The Secret Diary of a Princess a novel of Marie Antoinette

by Clegg, Melanie

  Amalia laughed then. 'I am sure that it is but you will get used to it.'

  The dressmaker turned to Amalia with a smile. 'Your Highness will no doubt be delighted to learn that your wedding dress is almost completed. It is the most beautiful creation imaginable and I cannot wait until you can see it for yourself.'

  Amalia stopped smiling. 'Oh. Yes. I had forgotten,' she said in a toneless voice that held no enthusiasm. She is to leave Vienna to be married in less than a month and any mention of the fact is most unwelcome.

  The dressmaker and her seamstresses looked at each other in confusion. 'I am sorry, Your Highness, I did not realise...' the woman's voice trailed away.

  Monday, 12th June, Laxenburg, waiting for dinner.

  We arrived at Laxenburg earlier this afternoon and I am exhausted and famished. The journey was very exciting as most of the court came with us for the fete tomorrow and Amalia and I were able to wave and smile at the young men of the court as they rode alongside us on their horses and grinned down at us in our carriage. One or too even threw nosegays of sweetly scented flowers in through the open windows, which we clasped to our bosoms in a theatrical manner and giggled over. Mama was in her own large carriage up ahead with Elizabeth and Marianna and so remained oblivious to what was happening in her wake.

  Ah, here comes the footman to escort me down to dinner! Finally! I hope there are dumplings and plenty of cake.

  Tuesday, 13th June, very late.

  I have had the most wonderful day. I am so tired now and should really just go straight to bed but I want to write it all down before I forget.

  It started with a private breakfast with Mama, Joseph and my other brothers and sisters, including Christina and Albert, who have their own charming house nearby. It was all very jolly and Mama herself helped me to a cup of hot chocolate and one of my favourite sticky almond pastries.

  After this we went into Mama's sitting room and here I received my presents which included a set of magnificent pearls from Mama and Joseph, a diamond and pink velvet collar for Mops from Amalia, a very pretty set of drawings of Laxenburg and Schönnbrunn from Christina and Albert and other sundry but very lovely things from everyone else. Then the footmen opened the doors and the ambassadors entered bearing gifts of flowers and baskets of fruit. Monsieur de Durfort presented me with a lovely diamond bracelet from his master the King of France and an emissary from Carolina in Naples gave me a beautiful pair of pearl earrings along with a letter from my sister.

  'Well!' said Christina eyeing my splendid gifts rather sourly. 'You have been well and truly spoilt! I do hope that you won't allow your head to be turned by all of this fuss, Antonia!'

  'Of course not!' I replied with my sweetest smile. 'I would be ungrateful indeed, though, if I did not enjoy the honour that everyone is kind enough to show me.' I saw Joseph hide a smile behind his hand and knew that for once I had said just the right thing.

  After this I returned to my room to change out of my yellow silk dress into a pretty white silk one that was embroidered all over with wonderful pink, blue and yellow flowers which had been made for the afternoon party in the gardens. My maids laughed and chattered merrily as they tied a simple string of pearls around my throat, straightened my hair and twisted the long ringlet that fell over my shoulder with their fingers.

  There was a knock at the door, which the footman waiting outside opened to admit Mama, dressed in black shimmering taffeta and accompanied by three fresh faced girls who looked to be only a few years older than myself and a young boy of about nine or ten years of age dressed in pale blue and gold livery. I gaped at her for a moment before sinking into a low curtsey. 'I am sorry, I was not expecting...'

  'That is quite alright my child,' she said, raising me to my feet and kissing me on both cheeks before holding me out at arms length to survey my appearance. 'You look very lovely,' she said at last with a smile. 'I am very proud.' She gestured to the three girls to come forward. 'I bring you another surprise, my dearest one.'

  'Oh?' I smiled at the girls and all three smiled back then bobbed curtseys.

  'It is about time that you had some maids of honour,' Mama said. 'I have selected three of the most accomplished girls from the best families in Austria to wait upon you. They will be your constant companions from now on and will accompany you everywhere.' She led them forward one by one, first the fair one in a yellow silk dress with pink ribbons in her hair. 'This is Lucia.' Then a freckled redhead in a green taffeta gown with a wide red ribbon around her throat. 'This is Anna.' Then finally a pretty, blue eyed brunette in a pink striped dress and green velvet shoes. 'And this is Clementina.' They all smiled again shyly and curtsied.

  'You are all very welcome,' I said with a smile. For as long as I could remember I had had only my maids to serve me, usually handed down from my older sisters so this was indeed progress: my own ladies in waiting!I felt quite grown up. 'I hope that we shall all be friends.'

  My mother smiled then drew forward the boy, who had long strawberry curls and a mischievous smile. 'Also, from now on you will not set foot outside your rooms without a page to accompany you. Your current habit of wandering about unattended and going for walks alone must cease immediately as it will never do to have Versailles hear of it.' She smiled down at the boy, who bowed very low. 'This is Anton. He will also run all of your errands for you and accompany you on state occasions.'

  I knelt down and smiled at Anton. 'Hello, I hope that we will be friends as well.' He did not look as though he needed any kindness though, as he was still smiling and looking about himself with an air of frank and confident self assurance that reminded me of my youngest brothers. I liked him immediately. Liked all of them in fact. It felt good to have more people around me.

  The fete in the grounds of Laxenburg was so much fun: Mama had created a beautiful, bucolic (one of the Abbé's words), country party for me with real sheep (all scrubbed clean and wearing blue velvet bows around their necks) wandering about and very pretty, buxom milk maids pouring out glasses of milk and fresh lemonade. Almost the entire court was there to dance simple country dances on the lawns and eat cream cakes, strawberries and cream and delicious ices out of porcelain bowls. Amalia and I wandered arm in arm through the crowds and nodded and smiled at everyone while behind us skipped my new maids of honour and pageboy, all wide eyed and agog at their first ever court occasion, even such an informal one as this. Anton was especially enjoying himself, he was carrying Mops who was wearing her new diamond collar in honour of the occasion and was happily helping himself to whatever strawberries and cakes he could get his hands on.

  'Are you having a nice time, Antonia?' Joseph was standing before me with his little girl Theresia on his shoulders, dressed in a pale blue silk dress and with a pretty straw hat on top of her long blonde ringlets. She gripped his white powdered perriwig and grinned down at me. 'Hello, tante Antonia!'

  I smiled up at her. 'Hello up there!' I picked out the largest strawberry from the bowl that I was eating from and held it out to her. 'Here, have this!' I smiled at Joseph. 'I am having a wonderful time, thank you. It was very kind of you and Mama to arrange this for me.'

  He released one of Theresia's feet for a second to reach out and pat my shoulder in a kindly fashion. 'Well, we couldn't have Versailles thinking that we don't treat their future Dauphine properly could we?' Joseph looked past me at the trio of maids of honour, who all curtseyed. 'Pretty girls,' he observed.

  As dusk began to fall, I returned to my rooms and my maids helped me change into my wonderful silver dress and pinned diamond stars on to my coiffure. I stared at myself in the mirror while one of them rubbed pale pink rouge onto my cheeks and lips then brushed khol through my fair eyebrows. Finally I insisted upon wearing the diamond earrings that Carolina had sent and I touched them sadly with my fingers as I thought about her. How I wish that she could have been there to enjoy the day with me but of course she has her own parties now to preside over.

  'How do I look?' I asked my maids
of honour, who had all changed into their own finest silk and brocade gowns and were standing in a row behind me smiling shyly.

  'Beautiful,' replied Clementina, the brunette. 'You look like the princess from a fairy story with stars in your hair and in your eyes.'

  We proceeded downstairs to one of the white and gold mirrored galleries, which had been arranged as a dining room for the evening as it was the only room big enough to accommodate so many guests. My brother Joseph, looking very splendid in watered mauve taffeta took me by the hand and led me to a place of honour beside himself and Mama at the very top table, while everyone else stood to attention and watched. I caught Amalia's eye and smiled before I removed my long white silk gloves and sat down.

  The banquet went on for a very long time, with several courses succeeding each other rapidly, each one involving a dazzling and bewildering range of dozens of dishes all served on golden platters and in steaming silver tureens. I was struggling to hide my yawns behind my hand by the end of it but managed to revive myself in time for the grand finale, which was a giant marzipan and spun sugar confection that incorporated the initials of myself and Louis of France. I smiled and applauded along with everyone else to show my pleasure.

  Afterwards we all filed out into the garden where an orchestra was waiting and a polished wooden dance floor had been set up beneath a giant blue and gold silk canopy. It was a beautiful evening, still, warm and fragrant with the scent of lilacs and roses.

  'Shall we?' Joseph was beside me, offering me his arm. 'It is for you to open the ball, my dear.'

  I smiled up at my handsome brother, blushing with pleasure and allowed him to lead me out on to the dance floor. The orchestra began to play a stately minuet and together we moved through the intricate steps that I knew so well while our family and all of the court watched. I thought about the masked ball that Amalia had taken me to and could hardly hide my smile as I compared that occasion to this.

  'Why are you smiling like that?' Joseph asked with a laugh. 'You look like you are up to something.'

  'I was only thinking how very, very happy I am,' I replied, squeezing his hand.

  And now, I should go to bed for it is almost three in the morning!

  Thursday, 22nd June, Schönnbrunn.

  What happens now? I am officially betrothed and yet I feel no different. People treat me with a new deference and I am stared at wherever I go but inside I feel just like the same, foolish old me.

  Joseph has started to come to my sitting room once a week to talk to me about serious topics that he thinks I should be aware of in my new, exalted position. It is terribly, terribly dull and I would much rather sit and chat about the latest court gossip but alas, he only wants to talk to me about foreign policies and wars and all the sorts of things that most make my head hurt. I try to listen, I really do, and I think that sometimes I even nod in all the right places and yet none of it really means a thing to me and I am sure that my brother is very disappointed in my progress and thinks me very stupid indeed.

  Amalia always comes to see me afterwards and we sit together and laugh over cups of hot chocolate, which makes everything seem much better. She will be leaving for Parma in a fortnight but we do not talk about that for it is all just too melancholy.

  Wednesday, 28th June, very late.

  Tonight there was a state ball for the occasion of Amalia's marriage. I was told several times that I looked charming in my new gown of pink and white taffeta with fresh pink roses in my hair. Amalia was wearing the most wonderful dress of green silk with diamonds sewn all over the stomacher but I did not see her smile once all evening which was much remarked upon and led to Mama shooting many angry glances in her direction, which she seemed to be entirely impervious to.

  Karl was not present. 'I am glad that he is not here,' I overheard her angrily mutter to Joseph. 'I am glad with all my heart that he did not come for I could not have borne for him to see me thus.'

  Thursday, 29th June.

  Amalia is to be married tomorrow and will leave us the day after. Clementina and I went to Joseph's rooms and I looked up the journey between here and Parma, running my fingertips across the borders of different countries as I tried to imagine my sister traveling so very far away. And next it will be my turn. I turned the stiff, heavy pages to look at France and tried to imagine myself in a carriage, being carried far, far away from everything that I have ever known.

  'It is far away,' Clementina remarked sympathetically, peering at me anxiously. 'Are you frightened at all?'

  I looked at her, blinking away my tears and forcing a smile. 'No, of course not,' I lied.

  We went out to the gardens after this with Anton running after us with Mops yapping and tumbling at his heels and I talked about Carolina and the silly tricks we had played on the courtiers as we walked arm in arm around the shrubberies, occasionally stopping to sniff at flowers and listen to the bird song overhead.

  I heard their voices just a split second before we turned the corner and came upon Karl and Amalia in each other's arms, kissing and entirely oblivious to everything around them. I came to a sudden halt then immediately began to back away, pulling Clementina with me. 'Do not look,' I gabbled stupidly. 'Do not look, do not tell!' We lifted our silk skirts, scooped up Mops, took Anton by the hand and ran until we were entirely out of earshot and then I thankfully sank down on to a cold marble bench, my legs trembling terribly and my heart pounding painfully behind my boned corset as I hoped and prayed that Mama and Joseph would never hear of this.

  'I don't understand...' Clementina started before abruptly falling silent as I raised my hand to silence her.

  'Antonia?' I turned my head and there was Joseph, his face pale but concerned. He was a little out of breath and had clearly chased after us. 'I am sorry,' he said simply. 'It is all that I can do for her.'

  'You knew?' I stared at him. Clementina put her arm around Anton's shoulders and slowly began to back away before very deliberately turned her back to give us as much privacy as possible.

  My brother nodded and took a step towards me. 'Of course.' He sighed and gave an impatient shrug. 'Do not think me a monster, Antonia,' he whispered. 'I know better than any what it is like to be trapped in a loveless marriage when your heart belongs to another. If there was any way that I could spare any of my sisters that pain, then believe me I would do everything in my power to avert it.'

  I could not believe my ears. 'But you are the Emperor, Joseph! There must be something that you can do?' I was standing now, ready to plead with him for Amalia's freedom. 'You could break the engagement and then allow Amalia to marry Karl! Christina was allowed to marry the man she loved so why should not Amalia also?'

  Joseph laughed bitterly. 'I am Emperor in name only, my dear child. Mama has set her heart on this match with Parma and so it must come to pass.' He smiled then, rather sadly. 'My only comfort is that you at least, Antonia, are not unhappy about the marriage that we have made for you but then you have not been allowed time to attach yourself elsewhere have you?'

  I shook my head, remembering my long ago promise to Amalia not to fall in love. 'No, I have not.'

  I wish that I could though. I am so ashamed of these thoughts but I wish that I could be kissed like that and be loved in the way that Amalia is loved.

  Saturday, 1st July.

  Amalia has gone and it is very quiet here without the sound of her quick, tip tapping footsteps and ever ready trills of laughter in the corridors and salons. I will miss her so much.

  The entire court braved the bright midday sun to gather in the courtyard to see her and Joseph, who is accompanying her to Parma, off. Mama was there in the very centre of the family tableaux as usual, with Elizabeth on one side and Christina on the other, all three looking very imposing in blazing diamonds and heavy silk dresses. I stood to the side with Marianna and the boys, who hopped about, yanked each other's powdered perriwigs and yawned ostentatiously as we waited for Amalia to emerge.

  'Ah, here she comes! The bri
de!' I heard someone exclaim as the great doors opened and Amalia, looking very pale and unhappy in a travelling dress of shimmering rich green silk walked out with one hand on Joseph's blue velvet sleeved arm. She looked at each one of us in turn without smiling then dropped to her knees in front of Mama to receive a final blessing.

  'I wish you every happiness, my child,' Mama said as she raised Amelia from the ground and kissed her on each cheek. 'God be with you.' Amalia did not reply but stepped lightly away then kissed first Elizabeth then Christina before turning to Marianna who she hugged with much more affection and with the sparkle of tears in her eyes.