The Secret Diary of a Princess a novel of Marie Antoinette

by Clegg, Melanie

  Joseph laughed. 'I know just what you mean.' He leaned on his elbows against the wall and breathed in deeply. 'I love this country. There is none so beautiful in all of the world. None so fresh and green and lovely.'

  'Not even France?' I asked with a smile, trying out my new loyalty for size and finding it distinctly wanting.

  'Definitely not.' He looked down at me. 'I hate to see you go,' he said suddenly, his face inscrutable in the moonlight. 'I wish that it had been possible to...'

  I swiftly covered his hand with my own, not wanting to hear his apologies, his explanations. 'I know.' And a silence fell as I thought of our lost ones, of Amalia, Carolina and Josepha and gazed back towards Vienna.

  22nd April, morning, carriage, bump bump bump.

  I have just said goodbye to my brother Joseph, perhaps for the last time ever. It was so sad and I am still crying now as I write this and remember the way his arms felt around me and the kind way that he stroked my hair and kissed my forehead.

  'I will miss you so much, liebchen,' he murmured, smiling down into my eyes. 'I will come and visit you as soon as I can, just try to stop me.'

  'You promise?' I gazed up at him. Perhaps I would not be abandoned after all? Perhaps it would all be alright. 'I will count the days, Joseph.'

  We hugged again and I cried on his shoulder until finally he disengaged himself and lifted me up into my carriage before slamming the door shut on my protests and shouting: 'Onwards to France! Good luck, my darling girl!'

  I watched out of the window as his figure receded from view, watched until he turned and went inside and there was nothing more to see.

  My heart is breaking with all of the farewells.

  24th April, in the carriage, I am so tired and bored.

  When the time came to say goodbye, Mama leaned in and whispered: 'Farewell, dearest child. A great distance will separate us but be just, be humane and imbued with a sense of the duties of your rank and I shall be proud of the regrets which I shall always feel. You have the gift of pleasing others; use it for the happiness of your husband. Do so much good to the French people that they can say that I have sent them an angel.'

  I keep thinking about her words. Will they learn to love me? I have not thought about the French people, only the King and the Dauphin but it now it seems that they must care for me also. What if I fail?

  Wednesday, 25th April, another castle, another town.

  I hab a colb. My nose is blocked and I can't stop coughing despite all the hot honey drinks that Clara and Anna keep on plying me with. The long, endless days in the carriage are taking their toll and we are all bored and discontented with nothing to talk about and nothing to do.

  The people are very welcoming and glad to see us but I do not delight in their cheers and smiles as much as I ought to. I wave and grin and nod as prettily as I can but something is missing. My Abbé sighs sadly when he sees me after each stage and tells me that I am pale and ought to rest more but I am sick of resting and doing nothing and instead spend my nights pacing my chamber with Mops at my heels, restless and unable to sleep.

  How long until we get to France? How long?

  Thursday, 26th April, late, Amalienburg Pavilion at the Nymphenburg Palace, Munich.

  We arrived in Munich this afternoon. I pinned on a happy smile and waved without cease as the carriage bounced over the cobbled streets past thousands of cheering, ecstatic people. We have been on the road for five days now. Five long days. It seems like I left Vienna only yesterday and yet at the same time it already feels so far away. In between stops I lean my head against the padded blue velvet carriage seat and stare listlessly out across the verdant, beautiful landscape as we meander past, seeing nothing and caring even less.

  My ladies whisper together and look at me with concern. They ask me how I feel, pat my hands ineffectually, coo and sigh and flutter about me and pour endless, unwanted drinks which are destined to sit between us untouched and cooling rapidly in the sharp, chill Spring air. I don't have the words to tell them how I really feel right now and they wouldn't understand anyway. I am the princess after all. I am above pain, above sorrow, above regret. I am only fulfilling my destiny and in comparison to other girls, in comparison to them, I am fortunate indeed.

  After all, who wouldn't want to marry a prince and live out their days in a legendary palace? Who wouldn't want all the beautiful dresses, the jewels, the servants? Who wouldn't want the power?

  We are in a palace now, the beautiful white stone Nymphenburg, Summer home of the Elector of Bavaria who is a cousin of my mother (no surprise there as all the crowned heads in Europe are related to each other – even the Dauphin is a cousin of mine) and, disconcertingly, the older brother of poor unlamented Josephina while his wife is the Dauphin's aunt. The Elector and Josephina look so similar that I would have known them for siblings instantly as Elector Max has his sister's melancholy direct gaze and straight nose. I was worried that he might greet me coldly as all the world knows that my brother was not exactly the fondest husband ever but my fears were entirely allayed when I stepped into the lovely, lofty entrance hall and Elector Max, magnificently dressed in crimson brocade, black silk and an abundance of gold strode forward, took me into his arms and hugged me tightly, surrounding me with a clean male scent of lemons and rosemary while his pretty little blonde haired Saxon wife, Maria Anna smiled benevolently upon us both and nodded her head approvingly.

  'You are most welcome,' Elector Max said with a grin, leading me forward to meet his wife, who sank into a low curtsey at my feet, her pale blue silk skirts billowing around her. 'I hope that you will be comfortable here with us.'

  I smiled up at him, reassured and instantly at my ease for who could not be in the face of such warmth? 'I am sure that I will be.'

  The Electress, who is a wonderful little chatterbox and a mine of information about her nephew, my bridegroom, took me to her own rooms to prepare for dinner and discreetly removed herself as I sank down upon the pink velvet coverlet on her bed and wearily closed my eyes while the maids busied themselves around me, pouring out hot water and lavender oil into a porcelain basin, arranging fine linen towels and shaking out the yellow silk dress that I was to wear to dinner that evening.

  'It is so lovely here,' Clementina said with a sigh from her post beside the window. 'I had no idea that Munich was so beautiful! I expected rain and gloom and ugliness but instead there is light and beauty in abundance.' She breathed on the window and traced a rudimentary face with her fingertip.

  I went to stand beside her and gasped at the view across the immense formal garden with its long canal bordered on each side with intricately shaped flower beds crammed full of brightly hued seasonal blooms. Splendidly dressed courtiers wandered about in groups on the wide parterres and as I watched a group of girls laughed and shrieked with delight after getting too close to the huge golden fountain at the very centre of the garden. Josephina had seemed so provincial and dowdy with her plain, dark dresses and un-powdered hair that it seemed ridiculous that she had grown up in the midst of so much splendour.

  'Did the Empress Josephina really come from here?' Anna asked in a disbelieving whisper, almost as though she had read my shamefully irreverent thoughts. 'She was so very austere wasn't she? Do you remember?'

  'Of course I remember!' I snapped. 'It was not so very long ago.' I looked across the gardens that she must once have known so well and now would never see again and understood for the very first time just how miserable and out of place and alienated she must have felt in Vienna. 'Poor Josephina.' I felt a sharp stab of guilt, remembering how carelessly cruel we had all been to her and how meekly she had borne it.

  Before dinner we all donned our hats and shawls and went out for a stroll in the park, with Elector Max himself firmly placing my gloved hand on his crimson sleeve with an avuncular wink and insisting that I allow him to accompany me. I had taken a great liking to him and so was pleased to let him lead me across the parterre and down to the great canal, the
gravel crunching loudly beneath our feet as we walked. A stray stone became caught in my pink silk shoes but I was too polite to pause and remove it and so hobbled on, smiling all the while to mask my discomfort. 'I wanted you to see my view before sunset,' he said, gazing proudly at the vista that unfolded before us and inhaling deeply. 'I always think that it looks its best at this time of the day.'

  'It is very lovely,' I remarked softly. 'You must be so proud.' There were miniature barges and gondolas on the canal, piloted by grinning sailors who waved and shouted at us in Italian as we watched them row. I dread to think what they were calling. 'How delightful!'

  The Elector smiled down at me, evidently pleased with my reaction. 'I know that it could be considered big headed to say so but I truly believe that there is no finer spot in all the World. Versailles itself is nothing to this.' I stiffened a little, already feeling a little defensive of my future home but then relaxed my shoulders as he winked and raised my hand to his lips. 'I mean no harm,' he murmured. 'Let me have my moment.'

  We turned away and made our way back up to the palace. 'I hope that you do not mind but I have arranged for you to spend the next two nights at the Amalienburg lodge in the park rather than the palace itself. It was built for my mother and is quite enchanting so I am sure that you will be very happy there.' He smiled and kissed my hand again. 'I will escort you there after dinner.'

  'You are too kind,' I replied, thinking how unusual this arrangement was and wondering if there was to be a revenge for our treatment of Josephina after all? Perhaps the Amalienburg was damp or full of spiders and beetles? Perhaps it had no roof?

  My fears turned out to be nonsensical of course. After a very delicious dinner with the court and most important grandees of Munich, a small party made up of myself, the Elector and Electress and our closest attendants climbed into small carriages and we were swiftly carried through the darkness to a corner of the park. I couldn't see very much in the gloom as a waiting footman helped me down from the vehicle but there was just enough light to make out a most beautiful pale pink and white single storey pavilion shimmering amongst the trees with tall, shuttered windows, all of which were ablaze with light from dozens of candles.

  'I hope that you will be comfortable,' the Electress whispered with a reassuring squeeze of my hand as we walked inside. 'We could think of nowhere more suitable for a lovely young bride to sleep on her way to her wedding. You are my niece now after all!'

  I nodded, unable to speak as I gazed around in wonderment at the polished marble and wooden floors, the tall gilt mirrors, the beautiful paintings that covered the walls and ceilings and the mass of gold, silver and mother of pearl decoration that covered every possible surface. It was like stepping inside a fairy tale.

  'My father built this for my mother as a present,' the Elector said as he led us all from room to room. 'I think that she would have lived here permanently if she had been allowed.' He paused for a moment in front of a painting in one of the salons. 'Ah, Josephina.' I looked up unwillingly and met her quizzical dark painted eyes. The Elector sighed. 'My poor little sister.'

  'Yes.' I didn't know what to say and trained my gaze upon her pale face, thinking how pretty she had looked in her youth, dressed up in pink, with pearls in her hair and flowers in her hands. What had happened to this smiling girl? What had we done to her?

  'She spoke of you often in her letters,' Elector Max said with a melancholy smile, so similar to Josephina's. 'She was deeply unhappy in Vienna and would seem to have had much to complain about but never failed to comment on how kind you were to her. I think that you must have been her only friend.'

  'I was there when she was taken ill,' I whispered, wishing that I had more to offer him. 'I do not think that she suffered.'

  He nodded and I saw that his eyes were shining with tears. 'I am glad, yes, very glad to hear it. It was hard that she died so far away from home.' He turned to me, his face sad. 'One always hopes of course that any girl sent away will start to look upon their new country as their home and that in time they will become reconciled to their fate but in poor Josephina's case that just didn't seem to happen.' He seemed to realise then who he was talking to and immediately shook himself and patted my hand. 'That won't happen to you though, my dear.'

  'I hope not.' It was too late though. His words could never be recalled and had already taken root in my mind. What would happen to me if I never became reconciled to my fate, never felt at home in France? Would I be as unhappy as Josephina? Would I one day be spoken of pityingly by my family as 'poor Antonia'?

  We hurried away from the portrait and suddenly there he was before us. I was totally unprepared and could only stop dead and stare in open mouthed shock at the portrait that hung on the opposite wall. 'Karl? What is he doing here?' Karl von Zweibrücken looked just as he had done when I last saw him in Vienna, his tawny hair was hidden beneath a formal white wig and his hazel eyes gazed out upon the world with an expression that was at once tender and amused.

  The Elector laughed. 'I forgot that you know my dashing young cousin.' Of course, we are all cousins here aren't we? I might have known that Karl would get in on the act as well. 'He is in direct line to inherit Bavaria one day should myself and our other cousin Karl Theodor be so unfortunate as to die without any heirs.'

  'Let us hope that that never comes to pass,' I remarked rather sourly, thinking of poor Maria Amalia and her undoubted chagrin should the relatively humble son of the Duke of Zweibrücken be elevated to Elector of Bavaria. I had never concerned myself with Karl's lineage but it seemed odd that Mama had not been prepared to take a chance on him.

  'You don't approve of him?' We were walking on now and Elector Max was looking down at me with concern in his eyes. 'I must admit that we are both very fond of him.'

  I did not know how much Elector Max knew about Karl and his dealings with my family and so opted for a neutral shrug and laugh and 'Oh, I like him well enough! I was just surprised to see his painting here, that is all.'

  Karl. I do not know what it feels like to be in love but sometimes I wonder...

  Friday, 27th April, morning.

  I woke up early this morning in the beautiful yellow and silver bedroom of the Amalienburg pavilion, just as the fresh Spring sunlight was beginning to filter between the heavy yellow brocade curtains, spilling over the parquet floor and highlighting the soft motes that fluttered through the air.

  I wriggled my toes beneath the embroidered counterpane then stretched out luxuriously and lay back against the lace edged linen pillows, enjoying the solitude, the peace. In only a few moments the servants would begin their daily routine and their chattering would pierce the spell but for now I could pretend that I was just like any other girl, waking up alone in my bedroom and preparing for the day ahead.

  Of course it wasn't long before there was a gentle knock on the door and Clara poked her head around with a smile. 'Oh, you are already awake! What a lovely day it is! Would you like your breakfast now? Soft rolls and hot chocolate or something else?' Her red high heels clip clopped on the shiny parquet flooring as she went to the windows and pulled open the heavy curtains so that light flooded the room. 'What glorious sunshine! Shall we take a walk in the gardens this morning?'

  I sighed, resenting the intrusion and bustle but not daring to let my smile slip even for a second. 'Yes, why not?' A troupe of maids followed her into the room and began to fuss around me, lifting the pillows, arranging the counterpane neatly over my legs, dusting tables and the finally producing a large silver tray laden with the promised soft rolls, strawberry conserve, curls of butter and a steaming, silver pot of hot chocolate.

  The morning passed very pleasantly. After donning my favourite pink and white striped silk dress we all went out and walked about the lovely formal garden that surrounded the pavilion. I trailed my hands over the sweetly scented roses and lilies and thought how lovely it would be to have a little pleasure palace of my own one day. Perhaps Louis will build me one? Or I could build my o
wn? The Antoniaberg? I must ask my Abbé how that would translate into French. I can imagine Durfort's face should I try to introduce a German sounding building to his beloved Versailles. Which almost makes me want to do it.

  Anyway, I must go. We are spending the afternoon with the Electress and she is apparently keen to talk to me about her elusive nephew. I can't wait!