human. She frowned at her traveling clothes, certain that they would not be wearable by morning.

  With Les and Garren busy with the gear, Aia had very little to do with her idle hands. As much as she hated to admit it, Les was right about needing to come to better terms with Teveres. It wouldn't do to travel all the way to Nivenea like strangers, and it certainly wouldn't help them when it came to finding Adreth. Preparing herself for a highly awkward conversation, Aia sat beside the fire close, but not too close, to Teveres.

  "I'm surprised you found anything that would burn," she began, thankful for a polite topic of conversation.

  He stuck a thumb towards the shelter of the overhang, gaze fixed on the fire. "Hoping some of the wood I stuck back there will light later."

  "Ah, well that's... I hope so too."

  "Mmhm." He nudged one of the thin pieces of kindling with his dagger. His eyes flickered up at her as if he were about to say something else.

  "There is still light," Garren unintentionally interrupted their exchange. He leaned against the mouth of the cave, squinting out over the hills. Vail could be seen off in the distance, pinpoint lights in a sea of brown and green. He pulled the new bow off his back and threw it at an unsuspecting Les. "There is time to practice and hunt."

  Les almost dropped the weapon in surprise. In several days, Garren had said nothing about the bow, and Les had been able to glean very little information from their conversations. Les held it out, fingers running along its length in awe. "You mean me?"

  Garren smiled widely. Aia smothered a laugh just at the sight - Garren almost never cracked a decent smile. "Yes."

  "It's mine?"

  "We have no archer. Archery is useful. You are interested; we have time, so I will teach." Unassailable logic.

  Les suddenly gained the energy of a child, enthusiastically bouncing out of the cave into the rain. Garren paused before he left.

  "You wish to come?" Garren asked Aia and Teveres.

  Aia hugged her chest tightly. "I'm already dry in kreaTevhere."

  She could feel Teveres's regretful sense of duty when he shook his head. "I'll stay here. She shouldn't be left alone."

  Part of her was angry at the notion that she could not defend herself, but she had to admit that it was practical. She had no intentions of striking out on her own again until they were clear of their enemies. If they ever came clear of their enemies.

  "We will return before dark," said Garren.

  Aia opened up her bag to inventory her supplies. She lost half a dozen elixirs in her altercation with the Followers. She intended it to be a distraction, but looking at her medicines reminded her that Teveres might be hurting from the long ride in the rain as well.

  It was a little disappointing that when she finally looked up at him he wasn't stealing glances at her like he did on the road from Torvid's Rest. They were close enough to feel the heat off each other's bodies in the close quarters of the overhang. Teveres's dour expression was shadowed by the limp hair hanging over his face. He tactfully edged as far away from her as he could manage. The lack of communication quickly became awkward.

  "You have to talk to me someday," Aia finally said.

  A slight twitch in his cheek was his only response. It might have been laughter.

  "We can't avoid each other forever," she pressed on.

  He looked at her with one eyebrow raised. We can if one of us dies between here and Nivenea, he told her wordlessly.

  "You don't have to be spiteful about it."

  His lips sealed in a tight line. That would be your opinion.

  Disgruntled, Aia glared at him. She was the one who deserve to be mad at him. "You have to be hurting as much as I was, so just tell me if you want me to heal you or not."

  In the fire's light his eyes were only more damnably alluring. He surveyed what was left of her potion collection. He spoke audibly, if reluctantly. "Why do you do that?"

  "Do what?"

  "Every time I do something that makes you upset, you offer to heal me shortly after. I thought it was coincidence but now I wonder if it's some kind of perverse revenge, you showing me how much better you are in every possible way."

  A flash of memory; the image of her mother dying below her, paralyzed green eyes silently begging for mercy. The thought tightened her chest.

  "I've never healed a person to prove a kon ize=" point." She cleared her throat, "I guess... when I don't know what to say or do I go back to what I know. I know how to heal. I don't always know how to talk to people."

  "You could try," he raised his eyebrows, "You could say anything directly. I put up with the passive insults because I recognize that I make a lot of mistakes, but any time you'd like to stop would be fine with me. You can tell me you hate me. Worse things have happened, and I'd rather you said it now than make me wonder."

  He wonders? "I don't hate you." She sounded like a petulant child in her own ears. "I don't know what you want from me."

  "Of course you don't."

  "Was it a woman?" she blurted.

  His face twisted, altering between amusement and shock. He guffawed. "That's what you want to ask me? If it was a woman?" He shook his head. "I don't find men terribly attractive. So I suppose your answer is yes, it was a woman." He paused, "And what if it wasn't, anyway?"

  Aia hid her face in her hands. She had an embarrassing propensity for blushing at the most minor disruption in her mood. Why did it matter?

  Because I must surely be more attractive than any man in Vail, she thought only to herself.

  "I guess I would... be..." she bit her lip, "Forget it. Both of us are too broken to me to even think..." There was a jolt of anger in the air around that gave her a start.

  "The only one who is broken here is me," his voice was laced with a dangerous heat that burned behind his eyes. "You don't get to use that kind of excuse. You haven't earned it."

  "Haven't earned it?" her laugh was hollow. Aia felt her own eyes glaze over at the memory that surfaced again, the intensity shaking the muscles in her core. "You think because you shared your memories with me that somehow I gave you a part of myself in exchange. You don't know anything about me, not really. Not the things that matter. Or have you ever even wondered why I never talk about my life in Seldat? Even you speak of your childhood in Ilvan from time to time."

  Hungry curiosity flickered in his features. His body leaned forward just slightly, his fingers laced together. He was trying to restrain himself from uttering a stream of questions, the coolness of clergy emanating from his pores.

  "Try me," he uttered mechanically.

  Somehow she hadn't expected it. She thought he might hear her words and be driven away, or continue on myste
riously the way he liked to do, brooding quietly all by himself. Instead he pursued it. He wanted to know more, and she wasn't ready to give it - except that she was on the precipice of sharing something she had told n khe teado one, and the idea of speaking it aloud for the first time made her swell with anticipation. It was the test.

  Just beneath his silence he was practically begging her to tell him. Seconds ticked past while he sat before her, unmoving. She had given him chase, and he had her cornered. He wasn't going to let her get out of this conversation without explaining herself.

  "Do you know what it's like to hate someone?" she said, the words tumbling from her lips too fast, "Not just a little - not over something small, but really hate someone with every fiber in your body, no matter how hard you tried to love them?"

  She waited for him to respond, but he didn't. He soaked in the information with the same stoic expression.

  "I thought I was crazy for feeling that way. For feeling nothing my whole life, being terrified of what she was going to do next. I thought I was just ungrateful, but my mother was..." something between a sob and a scream rose in her chest. She pushed it down. "She was a monstrous woman who claimed to love me, but she treated me like filth."

  Teveres's jaw loosened just slightly. He took a breath as if to speak, but she couldn't let him respond yet. The words kept coming, and she was powerless to stop them.

  "I killed her," she said quickly, forcing herself not to look away from him. "I didn't do it on purpose, but I could have saved her life but I didn't. I watched her... felt the light of her life dim, and then extinguish. So you see..." she smiled darkly, "I am broken, and crazy, and possibly a sociopath. I'm not sure. You've never killed a person the way I have, and skies above, it was my own mother."

  "You tried to take your own life." Memories long forgotten began to surface in him, memories of his soft calls out into the darkness, yearning for someone who was the least bit like him. Aia withdrew into herself instinctively. "I remember... all those times when I felt something fading away from me. It was you. Your mother did that to you."

  Her mouth went completely dry. "Yes," was all she could manage.

  She could not quantify the way his expression changed. Respect? Admiration? Whatever that look meant, it wasn't what she expected. It made her instantly uncomfortable.

  "If she were not already dead, I would kill her myself," he said.

  The sincere protectiveness in his voice was startling. A raw wound very deep in her spirit made itself known. No one had ever spoken with her about what had happened, and certainly no one had ever offered her protection, even if it was no longer needed. Healers, teachers, friends, and even other family members never wanted to face the reality of what her mother had done. Through their connection, he knew how bad it was.

  He didn't find her reprehensible for any of it.

  Her tongue froze in her mouth. She had no reference point for what to say, so she said nothing. Her focus drifted to the storm outside and the consisten kthen't whatt sound of falling rain. He allowed it for a few moments, leaving her alone while he changed into drier clothes at the back of the cave himself. When he returned, he sat just slightly closer to her, fussing with the fire.

  "Are you still angry with me?" his voice was velvety soft, tentative.

  "Yes."

  "Good. Maybe your anger will improve your knife skills when we practice tomorrow."

  The way his eyes sparkled mischievously tugged her away from her past. He was still an impulsive ass, but he was also someone who accepted her. She didn't know what to make of it.

  "You'd best watch yourself, then," she told him.

  * * *

  Teveres opened his eyes in thin slits. The dull embers of the fire gave almost-imperceptible light to his surroundings. The hills just outside the cave mouth were filled with a winter wind, enough to turn raindrops to ice over the struggling vegetation. His warm limbs begged him to stay wrapped in his sleep sack, but his mind stirred.

  Les was shifting about in the dark. He was making a concerted effort to be quiet, but the light disturbance of his feel against the ground was enough to wake Teveres. Teveres hesitated to sit up, but curiosity overtook him. He propped himself up on one elbow to get a better view.

  Les was facing the fire on his knees, hands flat on his thighs. Around him were stones laid out in a triangle, flanked by small purple flowers which were found abundant on the trail. He jerked abruptly when he noticed Teveres.

  Teveres held up one hand in a nonthreatening manner, shivering as his unprotected skin touched the harsh chill of night. Analyzing the scene with a practiced eye, Teveres smiled faintly.

  "You might want to face northeast," Teveres whispered, conscious of Garren and Aia's sleeping forms across from him.

  Les narrowed his eyes, his shoulders sagging. "How would you know?"

  With a soft groan, Teveres gathered his cloak tight against his body and sat up more fully. "I'd show you the tattoo again but it's very cold."

  "You don't even believe in the gods."

  "I don't." Teveres shrugged, "That doesn't make me any less correct."

  "Do you have any other suggestions, priest?"

  "I wasn't trying to be unkind. If you're calling on Protection, which it looks like you are from the pyramid sign, then you want to angle to Helnia and Radath. The elements Wind and Stone hail from the northeast, ergo, it would be most efficient to face northeast."

  Les began rearranging his krraicienstones so the triangle tip pointed northeast, a scowl on his face. Teveres watched a moment, regretting his interruption.

  "I'm really not criticizing," Teveres continued apologetically, "I admire your faith."

  "Didn't you used to have some of your own?"

  "I did." Teveres chuckled, stifling the sound against his arm. "Maybe. I'm not sure anymore."

  Les surveyed his work, adjusting the angles just slightly. His back was turned to the fire, leaving him staring into the darkness. "You must have believed once, being clergy."

  "You'd be surprised... but you are right. I believed the stories."

  "Why did you stop?"

  "I wouldn't want to ruin your prayer."

  "You assume that you haven't ruined it already." Les allowed Teveres a half-second to feel bad before he showed off his customary half-smile. "I was just curious. You can go back to sleep if you want."

  Unadulterated curiosity in Les's eyes beckoned Teveres to share the details of his past. Aia's revelation to him earlier in the evening had caused him to mull over many memories, those connected to her as well as independent ones. The loss of his faith was not something he spoke of with anyone - not with Veni, and certainly not with his father. His father died thinking that Teveres was still enamored with the gods of their culture.

  "Nick was a bad kid," he began tentatively, searching Les's face for any sign that he should back off. "He used to call people names, threaten them. He stole toys from the younger kids just because he could. He was fourteen when I knew him, which seemed old to me when I was twelve. I was playing with my friends in my backyard when he came over, making cracks about me and my horses. He said that I kept the horses around so other kids would play with me, because I was too weird to find friends of my own. Then he shoved me."

  Teveres paused, feeling suddenly claustrophobic out in the wide open space. He couldn't look Les directly in the face. Thirteen years of distance from the event failed to dull his visceral response.

  "You killed him?" Les prompted.

  Teveres swallowed against a dry throat. "I didn't mean to. He humiliated me in front of my friends... I didn't control my anger like my father taught me to. I still remember his eyes - they were blue." He shook his head, "Nick was annoying and a bully, but he was child, just like I was. He wasn't my first human kill, but at that point I was old enough to understand exactly what happened. I knew it was really my fault, and that my victim was innocent. He would never grow up to be anything more. He lost that chance." Nerves under control,
Teveres continued his story without faltering. "I realized that I couldn't believe in gods who would create something like me."

  "Something like you?"

  "What I do is destructive. Nothing positive comes of it. I create suffe k crand even if there are gods, I prove that they cannot be benevolent. He had destroyed enough. He could not take responsibility for destroying Les's faith, too.

  "You could do a lot of good things with your power. You could use it to protect the people you care about."

  "If I could go my entire life without killing another person, I would. It's never what I wanted."

  "D

  o you believe that killing is always wrong?"

  "Maybe. I don't know. If it is, it doesn't matter. I can't change who I am. If killing damns my soul then there is nothing to be done for it. My fate has been decided."

  A hollow attempt at understanding lit in Les's eyes. He gathered the purple flowers in his hands, examining them carefully. "There's too much good in the world for me to stop believing. We can't explain how the kelspar works without the gods... and they've protected me all this time."

  You've protected yourself. Teveres bit back his retort.

  "Is it wrong for me to include you in my prayers?" Les asked sincerely.

  Les's compassion took him by surprise. Teveres shook his head. "I... don't think so. Not unless you're afraid that referencing a nonbeliever will taint your ritual."

  "I'll take the chance."

  Chapter 14

  Adria lived in a world of metal and stone. Stone floors, metal bars. Stone slabs, metal keys. Every sound was rough, every physical sensation cold and hard. There were no windows; at night the moonlight through the spire was not strong enough to penetrate down the long 15 floors to the prison basement. There was sometimes candlelight. Mostly there was darkness. Darkness, metal, and stone.

  Her eyes adjusted to the low light conditions. Her pupils sucked in reflections of light from down the long halls so she could make out the marks on her counting wall. She used the palm-sized rock in her hand to grind another tally into her progressive calendar.