by A. D. Ellis
“No, I feel like I need to. It’s not like me keeping it on is going to bring her back.” His words were heavy as he removed the ring and laid it gently on the tray. Turning to me, Kade glanced down at my hands. “What did you do with your ring? Do you still wear it?”
I held up my hand, looking at the pale strip of skin where my wedding ring once lived. I smiled at the thought of how happy Deacon and I had been to place those rings on each other’s fingers. But, during his illness, we’d had plenty of time to talk and prepare. Deacon had made me promise to not be “too sad.” He’d made me promise I’d move on and love again.
Before Deacon’s health took its final turn for the worse, he held my hand as he rested in his hospital bed and traced his finger over my wedding ring. His own ring was at home[PC38], long ago removed for lengthy hospital stays and to avoid the discomfort of swollen fingers.
“Bury me with our rings, okay?” he’d whispered.
When I’d started to protest, he’d shushed me. “Whether it’s sooner or later, I want to be buried with our rings. I don’t want you moping around wearing a wedding ring when your husband is dead and gone. You know you’ll never pick up anyone if they think you’re married. Or, you’ll pick up someone totally not worth your time if they hit on a married man.”
I had laughed at his logic and let the subject drop, hoping beyond hope that removing my ring would be something I thought about years and years later. But, hope wasn’t on our side, and I’d removed my ring one final time and placed it alongside Deacon’s ring in his casket.
Breaking from my memories, I shook my head slightly. “Deacon wanted to be buried with it, so I took it off the day of his funeral.”
“Can I ask why he wanted that?” Kade cocked his head to the side.
“Said he didn’t want it holding me back from moving on when I was ready.” I smiled and shrugged. “Guess it was his way of making sure I didn’t stay sad for too long.”
“Do you feel ready to move on? I mean, when is it ever the right time? Too long, not long enough. How do you decide you’re ready to give your heart to another person?”
I thought about the question for a moment. “I think it feels right when it feels right. And, I think you know you’re ready to give your heart to another person when you no longer want to be sad and alone. I’ll never love someone else the exact same way I loved Deacon, but he taught me that I can love someone else in a different way.”
Kade looked guilty, biting his lip as if holding back something he wanted to say.
“What?” I asked.
“Nothing,” he hedged.
“No, tell me. It’s good to talk about these things sometimes.”
“I guess I was just thinking about the next time I give my heart to someone…” Kade’s voice seemed unsure.
“Yeah?” I prodded.
“Next time, I hope I get that once in a lifetime love. I loved Steph, and I’d never change anything because I wouldn’t have Myles and Evan, but in truth, we didn’t have the amazing, fabulous love that so many people dream of. I know not every love is like that, but I’d like to find someone to share something special and spectacular with.” Kade shrugged, a blush creeping up his neck.
“You will. That perfect love is out there for you.” I slapped him on the back before grabbing hangers and helping him hang up his shirts while he folded his pants and jeans and arranged his clothes in the dresser drawers.
~*~*~*~
The rest of the weekend was spent setting up chore schedules for Kade and me along with the two older boys. We made plans for school pickups and drop-offs, and started a list for groceries and meals throughout the week[PC39].
Sunday, the six of us went bowling after church, ate lunch at our favorite local Italian place, and spent the rest of the day at the lake. The days were warming, school would be ending soon, and I found myself as excited about summer break as the boys.
Chapter 6
Kade
The school year came to an end about the time the boys and I had been living at the lake for almost a month. The transition had been mostly smooth, and Cam and I found we worked very well as a team. For the first couple weeks, I treated our living there as if we were guests. But, Cam sat me down for the first of many chats.
“Kade, this isn’t a bed and breakfast and you aren’t a guest in my home. No more asking if it’s okay if the boys take a bath or if they can have a snack. This is our home. I want you and the boys to be comfortable.” Cam’s words weren’t harsh, but I knew he’d meant what he said.
“Okay, I appreciate that. It’s hard, I don’t want to overstep,” I’d begun. When Cam had started to protest, I held up my hand. “Just let me know if I ever cross the line.”
“Deal.” Cam had agreed.
The boys and I settled in much more after that discussion, and I had to admit our whole arrangement seemed to be going well.
I hadn’t heard from Steph or my attorney, although I knew from a visit to the house that she had taken all of her remaining items. I had the locks changed and started preparations to rent the house. What I wished I had prepared for a little more was the reaction of local friends to my new living arrangement.
Either I hadn’t been listening or the rumor mill kept itself pretty hush-hush. But, the night of Cam’s annual “Welcome to Summer” bonfire, I heard more than I cared to.
After checking on the boys and the local neighborhood kids to make sure they weren’t at the water by themselves or they had a trusted adult with them, I grabbed a beer and headed toward the bonfire to shoot the shit with some long-time buddies.
“He found himself a fuck buddy pretty quickly.” Craig’s words and the resulting laughs echoed in my ears.
“Yeah, husband’s barely cold in the ground before he’s getting his hands on another dick. Guess he couldn’t stand not having a hard one to ride.” A man I barely recognized agreed and more laughter abounded.
“Never thought I’d see Kaden Ramsey turnin’ gay. Must be why that wife of his left. Needed to find a real man, not a butt-fucker.” Craig’s words registered and sent hot anger straight through my core. I downed my beer as the next comment was made, but I’d already made up my mind what I was going to do.
“I mean, I ain’t gonna judge. If Ramsey wants to pack some fudge, it ain’t hurtin’ me none,” Jared, a man I’d considered a decent friend and golf partner, chimed in. “I’m just sayin’, the whole gay thing ain’t my thing, man. Why can’t they just be friends? And what’s it doing to their boys? Don’t seem right to me.”
“Gentlemen,” I spoke from behind them and felt a satisfied spark travel through me when they all turned to face me, their faces pale with fear. “You know what I don’t think is right?” I spoke, using Jared’s words. “I don’t think it’s right that a man would lose the love of his life to cancer. I don’t think it’s right that two young boys would lose their father. I don’t think it’s right that a woman would cheat on her husband and leave her two sons without so much as a second thought.”
I had stepped closer and closer while I spoke. Lowering my voice so as not to call attention to myself, I continued, “I also don’t think it’s right that local friends and neighbors, those who have offered their support through a rough time, would speak ill of men who are supposedly their buddies.” I spit on the ground before running my hand along my jaw as if I was thinking. “In fact, I’d call it downright rude that any man worth his salt would show up for free food and free drinks and sit around a fire spreading more gossip than any quilting bee ever hoped to have.”
None of the men spoke, all of them had found something very interesting to study on the ground. I wasn’t wasting my time, or the evening’s celebrations, on the idiots any longer than I had to.
“I’ll leave you boys with one more thought. Any person, man or woman, would be lucky to have Cam in their life. What’s more, I consider myself damn lucky that Cam and I are friends and work so well together as a team. We’re there for each other a
nd, most importantly, we’re there for our sons. If you all can’t accept that, maybe you should keep your homophobic asses home.”
I shook my head in disgust before walking away. I stopped abruptly when I almost ran over Cam. I glanced at his face to see how much he had heard. Cam’s features were guarded, closed off, so I simply nodded and continued on my way.
It wasn’t until several hours later, after the guests had gone home, the party had been mostly cleaned up, and the boys were in bed, that Cam addressed the elephant in the room.
As we collapsed onto the deck’s lounge chairs so we could watch the last of the bonfire burn out, Cam cleared his throat and I waited.
And waited.
“Spit it out, man,” I mumbled.
“Why didn’t you deny it?” Cam gestured out into the darkness.
“Deny what?” I was truly confused.
“That you and I are in some sort of relationship?” Cam raised his voice.
“I don’t know. That didn’t seem to be the important point at the time.” I shrugged.
“So it doesn’t bother you that most of the town will now start thinking you’re gay and fucking me?” Cam asked.
I paused and thought about what he said. “Guess I hadn’t thought about it.”
“And now that you’re thinking about it?”
“Doesn’t bother me,” I said simply[PC40].
“How can it not bother you that people think you’re gay?”
“Does it bother you that people think you’re gay?” I returned the question.
Cam all but shouted, “I am gay!”
“Okay, does it bother you that people think we have something going on?” A brief thought traveled through my mind. How would I feel if Cam and I actually did have something going on?
“No, not really. I mean, I didn’t like the things the guys said about me moving on so quickly and all of that. But, mostly, I didn’t like the implications they made about you. If all of that is too much, I’ll understand if you and the boys want to move out.” Cam spoke softly.
“Do you want us to move out?” I hoped the answer was no.
“Not at all, but I don’t want to put you in a difficult situation,” Cam said.
“Nah, I like what we’ve set up. It works for us and the boys are happy. That’s all that matters to me.” I said with finality before taking a sip of my water.
We sat in comfortable silence for several moments. Sounds of the night mixed with the whispered crackle of the dying fire. Before I knew exactly what I was saying or why I was saying it, I blurted out words I’d never shared with another living soul. “I had a crush on a guy when I was in high school.”
And then the two of us sat in stunned silence. I missed the comfortable, friendly silence we’d had only moments before. I wanted it back. I wished I could reach out and pluck the words I’d spoken from the air.
Cam stared with wide eyes for what seemed like an eternity. I almost laughed as I imagined the different responses that were likely thundering through his head. Finally, he decided to put me out of my misery and I appreciated him keeping his response as straightforward as possible.
“No shit?” Cam’s eyes widened.
I chuckled at the question. Leave it to Cam to take a pretty monumental announcement and keep his words as nonchalant as possible.
“So, tell me about him.”
“Senior year. We were on the same basketball team. He was beautiful, and the fact that I could think that about a guy scared the ever-loving shit out of me.” My mind traveled back to Sam.
Cam sat quietly, perhaps waiting for me to continue.
“When I really forced myself to think about my feelings, I realized I found several guys attractive. Sam…I don’t know, something about him just hooked me. He was gorgeous, but he also had this presence that made everyone want to be around him.”
“Did you ever tell him?” Cam asked.
“Nah, once I admitted to myself that I likely had some bi-sexuality or at the least some bi-curiosity, the basketball season was over, I met my next girlfriend, and that was that. School ended, I prepared for college, and I shoved the feelings to the back of my mind.” I wondered about the words even as I said them. “Honestly, dating girls was easier than even contemplating what it meant that I found guys attractive. So, I took the easy way all the way.”
“Until?” Cam prodded.
“I guess until tonight,” I stated with a shrug. “I don’t know. As a teenager, the thought of anyone knowing I liked guys scared me to death. I barely understood who I was, who I wanted to be, I didn’t have the emotional strength to take on my sexuality, as well. Since I liked girls, too, I went with that.”
“But tonight?” Cam leaned forward.
“Tonight I realized I am who I am. Take me or leave me. It made me angry that those guys would talk down about you or me. But, it didn’t make me want to run away or take the easy way out. Being with Steph and married for a while, I hadn’t even thought about the whole bi side of things until I heard those assholes talking. Seems like all of that figuring out who I really was way back then paid off,” I said.
“Meaning?” Cam glanced my way. Our gazes caught and held.
“Meaning, I don’t think I’d have nearly as much trouble admitting I like men as well as women. I am a grown-ass man. I don’t give a damn what people think of me now. I want my boys safe and happy. End of story.” I shrugged, feeling a weight I hadn’t even realized was on my chest lift. I felt lighter than I had in years.
“So, what does that mean for our living arrangement?” Cam’s voice was soft.
“I hope it doesn’t mean anything. What we’ve got works. I mean, I didn’t move out here to jump your bones or anything like that. Hell, I mean, you’re attractive enough. I just don’t think either of us would be ready for that. You just lost Deacon. I’m in the middle of a nasty divorce. Who knows what my bisexuality would do to a custody case. And, I think it would be pretty presumptuous of either of us to assume the other wanted to climb into bed.” I said the words easily, ignoring the instant spark of heat in my belly when my brain imagined crawling into bed with Cam.
Cam smiled, relief flooding his face. “You’re attractive, too. No one, man or woman, could deny that. But, you’re right, now is probably not the right time to test out anything but our friendship and co-parenting skills.”
“Agreed.” I nodded.
“So, what do we do about the rumor mill?” Cam cocked an eyebrow.
“We let it do what it’s going to do. We don’t feed it, but we don’t make a big deal out of it. We can honestly say that we have a strong friendship, and we’re very happy with our set-up. The boys are safe and happy, and we’re glad to have a friend to share the work with. Period. End of story.” I got a little angry even as I thought of having to defend our arrangement.
Cam looked doubtful, but he nodded his agreement. “Okay, sounds like a plan.”
~*~*~*~
The dark night was broken by a deep wailing moan. I sat straight up in bed, momentarily disoriented until I recalled I was in Cam’s house. The house was silent, only crickets, frogs, and leaves rustling sounded outside my bedroom window.
But, I knew something had woken me. I listened carefully, my heartbeat pounding in the silence. The moaning filled the darkness again, and I was out of bed before I even took time to think through my actions.
Stopping by the boys’ room, I checked to make sure they were all asleep, and pulled their door mostly closed so as to block out Cam’s moaning. Turning to the other side of the hallway, I stopped outside of Cam’s bedroom, unsure if I should enter.
A haunted moan from the middle of Cam’s bed made the decision for me. I couldn’t listen to my friend suffer. Walking to his bedside, I found Cam in a massive tangle of sheets and blankets. The moonlight through his window highlighted his naked chest, and I immediately reached for his forehead to feel for a fever. His skin was clammy, but he was cool, so he didn’t appear to be sick.
His eyes popped open, and his hand grasped mine as his body shuddered. “Kade,” he gasped.
“Yeah. It’s me. You’re having a bad dream.” I continued to speak softly, much in the way I would if one of the boys woke up scared. I let him continue to grip my hand.
Catching his breath, Cam sighed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you. I’ve been closing the door, I must have forgotten tonight.”
Feeling my brows draw together in a frown, I asked, “You’ve had the bad dreams before? Why didn’t you say something?” I leaned my hip on the edge of the bed, taking a seat of sorts.
“It’s the natural progression of things, right? Bad dreams after you lose someone?” Cam spoke, sounding tired and defeated.
“I don’t know if it’s natural. It’s probably very normal, but I don’t know that you should be suffering through them.” I squeezed his hand, and watched as his eyes fluttered shut. “What are they about?”
His eyes opened again, glowing in the moonlight. “Usually about Deacon. He’s alive, but something terrible happens to him or I lose him. Like he’s really lost, and I can’t find him.”
“Was that what it was about tonight?”
Shaking his head, Cam frowned. “No, tonight I lost you and our boys.” He ran his other hand over his face, still not letting go of my hand.
“Can I[PC41] help in some way?” The words our boys were not lost on me.
“I need to piss and get a drink. Then will you sit here until I fall asleep?” Cam asked. “Damn, I feel like a total wimp. I’m a grown man for fuck’s sake.”
“No worries. Dreams can fuck up our heads. Get a drink. I’ll stay until you’re asleep.” I nodded toward his bathroom.
While Cam used the restroom and got a drink, I straightened the sheets and blanket on his bed. Turning his damp pillow over, I smoothed it and fluffed it up.