Being Amber

by Sylvia Ryan

  Jaci studied Jordan as she spoke. She was short-haired, petite and fit. Definitely a no-nonsense type of woman. Somebody who would fit in with a crowd of men as well, or maybe even better than with a crowd of women.

  “You may not realize it now, but we’re helping you heal, emotionally and physically, with our presence, our touch and our support,” Emily said.

  There was a lull in the conversation. The women let what they’d said sink in. For long moments, a relaxed silence filled the room. Jaci looked at the four of them surrounding her, touching her.

  Jaci closed her eyes to escape the scrutiny of the women. Just yesterday, she would have preferred death to life in Amber. Maybe it wouldn’t be as bad here as she thought. A surge of hope took up residence within her. She did feel emotionally better today, surrounded by these women, than she did yesterday. Could it be true? Could she feel included, happy even, being Amber?

  Jaci opened her eyes and looked at each one of them individually. She had the feeling they would sit there and wait for her, holding her, hugging her, raking their fingers through her hair as long as she needed it. Overcome by the depth of sincerity and acceptance she felt from these women, she nodded her head slowly in understanding.

  “Let’s take a break. I have to pee, and I need some tea and food,” Hannah said, slicing through the silence. They all answered in murmurs of soft agreement, getting up from their places on the bed. Jordan and Emily went to the kitchen together.

  When Hannah returned from the bathroom, she and Caroline helped Jaci from the bed to the toilet and closed the door behind them as they left.

  After she went to the bathroom, Jaci took stock of herself. She noticed the removal of the mandatory birth control device that had been implanted in her arm since she was sixteen. She wouldn’t need it now. She poked at the two small stitches in her skin from the removal procedure. They didn’t hurt.

  She lifted up the front of her hospital gown and took off the dressing covering her incisions. The two horizontal cuts in her skin were an angry red with vertical strips of tape keeping them closed.

  That’s it. It was done.

  Jaci’s emotions plummeted. Like falling through thin ice, cold anguish enveloped her. The quickness and magnitude of the plunge caught her off guard. She groaned aloud and fell to her knees, bracing herself on the edge of the tub. “Oh fuck, fuck, fuck,” she sobbed almost imperceptibly.

  It didn’t matter. None of the things the women told her today mattered. It was a distraction, giving her false hope that her future here in Amber was going to be tolerable. Her life was not a fairy tale, and she wasn’t going to find happily ever after here.

  Jaci laid her cheek on the cool surface of the rim of the tub as she cycled through the physical and mental assault of her new life.

  There was a tap on the bathroom door before it opened. Caroline entered and closed the door gently behind her. “I shouldn’t have left you alone. I’m so sorry. I should have known better.” She rubbed Jaci’s back and combed her fingers through her hair, hushing her and whispering encouragements.

  It took several minutes before Jaci pulled herself together and straightened her spine. “I’m okay.”

  “Let’s get this redressed.” Caroline helped Jaci up and grabbed the box of surg patches sitting on the counter next to the sink. She placed a fresh one on each of Jaci’s wounds. “They’ve definitely perfected this procedure over the years. You’ll be feeling pretty good by tomorrow,” she said unfazed as if she always found women in crumpled heaps on their bathroom floor.

  When they finally exited the bathroom, she found that the other women had laid tea, bagels, and muffins on a tray in the middle of the bed. They helped Jaci in, propping her on pillows until she was comfortable and sitting up enough to eat.

  They ate in relative silence with only snippets about the food and tea breaking the quiet. It gave Jaci time to process the information from the morning and stabilize her mood.

  “So, do the men take advantage of this touching thing? You know, sexually? I mean how do you know if a man is touching you because he likes you or just because it’s what everybody does?”

  “Now that’s the question isn’t it,” Emily said, laughing. “I like the way you think. The mind seems to travel right to the guys, doesn’t it? Doesn’t matter if you’re an Amber or a Diamond.”

  “You especially are going to have countless people, both men and women, touching you a lot,” Caroline said.

  “Why me especially?”

  “Because you’re a fallow. Women who’ve been sterilized before having their baby, the ones that had the choice to have a child totally taken away from them, are honored members of our community. Ambers have been raised to give special attention, support and acceptance to fallows. You’ve made the ultimate sacrifice. Your loss does not go unnoticed here. It’s a part of our culture, and I think defines who we are as a community. We’re always trying to make life easier to live.”

  “That’s part of the reason why there was a u-com sent about you to the building yesterday,” Hannah said softly, looking with kindness into Jaci’s eyes. “Every woman here will be sterilized eventually, but after we’ve given birth to a child. There are fewer women identified with Automatic Disqualifier genes, resulting in less fallows than there used to be and even fewer from different zones like you, so you’re a big deal.”

  “And the info gets around. The coms about your arrival yesterday were flying. Plus, people talk. Pretty much every woman in the building tried to stop by last night. I had to have Xander drive them away at the door,” Caroline said.

  “Xander?”

  “Xander’s your roommate.” Emily piped in.

  “I have a male roommate?”

  “Yeah, we all do,” Emily said. “Except for Caroline. She hasn’t had a roommate for how long now Caroline?

  “Over a year.”

  “How do they keep managing to skip over you?” Jordan asked.

  Caroline shrugged.

  “Anyways,” Emily went on with a wave of her hand. “All single Ambers are paired up boy-girl.”

  “It’s like having a built in big brother,” Jordan said. “Well, at least that’s what I think having a big brother would be like. It’s reassuring to have some built-in family. None of us has siblings, and a lot of our parents are sick or have died already. Our roommates take care of us. It’s expected.”

  “I’m pretty sure the boy-girl pairing started as a result from the Gov studies,” Caroline said. “They showed that supportive touch from the opposite sex affects a person more positively and with increased strength.”

  “I agree,” Emily said, smiling with an added eyebrow wag.

  “Leave it to Emily to jump into a conversation as soon as it gets anywhere near the subject of sex,” Caroline said drily.

  “There are some roommates that end up hooking up and sometimes even get married. But more often than not, they’re our protectors and best friends. Nothing else,” Jordan said.

  Jaci glanced between Emily and Jordan and immediately decided that she liked them both, especially Emily. If somebody could be that happy as an Amber, she wanted to get to know them better. Maybe some of that effervescence would rub off on her.

  “Anyways, we’ll be staying with you for a while, until you…well, won’t freak when Xander wants to be touching you. You know, when you’re both home, sleeping and stuff.” Hannah said.

  Jaci felt disconcerted by the thought of some guy she didn’t know sleeping next to her, touching her.

  “That look, right there,” Caroline said, motioning to Jaci. “We’ll stay with you until you don’t have that look on your face when you’re thinking about other people touching you all the time.”

  Jaci tried to wipe whatever look Caroline was talking about off her face.

  “It has been hard for some women from different zones to adjust to the different culture and to being a fallow,” Caroline said.

  Jaci noticed the split second glances the women exch
anged with each other, but before she opened her mouth to ask about it, Jordan quickly changed the subject.

  “Believe it or not, the last twenty-four hours have been hard on Xander. Nobody knew you were here until the u-com was sent. You were already at the Sterilization Center by the time we found out about you.”

  “He felt like shit that he wasn’t here for your first night. He was so upset today we couldn’t get him to leave. We tried to get him to go, but he was being stubborn.” Emily said. “I actually had to call his mother.” Her smirk was devilish. “She imposed her motherly authority and forced him to go. She’s one of the very few people that will take him head-on and not accept no for an answer. They’re close, the two of them.”

  “I think he feels like he’s let you down, without you even meeting each other yet,” Jordan said. “If you’re up to it, you guys can meet later. I’m sure he’s going to try to get in here anyways.”

  “He’s been sleeping around because he has trouble falling asleep by himself. His last roommate, Diana, recently got married and moved to the townhomes with her new hubby,” Caroline said. “That’s why he wasn’t here your first night.”

  “Sleeping around?”

  “Yeah, staying here and there instead of coming back to his own apartment.”

  “How did Diana’s husband like the fact that she slept in the same bed as Xander?” Jaci asked.

  Hannah shrugged. “It was fine. Half the time, he was here too.” She paused. “Listen, you have to change the mindset that sleeping with somebody or touching somebody is sexual. Sometimes it is, but most of the time it’s not.”

  “And there’s going to be a lot of times that there are three, sometimes even four people in your bed, like right now. We’re all here and will be here for another night if you need us. All of our roommates, including Xander, are on their own. They’re sleeping with other people.”

  Jaci nodded then yawned.

  “Okay, I think that’s enough for one morning. Jaci needs some rest,” Jordan said.

  “You don’t have to stay and watch me sleep.”

  “You guys go,” Caroline said. “I didn’t get much sleep last night anyways, a nap sounds good.”

  The women left and Jaci rolled to her side trying to get comfortable. She fell asleep easily to the soft caresses of Caroline’s fingers sifting gently through her hair.

  * * * *

  The apartment was totally silent when Xander opened the door.

  A few moments before, Jordan had checked in to report that she’d left to get some sleep. He was supposed to take over surveillance. He could have done that from outside the apartment, sitting with Brady and monitoring the bug from the ninth floor. But, bottom line, he needed to see Jaci, to make sure she was okay. He wanted to…Xander shook the thought away. Wanting to shake her and yell at her for what she’d done wouldn’t be the ideal way to start off their new relationship. He slipped in and peered over toward the bed.

  Caroline slept next to Jaci. Her hand was on Jaci’s waist.

  They were both turned away from the door, facing his side of the room. He crept in, walking past the bed so he could look at his new roommate. He wanted to officially meet her since she hadn’t woken up at all before the Sit-In Team arrived and pestered him until he got out.

  It was hard to step back and relinquish control of this situation. But, he understood why the women took over on these occasions. Caroline, the head of the Sit-In Team was a nurse and also a fallow herself. The other women who volunteered for the sit-in would become an instant circle of friends for Jaci. They would help her cope with the extreme culture shock coming from living her whole life in a different zone. And, even more importantly, help her through the heart-piercing struggle of coming to terms with her sterilization and the new life assigned to her.

  His gaze fastened to the woman in the bed. A puddle of wavy, brown hair covered his pillow. Even while sleeping, a mask of misery veiled Jaci’s face. It would have been preferable to meet her before her reassignment to Amber, before the operation. He would have been able to know who she truly was, not just the person she’d been forced to become.

  Xander knew other women and men that came from different zones after being designated Amber. They’d all adjusted well, many preferring the Amber lifestyle to their previous designation. He was confident Jaci would too.

  He stood over her, working himself up yet again about finding her near death the day before, when Jaci opened her eyes. She looked dazed while she tried to figure out where she was, and Xander discerned the exact moment when she put the pieces together in her head because a profound sadness emanated from her. Her eyes deadened.

  Kneeling next to the bed, he whispered, “Hi.”

  He reached out slowly and ran his thumb across her cheek.

  She looked into his eyes. “Hi.”

  “I’m Xander.”

  She smiled a sad smile. “Jaci.”

  “You’re on my side of the bed,” he said teasing her. He gingerly climbed onto the sliver of mattress available next to her. Their faces were inches away from each other, their bodies pressed close with only the covers as a barrier between them.

  Chapter 4

  It took Jaci an instant to suppress her surprise when Xander climbed into the bed next to her. His intense expression and his dark exploration of the features of her face raised goose bumps on her arms and sent tingles down the back of her neck.

  “How are you feeling?” he whispered, reaching up to brush a lock of her hair aside. He placed his palm on the skin he’d exposed on her neck, his fingers curling around to her nape. His hand was hot against her cool skin. Her breathing quickened. It felt nice, his hand on her.

  “I’m ready to come home. These women wouldn’t let me yesterday,” he grumbled. He gently petted the back of her neck with the velvet pads of his fingers.

  “I’m not sure it’s up to me,” Jaci said, giving him a faint smile.

  “Maybe I’ll stay here and hide behind you.”

  “You could try, but I think I’d notice.” The voice sounded from behind Jaci. Caroline was awake.

  “Crap,” he murmured.

  “You just couldn’t stay away, you goon,” Caroline chastised.

  Jaci rolled over onto her back. “It’s okay, Caroline. He’s not bothering me.”

  Caroline glowered at Xander while he gave her a self-satisfied expression.

  She turned her attention to Jaci. “You need anything?”

  “Bathroom.”

  Xander got up from the bed and walked around to where Caroline stood. They both helped her up and walked her over to the bathroom. Xander’s arm circled her back. His hand slipped underneath the opening of her paper clinic gown. It was large and warm on her skin, gently cupping her hip, guiding her. Caroline went into the bathroom with her this time, as Xander stepped away.

  * * * *

  “Do you want me to kick him out?”

  “No, it’s his apartment too.”

  “He’s going to want to sleep here tonight. Are you ready for that?”

  Jaci was silent for a while. “He’s not weird or dangerous or anything is he?”

  “Ha! Xander? No way. He’s just a whiny baby who can’t stand not being in control.”

  Jaci smiled. She couldn’t imagine that man having a whiny bone in his body. “I think it will be okay.”

  “It’s nice to see you smile.” Caroline caught her eye, obviously trying to read her, and then nodded. “Okay.”

  “I’ll be out in a minute.” Jaci raised her eyebrows expectantly, waiting for the woman to leave her alone.

  Caroline nodded and smiled at her. “Okay.” She grabbed the box of surge patches on the way out the bathroom door. “I’ll have to take a look when you’re done in there,” she said, holding up the box.

  When she exited the bathroom, Caroline was waiting. “Let’s take a look. I’ll spray the areas with the antibiotic spray and put new patches on.”

  Xander leaned against the wall by t
he window. His arms were crossed over his chest. It looked as if it didn’t even occur to him that she may want some privacy. He wasn’t going anywhere.

  “Oh you don’t have to do that. I can do it this time.” She looked down. “It’s kind of–yuck.”

  “I’m a nurse. I’ve seen a lot worse than this.”

  Jaci‘s head snapped down to where Caroline knelt in front of her. “A nurse? I thought Ambers couldn’t have professional jobs.”

  “Sometimes I think the Gov spreads that disinformation on purpose because you aren’t the first fallow to say that to me. So, it’s understandable why you’re confused. Plus, only the Ambers that don’t have higher education work outside the Amber Zone, so there was no reason to think any differently. You can go to college online here as long as you do your twenty hours of work assignment every week. All of our professionals are Ambers. Everything here is done by us, for us. There are no other class designations that work in the Amber Zone.

  “There, you’re all set.” She threw the wrapper from the new patches away, and led Jaci back to bed.

  “My work assignment is painter. It’s only twenty hours a week? And I can go to college for anything I want?” She looked back and forth between Caroline and Xander.

  “Yeah, everybody works twenty hours a week. No exceptions,” Caroline said.

  “I don’t get it, how do you earn enough money to live?”

  “We don’t earn money, we earn credits. It’s illegal to have currency in Amber,” Xander stated.

  “Pretty much everything, you know, the basics, are provided by the Gov at the commissary. The credits are for extras like clothes and luxury items like scented soap, stuff like that,” Caroline added. “That’s one of the things the code on your palm is for.”

  Jaci must have looked lost because Xander added, “Your credits are deposited to your code. Whenever you need to pay for something you scan your hand and the credits will be deducted from your total.”

  Jaci looked at Xander with disbelief, then at Caroline waiting for her to contradict him, or start laughing or something. “You’re kidding right?”