by Alice Ivinya
He waved his hand in the air and sighed. “It is nothing that can’t wait a few hours. We seem to be going around in circles with no clear way forward. And call me Jian, please. I thought we were past using titles.” His smile broadened. “In truth I could do with a change in conversation. Something light for once. Something happy.”
I opened my mouth in mock surprise. “You can’t mean you want idle chatter?”
He chuckled. “Spirits, no. Anything but that.”
The silence stretched, and I searched for something to say. Neither of us seemed to know how to breach the space between us. I started a sentence at the exact same time as him, and we both stopped with open mouths before smiling.
He spread out his hands. “Apologies. What were you saying?”
“I was going to suggest we go to the garden, if you could spare the time? You could show me around the parts I haven’t yet explored.” Their garden was small compared to Hava, and I wondered if he would find my words ridiculous, since you could see all of it in under an hour.
He nodded and held out his arm. I looped mine through his, and he rested his hand on top. I was aware of the pressure of each of his fingers, the calluses on his palm, the rigid strength of his arm, and the closeness of his body looming beside me. My heart pounded despite the lazy pace. Please don’t let me mess this up.
“It is only two weeks to the wedding,” said Jian.
“Thirteen days.” I looked down, wishing he had brought up a different topic. “It is unfortunate timing with your brother and the… attacks. If you wish to delay, I’m sure Sybera would understand.”
My stomach twisted. I both wanted more time to get to know him, and feared that if the wedding was delayed, that would also give Elyanna more time to plot against me. If it was indeed her. She wouldn’t be able to touch me once I was Jian’s wife in truth.
He shook his head and his fingers tightened over my hand. “No. It is good to show a united front at times like this. We offer stability and a tangible future.” Silence hung in the air for a few moments as we climbed down a flight of stairs into the garden. The cold wind froze my ears, so I pulled up my fur hood. The snow creaked under our footsteps and small pyramids of white slid from the branches of bushes as we passed. “And I want to marry you.”
I looked at him in surprise at the sudden words. “You do?” I tried not to assume his meaning. After all, I knew he was eager for this to be over and done with so he could return to the Border.
He attempted a smile, but it fell away into an earnest expression. “Very much so.”
“Oh,” was all I could manage. It felt like all the breath had been pushed out of me at once.
His eyes flicked between mine and then he glanced away, suddenly awkward, and I realized how my response might be coming across.
I gave him a teasing smile. “It might mean you have to stand dancing with me.”
“I wasn’t that bad, was I?”
“And your comment on how much you dislike my idle chatter.”
He breathed a short laugh. “You’re always going to hold that against me, aren’t you?”
“I will until you stop walking off abruptly.”
He smirked. “Today I will be your prisoner then in every conversation until you release me.”
I huffed a laugh and my breath misted between us. “I’m not a cruel master. You’ll survive.”
He stopped by a frozen fountain, and I pretended to study the statue of Bula the whale coated in ice. I couldn’t concentrate on anything but him, however.
He took a sharp intake of breath as if preparing to force words out and I tensed. “Elyanna, I am sorry you were forced into this marriage. If you are still truly set against it, I promise I will try everything in my power to release you from the arrangement and send you home safe. You never agreed to take on the role of queen.” He paused, his whole body tense. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “But, if you were still willing…” he paused again and looked into the frozen waters to collect himself. “If you are willing, I promise to try to be a good husband. Just as you said you would try hard to be a good wife and queen and Borderlander.”
I realized I was gaping at him and tried to swallow, but my mouth was too dry.
His eyes rose to mine and pinned me in place. “I didn’t expect you to understand, but I think you do. My first duty will always be to my men. To this country. I have to keep us all safe. We will never have much time for our marriage. But, if you can accept that, I would welcome your help beside me. I am so tired of doing this alone.” His mask was cracking, his eyes tight.
I licked my lips and struggled to find words. This was Jian, the real Jian, finally.
He gave me a sheepish smile and shifted his feet. “I’m not doing a very good job of this, am I?”
I laughed, despite myself and it came out high-pitched and strained. “No, no, I just didn’t expect you to say that.”
He was still looking at me expectantly, seeking a reply. My heart thudded harder. This was his proposal. This was him asking me to marry him, not our parents, not our nations. Jian. And I believed him. I believed he would let me go if I wanted.
Jian couldn’t bear my hesitation and looked away. “I know it’s not an ideal life. I’m not an easy man to like, let alone marry, but…”
I touched his arm to stop him. “Jian, I will marry you.”
His shoulders relaxed and he looked down to his polished boots. He attempted a laugh. “Well I am glad I didn’t have to break that one to Mother. She likes you.”
I pushed a stray strand of hair behind my ear. “She has always been very kind to me.”
He stepped towards me, his hand on his sword hilt. “Hai Rong said you have been jumpy recently as if expecting somebody to attack you. I can understand that after what happened to Falada and seeing the Nameless.” His gaze was fierce and gentle at the same time. “I want you to know you can tell me anything, and I will always do everything in my power to protect you. I have been neglectful of your welfare in the past, but I don’t intend to be in the future.” His gaze was so intensely earnest, it drew me in completely.
“Thank you,” I managed.
He took my arm again and seemed more relaxed as we wandered through the frozen labyrinth of the garden, most of the paths hidden by snow. He talked about his plans for the Western Fort, and I nodded along as I watched his features move with excitement at his ideas coming to life. I realized for the first time how handsome he was. The elegant curve of his jaw. The strength in his neck and broadness of his shoulders. How had I never seen it clearly before?
“Jian,” I started. He had been brave in saying what he had, and I had given him little in return.
“Yes.”
“I am happy to marry you, too. I want to help.”
He grinned and the light behind his eyes caught my heart. I had a sudden terrifying urge to touch his face, stroke his hair, trace his lips.
I looked away hurriedly and tried to calm my heartbeat. We had reached an agreement and an expectation of the future, that was all. We were an alliance. A friendship. But these new emotions were so unexpected, I didn’t know how to act.
A man waved at us from across the garden. It was the stocky figure of Captain Jun. He held a scroll of paper in his hand.
Jian stopped and turned to me. “I should go. Will you release me? Or blame me for running off again?”
I didn’t want this walk to end. I wanted to hear him say nice things and examine the strange feelings in my chest and stomach. But he was the Crown Prince, and no one person could ever have a prince all to themselves. That was our understanding after all. “Will I be able to see you tomorrow?”
He smiled. “I have an early morning meeting with the Farmer’s Guild, but then only drill training until eleventh bell. I’m sure Jun could lead the warmup alone tomorrow. The afternoon meetings with the scouts are more important, I’m afraid.”
“If you’re sure I wouldn’t be in the way. I would like you to show
me how I can be useful.”
He nodded, making his fringe fall across his face. “Come to my reception room at the ninth bell.”
I smiled. “Then I release you.”
He laughed softly then turned to hurry to the captain. I watched his back straighten as he adopted his normal military mannerisms, but he looked over his shoulder at me before disappearing inside.
Jeremiah appeared by my side and I jumped. “I didn’t hear what you were saying, but it appears to me that man has finally come to his senses.”
I elbowed him. “Or lost them. I fear I am becoming an unhelpful distraction from everything he needs to do.
Jeremiah adjusted his sword. “He should never have been so rude to you in the first place.”
I ignored him and glanced at the sun. It was further in its arc than I was expecting. Well, I wasn’t in the mood for walking further, anyway. I turned to head back to my rooms to sew and chat with Ruo. I had a wedding dress to work on.
Maybe everything was going to work out after all.
Ruo had done even more drawings of additions for the dress, and I was happy to follow them all. She had found some exquisite silver thread for the embroidery, and I could only gape at it and hug her. It shimmered even in the dimmest light. Who knew what she had had to do to find something so fine? It looked like it could be all the way from the deserts of Kilamore.
I hemmed the sleeves as the light faded and pictured what embroidery I would put around the edges. I had drawn a dozen images, and I knew I could go on and on designing more and more. Maybe the galloping white horses in Falada’s memory on the sleeves. Then wolves around the neckline to represent Jian, and swans in the skirts to represent me. Or who I was supposed to be anyway. I clicked the needle against my teeth. This was my wedding dress, not Elyanna’s. I would fill it with things I loved. I would sew flowers and mountains and swords and glittering stars. Maybe even a heron to represent Gilava. I had come here for the good of my people and to protect my parents after all. The heron should feature.
Ruo chuckled beside me. “You’ve been getting such a look in your eyes recently, like your imagination has been freed. You are finally thinking about the future.” She reached over and brushed her hand over mine. “You look happy and I’m glad. I trust things between you and Jian are going well?”
I nodded. “We’ve... reached an understanding. He’s been much more attentive recently.”
She gave me a knowing smile. “It was a good idea, going with him to the Border. It showed him you cared and could love what he loves.”
I shrugged. “It was exciting. Until that Nameless, anyway. I still see Tama’ha in my dreams. She was so beautiful, but nothing like Falada.” I trailed off and the sudden sadness caught me unawares.
Ruo shifted in her seat. “Of course she was nothing like Falada. Your Spirit-Horse was pure and noble. Tama’ha is corrupted by forbidden magic. They pretty much all are up there.”
I touched Falada’s silvery mane on my wrist and bit my cheek. I would never see him again, and that felt so wrong. He had always been there for me when my own family had been many miles away. He had been all that had kept me going when I had been young.
Ruo sensed my tone and gentled her voice. “Changying sent me a message just before you arrived.”
I raised my eyebrows. “That was quick. I only spoke to her yesterday.”
Ruo shrugged. “With things like this, you just need to know who to talk to. Stonekeep is not that large, and some people specialize in things that aren’t their business. We have more than enough gossips.” She passed me a list. “These are all the families in the city with Syberan blood.”
I frowned at the messy writing, holding it closer to the candle in the dying light. “There are more than I thought.” There were about twenty families in total, some with six or seven members. Most didn’t have a name attached, just ‘man’, ‘woman’, ‘boy’, ‘girl’, ‘child’ or ‘unknown.’
Ruo nodded. “As I said, many of them are farmers or herdsmen, and many of them come to the city to overwinter with their animals. It can be brutal out there for a few months, and the wild animals get bolder as they start to starve.”
“She didn’t say any were newly arrived from Sybera?”
Ruo shook her head. “These families are integrated, with homes and livestock. The maid you fear isn’t here. If newcomers arrived from Sybera, the guards would have taken them in for questioning on the spot. Captain Jun is eager to find out what those dead soldiers were doing. It is almost impossible to communicate with Hava this late in the year.”
I put the list to one side, wondering if I was being foolish. But somebody had killed Falada, and Elyanna had always wanted to be a queen.
“Tell Changying to find out more, can you? If she doesn’t mind?”
Ruo sighed but nodded. “If it puts your mind at rest, child.”
I smiled at her. “Thank you. I really do appreciate it.”
We sewed until it became too dark and Ruo stretched to pop her back. “You should get an early night, Princess. There are still bags under your eyes. It would be good for you to see the Queen again tomorrow. If you are going to one day take her place, she will be an invaluable teacher.”
“I’m seeing Jian at ninth bell.”
Ruo gave me a knowing smile. “I’ll tell the Queen you’ll join her for breakfast at eight then. She exercises before then, and believe me, you wouldn’t be able to keep up with her.”
I nodded, even though I wished I could concentrate on seeing Jian. Ruo was right. I had a lot of things to learn.
I knocked on the Queen’s door and waited to be let in. A maid opened it from the inside, and I smiled to her in thanks. Queen Fei looked like she had just washed. The fire was blazing, and her hair was wrapped up in a towel. She wore a simple navy woolen dress with a wide leather belt and sleeves that whispered along the floor. Leaning against the wall, as if it had not yet been put away, was an ornate spear with engraved metal all the way down the shaft. It looked heavy, and I wondered if it was hers or the King’s.
“Come, Elyanna, sit.” She patted the space on the couch next to her.
I walked over to the fire and sat down next to the Queen. She looked at the large silver disks in my ears.
“They suit you. It’s nice to see you enjoying some of the Borderlander customs.”
I smiled and touched the smooth cool surface of one of the disks. “I love them. They’re so simple yet elegant.”
The Queen folded her legs and leaned back. “Do you know where they originate from?”
I shook my head. I hadn't realized they had any symbolism or history.
Queen Fei looked into a fire. “There is a myth amongst our people of the Old Days when the Old Blood was at war with the newcomers from across the sea. It is set at the climax of the war when the Old Blood accepted they would have to change their way of life and live alongside their enemies in order for there to be peace. Too many on both sides had died, even though the newcomers only became more numerous. But some of the Old Blood didn’t see this as an option. They found us too destructive and believed too much that is important in the world would be lost. So they turned to the old forbidden magic in the earth and became monsters.” Her eyes met mine. “You know all this already, I assume?”
I nodded, eager to hear more.
“Well, some Spirit-Beasts were torn and sought out a middle way. They wanted to dabble in the magic enough for it to make them strong, but not enough for it to corrupt their bodies. They wished to still live among us and rule both Old Blood and new. They wanted power without the sacrifice all power requires. But that in itself is the mark of a monster.”
I shifted in my seat trying to glean the meanings behind her words.
“The Borderland women started to wear mirrors dangling from their ears. You see no beast is interested in its own reflection. They only care if they think it is another animal, so they never see themselves. The Old Magic changes the user physically. They becom
e stronger, larger, more terrifying, but it starts to prize away the soul. Beasts can see souls in ways none of us humans can. Beasts who had been tempted to dabble would look in the mirrors and see their souls trying to flee and would be too scared to ever use it again. Either that or they would flee north to hide what they were becoming.” The Queen reached over to a low table and took a sip of wine. “Or so the legend says. So all the corrupted Spirit-Beasts hide beyond the mountains, where they can forget what they once were.”
I tapped one of my earrings again. “I like that story. I suppose it applies to humans too.”
The Queen raised a perfectly sculpted eyebrow.
“Nothing reminds us who we are and what we’re willing to go through more than looking in a mirror. These earrings are a reminder to take care of what you are becoming.”
The Queen gave me a pleased smile. “And the danger of seeking power. All of us have a monster within. We must never let it out.”
I looked down at my hands on my lap thinking of Elyanna. Was that what she was? A human monster? Just with none of the outward signs that Tama’ha had borne. And she had never fled from her reflection.
There was a clink as the Queen put down her wine, and I looked up. She pulled the towel from her head and shook out her hair in front of the fire. It was impossibly long and thick for a woman of her age. “That is enough of serious talk. I wish to talk to you about Jian.”
My mouth dried. “Jian?”
The Queen reached over and took both my hands in hers with a warm smile. “I don’t know how you managed to gain his approval, but I’ve not seen my son so peaceful in years as he was last night. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for being patient with him and seeing past his mask.” Her eyes creased with emotion. “After Feng, his sister, died, I thought he’d always do everything alone. Never let himself get attached to any individual. He was in such a bad place for months afterwards. Nobody could reason with him, and he destroyed his living quarters. He slept on the cold stone floor of his room, surrounded by the splinters of his bed, but wouldn’t let us repair it. I think he encased his heart and emotions with metal so he could never feel such pain again.”