Finding You (Finding You Series Book 1)

by Amanda Mackey

  Smiling, I took his hand and we soared onto the dance floor, where he took me in his arms, maneuvering me like a professional. All and sundry had stopped to stare, exposing us both. Normally, I wouldn’t have dared do something to put myself at the center of attention but I felt like I’d truly stepped into another world, giving me the freedom to be bold and daring. It felt magnificent to sink into the moment, without any inhibitions. My past was soon forgotten as I twisted and turned, trying not to step on Kyle’s toes. It had been years since I’d danced. I’d forgotten how much I adored it.

  Not that I was great by any means but I felt like I had some sort of rhythm. Kyle was a great dancer and I wondered if there was anything he couldn’t do. Muscles ripped under his shirt as he moved. God, he could move. He swung me from left to right, staying close, watching me the whole time, clearly having a ball as he laughed when I occasionally fumbled, as I was obviously out of practice.

  I could feel the heat roaring off him as he grabbed both my hands, pulling me in close before pushing me out again and then twirling me. I couldn’t help but laugh along with him, enjoying everything about the evening, trying to remember when I’d ever had so much fun.

  As a slow song chimed out, it gave us a chance to catch our breaths. I rested my chin on Kyle’s shoulder and felt a rush of hot blood sear my cheeks as his hand tightened around my waist. His muscular torso was pressed tight against my breasts, my hands draped casually around his neck. So much for just having dinner! There was no logical reason why it felt so right; it just did. I wanted to stay in the moment, to feel his gentleness surround me. Through his tight shirt, I could feel his heart beating to the same rhythm as mine. It was like we were one entity. I couldn’t feel my own body begin or end. I closed my eyes and let him take me to the stars.

  When the song ended we walked off the floor to an ovation of clapping and cheering. Kyle comically bowed as if he had been putting on a show while I looked to the ground, spiraling back to reality as I followed him to our table, a little mortified now that the moment had ended and been captured by so many.

  Kyle led me to the door, grinning wildly as the audience settled down. He had loved every minute of the attention, taking it in his stride.

  “I can’t believe I did that!” I laughed, allowing myself to get pulled outside.

  Kyle stopped, keeping his hand in mine. “What? Dance?”

  “Uh, yeah. Dance in front of so many people.”

  “You’ve never danced in front of people? Ever?” He looked perplexed. “Not even at clubs?”

  “Well, of course! That was different. We were the only ones on the dance floor. Everyone was staring!”

  Kyle reached out to touch my face gently. “Did it make you uncomfortable?”

  “Funnily enough, no, which is what really surprises me. I never would have done that back home. It’s like I’ve turned into a different person since arriving yesterday. It was actually a lot of fun.”

  “Well good. I certainly enjoyed having such a gorgeous dance partner.” His thumb moved in circles on my cheek, feeding the blush I was sure had stained my face. “You dance really well.”

  “Thank you. It’s been years.”

  As if he could sense that part of me that was cloaked in uncertainty and neglect, he simply stood watching me with kindness, not taking the conversation any further. His warm touch was something so foreign and new that I couldn’t help but lean into it, basking in it. Craving it. And yet, I still felt guilty—I didn’t deserve such tenderness and shouldn’t be letting him touch me.

  All too soon, Kyle looked at his watch. “I have an early start tomorrow and the producer will get extremely annoyed if the star of the show doesn’t appear. I’ll walk you back to your hut if you’re ready to leave.”

  I admitted to feeling a little tired after all the dancing and agreed to leave also, although I tried to hide my disappointment. I knew that once I was back alone in my hut my mind would revert back to its former negative self and try to give me all the reasons why I shouldn’t be doing this.

  The moon was full and the stars twinkled brightly like pieces of glitter against an endless backdrop. The clouds had all disappeared, making everything seem clean and clear. The lights around the path led to right outside my cabin, where I unlocked the door and turned to Kyle.

  “Well, I guess this is goodnight. I had a wonderful time tonight.”

  “Me too!” he agreed, his voice raspy, eyes asking a silent question I knew I wasn’t ready to answer.

  His expression changed as he became more serious. I knew that look and what it represented as my head went into a tailspin, causing me to feel overwhelmingly panicked.

  With his face moving closer, knowing he was going to kiss me, a switch flipped in my brain. A vision of John pushing himself onto me caught me off guard. Primal instinct kicked in, forcing me to pull away. Hauntingly familiar goose bumps prickled my skin.

  His heavy breath followed me as I turned my head. Unable to make eye contact, I muttered, “I’m really tired. I have to go.”

  It was all I could come up with as I thought I might suffocate.

  I turned on my heels and ran into the cabin, slamming the door behind me before he could see the tears cascading down my cheeks. Leaning against the door, my body crumpled to the floor as I sobbed uncontrollably. Even when he was thousands of miles away, the very image of my ex-husband’s face brought me to my knees. He was still controlling me. Or maybe it was a case of me letting him. His haunting presence would be etched into my soul for a long time to come.

  Hearing Kyle’s footsteps walk away from the cabin in defeat made me ache. When they had disappeared altogether I yelled at the top of my voice, looking at the ceiling in the hope that some higher force may be able to help.

  “Arrrrgghh! You asshole! Get out of my head! We’re not even together anymore and you’re still coming between me and happiness. Go. The. Hell. Away!” I gripped my head in both hands, feeling deflated and alone. The evening had been the best in my entire life. It was the first time I’d felt comfortable in another man’s company in such a long time.

  Why couldn’t I just kiss him and push away the images of John? I wanted to, didn’t I? Has my ex screwed me up so much that I won’t ever be able to kiss another man? How stupid must Kyle think I am? He’ll never want to see me again. I’ve completely blown it, big time. I didn’t care that I was talking to myself as I rubbed my face.

  At the start of the night, kissing Kyle had been the last thing on my mind but as the night progressed and I got to know him a little more, I realized he was exactly my type. I was attracted to him. It appeared he was attracted to me. He hadn’t been going to take advantage of me. All he wanted to do was end the night with a goodnight kiss and I had fled. What the hell was wrong with me?

  In the solitude of the cabin, I let my heart bleed. My body shook as I curled in on myself. The unfairness of it all. Falling for such a creep all those years ago. Marrying him even though my parents had warned me against it because they had seen something in John I hadn’t. Allowing myself to suffer for so long, giving away all my power to that creature. How had I allowed it? Did I think so little of myself? God, I was such an idiot.

  The new emotions I was feeling about Kyle already felt like they were being robbed from me.

  I’d let my guard down tonight and now as apprehension ripped into me, I felt confused and lost. I rested my head on the timber floor, lying on my side, knees pulled in to my chest, wishing the answers would come.

  Hearing a knock at the door, I didn’t want to answer it for fear it was Kyle. I didn’t think I could face him after the way the night had ended so abruptly. He’d probably come back to tell me he never wanted anything to do with me ever again. I couldn’t blame him.

  “Hello, Dakota? It’s Ramah! Are you okay? I was walking past and heard you screaming. Can I come in?”

  “I’m all right. I’m just feeling a little sick. I think I ate too much at dinner.” I hoped the woman didn�
��t hear my strained voice as I tried to subdue my sobs.

  For a minute there was silence and I thought I got rid of her but she knocked again. “Come on, honey. Open the door. You don’t sound all right. You sound upset.”

  Damn! I really didn’t need this. Someone discovering that I was really an emotional wreck and having to explain why.

  “Go away. I’ll be fine.” It was a little rude but I really didn’t feel like company.

  Ramah was obviously not being deterred, though.

  Listening, I heard the handle turn and realized I hadn’t locked the door. I tried to sit up and reach for the lock before the door opened but I was too late.

  Ramah pushed her way in, a look of surprise and concern on her face as she quickly moved to where I sat. She was comforting me in seconds.

  “Whatever is the matter, Dakota? Did you collapse?”

  “No.” I barely got the word out. “I just…”

  “I saw you leave the restaurant with Kyle. Did he do something to you?”

  Thinking about Kyle made the tears flow again. “No. He didn’t.” I sobbed into Ramah’s shoulder as she held me on the floor. “He…he did everything r-right. We had a perfect evening together.”

  I stopped to gasp a breath of air, feeling embarrassed that I was blubbering like a child on someone’s shoulder I had only met the previous day.

  “Whatever has got you so upset, then?”

  “I…ruined everything. I’m so screwed up.”

  “Come on. Let’s get you off this floor and onto the bed, then you can tell me everything.”

  I didn’t know how much to share as I let her pick me up and help me over to the bed. She sat down next to me, taking both my hands in hers. I briefly looked at her face through tear-stained eyes and saw her nod to me as if to continue.

  “He was about to kiss me goodnight…I wouldn’t let him. I feel terrible.”

  “Well, dear, what was the matter? Didn’t you want him to kiss you?”

  “Oh Ramah,” I wailed louder. “I’m not who you think I am. I’m here on this island to mend my heart after living with an abuser all of my married life. He almost killed me, so as a gift, my parents paid for this trip to help me heal. I came here not to find romance but to find myself again.” I wiped my tears away with the back of my hand, needing a tissue to wipe my nose. “Would you mind grabbing me a tissue off the table?” I asked, pointing to the small side table next to the two-seater sofa under the window.

  “Sure.” Ramah picked up the box and brought it back to me.

  I wiped my face and gathered myself together before continuing, “I’m so scared. I’ve been hurt before. Really hurt by my ex-husband. I know it was just a kiss with Kyle, but after the wonderful night we had, I’m afraid that if he kisses me and I let myself feel anything, I’ll end up getting hurt again. I mean, I do feel something already…” I blurted, leaving a huge chunk out that would only horrify Ramah. There was no point in letting her in on all the gory details when I’d probably already told her too much. I’d never spoken about it to anyone other than my parents and closest friends.

  Ramah held me for a few minutes not saying anything, just comforting me, rubbing circles on my back.

  When my sobs eased somewhat, Ramah spoke. “My dear Dakota. I could tell there was much sadness in your eyes and your heart. I sense these things. You don’t need to feel afraid or ashamed of where you have come from. I’m so sorry that you’ve been hurt before. I’m lucky to have a man who adores me. You can’t let this spoil the rest of your life, though. If you don’t let it go now, here on this island, where you are able to, you will carry it with you forever. It will make you bitter and resentful of all men. Sometimes you just have to trust your gut instincts and allow nature to take its course. Kyle is a wonderful person and I think he’s realizing that you are, too. I saw the way he looked at you this evening. He couldn’t tear his eyes away. My dear, it would be a sad shame if you let your past determine your future happiness. You need to open yourself up to the possibility of a wonderful time here on this island with a wonderful man. Let go of your hurt. You are safe now.”

  “It’s so hard…”

  “I know. You deserve to be happy, though. You deserve all the good things in life. You’re beautiful and it would be such a waste if you didn’t have that special someone show you just how much. Who knows where one kiss will lead, but if you don’t find out, you’ll rob yourself of any chance at happiness.”

  I knew Ramah was right. The pain would continue if I let it. The only way to let it go was to face it head on and move forward. I was worthy of love. I wanted to find someone special, and whether or not that would be Kyle didn’t matter. The next man that came along would be incapable of reaching me. It had to stop right here and right now. I couldn’t let John win.

  I hugged Ramah again long and hard and drew on some of her strength. Everything would be okay. It had to be.

  “Now,” added Ramah, taking control of the situation. “I happen to know where there’s a confused young man, sitting on the sand down at the water’s edge. Go and apologize and say good night properly.”

  Feeling like a child being given instructions by a parent, I stood up and pulled myself together, walking over to the mirror on the closet to check and see what I must surely look like after my meltdown.

  “But what do I say to him?”

  Holy crap! My eyes were swollen and my cheeks were blotchy. Not to mention the hair around my face had mixed with my tears and now clung to my temples like jagged claws. I listened to Ramah’s answer as I dug into my cosmetic bag to apply some concealer and fresh foundation and mascara.

  “Just tell him the truth. If you don’t want to go into great detail, then just let him know you’ve been hurt in the past and you panicked when he went to kiss you. Honesty is the best policy.”

  Where did Ramah get such wisdom? I hardly knew this woman giving me advice, yet in the short time since my arrival, we had bonded. She really cared and wanted to help. I was so grateful for that.

  Pulling my hair back and re-tying it, I guessed I was as good as I was going to get tonight.

  I walked over to Ramah and gave her a hug. “Thank you. I really mean it. I don’t open up to many people, especially strangers, but you’ve helped a lot.”

  Ramah squeezed me tight. “You’re very welcome. If you need me for anything, just let me know.”

  I nodded, pulling away and slowly opening the door. Letting my eyes adjust to the darkness outside, I noticed a lonely figure sitting on the sand. His eyes were fixed on the dark horizon as I approached. He didn’t hear me until I was all but upon him as he turned and looked up to where I stood. “Hey! I was starting to wonder if I’d ever see you again.” He held his hand out and I took it, sitting down beside him. “I’m so sorry! You looked so pretty under the moonlight that I just really wanted to kiss you good night. I messed things up, didn’t I?” He turned to face me and as he spoke he touched my arm gently with his other hand.

  Pangs of regret washed over me as I felt his tender fingers. I needed to make things right.

  “No. You didn’t mess things up and I’m the one who’s sorry. I didn’t mean to leave you standing there. It’s just…” Not sure what to say next and with the silence extending beyond the feeling of comfort, I looked up and into his eyes.

  God, he’s beautiful! I can’t think, damn it.

  Just before I opened my mouth to give a somewhat lame excuse, he pulled me close and tenderly kissed me, determined not to let me get away a second time. The gentleness of his lips took my breath away as I let myself fall into his safe and comfortable embrace, Ramah’s words playing over in my head.

  It was almost like we’d been here before, but I soon realized that it had only been in my mind’s eye. His caresses washed over my hurt, not moving it but placating it.

  I’d wondered what this moment would feel like: a kiss that wasn’t filled with loathing and disgust. A kiss that felt so warm and encompassing, I felt I�
��d died and gone to heaven. This time John’s menacing scowl was nowhere to be seen.

  I moved my hand up to fondle his head, feeling his buzz cut under my fingers. I was responding and not fighting him off this time, so Kyle let the kiss naturally deepen as he held my limp body against his. The gentle ebb and flow of the ocean carried away my insecurities as I gave myself to the moment.

  I inhaled his scent as we finally came up for air. “See, there’s nothing to be afraid of. I’m not going to hurt you. You are so beautiful.” Tenderly he stroked my face, outlining my features with the tips of his fingers. Forgetting even my name, I slowly lifted my face back around so my lips brushed his. Playfully, his tongue found mine, teasing it ever so slightly at the tip before his full lips crushed mine, locking on, kneading rhythmically. It was the best kiss I’d ever had even though I didn’t have a great deal to compare it with.

  Sensations of euphoria swirled and curled in my stomach and chest, causing me to press my whole body tightly into his. It seemed to fit like a glove against his athletic physique. I could hear his breathing against my own as I offered more of myself.

  And then he stopped.

  Now it was my turn to look surprised. “What?” was all I could mutter, afraid that the kiss hadn’t been up to scratch, after all, I could very well suffer in comparison to the throngs of women he’d surely kissed.

  “Nothing! Absolutely nothing! In fact if I don’t draw myself away now, I think we’ll end up spending all night out here on the sand and I really, really have to get some sleep so I can get to the set on time and actually remember my lines—although after tonight, I’m going to have a hard time doing that anyway.”

  I was so proud of myself. Bold, new territory had been chartered tonight and I felt like I’d conquered Everest. I was soaring to new heights. It had been over and above what I thought it would be and my earlier meltdown now seemed insane.

  Respecting Kyle’s genuine excuse to get up early for work, knowing he had wanted to get going straight after the restaurant, we straightened our ruffled clothes and wiped the sand from our arms and legs before turning towards each other.