Mates, Dates Guide to Life

by Cathy Hopkins

  So, he’s asked you out, you’re prepared to talk, listen and look fab. What’s the best place for a first date? Tony reckons he’s done a lot of research into this.

  Tory’s Top Romantic Places

  I reckon that it’s best to go some place where you can get to know each other so, although a movie might seem like a good idea, you’re not going to get much chance to talk. On the other hand, if it’s a horror film you do get to snuggle up and if your date doesn’t have much to say, it removes the embarrassment of long silences - and at least you have the movie to talk about when you come out.

  Here are my fave places for a first date:

  Anywhere candlelit.

  A meal in a cosy little restaurant with a relaxed atmosphere.

  The local park on a summer’s night. (You can snog behind the trees.)

  A funky old café with big sofas you can sink into.

  Bowling can be good fun as you get to talk and play (but not in Lucy’s case as when she lets the ball go it goes up instead of across and once, she almost knocked out a guy in the next lane).

  My bedroom - I have some great sounds and it’s very private.

  (Note from Nesta: Obviously, this last one works only for Tony as he has got it kitted out like a cool bachelor pad. If your bedroom is a tip, think twice.

  Also it might give a boy the wrong idea about what your intentions are!)

  Snogging

  And so to kissing. We thought we’d hand this bit over to Tony too, seeing as he thinks he’s such an expert. (Lucy says he is!)

  How to be a Great Kisser

  by Tony Costello

  OK, girls, this is how it’s done!

  Do:

  Have clean teeth and fresh breath.

  Vary the intensity of your kisses (gentle to more searching and deeper, back to gentle again). There’s nothing worse than someone who just goes for it with the same pressure all the time.

  Close your eyes. (There’s nothing weirder than someone eyeballing you mid-snog.)

  Leave him wanting more.

  Don’t:

  Give gooey, sloppy kisses with your mouth open too wide. Yuck.

  Kiss when you’ve been eating garlic, curry, onions or tuna or been smoking. Yuck. (If you can’t avoid one of them, like if you’ve been to an Indian restaurant, chew some gum beforehand.)

  Pin him down so he can’t breathe.

  Kiss with your mouth tight shut.

  Outstay your welcome.

  Your First Kiss

  This is a good chance to test if the chemistry really is there.

  Relax. Sometimes it’s nice if he puts his arms around your waist and you put yours around his neck.

  Start with a soft, closed mouth, then let it open a little (not a lot).

  A first kiss should last more than a second so that it’s not a peck, and less than ten seconds. If it’s too short, you may be giving the message that he’s not for you. If it’s too long at this stage, he may think that you’re over keen.

  After this kiss, you can decide if you want more.

  Second Kiss

  Start as before - remember to keep your lips soft, not too puckered up and keep your arms around each other. This time your kisses can last longer, but remember to keep breathing or come up for breath in between a row of kisses. You don’t have to go for a snogathon at this stage as it’s nice to break between kisses and just hold each other or hold hands and savour the moment.

  French Kissing

  Take into consideration points mentioned before: fresh breath, relax, etc. Let go of tension in your neck or head.

  Put your arms around each other.

  Start off with a normal, soft, closed-mouth kiss, then part your lips a little.

  If the boys has his lips closed, you can nudge his lips apart gently with your tongue. But don’t force it.

  Move your tongue inside the boy’s mouth and gently touch his tongue. Don’t use the tongue as a poker. You don’t have to clean his teeth with your tongue or stick your tongue down his throat!

  If he seems tense or moves away, stop. If he seems to like it, continue.

  You can open your mouth a little wider if you feel that the boy is responding and keep on doing what you’re doing with a little more passion. Take your lead from each other, i.e. whether to go slower or deeper with your kisses. You don’t need to open your mouth very wide as this isn’t a resuscitation exercise, it is a kiss.

  Don’t forget to swallow and come up for air when you need.

  Go with the flow. You may want to close your mouth again and just go back to soft kisses, then back to French kissing - whatever feels natural.

  And even though Izzie felt embarrassed about the fact she practised kissing on the back of her hand, it’s actually not a bad idea! You can experience what feels good and what feels strange.

  If you have braces, you can still French kiss. You just have to be a bit more careful and not as forceful. If he wears braces too, avoid touching the teeth.

  And that’s it. Simple, really.

  Cosmic Kisses

  by Izzie Foster

  I’m sending you cosmic kisses straight from my heart

  A planet collision won’t tear us apart

  The distance between us is never too far

  I’ll hitch a ride on a comet to get where you are

  In a moment a glance became a kiss

  In a heartbeat I knew my world had changed

  For better, forever there is no other

  You’re one in a million, of that I’m sure

  One a million and I’m feeling so secure

  Cos I’m sending you cosmic kisses straight from my heart

  A planet collision won’t tear us apart

  The distance between us is never too far

  I’ll hitch a ride on a comet to get where you are

  How to Get a Second Date

  Put into practice everything we’ve said so far for your first date, i.e. be lighthearted, fun and interesting; look your best; don’t overstay your welcome; leave him wanting more. If he has to go home at a certain time, don’t complain - in fact, it’s best if you leave first.

  Be cool. Don’t assume that because you’ve had one date that you are now ‘in a relationship’ and have licence to call him three times a day and see him four times a week. Give him lots of space in the beginning because one thing that most boys don’t like is feeling pressurised to be committed before they’re ready. You might be over the moon and in love, and think he’s The One but bide your time.

  When a mate says I’ll call you, she often means when I get home or tomorrow, but it’s different with dates. If your first date went well, he’ll call you, but remember when a boy says he’ll call you he means probably in a week, earlier if he’s really keen, so don’t panic.

  Alternatively, if he says he’d like to see you again after your first date, say casually, ‘OK, sure, I’ll give you a call,’ and you take his number. Then wait a while, at least a few days. Let him sweat about why his phone isn’t ringing!

  How to Keep Him

  And so it’s love. The real thing. You’re dating. You’ve become a couple. You say things like, ‘Love makes the world go round.’ Round the bend, your friends might think, so make sure you don’t shove them out as you go into a couple bubble. As you spend more time together and get to know each other better, it can be quite a readjustment having a ‘steady boyfriend’ to fit into the rest of your life. We asked Lucy’s mum to do this bit as she works as a counsellor and spends her days giving couples good advice about how to make relationships work!

  Mrs Lovering’s Top Tips for Relationships

  Remember that relationships are a two-way street, so don’t always demand your own way about where you go and who you hang out with. And don’t always let him have his own way or hang out with his friends. Find what suits both of you.

  Negotiate: if you want to see him four nights a week and he wants to see you one, work out an arrangement that suits both of you.


  Keep communicating: if something’s bothering you, don’t bottle it up, talk about it. Don’t grumble, there’s nothing like it for killing romance. If you have something to say, say it clearly and without blame. Sentences that start with ‘I feel ...’ or ‘I need ...’ work much better than accusative words like ‘You should have ...’ or ‘You ought ...’ as they can put a boy on the defensive.

  Don’t bury yourself away with your boyfriend. See your friends regularly. Remember, boys may come and go, but friends are forever and there when you need them to pick up the pieces if things go wrong.

  Don’t expect your boyfriend to keep you happy on every level, then blame him if he can’t. We all have different facets to our personalities and some you can share with a new boy, some you will share with your mates.

  If you’re feeling down or angry, find ways to let off steam without blasting it all out on your boyfriend. Just because you are dating, doesn’t mean you can dump on him or vice versa.

  Give each other regular acknowledgement for what each of you contributes. Don’t only say what’s missing or what hasn’t been done.

  Respect your boyfriend as an individual and don’t try to change him. The only time you can change a boy is when he’s a baby.

  Make time to talk. And listen.

  Treat each other to occasional surprises.

  Make an effort sometimes to go out of your way to let your boyfriend know you think he’s special. If his favourite ice cream is Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia, get him a tub.

  Don’t always expect him to pay because he’s male.

  Don’t be clingy. There’s a saying that goes, ‘If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it’s meant to be. If they don’t, it isn’t’. In plain language, that means give him space.

  Maintain some independence and keep up your interests outside the relationship.

  Don’t criticise him in front of his or your mates. It might feel safe to say something negative if there’s a crowd there, but it can be very humiliating for the one being criticised.

  Don’t be controlling and don’t be controlled about what you wear, who you see or what you want to do. You’re both individuals and neither of you own each other just because you’re dating.

  And a Few More Words From Tony . . .

  Some girls can get over-sensitive when a boy is short on the phone and then think he’s gone off her. Sometimes it’s simply that she’s called at a bad time. Pick a good time for your calls:

  Don’t call too early in the morning when your boyfriend and his family are in a rush to get out.

  Don’t call too late or else you may get his parents, then he has to explain all about you and may feel embarrassed about being grilled.

  Don’t call when there’s an important football match or his favourite TV programme is on.

  Don’t call when you know he’s with a bunch of mates as sometimes boys act clever and cool on the phone. Don’t ask me why - us boys can be stupid like that.

  Sex

  It’s a big decision whether you want to take the relationship further and when you want to have sex - although sixteen is the legal age of consent in the UK (seventeen in Northern Ireland). All of us girls have had to deal with boys and their wandering hands before we’re ready. We think that you should have sex only when you really and truly feel ready and you want to do it. In the meantime, there are many ways you can be close without actually having sex. Try massaging, cuddling, stroking each other and discover how to be sensual with each other without having to go the whole way.

  Don’t be pressurised to have sex for fear that he will drop you. If that’s the only reason he’s with you, he’s not worth it.

  Don’t feel pressured to have sex because you’re the last virgin on the planet (or feel like you are). Different people are ready at different times and not everyone who says they’ve done it, actually has.

  Don’t give way to emotional blackmail if he says things like you’re too young, immature, innocent to have sex or that you won’t go with him because you’re frigid or a lesbian.

  And if you do decide to go ahead, here’s a quick word from TJ’s mum, Dr Watts.

  Note From Dr Watts

  I see a lot of teens in my surgery and can appreciate that one of the biggest decisions that you girls have to make is whether and when to have sex. By the time I see girls, more often than not, they’ve already made that decision and either want to talk about birth control or have left it too late, got pregnant or caught some type of STI (sexually transmitted infection).

  It’s amazing that in this ‘enlightened age’, when people are supposed to know about contraception, a high percentage of women still get pregnant unintentionally. Almost all of them say, ‘Well, I didn’t think it would happen to me,’ and some say, ‘I didn’t think I could get pregnant the first time’. Think again. If you decide to have sex and you don’t want to have a baby or catch an STI, then you must use protection. Some methods of contraception are ninety-nine percent effective at preventing pregnancy, but effectiveness varies depending on which method you use. None of the methods are totally guaranteed, and only one protects against STIs - condoms. In fact, the only one hundred-percent effective method is abstinence, i.e. no sexual contact, as then there is no opportunity for sperm to fertilise an egg, and no means of passing on infection.

  Remember, only you can make the decision as to whether or not you really want to have sex. It may seem like everyone’s doing it - at school, on the TV, at parties - and you may feel like you have to do it as well just to feel accepted. However, don’t let pressure from friends, either boys or girls, push you into it before you feel the time is right. You can still have a relationship with someone without having to have sex. The decision is a personal choice and if someone cares about you, they will respect whatever choice you make.

  If you do decide to go ahead, it is essential to use protection. You can get all the information on the methods of contraception available - free of charge and anonymously - by dropping into your local Family Planning Clinic and picking up a leaflet.

  A small girl went to her mother to ask why her stomach was so swollen.

  ‘It’s because Daddy has given me a baby,’ she said.

  The little girl looked distressed and went running to her father in the next room. ‘Daddy, you know that baby you gave Mummy?’

  ‘Yes, dear,’ he said.

  ‘She’s eaten it,’ the girl cried.

  When Relationships Go Wrong

  Tell-Tale Signs a Relationship Is Over

  He stops calling you.

  He stops turning up to see you!

  It feels flat when you kiss.

  You always argue about petty things.

  You decide you don’t want to be in a committed relationship and the relationship is getting too serious for you.

  Your boyfriend treats you thoughtlessly, is always late, puts you down in front of his friends, or pressures you to go further than you want to.

  You have little to say to each other any more.

  You’ve met someone else.

  He’s met someone else (or several someone elses).

  Cut the Connection

  by Izzie Foster

  You think you’re going out tonight, but you’ll be staying in

  You’ll sigh, you’ll cry, you’ll wonder why the phone will never ring

  You know he’s playing games like every other boy,

  But you don’t care, though you’re aware he treats you like a toy

  He says he’ll be there for you when all the chips are down

  But he’s said the same to every girl in town

  He doesn’t care you’re in despair as tears burn in your eyes

  You’ll sigh, you’ll cry, you’ll wonder why all he says is lies

  Cut the connection, turn off the phone, grab hold of life and you won’t be alone

  Believe in yourself and no one else and you’ll find that you have grown.

  So cut the
connection, turn off phone, grab hold of life and you won’t be alone

  How to Tell Him it’s Over

  If you do want to end your relationship, the best way to tell him is in person as soon as possible as it’s not fair to keep someone hanging on or not knowing where they stand. It’s never easy telling someone it’s over, but the sooner it’s dealt with, the better.

  Do:

  Be clear and direct about it. Saying vague things like, ‘Oh, I can’t make it this week, I’m busy,’ simply means to him that you’re not free this week, but probably will be next week.

  Give him a reason - any of the previous from the tell tale signs it’s over: e.g. We always argue, We have nothing to say to each other, I’m not ready for a serious relationship, etc.

  Don’t:

  Do it by text message, e-mail, phone or letter.

  Get a friend to do it for you.

  Just stand him up - you’d hate it if that happened to you.

  And Lal insisted that we included these lines that he found on the Internet to say goodbye as he thought they were hilariously funny. All we can say is that these are lines that you should definitely not to use to break up with someone.

  Kind, intelligent, loving and hot - this describes everything you’re not.

  I love your smile, your face, and your eyes - wahey, I’m good at telling lies!

  I see your face when I am dreaming - that’s why I always wake up screaming.