Harlot

by Tracie Podger

  The library was empty and I smiled at the librarian as I passed to the newspaper stand. I picked up a local and national then settled at a table. I flicked through the pages, becoming frustrated at the lack of news. Neither had reported on any developments on Philip’s murder. In one corner of the library was a bank of computers. It had been a while since I’d last used one, and the ancient machines we’d had in school bore no resemblance to the sleek silver machines that sat side by side on the counter.

  “Ma’am, I’d like to use one of the computers but it’s been a while. Do you think you could help me?” I asked the librarian. She had to be as old as Cecelia and Rose combined, so I hoped she’d know what to do.

  “Of course, you’ll need to pay. We make a charge by the hour,” she said.

  I wasn’t sure what I was paying for, air time or something, I guessed, but I handed over the required dollar for one hour and followed her.

  We sat side by side on stools at the bench. She showed me the on button, that I could figure out, and then how to access the Internet. I told her I was doing some research to find my birth mother, so we typed in a fictitious name. I thanked her in the hopes she’d then leave me to carry on.

  “If you need anything else, just give me a wave,” she said, finally leaving me alone.

  I deleted the name and retyped Philip Stanton. A list appeared, the first was a biography. I decided to take a look. Apparently, Philip had been the mayor of my old town for many years, most of it before I was old enough to know what, or who, a mayor was. It seemed he was loved by the townsfolk, hence the outpouring of grief I was beginning to witness in articles. I was pleased that he was so loved, but disheartened at the same time. The outpouring cemented my belief that if I were accused of his murder, I’d be destroyed.

  I scrolled through various articles until I came to one from the previous day. It confirmed what I already knew, that someone was helping with the investigation, but there was no mention of an actual arrest. It stated that a female’s shoe had been found under the bed, and the police were asking for the owner of that shoe to come forward for elimination purposes. I wasn’t dumb enough to know ‘elimination purposes’ meant questioning. It was as I was about to finish my research when a photograph caught my eye. I opened the article to see the back of a man being led into the police station. I couldn’t be sure, but wondered if Damien was the man ‘helping with the investigation.’ He certainly had the same long, straggly hair tied at the nape of his neck. I wasn’t sure whether to let out a sigh of relief or hold my breath in fear.

  Damien wasn’t the most intelligent, if he had killed Philip, he would have been likely to shoot his mouth off when he was either drunk or drugged. He often bragged about his criminal lifestyle. Most of it went over my head; I didn’t believe half of what he said. He was dumb enough to give my name to the police, though, even if that meant implicating himself in more crimes. I closed down the computer and just sat for a while. There was a small part of me that wanted to go to the police, explain what had happened, but I was scared. The idea of checking the motel was pushed to one side, whether Beau liked me or not, at least I wasn’t alone at the house.

  I was up and at the diner an hour earlier than my shift. Having not eaten much the previous day, I was ravenous. I ordered the burger and fries, a soda, and followed with a scoop of ice cream. I sat in peace; it was the lull that occurred after breakfast and before lunch. Saturday, so Rose told me, was a mixed day, a hit and miss depending on the weather. We could be steadily busy all day, or it could come in fits and starts. However, the early evening was always a rush.

  “You look tired, girl,” Kieran said, as he sat beside me in the booth.

  I had noticed dark circles start to frame my eyes. I wasn’t getting much sleep; there was just too much going through my mind. I gave him a smile.

  “You look like a young woman with the weight of the world on her shoulders,” he added.

  I opened my mouth to speak but it seemed the words didn’t want to come. I could open up to him, I could ask advice; he seemed like a worldly man. Instead I just smiled. He patted my hand as he finished up the cup of coffee he held and then rose.

  “Well, best get my groove on,” he said, giving me a wink. I laughed.

  “Groove? You haven’t had groove since the nineteen-sixties,” Rose said, taking his seat.

  I loved to listen to the banter they had going on and wondered if they were actually partners. No one had mentioned a relationship, but there seemed to be a vibe that went beyond friends.

  “Silly old man,” she grumbled, staring after him.

  “How old is he?” I asked.

  “Sixty-eight this year. Won't slow down, though. He was in the army for God knows how many years. Turned up here one day, oh, fifteen years ago, I guess, and has stayed. Well, in between jetting off wherever for the army.”

  “She was a fine woman back then. She fell instantly back in love with me,” Kieran shouted from the kitchen.

  Rose shook her head and laughed at his comment.

  “Are you two…?”

  “Companions, or friends, or whatever you youngsters call it,” she said.

  “That must be nice, to be close to someone,” I said.

  “You really are feeling a little lost, aren’t you?” she said, gently.

  I willed the tears not to well in my eyes. I nodded instead of speaking.

  “I’m…” I didn’t finish my sentence. I wanted to tell her I was in trouble, that I needed help. Instead, I closed my mouth and squeezed her hand.

  “Another time,” she said.

  Lunch time was a steady stream of people in for a quick bite to eat, or just to sit with a coffee. I tried to usher the coffee drinkers to the stools at the counter, leaving the booths free for those who wanted to eat. It seemed a waste to take up that space, to me. I had a half-hour break before my next shift and decided to sit in the kitchen, watching Kieran wiggle his ass to whatever song was playing while cooking steaks. He sang along to all the tunes, whether he knew the words or not. I would never have guessed at his age, he looked at least ten years younger.

  “Here you go, girl, have a taste of this,” he handed me a steak wrap.

  “Mmm, lovely,” I replied between mouthfuls.

  “That’s my secret sauce.”

  “What’s in it?” I asked, wiping my mouth with a napkin.

  “If I told you, it wouldn’t be a secret now, would it?”

  He laughed as he prepared more wraps. I looked at the clock and slid from the counter I’d been sitting on, then headed to the restroom. I washed my hands and splashed some cold water over my face. I gently slapped my cheeks, trying to bring some color to my skin. The image that stared back at me in the bathroom mirror had a haunted look about her. With the darker hair, my skin looked so pale. Maybe I needed to invest in some makeup.

  Early evening diners and people grabbing a bite to eat before heading to the town’s movie theater, started to arrive. There was a buzz that was different from the day. A large group of friends slid into two booths, chatting excitedly about their planned evening.

  “Where’s Kacy?” one asked, as I waited to take their order.

  “Can’t make her shift tonight,” I replied, smiling as I did.

  I recognized the girl from the library. “Shame, we like her,” she said, looking me up and down.

  I stood, still waiting to take their order, until a family came in. “How about I give you a little more time to decide which soda you want? I’ll be back in a minute.”

  How fucking hard was it to choose between three different sodas. I settled the family in the last remaining booth and smiled at the children as they recalled the movie they’d just seen. Their faces became animated as they played out the scenes. It took more than a minute for their mom to get them to decide on what they wanted to eat.

  Watching families together, having fun and laughing, hurt way more than the group of stuck up girls.

  I enjoyed the evening sh
ift; I liked the tips more. I could see my little jar filling up nicely and secretly wished Kacy, whoever she was, would stay off work. If I could get just another week of double shifts, I’d triple my savings. That thought spurred me on. I smiled, laughed, and was as helpful as I could be, knowing that soon enough I’d be on my way.

  It was almost ten o’clock when we locked up the diner and Kieran insisted on walking me back to the house.

  “Enjoy yourself, did you?” he asked.

  “I did. I know this is mean, but I hope Kacy is sick and that’s why she can’t come in. Not, like, really sick, just mildly enough to give me some extra shifts,” I laughed as I spoke.

  He chuckled along with me. “She’s on her way out, the poor girl. I think she’s been off sick more than she’s been at work. Rose is a sucker for a girl in need, though.”

  I hoped that was just an off the cuff comment and he wasn’t referring to me.

  “So, girl, how long are you staying around for?” he asked.

  “I don’t know. I was honest with Rose from the beginning. I do like it here, though.”

  I did, in just the week I’d been in town, I’d grown to like the people, the job, but it was just too close to Philip and Damien to safely stay.

  “How are you finding it, staying at Cecelia’s?” he asked as we neared the house.

  “I really like her and the bedroom is comfortable.”

  “Getting on with Beau?”

  His question startled me. “I’m not sure he likes me very much,” I said.

  “He’s a good man, been through a hard time, though.”

  “I’m sure he is,” I replied, not wanting to say too much more.

  “Well, here we are. We’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “Thank you for walking me home, I appreciate that.”

  He gave me a nod and turned back to walk the way we came. I decided to sit on the sun deck for a little while. My brain was still buzzing from my shift and all the coffee I’d drunk. I wanted to wind down a little. I could hear voices from the room I was sitting outside.

  “But you don’t know a thing about her,” Beau said.

  “I don't need to. I wish you’d just trust my judgement. The girl needs help, we all know that. When she’s ready, she’ll tell us.”

  “And if she doesn’t? Whatever trouble she’s in, it might find itself on your doorstep.”

  Beau sounded angry and I had no doubt they were talking about me. I also heard footsteps, and before I could move, the front door opened. I was sitting in the shadow and watched Beau sigh heavily. He lit a cigarette before pulling the door gently closed, then sat on the top step.

  “Yes, I’m in trouble. And no, I don’t anticipate that trouble affecting your, or Cecelia’s life,” I said, aware of the bitterness in my voice. I had startled him.

  “How can you be sure?” he asked, turning to face me.

  “Because I’ll be gone soon. It’s obviously a problem, me being here, and that’s something I didn’t want to happen.”

  “She is the only family I have. I don’t want her anxious over a stranger.”

  His words stung a little.

  “I understand that, and if I was in the same position, I’d feel the same. I don’t want to cause trouble, Beau. I’ll move on as quickly as possible.”

  I left him to finish his cigarette and walked into the house. I avoided the kitchen and climbed the stairs to the bedroom. The sanctuary that I’d found had soured somewhat.

  I didn’t bother to undress but sat on the bed, pulled my knees to my chest, and wrapped the quilt around my shoulders. I rested my forehead on my knees. I’d never felt so alone before.

  There was a tap on the bedroom door. I ignored it at first, assuming it was Cecelia and not wanting her to see my tears. A second tap came and before I could make a decision on whether to get up and answer it, the door opened.

  “I think you’ve said all you need,” I said, looking at Beau standing in the doorway. The light from outside framed him.

  “What trouble are you in?”

  “It has nothing to do with you, and I wouldn’t burden anyone with my problems, anyway.”

  He walked into the room and closed the door behind him. The room was lit only by the moonlight. He crossed the beam of light that blazed into the room and sat on the end of the bed.

  “Charlotte, what trouble are you in?” he repeated.

  “Why do you want to know, Beau? So you can mock me some more? So you can tell Cecelia that you told her so?” My hushed tones rose in anger.

  “Because, for some reason, my aunt likes you. Rose and Kieran like you. They want me to help you.”

  “They want you to help me? What are you, Beau, the police?” I laughed bitterly.

  “No, not the police.”

  “Have you all had a discussion about me?”

  His lack of an answer was all I needed to hear. I let my head rest back on my knees and for a moment we sat in silence.

  “My grandmother died, I never knew my mother, or my father. She left me her house but the court awarded a guardian. A cousin I’d never met before turned up and took over my life. He’s a drunk, a drug addict. I don’t know what happened, but one night I was dragged from my bed and thrown out into the yard. He’d lost my house and I was being evicted.”

  “And that’s who you’re running from?”

  “Yes. That was who I was running from when you picked me up.”

  “But that’s not all, is it?” he asked.

  “No. And I don’t care how much you want to protect your aunt, I’m not willing to discuss anymore. Let’s just say, my cousin destroyed my life in ways you could never imagine. And I’m in trouble for something I haven’t done.”

  I lifted my head from my knees, not caring that he saw my tears.

  “Now I would like you to leave this room. I pay for it and I have rights. If you can give me a couple of days, I’ll find somewhere else to stay.”

  He nodded his head and stood. In silence and without glancing at me, he left the room. I curled on my side and cried myself to sleep.

  The following morning, I showered and dressed, then snuck out of the house before anyone was up. I grabbed a newspaper and found a small coffee shop at the other end of the town. I sat at a table in the corner and scanned through the ads, hoping I’d find a room for rent. I also looked for another job. It wasn’t that I would leave the diner, but I needed to work more hours just for another couple of weeks if I could manage to stick around that long. I wanted enough for airfare. Where to? I had no idea, but hitchhiking out of town wasn’t going to get me far enough away. I’d never purchased an airline ticket before; I guessed it couldn’t be that hard. I had no idea where the nearest airport was, but again, it shouldn’t be difficult to find that out. Perhaps the librarian could help me with that.

  I left the coffee shop and headed to the library. Unfortunately, the librarian I had met before wasn’t around, a young guy stood behind the counter.

  “I know this might be a strange question, but where is the nearest airport?” I asked.

  He gave me a strange look, as if I’d asked him the most outrageous question. “International?” he asked.

  “No, I don’t think so.”

  “You don’t think so?”

  “I just want to fly to a different state,” I tried not to get exasperated.

  “Then I guess you’d want Tulsa.”

  “How far from here is Tulsa?”

  He shrugged his shoulders before returning his gaze back to a pile of books on the counter. I wasn’t sure I was going to get any useful information from him so decided to find a map. It was a library; they must have maps, mustn’t they?

  I scanned the shelves, and eventually found what I was looking for. I found the town and tracked across the page until I located their airport. On paper it didn’t look that far, but in reality, I guessed it was way more miles that I’d be able to manage without planning. Maybe there was a bus service that I could take.


  I hadn’t noticed any public transport, in fact, there wasn’t even a train station locally. I’d have to head back to my old home for that, something I wasn’t prepared to do. I closed the map and replaced it on the shelf. If Beau wanted me gone, then he’d have to help.

  It was with a shadow of sadness that I completed my shift. I knew Rose thought something was wrong, I saw her glance at me on more than one occasion. I did everything I was asked to do, with a smile to each customer, but I guessed that smile didn’t quite meet my eyes. I didn’t get the afternoon shift as Kacy had returned, and since it had been a quiet lunchtime, my tips jar was fairly low.

  “Are you okay? You look a little distracted today?” Rose asked, as she handed me my wage envelope.

  “A little tired, that’s all. I didn’t sleep well last night.”

  “You look like you’ve lost a little weight as well. Are you eating regularly?”

  “Of course. Honestly, I’m fine.” I gave her the smile she needed to stop her questioning.

  I didn’t head back to the house after my shift. Instead, I found a small park and I sat on a bench. It wasn’t the weather for sitting out for hours, but I had no desire to sit in the bedroom knowing I wasn’t welcome. I’d caused an argument between Beau and Cecelia and that troubled me. I just sat and watched moms and children play on the swings and slides. I watched dog walkers, some reluctantly, parading their pooches around. A couple walked past holding hands and laughing. It wasn’t a cold day but I shivered and slipped my hands up the arms of my sweater. When my ass was numb from sitting for so long, I took a slow walk around the town. I discovered some back streets and a courtyard with a small fountain. I sat on the edge and dangled my fingers through the cold water. It did nothing to warm me up, but there was something comforting about the sound of rippling water. Maybe, when I figured out how I was going to leave, it would be to somewhere on the coast. I’d never been to the sea. The closest I’d gotten to open water was a dip in the murky, rat piss-infested lake back home.