“Fuck you Alton Allen! I’m gonna make a believer out of you!”
“Yeah, I love you too Nadiah.”
I went home defeated but determined. If he was going to leave me, it would cost him dearly, maybe even his life! I tossed and turned all night thinking about what to do. I waited another two months then decided to ask Alton one more time to come home.
“Hello, Alton how are you?”
“I am fine. How are you?”
“I’m good. Haven’t you punished me enough?”
“Nadiah I didn’t leave to punish you. I want to have a family more than anything and I want that family with you. I don’t deserve to be treated the way you treat me.”
“Alton, I think you are trying to find a way to tell me you aren’t coming back.”
“If I wasn’t coming back I would file for divorce. I need time away from you to get my head together.”
“Alton, I refuse to accept anything else other than you coming home. I am not playing this out any longer.”
“Nadiah you are not calling the shots. You can’t make the decision for me and you won’t manipulate me.”
“That bitch must still be there. You think I don’t know what’s going on. I’m not stupid Alton.”
“Nadiah, she is not a bitch, she isn’t here, and she has nothing to do with us. She is married and I am not seeing her, can you get that through your head?”
“Alton, I don’t believe……….Uh-OH…. ALTON!”
“What? What is it?”
“Alton my water just broke!”
“Okay, baby I’m on my way!”
In a matter of hours, my daughter Paige was here. She came into the world looking like a virtual clone of Alton, from his haunting light brown eyes, down to the irregular shaped birthmark on her right calf. Alton has the same birthmark but his is on his left calf. I worried about my ability as a mother because my maternal instincts didn’t kick in. When I held her, she squirmed and cried. As soon as Alton took her she stopped crying and went to sleep. That didn’t make me feel any better.
After eight weeks, Paige still wouldn’t bond with me. Since Alton seemed to have better luck, I let him get up in the middle of the night to feed her and change her. He was happy to do it anyway, so I let him. I hated to admit it but I was jealous of the way he was able to handle her and I couldn’t even get her to stop crying. Seeing the two of them together, looking so much alike made me sick.
Since I had been playing mother I hadn’t been able to go anywhere and I was due for a break. I called Alton’s mother and asked her if she would keep Paige for the day while I went shopping and ran some errands. She was only too happy to keep her first-born grandchild.
After I dropped her off, I called Ingrid and told her I’d pick her up for lunch. I hadn’t seen Ingrid in about 2 months because Alton had been watching my every move since he’d come back home. I couldn’t take a deep breath without him scrutinizing my actions. I needed a break from the prison he’d created.
Ingrid and I went to PF Chang’s at Cumberland Mall for lunch and then did some shopping. Afterwards, we came back to my house to relax for a minute. I knew Alton was going to be working late so there was no chance of him coming home while she was there.
“So what’s going on with you and Alton? He got you on lockdown?”
“Yeah he has been watching my every move. I don’t know how much more of it I can take.”
“Well divorce him. It doesn’t matter that you have a child. It only sweetens the pot. He makes plenty of money so you can get spousal support as well as child support and be taken care of well.”
“I’ve been thinking about it but I want to make sure I am doing the right thing. I have to really think this through.”
“I don’t know why you insist on living this lie. You know as well as I do that we should be together. I’ve been more than patient, but I don’t know how much longer you expect me to wait Nadiah. You’re going to have to make a choice soon, him or me.”
Ezekiel
Living with Jazz was pretty cool. We got along great and as long as I kept our relationship in perspective there was no problem. I couldn’t help but think of what it would be like to be with him though. It was the hardest on me when I caught glimpses of Jazz in his towel when he came out of the shower. It was especially hard when he’d walk around shirtless in his boxer briefs. Those boxer briefs were always strained to their limit trying to contain all that he has been blessed with.
After months of no contact, Jamal called me out of the blue. I tried not answering the phone but he continued to blow my phone up. I didn’t want him to show up unannounced, which he was known to do when we were dating. I would hate to be left trying to explain that to Jazz since he doesn’t even know I am gay.
For a while I couldn’t even stand to think about Jamal without thinking about how I saw him last, screwing the hell out of my best friend! I didn’t care to see him and he didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of getting back with me. He committed the ultimate betrayal and I can never forget that. I didn’t want to give him any type of encouragement by calling him back. As sure as a hog loves slop he called again
“Hello?”
“Hey um Zeke, this is um…”
“I know who it is, what do you want Jamal?”
“I really want to talk to you.”
“Talk.”
“Well not on the phone. Can I come over?”
“Not an option.”
“Okay, can we meet somewhere?”
“I will be on campus all day tomorrow. You can meet me in the student center at 1:00 P.M.”
“Okay I’ll be there. Thanks Zeke.”
“Mmm Hmm.”
I can’t say that I was looking forward to seeing Jamal, but I was curious to know what he wanted to talk about. It had been almost a year and he hadn’t called me. “What was so important that he finally decided to call me?” I wondered.
Jazz had been going to a series of music production seminars I’d found out about through an industry contact of mine. They were being held for a whole week every evening from 6 to 10. They were full of valuable information about startup music production so I encouraged him to go.
“Zeke I’m so glad you convinced me to go to these seminars. I am learning all kinds of stuff about the music business. Good looking out.”
“I want you to do the best you can. Then when you get to be a famous producer I can say I know you.”
“Oh so I ain’t good enough for you to say you know me now?”
“I don’t mean it like that.”
“I know. I’m just messing with you. Can you tighten up my fade tonight?’
“Yeah I can. I’ll go get my clippers and set up.”
“Cool because I’m overdue for a cut.”
Jazz said often that he liked how my hair was cut. He was surprised to find out that I cut my own. After I cut his hair for the first time he refused to let anyone else cut it again. This time around I convinced him to go with a Caesar cut. When I finished, I gave him the mirror and he just stared in silence for a minute.
“Man, it looks good. I guess I was just used to my regular bald fade, low on the top and scared to try something new.”
“I told you it would look good.”
I removed the protective cape and slowly brushed off the small incidental pieces of hair that had fallen on him. My limits were tested as I brushed across his broad, bare shoulders. I worked all around him, brushing his back then ending at his chest. I took my time on his chest, longer than I needed because I enjoyed the view. Jazz sat patiently with his eyes closed as I brushed him off. I don’t know if it was imagination or wishful thinking but he always seemed to enjoy the second part of his haircut the best.
I laid him back and placed a warm towel on his face to prepare him for his shave. Jazz looked so delicious. He was shirtless and wearing a pair of blue nylon basketball shorts. Only black, ankle-length socks adorned his size 14 feet.
I applied
warm shaving lather to his face and neck. My confidence with the razor put him at ease. I loved the power I had at that moment and the trust required for him to lie there. I also enjoyed being able to pamper Jazz while also making him look good. I shaved him with the straight razor, making slow deliberate strokes.
“Yo, Zeke, what kind of cologne you got on? It smells good man.”
“That’s the soap I used to wash my hands.”
“Oh it smells good. I want some of that.”
“I use it before shaves. You don’t want your hands all in someone’s face smelling like Fritos, hot sausage, and motor oil.”
“Come on man don’t make me laugh while you got that razor and shit.”
“Okay. Put your head back, I need to get around your Adam’s apple and I’ll be done.”
After the shave, I gave Jazz a facial massage as I applied a moisturizer. As I massaged, I caught the sight of definite movement in the front of his shorts. I thought it was just the fabric of his shorts at first. Jazz confirmed it was definitely not the fabric when he reached down and gave himself a firm squeeze. I could clearly see the outline of his long, thick, rigid penis through the satin-like material of his basketball shorts. Luckily he couldn’t see me sweating like a runaway slave. I finished his facial massage and started massaging his neck and shoulders. As I finished up, I saw a piece of hair on his chest and reached down to get it. I brought my hand up across the right side of his chest. The tip of my finger lightly brushed against his right nipple. The bulge in Jazz’s shorts jumped hard and he grabbed my hand, brought it up to his face, and inhaled deeply while squeezing his dick with his left hand.
“Mmmmm!” he said, as he brought my hand to his nose and inhaled the scent.
“Okay Jazz you’re all done.”
“Already?”
“Yeah.”
“That massage felt good…. I guess I’ll go take a shower now.”
I cleaned up in a hurry and retreated to my room to take a cold shower. The shower didn’t help. I tried to go to bed, but my mind was flooded with images of Jazz. Finally, after manually attending to my immediate needs, I was able to go to sleep as I fantasized about Jazz making love to me.
The next day I met Jamal after class in the student center at school as planned. Time had certainly been good to him. I’m very sure my self-induced sexual deprivation played a part in making Jamal look better than he really did.
“Hello, Jamal. You look well.”
“Nah Zeke. I’m not doing so good.”
“What’s wrong?”
“We aren’t together and I am sick about it. I know I fucked up bad. My conscience has been kicking my ass because I didn’t apologize to you. I’m sorry, Zeke. I never ever meant to hurt you.”
“I appreciate that. Is that what you wanted to tell me?”
“Well it’s not all. I know it’s not easy to just take me back. Can we at least hang out to see if we can recapture what we had?”
“That’s a bad idea. I’ve moved on.”
“Are you with someone?”
“No.”
“We owe it to ourselves to see if what we had is really gone. Please Zeke, I feel like I owe it to you, to myself, not to give up without a fight.”
“Come over to my house about 7 P.M. and we can talk some more.”
“Okay, I’ll be there Zeke.”
I made no promises but to talk. I couldn’t keep men at bay fantasizing about Jazz all the time. I had relied on fantasy satisfaction for almost a year and needed some physical sexual relief. That wasn’t going to happen with me wishfully fantasizing about a straight man.
I figured once Jamal arrived and I knew his intentions then we would go from there. I also didn’t want Jazz finding out anything by surprise so I knew I needed to keep the conversation between Jamal and I generic.
“So you said you had a roommate Zeke, who?”
“It’s a friend of mine, Jazz.”
“Anything goin on betw…..”
“It’s nothing like that. He is straight. He also doesn’t know about me. We have never discussed it and I haven’t given him any reason to suspect I am gay. I just don’t think it would be a good idea with his views.”
“You mean he is a homophobe?”
“Well he doesn’t make comments that suggests he is exactly accepting of homosexuality as an orientation.”
“How could you be friends with someone like that? That is totally against everything you stand for.”
“Don’t think I haven’t gone over that in my mind. He is a really cool person. Our respective sexualities have nothing to do with our friendship. I am not his friend because he is straight nor is he mine because I am gay, or vice versa.”
“You’re hiding your sexuality from him. I’m sure he isn’t taking any steps to hide the fact that he is straight.”
“It’s not the same. People assume by default that you are straight. Especially if you don’t talk with a lisp, walk with a switch, or act like a big ole blowtorch flaming queen.”
“That’s just a stereotype that you and I know isn’t true. Neither one of us acts like that. No one can tell any difference between us and any other straight man. That’s actually one of the things that attracted me to you. You are not flamboyant.”
“Oh really, what else attracted you to me?”
“Do you really want me to tell you?”
“That’s why I asked.”
“Let’s go in the bedroom and I’ll show you.”
Five
Jazz Hardaway
I’m so glad I stopped that night to help Zeke. He was a good influence on me, after all. Because of him, I did something I never thought I’d do. I went back to school and got my diploma, not just a G.E.D. I’d never had anybody believe in me like he did, not even my own folks.
I was always afraid I’d turn out just like my dad. He tried to get out of the drug game over and over. He never stayed out long because it’s the only thing he knew how to do and he expected me to carry on in his footsteps. He figured by teaching me the game, it would be his security in his old age. Luckily, I never did any serious jail time as an adult. If I had stayed in the game it was bound to happen though.
After being at Zeke’s for a month or so, something started to concern me. I was getting vibes from Zeke like he was feeling me. What was fucking with me so much though was how I kept getting major wood when I was around him. It wasn’t just the random kind either. My shit would get rock hard and ready to attack something with a vengeance. Then I would get overwhelmed with a sexual tension that made me feel like I would go crazy if I didn’t get relief soon.
I always looked forward to him cutting my hair because he hooked my fade up tight and gave me the full treatment with the straight razor shave, facial massage, and all. A nigga felt like he’d been to a spa when Zeke got through. When he rubbed my neck and shoulders any tension I had just gone away. It was them damn massages that always did it. I couldn’t even lie, that shit felt so damn good! Feeling his body so close to mine got me going and he always smelled sooooo good. He left ya boy with a dick hard as Chinese Algebra!
One night I got an unexpected surprise and I didn’t handle that shit well at all! I came home from a gig and went to Zeke’s room to say “w’sup”, like I usually did. I was about to knock on his door when I heard moaning. I figured Zeke was in there getting busy with a chick or something. Then I heard him say “Jamal”, but I just figured I misheard him and went on to take a shower.
Later on, I was watching TV in the living room when I heard Zeke’s room door open. Zeke and someone else passed by the living room so fast I didn’t even see them. So I went to the front window and peeped out the curtain just in time to see some big, swole, diesel-looking dude grab Zeke, pull him close, and try to kiss him.
Zeke was pushing the guy away, but dude had his left arm around Zeke’s waist and his right hand holding the back of Zeke’s head pulling him forward. Zeke kept pushing him away so finally the dude stopped trying.
I was about to go out there cause I thought he was pushing himself on Zeke, but when I saw Zeke hug him I knew something else was up. I was shocked, confused, and angry, but I didn’t know why. When Zeke walked in, I was standing at the door. I don’t know why I said what I said, just my stupidity I guess, but I said,
“Faggot! You’re a fuckin' faggot! I can’t believe this shit!”
“What are you talking about?”
“Don’t play stupid, nigga. I saw you! That dude was trying to kiss you outside. No wonder you wanted me to live here. You probably wanted to get with me this whole time.”
“Okay, first of all, you know my name and it’s not faggot! Secondly, unless we’re fucking, my sexual orientation isn’t your business. Third, where the hell you get off talking to me like that?”
“Damn, I’ll bet all of your friends and Alton thinks I’m your boyfriend! You probably got everybody thinking I’m a fag like you!”
“Call me ‘fag’ again and you’re gonna get your lanky ass whipped! No one thinks anything’s going on between us because it isn’t. I don’t know why you are so worried about what other people think anyway if you know the truth.”
“Hold up, did you just say you’d whip my ass? Come on then whip my ass faggot! What’s wrong? You can’t handle the truth? You are a fucking faggot! I can’t stay here now. You won’t be sneaking in my room at night trying to molest me faggot!” I said interrupting him.
Zeke charged at me like a lightning bolt and caught me with a good right hook to my jaw. I’d provoked him, looking for a reason to start a fight. Zeke started kicking and punching me! It hurt like hell too. I raised my fist but I couldn’t bring myself to hit him.
I still had an overwhelming instinct to protect him and I wouldn’t have dared hit Zeke, I mean that’s my boy. To tell the truth, I wanted to hug him. I knew after the shit I’d said to him, I needed to leave and give him time to cool down, because he was hot as fish grease!
“You know calling me a fag would be like me calling you a dummy!”
“What the fuck did you just say to me?”
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