Get Somebody New

by Lewis, Michael

  “Why haven’t you said anything?”

  “I didn’t want to take a chance on you crushing my little feelings.”

  “I would have let you down easy.”

  “Really? See I was right.”

  “I’m just kidding. I am Rachel Sanchez. What’s your name?”

  “Elias Richards and if you aren’t doing anything this weekend I really would like to take you out.” He said in one breath.

  “I am free this weekend. I accept. Here is my number.”

  “Great! I will call you later tonight.”

  “Okay, I’ll look forward to it.”

  He was very good looking at 6’3”, 220 pounds, with brown eyes, sandy brown hair, a killer smile, the body of a gladiator, and the prettiest buttery golden-brown complexion I’d ever seen. If I’d known then what I know now, I would have high tailed my ass into the nearest hills without looking back. He is the most neurotic, paranoid person I’ve ever seen and takes OCD to a whole new level. He insists that the canned good labels in our cupboard face forward at a 90-degree angle from the right. His bath water must be exactly 96 degrees and he actually uses a thermometer to check the damn temperature! His pants must all hang at exactly the same length, in order by color, and alphabetized by designer. Initially his generous charm distracted me from focusing on his mental issues.

  He soon became moody and soon the 2 and 3 A.M. ranting sessions began. In his last episode Elias awakened me and started his rant.

  “Rachel you need to change your diet. You haven’t been drinking enough water. You are gaining weight.”

  “Anthony Elias Richards! I know well and damn good you did not just wake me up in the middle of the night just to tell me some bullshit like that! I am going back to sleep.”

  “My wife can’t be fat and sloppy. I want you to sign this contract. I’ve made your diet for the next month. You are to adhere to this strictly and do not eat anything not listed here. Also, by signing, you agree not to gain more than 1 pound in any single month. I will check your weight to make sure.”

  The look on my face was priceless. I turned over and put the covers over my head trying to ignore him. He shook me continuously until I acknowledged him then continued his incessant babbling. When I took all I could take, I grabbed the “contract” he’d written, slapped him across his big dumb head with it, grabbed my pillow and all the bed covers, and went into the guest bedroom.

  I tried to go back to sleep but Elias repeatedly called my name as loudly as he could. His voice began to get louder and louder. “Oh shit, he is coming in here” I thought. I ran to lock the door, but he had already reached it. He was standing in the doorway in his underwear. He had a blank expression on his face and a distant look in his eyes, but was crying like crazy. I had never seen anyone cry with their eyes wide open.

  “Rachel, I’m sorry. Don’t be mad at me, baby. I only want what’s best for us. Please come back to bed, I need you. I can’t sleep without you.”

  “Elias go to bed! I have to get up and go to work in the morning. It is 5:00 now and I have to get up in 2 hours.”

  “Please Rachel, please come back to bed.

  “Okay, Elias. Go to the room. I’ll be there in a minute.”

  “Okay.”

  When he walked away, I eased the door closed, locked it, and went to sleep. It seemed like I’d only been sleep for 10 minutes before the alarm woke me up flashing 7:00 A.M. When I opened the door Elias was sitting in the carpeted hallway, crying. He looked up at me and shook his head.

  “What’s wrong with me?”

  “Elias you need professional help. I’ll go with you to see someone. You don’t have to do it alone.” I said as I dressed for work.

  “If you would just do what I tell you to, everything would be fine.”

  “You don’t tell me to do a damn thing. I am not your child!”

  “Who do you think you’re talking to? You will do what I tell you to do.”

  I refused to respond to his last statement. Instead, I turned to walk away from him. He grabbed me from behind and placed me in a headlock.

  “Elias you’d let me go if you know what’s good for you.”

  “Or what, Huh?” he asked before slapping the top of my head twice while increasing his grip around my neck.

  “Or this!” I said, giving him an elbow to the ribs. It stunned him enough to make him release me then I grabbed his arm and knelt down quickly, and flipped his 6’3” frame over me, landing him flat on his back.

  He was dazed but his anger was apparent. I grabbed my keys and stormed out of the house to my car. He ran out after me then realized he was only wearing his underwear and went back inside. The tires on my Nissan 350z screeched as I floored the accelerator. When I pulled into the parking lot at work I saw my coworker Zeke pulling in also. I parked next to him so we could walk into the building together. We were both editors at Avalon Publishing.

  “Hey Rae! I see you’re dragging in today too huh?” He greeted.

  “Hey Zeke! I had some night!”

  “Wow baby, you look like it. Did you even get any sleep?”

  “About 2 hours.”

  “Elias had you up all night again with another one of his rants huh?”

  “You already know it.”

  “Lord what was it this time?”

  “He woke me up to tell me I was gaining weight and he drew up a contract and a diet. He told me I wasn’t to eat anything not listed and to gain no more than 1 pound a month.”

  “What? He’s a neurotic asshole! You and Alton take nice to ridiculous. I told you what to do. Slip him a sleeping pill. Let him get into a deep sleep then tie his ass up in the bed sheets. Get yourself something that won’t break like a good piece of industrial rubber and beat the hell out of him. Wear him out, I’m talking whip his ass to shitty shreds! You hear me?”

  “I’ve been praying on it and leaving it to God.”

  “You better bash Mister’s head in and think about heaven later!”

  “Okay Sophia. I really don’t feel like going to work today.”

  “Nobody has seen us. Let’s just leave. We deserve a break today!” He suggested.

  “What the hell? Let’s go.” I said.

  “Let’s get drunk on margaritas and tequila.”

  “Ok Zeke, sounds like a plan.”

  Two

  Alton Allen

  After Nadiah hit me in the head with the glass, I stayed at Zeke’s over a week. The first of the month was only days away. That was the day the funds for Nadiah’s monthly allowance (that I placed her on) were electronically transferred from my account into hers. I decided to stop the transfer, so I knew I’d be hearing from her when she saw the money wasn’t there.

  I placed Nadiah on an allowance because I vowed never again to let her manage our household finances. We tried that and it was a disaster. When I knew anything, pink notices for all the utility bills were rolling in and late fees began to appear on my credit card statements. Yet, she always came home with a new dress, piece of jewelry, or expensive gadget. The last straw was when I tried to use my cell phone and it had been turned off. Without saying a word, I paid the bills up, opened new bank accounts, and took control of the finances.

  Zeke and his coworker decided to play hooky from work and came back to his house.

  “Hey Alton, this is my coworker Rachel. Rachel this is my cousin Alton.” Zeke said.

  “Hi, so you’re the famous Alton, huh? Zeke has told me a lot about you. It’s nice to finally meet you.”

  “Uh, same here, so what are y’all about to get into Zeke?”

  “We’re gonna get good and drunk. Then we’ll take it from there.”

  “I’ll get out of your way then.”

  “Join us. All of us are in the same boat. We are all dealing with good-for-nothing, chicken shit S.O.’s, Nadiah, Elias, and Jamal. I say we get liquored up, call the no good bastards, and tell them to pucker up and run their lips past our asses!” Zeke responded.

&
nbsp; We started out with tequila shots and before I knew it, I had already downed 3. We talked about our horrible relationships until we got tired. Zeke got a call and went into the bedroom, leaving Rachel and me in the living room alone.

  “Why do people treat you like shit when you try so damn hard to please them?” I asked.

  “Alton if I had the answer to that one, I could make billions selling the solution.”

  “You seem like an amazing woman. You’re fine, smart, and funny. For what it’s worth, any man lucky enough to have you is stupid to take it for granted and not see how blessed and highly favored he is.”

  “Wow, thanks Alton. Umm, I am speechless after receiving a compliment like that.”

  “I’ve been sitting here looking at you, thinking how could a man not see what a gift you are?”

  “Well Alton, I’ve been wondering the same thing about you. It is refreshing to meet a man like you. I didn’t think your kind still existed.”

  “My kind?”

  “Yes, an old fashioned man who still practices chivalry, and more importantly, actually mentions God in a conversation. For the record, I think you are um, what’s the word I’m looking for… fine!”

  “Aww thanks.” I blushed.

  “That was my friend Jazz. I told him that we were chilling over here so he is on his way. You two can meet him and tell me what you think.” Zeke said as he entered the room.

  “Uh oh, I know that glow. You’re digging dude hard aren’t you?” I asked.

  “Well, he is nice and fine as hell, but I think he is straight. I can’t tell one way or the other about him. He is really protective of me though. If somebody even looks at me the wrong way, he will be all over them with a quickness. I don’t quite know how to take that. Sometime it makes me feel like he pities me and needs to protect me from something. Then sometimes it just seems like he is just fiercely loyal and protective of anyone is his circle. He is a good friend and I am happy with that.”

  “We’ll see what’s up when he gets here.” Rachel said.

  “Okay y’all be good now.” Zeke joked.

  We continued shooting the breeze and decided to move from tequila shots to margaritas. Jazz arrived about 10 minutes after Zeke talked to him. Rachel suggested a game of Charades. None of us could have imagined the wrecking ball of drama that would come barreling through the rest of the evening.

  When Jazz walked in, Rachel and I looked at each other. Jazz looked like anybody’s typical street thug. Something looked familiar about Jazz but I couldn’t place it. Judging from his hard posturing, he probably wouldn’t take too kindly to anyone thinking that he was even remotely gay.

  After a few shots, Jazz loosened up. It was Rachel’s turn up to the board. As she began to act out the clues, she looked at me and winked. I knew she was about to do something. The category was movies. I immediately knew what the movie was when I put it together with the wink. I let Zeke guess at it until he got it.

  “Brokeback Mountain!” he shouted.

  “That’s it.” Rachel said.

  That was the opportunity to open up the sexuality dialogue and Rachel seized the moment.

  “Did y’all see it? It was a good movie I thought.” She said.

  “Yeah, it was cool. I think it’s a sign that America is becoming more tolerant if a movie like that can win an Oscar. I think tolerance is a good thing. Jazz what do you think?” I said.

  “Ah well um, I haven’t seen it. I ain’t too hot on seeing no two dudes getting busy.”

  “That was only a small part of what it was about.” Zeke remarked.

  “I understand what you’re saying Zeke, but just knowing that it has that homosexual element turns a lot of people off.” Jazz explained.

  “Why do people seem to be scared of gay people, as if they think it’s contagious or something.” Zeke responded.

  “Fags, uh, I mean gay dudes be checking me out all the time. They know better than to approach me with that shit though.” Jazz said.

  Rachel, Zeke, and I all looked at each other with a look that said, “Well, that question has been answered.”

  Nadiah

  After I fought with Alton on Valentine’s Day, he left home. I knew he was at his cousin Zeke’s house, so after a week I decided to go over there and drag his ass back home if I had to. I made up my face and put on my most flattering wine-colored dress with a long peek-a-boo slit up the side to show off my long and shapely legs. I also threw on my wine colored 3-inch, stiletto, “do me” heels. As I checked my long, brown mane in the mirror, I put the finishing touches on my lipstick, then blew a kiss to myself and proceeded out the door to go get my husband.

  When I arrived at Zeke’s, just as I suspected, Alton’s black Lincoln Navigator was parked in the driveway along with Zeke’s pearl white Cadillac STS, a bright red Nissan 350Z, and a candy red Cadillac Escalade, neither of which were familiar. I stepped out of the car and walked seductively toward the house like a true vixen going to claim her man.

  I knocked on the door and waited. Seconds later Alton opened the door with a surprised look on his face.

  “Nadiah what are you doing here?”

  “I came to take you home Alton.”

  “I am not your child and you are not taking me anywhere.”

  “Alton I didn’t come to fight with you.”

  “Come in, we have to get some things straight before I agree to come home.”

  “Okay.”

  When I walked inside my eyes automatically zoomed in on a woman sitting on the sofa. She was the typical light-skinned, light-eyed, long-haired bitch I’d seen many times before. Alton bounced his happy ass over and took a seat next to her and started grinning like a Cheshire cat.

  “Rachel, this is my wife, Nadiah. Nadiah this is Rachel, she works with Zeke.”

  “Nice to meet you.” I lied as I extended my hand.

  She gave Alton a funny look as she shook my hand and that set me off.

  “What the hell was that for?” I fumed.

  “What was what for?" He asked.

  “I saw the way this bitch looked at you. What the fuck is going on here Alton? Is she the reason you haven’t been home in a week? Huh? Is she?”

  “I just met her a few hours ago. I haven’t been home in a week because of the way you are acting right now Nadiah!”

  “It’s a good thing I came when I did.”

  “You really have the wrong idea. I am a married woman.” Rachel said as she flashed her large 7 carat diamond wedding ring.

  “Did I give you permission to speak bitch? You looked at my husband like a pit bull looking at a meat truck.”

  “You ain’t gonna call me too many more bitches, I know that!”

  “What? When I pull your chain, you bark and not a second before. Do something bitch, since you so bad.”

  “Nadiah you need to leave!” Alton shouted.

  “You need to shut the fuck up!” I snapped back.

  “What is going on? Oh Nadiah. I thought I detected the aroma of venom.” Zeke remarked as he entered the room.

  “I know you don’t like me Zeke. Is that why you are having Alton meet women here now to try to break us up, huh?”

  “I am not running a whorehouse. You are just paranoid because you know you don’t treat Alton right. If he does leave you I shall gleefully tap dance for a month.”

  “Nadiah you need to leave.” Alton demanded.

  “I’ll leave when you come with me.”

  “I am not going with you.”

  “So you’re choosing this bitch over me?”

  All of a sudden that bitch lunged at me like Wonder Woman. Miss Light Bright caught me off guard with a palm to my face. Her hand connected with a resounding pop. Alton jumped in between us before I could hit her back, so I did the next best thing, I hit him. He pushed me toward the door as I hit him in his head and back. Once outside, Alton glared at me, then said,

  “Nadiah acting like a crazy woman won’t make me do anything! You are suc
h an embarrassment!”

  “Shut up Alton! The only reason you want to act like you have any balls at all is to impress you little girlfriend in there.”

  “For the last time, there is nothing going on between me and her. Also, I’ve allowed you to physically attack me for years and never did anything, but it stops today. This is the last day you will put your hands on me and I mean that!”

  “Oh is that so? Well let’s see.” I said as I swung at him with my open hand.

  He caught my wrist before it connected with his face.

  “You are hurting my wrist.”

  “I’m gonna hurt your ass too if you don’t get in there and apologize to Rachel for insulting her.”

  “Have you lost your mind? I’m not apologizing to that bitch!”

  “You don’t have a choice.”

  “If you don’t let me go, I’ll have your ass arrested.”

  Alton increased his grip on my wrist and pushed me against the side of the house. He brought his face so close to mine that I felt his mustache brush against my face.

  “Shut up.” He whispered in my ear.

  “Alton let me go!”

  “I said shut the hell up! You are going to go in there, apologize, and then take your ass home. Do I make myself clear? Do I?” He asked as he increased his grip and pressed me against the warm brick wall.

  “Yes.”

  “Rachel I apologize for calling you out of your name. I uh.. ummm I… I’m uh … I’m so.. sor… I’m sorry!”

  “Apology accepted.”

  “Now go home Nadiah. We’ll talk later.” Alton said.

  I walked to my car with my shoes in my hand and confusion in my brain. On one hand, I felt oddly excited. On the other hand I felt mad as hell that he chose to assert himself to defend the honor of another woman against me. Thirty minutes later I found myself at Ingrid’s apartment.

  “I went to talk to Alton and he just went off on me for no reason.” I explained to her.

  “He went off on you? What did he do?”

  “Well when I saw this woman there I politely asked her if she was seeing my husband. Alton just grabbed me and shoved me outside. He twisted my wrist, slammed me up against a brick wall, and forced me to apologize to her.”