Being Amber

by Sylvia Ryan

  Her day had been perfect. What Xander did released all the pent-up emotions and stress she’d been battling. It drained right out of her. She couldn’t wait to see him and thank him for the relief. She couldn’t wait to talk to him about it, feel him out. She wanted to know if he had similar feelings for her or whether she was making something out of nothing. Had he done the same types of things with Diana? Somehow, she doubted it.

  Most importantly, she wanted more of it. But when he arrived at the apartment later that night, and she had the opportunity to talk with him, she didn’t sense a change in the way he looked at her or acted around her. She had a hard time bringing it up after that. When Jaci realized that nothing had changed between them, that Xander immediately returned her back into the friendship category, she was crushed.

  Confused and hurt, she wasn’t sure if she could play this game. She didn’t think she was strong enough. But she had too much pride to show even the slightest hint of what a sucker punch this return to friendship status was. And, because she seemed to have no self-respect at all, it was still easy to crawl into bed with him at the end of the night.

  When Jaci opened her eyes to the sun in the morning, she was nervous. She had planned a day of exploring with Xander. He was supposed to take her through Circle City for the first time. But their “not sex” sex the morning before loomed over her. The day felt like a disaster waiting to happen because it was impossible for her not think about, and he seemed to have no clue as to what he’d actually accomplished. He’d flipped a switch within her.

  She needed more of him, more of what he’d done.

  Xander stopped in the doorway to the kitchen and leaned on the jamb, looking her up and down. “Come here,” he rumbled as he held his arms open, ready to close them around her when she went to him. Instead, she stood frozen in place for a moment. The pleading words that weighed heavy on her tongue were a breath away.

  Again please. I need it again. I need you again.

  She saw the command and control, the restraint he forced onto his face, into his eyes, as she reluctantly took the few steps into his arms. He wrapped them tightly around her and swept her off her feet, carrying her to the bed and cradling her on his lap. “What is it?”

  She looked down, away from his searching gaze.

  He sighed. “You were hurting, and my instinct was to make you feel better. I did that in the only way I know how. I want to be close to you, to be your friend and help you through this. I want you to know you’re safe with me.”

  He sifted his fingers through her hair and she raised her gaze to his, fully knowing that all her feelings were there for him to read.

  “You’re a beautiful woman and I’m not going to say I didn’t enjoy myself yesterday morning, because I did.” He paused as if trying to choose his words carefully, but the sinking feeling inside was already settling in. It didn’t matter how he worded it. There was a but coming.

  “You and I will be living together a long time and having a relationship with you, a true bond, is more important to me, means more to me than sex. I can get sex anywhere and so can you. I want something different for us.” He took her chin and tilted her face toward his. “I have never had a girlfriend, never loved a woman in a romantic way, and I don’t intend to start. I like my life the way it is, uncomplicated.

  “I’ll take care of you for as long as you need me to. And that includes doing what we did yesterday if I feel it’s what you need. And I will love you, already do really. But what you’re thinking…what you’re hoping for is not going to happen.

  “You have to trust me. Have to trust that I know what’s best for both of us.”

  Jaci lowered her gaze and turned her face away from him, swallowing hard because she was choking on her heartache. Devastated. She was absolutely devastated. She tried as hard as she could not to cry. She didn’t need to add humiliation to the long list of emotions she was dealing with. “Okay.”

  Xander held her for several long minutes stroking her hair and holding her, before he gave her a couple of soft pats to the rear and stood, setting her on her feet. “Come on.”

  He took her hand in the elevator on the way down to ground level and led her through the rear lobby. Her heart still soared when he touched her. No matter how rejected she felt and how it’s-not-happening he was, hope sprouted at his touch. She yearned to be the kind of woman he wanted, the kind of woman he could fall in love with.

  Jaci’s breath caught in her throat when she exited the back entrance of building seventeen into Circle City. The perfectly landscaped courtyard was filled to the brim with mature trees, colorful flowers and a fountain. The ballads of songbirds mingled with the sound of trickling water and lifted her spirits. They stepped onto a winding path that held shady nooks with benches to stop and rest along the way.

  “It’s nice, isn’t it?” Xander smiled at her reaction. “This green space is a complete ring. It juts up against every rear entrance of the Circle City buildings, leading from building to building, rimming the whole of the city. There are two main streets that cross, splitting the city into quadrants. Building seventeen is in the south quad. If you ever have to travel to a far end of the circle, you can grab a solar cart to drive. But, the only place carts are allowed is on the two main streets. The north-south street, which is over there,” Xander pointed, “is Peachtree Street. The east-west street that dissects Peachtree Street in the center of the city is Marietta Street. They walked together on the courtyard path until it met Peachtree, and then started making their way north toward the center of the city.

  There were no cars, busses or trucks. No pollution. Solar carts zoomed quietly by on the paved paths that were surrounded by beautifully manicured vine covered trellises and flowers of every kind. Bridges arched over koi ponds and beautiful shade trees provided shelter from the New Atlanta sun on well-manicured grass. The feel was reminiscent of the kind of small town main street seen in some of the old TV shows from the last century. There were shop windows to look through and outdoor cafes to stop and rest. Circle City was a perfectly hidden secret within the twenty-eight ugly buildings that created its perimeter.

  “I don’t understand how it can be so gorgeous here. I expected it to be like the rest of Amber.”

  “We don’t need a thing from the Gov to grow gardens. It’s something we have control over. Ambers in Circle City take pride in what they have here. It’s a simple joy to be surrounded by beauty, but every little thing helps and everybody works to keep it special.

  Xander still held Jaci’s hand as they crisscrossed the circular perfection. She watched the efficient bustle of men and women in grey uniforms emptying trash, sweeping walks and caring for the landscape. Hand in hand, they strolled the morning away, passing shops, restaurants, the recreation complex, and dance clubs. When they decided to stop and figure out the rest of their day, they chose a table shaded by an oversize umbrella on the patio of cute bistro. They sat together in the shade, smiling and relaxed with a moment of awkwardness before Xander spoke.

  “So, do you want to go to Tri-C to sign up for classes?”

  “Tri-C?”

  “Circle City College. All the courses are online, but you would have to register for classes at the administration office. It’s not too far from here.”

  Jaci found herself at a loss as to what she would to register for. Before she was designated Amber, she wanted to be a teacher. But now, she wasn’t so sure she wanted to work around kids for the rest of her life, now that she would never have any of her own.

  “No, not yet,” she said softly.

  A waiter came up to their table. “What can I get for you today?” he asked as he looked down at the two of them. “Oh, Jaci?”

  She smiled at him. “Yes?”

  “You probably don’t remember me, I dropped Hannah off at your apartment a few days ago for the sit-in. I’m her friend, Asher.” He leaned over and kissed Jaci on the cheek and shook hands with Xander. It looked like they knew each other, but only
in passing.

  “It’s so nice to see you up and around.”

  “Thank you,” she said, squinting up at him.

  He was gorgeous with wavy sable hair that tousled in the breeze. His large brown eyed gaze traveled over her face and then her body, exploring her. Jaci was not confused trying to decipher this look. He was definitely checking her out.

  She felt her cheeks redden. “It feels nice to be up and around.”

  He smiled at her. “So, what can I get you guys?”

  “Do you have beer today?” Xander asked.

  “Not till the end of the week. We have a hard mix on special–owner’s secret recipe. It’s on the fruity side.”

  Xander glanced over at Jaci. “You game?”

  She nodded.

  “We’ll take two.”

  “Do you guys want anything to eat?”

  Jaci shook her head. “No, not really.”

  “Okay, be right back.” Asher turned and walked back inside the bistro to get their drinks.

  “You’ve never told me about your family,” Jaci said to Xander.

  “Well, not much to say. My mom lives in the Amber Zone burbs, close to the Sapphire border actually.”

  “Are you close with her?”

  “Very. She is only now starting to learn how not to hover. Being a mom has always been her favorite role in life. It was hard for her when I turned twenty-one and was assigned my own place. I think she was at a loss for a while, but she’s doing better. I’ve weaned her down to a few coms a week,” he said with a chuckle. “She’s already invited you over a couple of times by the way, so let me know when you’re ready to be overwhelmed with well meaning doting.”

  “Next time she invites me, set up a day. I would love to meet her.”

  Xander nodded his head “I will, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

  Asher came back with their drinks. “Is there anything else I can get you?”

  “No, I think we’re good,” Xander said.

  Asher looked at Jaci and touched her arm. “Hey, listen, would you like to go to the next mix with me?”

  “Uh, maybe. What’s a mix?”

  Asher flashed a brilliantly beautiful smile at her. “The first Friday of every month, every Circle City building has a party. Going to your own building’s mix will be great way for you to get to know everybody. I’d love to take you,” he said as he caressed a wayward strand of hair from Jaci’s face.

  Jaci glanced at Xander. He smiled slightly, and raised his eyebrows when their eyes met, like he was encouraging her and happy that she was being asked for a date.

  If he was fine with Asher asking her out, she would be too.

  “I’d love to,” she said.

  “Great, I’ll get your com from Hannah. I’ll be in touch with you soon. We’ll hammer out the details.”

  * * * *

  She’d been subdued and overly polite, stiff, all morning. The sadness from the gentle rejection he gave her earlier still shone in her eyes. He’d done that to her. He’d confused and hurt her, and he didn’t know what to do to fix it.

  Now, he was forced to grin and bear it no matter how much he hated the idea of Jaci going anywhere with a man like Asher. Asher sported a reputation with the girls much like his own. A lot of benefriends with no emotional attachments. Jaci needed more than that from a man. She wasn’t acculturated to Amber enough to know him and exactly what a man like Asher wanted from her.

  Xander knew he must let Jaci get out and meet people. But he hoped she would meet other women, not someone intent on showing her his superior skills of seduction and sexual play, then leaving her until the next time they ran into each other. He also knew if he safeguarded her from everybody, they’d never catch the person who was going after the fallows.

  Still, Xander wanted to rip the man’s pretty face right off his skull. It took some balls for Asher to ask her for a date while she sat with him. After all, he didn’t know if there was anything between the two of them.

  After Asher left them alone again, Xander tried to shake it off and settle his temper by concentrating on Jaci. He watched her slightly glossy pink lips move as she spoke, and her perfect white teeth peeking from between them when she smiled at him. Her body was relaxed, leaning back in the chair with her bare legs crossed. She was interesting and animated, talking with her hands.

  They moved past the “tell me about yourself and your life” conversations and on to other topics. The fact that she was informed and easily discussed other subjects drew him in. He listened to her talk about the Gov’s recent attempt to retrieve fine art from the Onyx Zone.

  She was smart, articulate. No dizzy, ditzy woman here. She was more than, “How do I look?” and “Don’t you love these shoes?” It was refreshing and attractive. Her self-confidence emerged and Xander realized this was probably what she was like in Sapphire, before life changed so drastically for her. He took a deep breath. Nice. Really nice.

  After having a few drinks, Xander and Jaci walked the city. They took a long break in the late afternoon, finding a spot on shaded grass where a lot of people lay on blankets.

  “As the summer gets hotter, this whole area will be filled with people sleeping at night. It’s too stifling hot in the buildings. Some are worse than others.”

  They watched people pass doing their errands or meeting up after work. She lay with her head in his lap under the sun-dappled branches of a tree looking up into the cloudless sky beyond.

  While she was lost in her daydreams, Xander looked at her stretched out before him. His desire for every perfect part of her raged within him. Her breasts rhythmically advanced and retreated with her slow breaths. The tempting band of skin where her shirt ended and her skirt hadn’t yet started invited him to touch. Her slender legs. He wanted to be between those legs.

  Xander’s fantasy was interrupted by a sudden shift of the atmosphere around them. The difference was easily discernable. It seemed like even the air changed from relaxing to tense, and the birds quieted their song. Jaci sensed the change and sat up, turning to see what altered the peace she’d been enjoying. Together they watched a group of soldiers, some with guns drawn, marching a woman down Peachtree. The woman’s hands were cuffed behind her and a loop of rope encircled neck as one of the soldiers led her with the pole attached to the loop.

  Her gaze followed them. “What’s going on?” She turned and gaped at Xander.

  “National Guard,” he whispered and then signaled Jaci, shaking his head almost imperceptibly. She picked up on the slight gesture and stayed silent.

  One of the huge, vicious dogs walking alongside the group of Guardsmen, eyed them as he passed. The predator in the animal was barely concealed and Xander instinctively tensed to protect Jaci if she needed it.

  “I can’t believe people used to keep dogs in their homes,” she hissed.

  He turned to look at her, and her face confirmed what he’d already felt. She was in a swell of fear, her eyes were dilated and her breaths were coming short and fast.

  “That’s one thing I wouldn’t do even if we were allowed.”

  After the group of soldiers passed, she looked to him for an explanation.

  “The Gov keeps Amber on an extremely short leash.” He snorted. “Sometimes literally, as you’ve just seen. The National Guard is never a welcome sight here.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “National Guard has come to mean something different to the people of the Amber Zone. It’s ironic really. The troops that once inspired feelings of safety, now strike terror into the hearts of people in Amber.”

  “Why?”

  “Because the people they escort out of here don’t come back.” Xander scrubbed his fingers through his short hair and sighed. “Ambers are like the Gov’s pets. We live where they want, eat what they give us, and are expected to be well trained or serve the consequences. Sometimes the consequences are removal and redesignation to Onyx.” Xander nodded his head toward the soldiers that were almos
t out of sight. “They provide everything for us. But they also use that to control us. We have no money. No personal modes of transportation. No voting rights. No right to own firearms. They supply an abundance of alcohol and drugs to keep us as docile as possible. The Gov wants us to be pacified, silent and to remain forgotten until, eventually there are no Ambers left.

  “The Amber Zone polices itself. And, for the most part, the Gov leaves us alone until someone’s behavior impacts their control in the other zones. They are still ultimately in charge. When they do step in, it is full force to send a clear message.”

  “What kinds of things does the Guard get sent here for?”

  “Who knows what they consider punishable. It’s not like the rules are written down anywhere. At least not where we can read them. But we all know on some level that their main concern is to keep us contained to our zone as much as possible, mute to everybody outside of Amber.”

  Xander looked around. “Never talk about this stuff with anyone else.” He looked Jaci straight in the eye. “I want you to understand. You don’t know who you can trust here. There are people planted in the Amber Zone who report back to the Gov about Ambers that are problematic. People they deem subversive or problematic either get publically removed, like her.” He jerked his head toward the soldiers. “Or just disappear.”

  Xander reached up to rub the pad of his thumb over the furrows that formed between Jaci’s eyes. They betrayed the thoughts that ran through her mind.

  “Don’t worry, sweetie. Just keep in mind that they monitor us. They track us through our codes.” He absently held up his hand to show the code tattooed on his palm. “They know where we go, who we congregate with, where and what we eat, and what we buy with our credits. There are eyes and ears everywhere.” Xander cupped Jaci’s face gently. “It’s essential that you fly under the radar as much as possible. They will be watching you more closely since you have ties to Sapphire.” He dropped his hand and pulled her close to him until they were shoulder to shoulder. “Talking to people of other designations could be hazardous to your health. Keep that in mind when you go to visit your family. You might disappear if you say too much, or the wrong thing. Not only that, but they could disappear too. I think a lot of people who’ve been redesignated to Amber don’t contact their family in their prior zones because it’s just safer that way.”