The Secret Diary of a Princess a novel of Marie Antoinette

by Clegg, Melanie

  'Karl.' I could just make out his pale face in the shadows beneath me. 'What on Earth are you doing here?' I clutched the lovely but rather diaphanous wrap to myself, fully conscious of the impropriety of what we were doing and praying that no one was observing us.

  'I came to apologise,' he whispered so quietly that I had to strain my ears in order to hear him, 'and to say goodbye.' I heard the sound of flower stems snapping beneath his boots as he shifted impatiently. 'Can you come down? I would come up but I fear that it may lead to scandal.' He laughed softly.

  'And my coming down to you won't?' I snapped. It was on the tip of my tongue to refuse him, as we both knew that I should but the hammering of my heart drowned out any last vestiges of sense and I found myself agreeing to meet him. 'I will come down as soon as I can. Wait there.' I ran back into the room and quickly fastened a red taffeta cloak over my nightdress, hiding my fair hair underneath the fur lined hood and then slipping my bare feet into a pair of black leather shoes.

  I felt tremulous with anticipation and excitement and knew that I would have to act quickly before I totally lost my nerve. I opened the door and went out into a long tapestry lined corridor that led to a stone spiral staircase at the far end, which I knew went down to a door leading out to the gardens below. To my intense relief there were no guards on duty and the corridor was entirely empty and silent, lit only by the moonlight that flooded through the high arched windows on the opposite side.

  I took a deep breath then silently closed the door behind me, pulled the cloak close and ran down the corridor as swiftly as possible then down the dark staircase, across the small stone floored vestibule at the bottom, out of the heavy door and into Karl's arms.

  'Let me go!' I pulled back. 'Why did you come here?' He looked very pale and his long tawny hair hung loosely about his shoulders, giving him a wild, disordered look that was most attractive although I did my best to ignore this fact. 'I did not expect to ever see you again.'

  Karl sighed. 'I wanted to say sorry for behaving so badly when I saw you last,' he said somewhat inadequately. 'I had no right to make you feel awkward or to cause a row between you and Joseph.'

  I raised my shoulders defensively, not wanting to talk about any of that. 'You didn't and besides that is all in the past now.' We walked across the lawn to where I knew a small classical styled pavilion stood. 'You don't have anything to apologise for.'

  We stepped into the pavilion and I sat down on a bench beside the window, dreamily gazing out across the moonlight bathed garden and thinking, irreverently, how romantic all of this would have been if only I had not been on my way to marry someone else and Karl had not been my sister's lover. 'Why are you here?' I asked again. 'It is a long way to come just to say goodbye.'

  'Not really,' Karl replied with a grin. 'You have only ever seen me dressed up like a fool at court balls or hanging about your family like some sort of lapdog haven't you? You have not the slightest idea of what sort of man I am really, Antonia.'

  'Oh?' I looked at him now with renewed interest, taking in his mud splattered leather breeches, his elderly boots that had clearly seen many years of service, the crimson fur edged coat with slightly threadbare elbows that he wore with such careless aplomb, the heavy sword that hung from his waist. 'You are a soldier.' It was a statement of fact. He was right; I had never seen him as he really was.

  'Yes.' He came to me then and took my trembling hands in his. 'I am not willing to be a despised plaything to your family any more, Antonia. Do you understand me?' He pulled away and began to pace the floor. 'Your mother thought that I wasn't good enough for Amalia, even though we were in love, even though I would have done anything for her. I offered her everything that a man can offer and still your mother thought it right to sell my girl abroad to some weak little princeling who dresses in a monk's habit and rings bells for fun. What sort of a man is that?' He spat the words out and I cowered back in my chair. 'I was treated like nothing, like a pathetic nonentity.'

  'I am sorry,' I whispered, not knowing what else to say. 'Truly I am.' I wondered if he knew about Amalia's baby then decided not to say anything as, like the coward that I am, I did not want to be the one to tell him.

  'You have been to Nymphenberg haven't you? You have seen for yourself what may with time be mine, what might one day have belonged to your Amalia.' He ran his fingers through his loose hair. 'And yet it was still not good enough for your mother, not good enough for the Austrians.' He turned to me furiously. 'I was not good enough for them. Do you know how that makes me feel?'

  I nodded my head, too afraid to speak. I had no idea what had happened between him and Amalia or what had been said behind closed doors when my mother had made the decision not to let them marry and to send my sister to Parma instead. There was nothing that I could say to reassure him and so I remained silent.

  'She could have been Electress of Bavaria one day,' he whispered. 'That is surely equal to Parma isn't it? None of this should have happened if it wasn't for your mother and her desperate need to be... to be the most expensive pimp in Europe.'

  'What did you say?' I was utterly shocked. Had he really just called my mother that? 'Do not speak about Mama in that way.'

  He had the grace to look a little abashed but forced a laugh and waved his hands about in a show of false bravado. 'Why not? I am only speaking the truth.'

  I stared at him in horror. 'It is absolutely not the truth, Karl! How could you say such a thing? Why do you have to make it all sound so sordid?'

  'If that isn't the truth then why are you sitting here now? Why are you being packed off to France to marry some fat boy that you have never before set eyes upon?' His eyes bored into me and I looked quickly away, squirming uneasily beneath his gaze. ' Your mother is a bawd. You have been sold to the French just as surely as Amalia was sold to Parma and Carolina was sold to Naples and what else would you call a woman who so cynically sells her own daughters off to the highest bidders?'

  'That isn't true.' I forced myself to stand up then. 'I do not like you when you speak to me in this way and so I will leave you now, Karl.' I pulled my cloak about myself with majestic dignity and prepared to leave. 'I bid you farewell. Will you not wish me good luck?'

  He glared at me. 'No.'

  'Very well then.' I took a step towards the door and at that moment he took hold of my hand and pulled me towards him, crushing me against his chest. 'You forget yourself, Karl. Please let me go!' I tried to speak pleasantly, in order to mask the terrible fear that suddenly gripped me. We were totally alone in the pavilion and no one knew that I was here. Anything could happen.

  He stared down into my face and with his free hand stroked the hair away from my face. 'Do you not want to know what it is like to be kissed by a real man before you go to your podgy little princeling?' Karl bent his head towards mine and I caught my breath, half wanting him to kiss me and half wanting to push him away. 'Well?' He smelt of lemons, rosemary and horse sweat and I began to feel quite giddy as his face came ever closer. 'Have you ever been kissed before, Antonia?'

  'No,' I replied truthfully. 'Never.' I closed my eyes for a second and imagined his lips on mine, just as I had done countless times before. 'Who would dare to kiss me?' I opened my eyes then and looked straight at him, knowing that I couldn't let him do this, that I wanted to go to France utterly untouched and as pure in thought and deed as everyone believed me to be. 'I do not want to kiss you, Karl,' I lied, pulling my hand out of his and moving away. 'You were my sister's lover and I am the Dauphine of France. It would not be right.'

  He stared at me in consternation then began to laugh. 'As you wish, princess,' he said with a mocking bow. 'I thought it only fair to give you a chance before you went to your fate.' He took my hand again and lifted it to his lips. 'Are you sure?'

  I smiled and gently pulled my hand away. 'Quite sure.' I allowed myself one last look at his face before I turned away, pulled the hood back up over my head and ran swiftly back through the gardens.

&n
bsp; I know that I have done the right thing although a part of me feels mortified by the hideously priggish manner in which I rejected Karl's kiss. I am sure that at some point in the future I will regret not kissing him when I had the chance but such is life and it would not feel right to me to go to my husband with another man's kiss fresh upon my lips. Maybe I am just being old fashioned though.

  7th May, even later.

  I think that I have made a terrible mistake.

  7th May, morning.

  I am dressed and ready to go. The next time that I update I will be in France.

  Wish me luck?

  7th May, late, Strasbourg, FRANCE.

  I am here. It is done. I am in FRANCE.

  I managed to get only a few hours sleep after last night's adventure before my ladies came into my room, pulled my curtains open and wafted a reviving, delicious smelling cup of hot chocolate beneath my nose. They had all dressed in their finest gowns in honour of this day and looked as fresh as roses in vibrant pink, green and yellow silks.

  'I wish that I could say that it is a beautiful day,' Clara announced with a laugh as she peered out of the tall window dubiously, 'but alas it is pouring down with rain.' She gave a shrug. 'How typical, your Highness, that we should be blessed with sunshine and clement breezes all the way here but on the day itself there should be rain and I do believe the promise of a splendid storm later on.'

  I struggled to sit up in the bed as Clementina rushed forward to plump my pillows and pull them up behind me. 'They won't cancel the handing over ceremony will they?' I asked in some anxiety. It would be simply too awful to come all the way here, get worked up in expectation and then have the 'remise' ceremony postponed just because of the stupid weather.

  Clementina laughed and handed me my hot chocolate and some hot buttered rolls on a silver tray. 'Of course they won't postpone the remise, your Highness!'

  Clara brought over a vase full of softly blooming pink and yellow roses, which she placed on the table next to my bed so that I could breathe in their sweet scent as I breakfasted. 'We are traveling to a very strict timetable and just one day's delay would overset everything,' she said with a smile.

  There were many tears, both happy and sad, as my ladies dressed me for the very last time in my finery then accompanied me downstairs to where my carriage was waiting. My mother had instructed that I should be dressed that day in a formal panniered gown of beautiful pink brocade trimmed with exquisite French lace and pearls. I touched the fine fabric tenderly as I sat before the dressing table and watched my handsome Viennese hairdresser pin up my long hair, coat it with pomade and powder then fasten flowers and pearl pins amongst the curls. It would be the last time that he would do my hair as he was returning to Vienna that afternoon as well, his job complete. We exchanged a sad farewell in front of the mirror and he cried, clutching his silver backed brush to his chest as I handed him a purple velvet bag filled with gold coins in thanks for his services.

  Clara fastened a heavy string of pearls around my neck and slipped a beautiful painted fan into my hand while Clementina knelt before me and pulled a pair of fine white silk stockings up my legs before sliding my feet into soft yellow leather shoes with dear little pink silk pompoms on their fronts. Anna then sprayed me with a lily and violet scent and dabbed more behind my ears, from which pearl earrings swung low, almost to my collarbones and with that I was ready although hardly prepared.

  Anton ran ahead of us with Mops in his arms as we were helped into the waiting carriage and then sat looking sadly at each other as it pulled away. 'I can't believe that this is our last journey together,' I said, struggling not to cry.

  It did not take us long to reach the Île des Épis, a small island situated in the middle of the Rhine almost directly in between the Hapsburg city of Kehl and Strasbourg in France. The carriage clattered across the narrow little bridge and pulled up beside the river and we sat for a moment in stunned and terrified silence before all at once the door was flung open and a group of liveried trumpeters lifted their instruments to their lips and loudly proclaimed my arrival.

  'Mein Gott, mein Gott,' I whispered, reverting to our own language as I clasped Clara and Clementina's hands and prepared myself to jump down from the vehicle. 'I don't think that I can do this.'

  Clementina kissed my hand. 'Of course you can, Antonia!' she said, all formality forgotten as she responded as one girl to another. 'We have come so far and you have done so well. This will soon pass and then before you know it you will be in Versailles and safe in your new life with nothing more to trouble you.' She tenderly stroked my face as the footman holding the door open coughed and discreetly turned his eyes elsewhere while beyond him I could see our Austrian company standing about looking awkward and clearly wondering what was happening in the carriage. 'There is just this one hurdle to overcome before your life can begin.'

  I stared at her. 'I am afraid, so afraid,' I whispered. 'What if they all hate me? What if it all goes wrong?'

  Clementina smiled then and gave my hand one last kiss. 'They won't hate you and it will all be marvellous.' She patted away my tears with her own yellow silk handkerchief. 'Just wait and see.'

  My Abbé appeared at the carriage door, his dark eyes filled with concern as he took in the scene before him. 'Your Highness? Is something the matter?' I could see officious Prince von Starhemberg, who had accompanied me all the way from Vienna, striding forward, shaking his long head from side to side at the irregularity of it all. I knew that he had been sending detailed reports of my behaviour back to Mama in Vienna and so forced a smile on to my face, determined that there should not be anything out of the ordinary for him to observe here.

  'Is there a problem?' He asked now, his eyes gleaming at the prospect of some juicy morsel of gossip. 'Her Highness is now a few minutes late.'

  I smiled and shrugged. 'No problem at all! My shoe was merely caught in my skirt.' I faked a merry laugh. 'I am ready now.' I caught my Abbé's eye and gave a more genuine smile. 'I am sorry if I caused anyone any concern.'

  I jumped down from the carriage and took a deep breath as I placed my hand on the Prince's blue watered silk arm and allowed him to lead me to the small wooden pavilion that had been erected especially for today's ceremony. 'It was at this exact spot that his Highness the Dauphin's mother, the Princess Maria Josepha of Saxony was handed over before the occasion of her marriage,' he said in a lecturing tone. 'Unfortunately the wooden pavilion built for that happy occasion had long since fallen into a state of disrepair and so we were forced to build a new one. It was essential then as now that no offense be caused to either royal house and so hand over was designed to take place exactly between the two. When his Majesty, the King of France's mother, the Princess Marie Adélaïde went to France from her native Savoy, she was handed over on a bridge with the back wheels of her carriage resting in the land of her birth and the front in France so that she stepped out directly in between the two.' He gave a stiff bow. 'It is of the utmost importance that not the slightest offense is offered to either party.'

  I nodded politely. 'How interesting.' I smiled at the large gathering of local dignitaries and faithful Viennese courtiers who waited for me beside the entrance to the pavilion. Only my ladies and the most important would be following me inside and so this would be the last time that I would ever see most of them.

  7th May, even later, did I mention that I am in FRANCE?

  Now, where was I? Ah yes. A sudden chill wind whipped up my pink brocade skirts and frothy layers of fine linen and silk petticoats as we entered the pretty but flimsy pavilion and the wooden door slammed shut behind us. I was led to a small blue painted dressing room with paintings of flowers on the walls, where a large gilt and green silk covered screen stood in front of a magnificent full length mirror.

  'If your Highness would be so kind as to change her clothes?' The Prince bowed and my trio of ladies stepped forward ready to remove my beautiful Austrian dress (which had been made for me in Paris along with all th
e rest of my enormous trousseau) that I had worn for such a short time and replace it with a new ensemble in the French style. Every single item about my person was to be removed and replaced in an act that symbolised my domestic transformation from Austrian Archduchess to French Dauphine.

  My ladies in waiting pulled the pretty shoes from my feet, unrolled the silk stockings, removed my jewels and the pearl pins in my hair and then unlaced my dress and pulled the fine lawn chemise over my head so that for a second I stood shivering and naked before them. 'Oh do hurry up!' I implored with a laugh. 'It is so cold in here!'