Out of Exile

by Carla Cassidy

  “I promise,” Lilly replied, then with a final hug for the woman who was like a mother, Lilly headed for the main house.

  It would take her only a half an hour or so to pack, then she could be on the road before eight…on the road back to the life she’d once believed so full but now realized was filled with emptiness, with loneliness.

  Matthew wasn’t in the house when she walked in. She knew he was gone by the absence of energy, the utter silence of the place.

  She went up to her bedroom and began the task of packing. With every blouse she packed, with every pair of shorts she placed in the suitcase, a piece of her heart chipped off in despair.

  When she was finished packing everything, she closed and locked the suitcase, then walked over to the window and stared out.

  The stables she had once enjoyed looking at were now in shambles, half the building charred and burned. Like her heart. Burned by love, charred by sorrow. And she had a feeling the stables would be rebuilt long before her heart would be repaired.

  She could have been happy here. She loved the ranch life, would have pitched in and done whatever needed to be done to assure the success of the ranch. But it wasn’t destined to be.

  With a deep sigh she turned away from the window and grabbed the suitcase from the bed. It was time to say goodbye, goodbye to the ranch she had come to love and to the man who would always possess more than a little bit of her heart.

  She’d just reached the foyer when she met Matthew as he was coming in. His gaze swept down to the suitcase she held in her hand, then back up to her face.

  “What are you doing?” he asked.

  She had hoped to leave without having to see him one last time. It would have been so much easier to sneak away like a thief in the night, taking with her the last of her dignity and the few pieces of her heart that hadn’t shattered.

  “I’m heading back home.” She stepped past him and out onto the front porch, aware of his expression of surprise at her words.

  “Do you think that’s wise?” he asked, following close at her heels. “I mean, you had quite a trauma last night. Maybe you should just hang out here and rest for a couple of days.”

  “That isn’t necessary. I’m fine,” she said, not looking at him. “I just need to get back home.” She stepped off the porch and headed toward her car.

  “Lilly, wait!” He ran after her, and she stopped by the side of her car and once again turned to face him. Why did he have to look so handsome, so wonderfully vital this morning?

  Her fingers ached to touch his handsome face, her lips numbed with the need to kiss him, and instead of doing either she merely grasped her suitcase more firmly.

  “What about the party tonight?” His gaze held hers intently. “Surely you want to stay for the festivities.” He smiled, but the gesture looked forced and unnatural on his lips.

  Even though she desperately wanted to return the smile, hide the hurt deep within her heart, she couldn’t summon anything like a smile to her mouth. “It’s time for me to go. Besides, I’m not much in the partying mood.” She opened the trunk of her car and placed the suitcase inside.

  “Lilly, wait. Please. I need to talk to you.” He swept a hand through his hair, his eyes beseeching her.

  She stood hesitantly just outside the driver door. “What?” she asked with a touch of impatience. Every moment spent here was agony. Smelling his dear familiar scent, seeing his beloved face and knowing he would never, ever belong to her was sheer torment.

  “I…I just wanted to thank you,” he said.

  The sweet beauty of his eyes would haunt her for years to come, she thought. Those smoke-gray depths that at the moment were soft and tender. “Thank me for what?”

  A small smile curved one corner of his lips. “For picking and prodding at me and making me look deep inside myself.” He took a step closer to her, and she leaned back against the car as her knees weakened.

  “What are you talking about?” she asked. She wanted to tell him to get away, to stop looking at her so intently.

  “Last night, for the first time ever, my brothers and my sister and I talked…really talked about our experience with my father. You were right. There was a lot of anger built up inside me, but last night I realized that I wasn’t angry at anyone but myself.”

  He reached up a hand, as if to touch her hair, but then dropped his hand back to his side. “Something broke inside me, Lilly, and with the release of that poison came a love for my family and a peace I’d never felt before.”

  “I’m glad for you, Matthew,” she said, speaking around the emotion that clamped tightly in her chest, threatened to spill from her eyes in the form of tears. She was glad for him, glad that he had managed to begin healing with his sister and brothers.

  “Well, I need to get on the road.” She fumbled in the bottom of her purse for her keys, fighting the flood of tears that begged to be released.

  “It wouldn’t have worked, Lilly,” he said softly.

  She looked up at him, surprised by his words. “Why not?” she asked, not even pretending not to know what he was talking about. If he truly didn’t love her, he’d have to tell her now.

  He averted his gaze from her as if finding it painful to look at her and speak the words he intended to say. She steeled herself for the pain to come.

  “It wouldn’t work because I have chosen to live my life alone.” There was a deep, dark torment in his eyes, a torment Lilly desperately wanted to understand.

  “Why? Tell me, Matthew. Make me understand.”

  He gazed at her, and in the depths of his gaze she saw something shining and bright, something that looked like love. A surge of hope filled her, but then dark shutters fell, obscuring the emotion she’d believed she’d seen there and dousing the momentary hope inside her.

  “I can’t explain it,” he said, his voice deeper than usual. “All I can tell you is that I never plan to take a wife, never plan to live with any woman.”

  “Now tell me that you don’t love me.” Tears blurred her vision as she looked at him.

  He jammed his hands in his pockets and once again averted his gaze from her. “It doesn’t matter, does it? I’ve made my decision and that’s that.”

  She drew a tremulous breath, any and all hope dashed. “Yes, then I guess that’s that,” she agreed softly. She opened her car door, a cold wind of desolation blowing through her. She slid behind the steering wheel and put her keys in the ignition.

  He hadn’t told her that it wouldn’t work between them because he didn’t love her. And there had been a moment as they’d stood looking at each other that she’d seen love in his eyes, felt love radiating from him. But it didn’t matter now. Even if she wasn’t mistaken and that’s what he felt for her, he had no intention of following through on his emotions.

  He stepped back from the car as she started the engine, her eyes filling with tears. I will not look at him again, she told herself. I will not look again at the man who held my heart but threw it away.

  A sense of sheer panic suffused Matthew as he realized she was about to pull away. He knew she was crying, had seen the tears that had begun the moment she’d started her car. Her tears ached inside him, as did his love for her.

  She’d wanted an explanation of why he couldn’t allow that love to be the basis for a life together. And as he realized she was about to leave his life forever, he also realized she deserved to know the real reason he’d chosen a life alone.

  He’d held her in his arms, kissed her lips with promise, made love to her in passion. He’d laughed with her and shared pieces of himself that he’d never shared with another person. She’d been loving and supportive, and she deserved better than what he’d just given her.

  These thoughts whirled in his head in the space of a minute and suddenly he knew he had to stop her, tell her the secret he’d never told another soul. “Lilly,” he whispered and reached into her open window and pulled the keys from the ignition.

  “What are you
doing?” she cried in obvious frustration. “Why did you stop me, Matthew? Just let me go,” she said with a touch of anger.

  He drew a final deep breath, then raised his head and looked at her. His heart constricted as he saw the trace of her tears, tears he had put on her face, in her heart.

  He opened her car door and held out a hand to her. “I need to tell you something. I owe you an explanation.”

  “You don’t owe me anything,” she retorted with a touch of weary impatience.

  “Please, Lilly. Step outside and let me talk to you before you leave.”

  For an agonizingly long moment he thought she was going to deny him. Then she slid her slender hand into his and allowed him to pull her from behind the wheel.

  Instantly she released his hand, closed the car door, then leaned against it, her arms crossed over her chest in a gesture of defensiveness.

  Oh, how he wanted to draw her against him, stroke the shining darkness of her hair, kiss the lips that trembled with emotion. But he knew to do so would only make things more difficult for both of them.

  “He beat her, Lilly.” The words spilled out of him.

  She frowned. “What are you talking about?”

  Sorrow and pain welled up inside him. “My father. He beat my mother.” He kicked at the ground and tried to swallow against all the emotions that rose up within him. “I don’t think any of my brothers or sister remember that. They were too young. But I remember. I remember her pretty face all swollen and bruised. I remember her lip smashed and bleeding, her eyes black-and-blue.”

  Lilly’s arms unfolded and she took a step toward him, but he stepped back, not wanting her to touch him, knowing that if she did, he’d crumble.

  “I can’t take that chance, Lilly. I love you too much, and I’m afraid I’m too much like him.” This was his deepest, darkest fear, a fear he’d never spoken aloud, a fear he’d only examined in the darkest hours of the night. “And if I ever hurt you, I would die.”

  “Oh, Matthew.” She had that soft, sweet look in her eyes that made him want, that made him wish for things he knew he could never have. “What on earth makes you think that you’re anything like your father?”

  She reached out and grabbed one of his hands, and her touch was agony for him. He attempted to pull his hand away, but she held tight. “When was the last time you hurt somebody defenseless, somebody helpless?” she asked. “When was the last time you allowed your anger to rage completely out of control so you harmed another person?”

  “Last night,” he replied, and managed to pull his hand from hers. He frowned as he remembered that red curtain of rage that had descended upon him as he’d hit Ned Sayville. “I…I lost control and gave in to my anger, just like my father used to do.”

  “No,” she protested vehemently, her eyes glittering brightly. “As far as I’m concerned, last night you regained your control far too soon.” She touched the bruise on her chin. “I would have been perfectly satisfied had you hit Ned another dozen times. Your anger was justified last night, Matthew, and that has nothing to do with you being like your father.”

  She stepped closer to him, so close he could feel her breath on his face, so close he felt a stir of desire well up inside him. She reached out and placed a hand on his cheek. He fought the impulse to close his eyes and lean into her warm touch.

  “You are not like your father, Matthew. I couldn’t love a man like him. And I love you so much it hurts inside me.”

  Her words sent a deep torment through him, yet still he refused to consider anything else but letting her go. She leaned into him, her eyes shining bright, her body warm against his.

  “Matthew, what your father did to your mother, what he did to you children, that had nothing to do with love. That was all about control and self-hatred. If you love me, if you really love me, then believe in that love…believe in yourself like I believe in you.”

  Her words wrapped around his heart and squeezed out the last bit of darkness, the last bit of cold despair. “Lilly.” He breathed her name just before he gave her a kiss that contained every ounce of love, of tenderness and sweet desire he felt for her. And in the kiss she returned to him he felt the same things flowing from her.

  When he broke the kiss, Lilly placed her hands on either side of his face, forcing him to look deep into the beautiful blue depths of her eyes. “You were right about me, Matthew. I have allowed my parents’ abandonment to keep me alone until now, but I’m willing to take a chance on you and on our love. And if you let me drive away from here, then your father is still controlling you from the grave.”

  “I won’t let you drive away from here,” he whispered fervently. He pulled her back against him, loving the familiar contours of her body molding into his. “Oh, Lilly. I’m tired of being alone and I love you so much I can’t imagine my life without you. But I’ve been so afraid, afraid that if I loved a woman, I’d hurt her like my father hurt my mother.”

  “You don’t have to be afraid of that, Matthew,” she said softly. “I know your heart, I know your soul, and you aren’t capable of that. It’s simply not in you.”

  He closed his eyes, reveling in her words and finding inside himself the knowledge that he was not like his father, would never become like his father. “Lilly, I love you so.”

  When he gazed at her again, tears were once more shimmering in her eyes, but he knew those tears were ones of happiness, of joy. “I have an idea,” he said, his heart filled with love so intense it poured sweet warmth through him.

  “And what’s your idea?” she asked.

  “That we attend the Halloween party tonight together. But I won’t go as a lone wolf. I’ll go as a groom, and you go as my bride. Marry me, Lilly. Marry me and be my wife, fill my days and nights with love.”

  “Yes, oh, yes, Matthew,” she replied, and again their lips met in a kiss filled with the promise of a lifetime together.

  When the kiss finally ended, she looked up at him, tears of happiness streaming down her cheeks. “You know what I think?”

  “What?” he asked, and took a thumb and gently swiped at the tears, vowing that he would never, ever make her cry again with pain or unhappiness.

  “I think fate brought us together as a reward for our miserable childhoods. I think our love and the life we’re going to share together is a gift in exchange for the pain of the past.”

  Matthew gazed into the sweet depths of her eyes and his heart swelled with the knowledge that she was right. She was his gift, one that he would treasure for all his days on earth and even into the hereafter. “I love you, Lilly,” he said as he once again gathered her into his arms.

  “Then take me inside,” she said softly. “Take me into my home.”

  “Home. Yes, with you there with me, it will finally be a home.” As their lips met once again, Matthew realized he was no longer a man alone or a lonely man.

  Rather he was the luckiest man in the world…because Lilly loved him.

  Epilogue

  “It’s official.” George Cahill looked up from the paperwork on his desk and grinned. “I am pleased to tell you all that you have met the terms of your father’s will, and the ranch is now deeded to each of the four Delaney heirs and their spouses.”

  Matthew hugged Lilly closer to his side, a sense of pride welling up inside him. They were all there in the room, the people who over the past several months had become a real, loving family.

  Luke stood next to Abby, his two stepchildren, Jessica and Jason, next to them. Jerrod and Johnna were arm in arm next to Luke and his family. Mark had an arm around a very pregnant April and his stepson, Brian, stood on the other side of him. Clara stood to one side, beaming happiness at each and every one of them.

  The love that filled the room between the family members wasn’t the only positive thing that had happened in the past months. The stables had been rebuilt, the old barn renovations had been completed, and the ranch was enjoying a new financial success that was astonishing.

 
However, the most astonishing thing of all was the changes that had taken place in Matthew himself. The anger that had always been such a part of him had magically vanished, as if it couldn’t sustain itself in the wake of the happiness, joy and love he’d found with Lilly.

  Each and every day he awakened with Lilly in his arms and a prayer of gratitude on his lips. And each and every night he fell asleep with the same woman and the same prayer in his heart.

  “Hot damn, we did it,” Johnna exclaimed, and grinned at them all.

  Suddenly they were all cheering and hugging one another. “Nobody could say it was easy,” Matthew said when they’d all quieted once again. “We’ve battled outside forces from the very beginning, but the biggest wars were fought in the memories of our past and we’ve managed to win them as well.”

  “Could I say something?” April asked hesitantly.

  “Of course, darling,” Mark replied.

  She smiled at Mark, a beatific smile. “You’re going to be a father,” she said, and touched her extended tummy.

  “I know, sweetheart,” he said, then grinned at his brothers.

  “No, Mark. I mean right now,” she said, and laughed with a touch of embarrassment. “I didn’t want to spoil things, but I’ve been having contractions and they’re now about two minutes apart.”

  A look of sheer panic crossed Mark’s features and he looked at first Matthew, then Luke. “We’ve got to go,” he said.

  “Well, of course we do,” Lilly said with a laugh. She walked over to April and gave her a quick hug. “We’ll follow you and Mark to the hospital.”

  April nodded. “We’d better hurry,” she exclaimed.

  Within minutes they were all in line, a caravan of family heading for the hospital. Matthew and Lilly took Brian with them, knowing Mark and April would probably go directly into the emergency room.

  As Lilly, Brian and Matthew got out of his pickup, Lilly motioned toward Luke and Abby and their children. “Brian, why don’t you run ahead with Uncle Luke and Aunt Abby. I need to speak with your uncle Matthew for a minute alone.”