by A. D. Ellis
We grabbed firewood from the stack Cam had started at the side of the woods. Trekking up and down the hill to the beach, placing the logs just so, we finally had a pile made to start a fire.
“You want to start the fire or get the cooler?” Cam asked.
“I’ll do the fire. You get the cooler. Grab some of the cold beer from the fridge first. We can ice down the pack I bought. And bring shot glasses.” I started to roll up pieces of newspaper as kindling. “Oh, and napkins!” I shouted at Cam’s back as he retreated up the hill.
I laughed at the middle finger Cam shot at me over his shoulder.
“Thanks, dear!” I hollered.
Ten minutes later, our fire was gaining strength and Cam was hefting the cooler down the hill to the beach. Placing the cooler at the edge of the beach where the grass met the sand, Cam rolled his eyes and produced a stack of napkins from his back pocket.
“Did you remember shot glasses?” I tried to ask without a smirk.
Without words, Cam opened the cooler to reveal ice, beer, Jägermeister, and two shot glasses. “Anything else, Your Highness?”
“Yeah. Let’s eat.” I pulled the chair and towel from the pizza boxes.
Cam and I both ate three pieces of pizza while standing up before we slowed to a more acceptable devouring speed. Grabbing chairs, we sank into them as we savored our next piece of pizza.
“Let’s do shots.” I poured us each a shot, and handed Cam his glass and a beer.
Our eyes met over the shot glasses. Raising the glasses and nodding, we drained the liquid before quickly popping open the beer and chasing the burn.
“Ash, that sucks.” Cam sputtered and winced as the alcohol made its way down. “Yuck. Now I remember why it’s been years since I’ve done shots. Give me beer or wine any day.”
I shivered and grimaced, too. “Yeah, for some reason, that shit tasted a lot better when I was younger.”
Cam held out his glass and nodded at the bottle of liquor. “Go ahead, hit me again. I’d rather get it over with.”
I chuckled, but poured us both another shot. The liquid went down easier the second time, and I felt the slow heat as it hit my stomach. Grabbing two more beers, I tossed one to Cam and we fell into a comfortable silence.
“Damn, it’s beautiful out here on nights like this,” I said, watching the sun sink lower in the sky, the rippling waves lapping against the shore, and a majestic crane swooping down to snatch its prey.
“It is. I love it. Sometimes it’s hard without Deacon here. This was his dream home,” Cam said quietly. “But, knowing how much he wanted this place for us and the boys, I can’t think of not living here. Even without him, it’s a part of him I can give Declan and Justin.”
We were silent again, sipping our beers.
“Even in the dead of winter and the blazing inferno of summer, I love it out here. It’s like my own little escape from reality. I have neighbors. I have responsibilities. I have a life up that hill. But, when I’m down here on the beach, it’s like all of that disappears for a while.” Cam smiled as he stared out at the water. “And, the boys would spend their entire lives down here on the beach if I let them. On the beach or on the boat, they aren’t picky. As long as I kept them fed, I think they’d be happy to live in a tent or on the boat.”
“I think my boys would be right there with them. Myles told me the other day that he loves living with his best friend.” My cheeks had grown warm, whether from the alcohol, emotion, or both. “I agreed with him.”
Cam glanced my way and smiled. “Having you all here has really been good for the boys and me.” He winced as he spoke. “I hate the reason why you’re here, but I’m glad it’s worked out.”
“Yeah, me too.” I agreed.
“Have you heard from Stephanie or her lawyer?”
“No. I don’t know if I expect to or not. Part of me is waiting on her to throw some big custody case my way. But, the other part of me, the part that remembers how she could barely stay home long enough to see the boys for an hour at a time there at the end, that part thinks she’s likely happy with being free from her responsibilities.” I opened another beer. I had nowhere to be. The warm buzz from the shots floated through me, and I swigged the beer to keep that warmth alive.
Cam swallowed down the rest of his beer, looking as if he was determined to keep up with me. Opening another, he continued the conversation. “Did you ever tell her about your attraction to men?”
“No. She was always jealous of other women, I didn’t want to throw gasoline on the fire by telling her I found men attractive too.” I shook my head as I spoke. “When did you know you were gay?”
Cam raised his brow at my slight change in subject, but answered anyway. “I don’t know exactly. I guess it was one of those things that slowly came to be in my mind. I didn’t have some huge moment of realization. Right around the time the boys at school started talking about the girls they liked, chasing them on the playground, teasing them, that was when I first noticed that I didn’t feel that way toward the girls. I liked the girls in my group of friends, but I didn’t seek out ways to be near them or talk to them. My mind was always on my male friends.” Cam stared at the beautiful sunset as he spoke. “Then, when we were older, and my friends were talking about boobs and butts and bras and bathing suits, I was trying to keep my eyes from bare chested males playing basketball or on the diving board at the pool. What my friends saw in a girl’s chest and ass, I saw in a guy’s.”
“How did your parents take it?” I shifted in my seat trying to adjust my dick without notice.
Cam shrugged. “I don’t know. I think maybe my mom had always wondered, and maybe she tried to prepare my dad. He’s not thrilled about it, but he came around. Especially once Deacon and I got the boys. And, Dad was great when Deacon was sick. Mom wants me to be safe and happy and loved.” He smiled. “That’s what she’s always said.”
“What about your sister?” I rested my head on the back of the chair.
“She was fine with it. I think she may have secretly been pleased to have a gay brother. We’ve always gotten along, and me being gay didn’t change that at all.”
“You’re lucky. I know it’s not like that for a lot of people.” I paused for a moment. “So, a nice chest and great ass on a girl do nothing for you?”
Cam smiled and shook his head. “Nope. I mean, I can appreciate a pretty girl as much as anyone else. But, I don’t have any sexual attraction toward females. Just not the way I’m wired.” He glanced my way. “When did you figure out you liked girls and guys?”
“Took me longer, I think. I mean, at first, I would tell myself I was thinking about guys as much as girls because the guys were my friends, or I looked up to them, or something like that. But, eventually, I had to admit I was sexually attracted to both.” I sighed, feeling completely at ease talking to Cam, but that was likely the booze’s doing.
“But you never told anyone about it?” Cam’s question didn’t seem judgmental.
I shook my head. “Nope. Took the easy way out. I mean, I’m not saying that every bisexual who is in a relationship with the opposite sex is taking the easy way out. You love who you love. But, for me, personally, I knew I was taking the easier way. I dated women, fell pretty hard for Steph, married her, and set up the perfect little hetero life.”
“But?” Cam prompted.
It struck me that he could read me so well to know I wanted to say more. “But…” I sighed. “But, in reality, I wasn’t being true to myself. Looking back, I realize I was more in love with the idea of Steph than who she really was as a person. And, while I wouldn’t change our past because it gave me Myles and Evan, I know now I never really was in love with her. I cared for her. Hell, I still care for her. She’s been in my life for years, she’s the mother of my sons, one of my best friends for a very long time. But, that’s all gone now.”
“Is it?” Cam asked.
I looked at him like he was crazy. “Um, yeah. She cheated on me m
ultiple times. She turned her back on the boys and me for parties and sex and alcohol.”
“But, if she came back, asked for forgiveness, wanted to fix things. What would you do?” Cam pushed the subject more than I wanted him to.
“Damn, man, I don’t know.” I plowed a hand through my hair. “I mean, it’s a shitty thing to have to think about.”
Cam watched me.
“I mean, if not for the boys, I’d tell her to fuck off. But, maybe I’d owe it to them to fix things. I don’t know.” I was angry that Cam was pushing.
“Yeah, it is a really shitty situation to be in, and I’m sorry you’re in it.” Cam agreed finally and then let it drop.
I added a couple more small logs to the fire, grabbed another beer, and sat down heavily in my chair.
“How do you think your family would be if you told them you’re bisexual?” Cam poked the fire with a large stick.
I paused a moment to really think about the question. “My brothers would give me shit. My mom would likely try to talk me out of it. My dad probably wouldn’t have much to say.”
“Are you going to tell them?” Cam prodded.
“I don’t know. I mean, it’s not like there’s a reason to bring it up right now.” I dismissed the question. The look on Cam’s face bothered me. “What? I mean, you and I aren’t doing anything together. I’m not seeing anyone. Dating is the last thing I need to be doing right now if I’m honest with myself. So, why tell them anything?”
Cam shook his head. “First, you all but outed yourself at my party the other night. Second, you’re sort of living up to the bisexual stereotype.”
“Right now, what I said at the fire the other night is just rumor mill fodder, and more than anything I said that to protect you. But, if and when I’m with a man, I won’t have any issues with being open about it. I’m an adult, and I can take care of myself. I’m not worried about what people say. There’s no reason to drag people into it right now. And what the fuck do you mean I’m a stereotype?” I was angry, but too buzzed to sound it.
“Just seems like you’re not ready to commit to being bi, even though you say you are. And, for the record, I don’t need your protection.” Cam dragged a hand over his face. “This isn’t a conversation we should be having with so much beer. Let’s change topics.”
I was happy to let it go. I’d hidden my attraction to males for a long time. Just because I’d admitted to liking men, just because I was very attracted to Cam, none of that meant I had to shout it from the rooftops. Right? If Cam and I were together, maybe. No, definitely, I’d have to tell people. But, we’d agreed that it wasn’t smart to get involved. So, why did I have to tell everyone?
“How was your date?” Cam asked.
It took me a moment to realize what he was referring to. Alan seemed like a faraway memory. And a mistake. “Ah, well, that didn’t go the way I’d planned on it going,”
“Meaning?” Cam quirked an eyebrow.
“Meaning, I thought I was showing the new guy around town and being friendly. Alan thought he was going to get laid.” I rolled my eyes.
“He said that?” Cam’s face showed shock.
“No. He all but tried to maul me, suggested he had heard I was gay because I was living with you, and said he was fine with an open relationship.” I wrinkled my nose. “Not the friendly coffee I thought I was meeting him for.”
“Yuck,” Cam said. He was quiet for a moment. “So, you couldn’t do an open relationship?”
“Huh?” I asked. “Oh, no. Don’t think it’s in me. Not before Stephanie’s affair, and definitely not after.”
“Me neither. Deacon had friends in open relationships, and it worked for them, but I never saw it working for me.” Cam shrugged.
“We should have a big party for the boys this summer,” I mused.
Cam swallowed his beer and laughed. “That was quite the subject change.”
“Sorry, just popped into my head.” I smiled.
“No, it’s okay. That’s a good idea,” Cam said. “Let them each invite a few friends. We could do laser tag, flashlight hike through the woods, wiener roast. I don’t know if the two of us are prepared for a sleepover that size, but we could have the parents stay to help out and have the party wind down late. I mean, we’d have to wait until sunset for the laser tag and flashlight hike anyway.” Cam appeared to mull the idea over.
“Yeah. Sounds fun. Maybe swimming in the lake first. Wiener roast. Then the nighttime stuff. Fit some s’mores in there somewhere, too.” I knew the boys would love it. “Probably let the little guys have one friend each. Myles and Declan can each have two friends?”
Cam nodded in agreement. “Let’s figure out a date that works. See if we can have our parents come over too. More adults around is always easier.”
We sat in silence for quite a while after that. I handed Cam his last beer and opened one for myself.
“Want to finish the Jager?” Cam suggested.
I glanced at the bottle and shrugged. “Sure, looks like about one shot each.”
The third shot of liquor went down smooth, but we were already five beers gone and moving in on six each. A slow swallow of beer chased the Jager, mixing in my belly and making me feel loose and warm. The fire burned, but it wasn’t blazing any longer. Enjoying the cool breeze, the warm fire, and the croaking of a nearby bullfrog, I laid my head back against the chair again and let the buzz wash over me. “This feels good. I feel good.” I hummed, not even caring how drunk I sounded.
“Going to suck in the morning,” Cam said.
“Nah, we’ll take aspirin and drink a bunch of water before bed. Plus, we can eat a little more pizza to soak up the alcohol. And, we didn’t have a bunch of wine or sugary drinks, so the hangover shouldn’t be too terrible.” I spouted off as if I was an expert.
“Okay, okay. I’ll remember this conversation when you’re crying tomorrow about your head hurting as you puke your guts up. By the way, you’re in charge of cleaning that toilet if you get sick.” Cam’s voice was growing as sleepy as I felt.
My sleepiness was interrupted as Cam’s foot trailed over my left foot, and then my right. “Aren’t we a bit old for footsie?” I mumbled.
“Huh?” Cam asked from his chair beside me.
I turned my head to find Cam’s legs stretched out in front of him. How did he reach my feet? He wasn’t that tall. “Did you just rub your feet on mine?”
“No,” Cam replied, snorting in laughter. “Why?”
A rustling in the vine covered rock wall to my right alerted us both and we jumped up. “The fuck was that?” I tried to keep my voice low, but I’m sure the alcohol had me talking decibels louder than necessary.
“Probably a snake,” Cam said, grabbing a flashlight.
“A snake? You’re telling me a snake just crawled over my feet and is now in those rocks?” Would I have sounded as panicked had I been sober? Probably.
“Lots of snakes out here.” Cam shivered. “Hate those fucking things. It’s one of the only things I don’t like about living here.”
“What kind of snake are we talking about?”
“Mostly plain old water snakes,” Cam said.
“Mostly?” I asked, not trying to hide the way my voice pitched higher.
“There are a few venomous ones, but most that I’ve seen are probably not harmful.” Cam shrugged as he shone the flashlight at the rocks.
“And we let the kids swim in there?” I sputtered.
“The snakes are usually more scared of us than we are of them.”
“Doubtful.” I shivered as the leaves rustled again. “Can we kill it?”
“I mean, if it were right here in front of me and I had something to kill it with, I probably would. I hate snakes. But, it’s deep in those rocks, and it’s not hurting us.” Cam said.
“We could move the rocks.” I suggested.
“Do you know how many snakes are probably under those rocks?”
“Ah, fuck, don’t tell me th
at,” I said, trying not to whine.
“I’m just saying.” Cam chuckled. “How about I take a look to see if I can find it?”
At the time, that sounded like a good idea, but in hindsight, I wasn’t exactly sure what the hell I thought Cam was going to do if he did find the snake. But, I nodded in agreement. Snake hunting was stupid sober. It was ridiculous when drinking.
I watched as Cam crept closer to the rocks, and he held the flashlight out in front of him as a weapon. What was he going to do? Beat the snake to death with a handheld flashlight?
I stayed close behind him, as if my presence could help protect him if the snake leapt from its rock fortress to attack. I laughed then, I couldn’t help it. Two grown men, with way too many beers and shots in our systems, scared of a snake, yet hunting it with a flashlight. I knew we had to look hilarious, and I couldn’t stop laughing.
Stopping to catch my breath, I stood from my crouched position. Cam took one step closer to the rocks. Another rustle of leaves sounded, and a rock shifted before tumbling down the pile. Cam jumped back and we both screamed. I caught him in my arms as he started to tumble down.
“Whoa, be careful.” I hugged him close. Probably closer than was necessary, but it felt good to have him in my arms. My heart was pounding. Likely from the scare and from being in such close proximity to Cam. “I got you,” I whispered at the side of his head. God, he smelled good. Nuzzling my nose against his neck, I trailed a kiss along his jawline.
“Oh, God, Kade.” Cam groaned and reached a hand up to grasp the back of my head. Pulling me closer, he turned his head so that our lips were nearly touching. “Fuck.” His breath was heavy as he pushed his back into my front.
I marveled at how easily we fit together. At how right it felt to hold him. At how perfect he smelled. At how salty his skin tasted on my lips. I wanted to kiss him, God how I wanted to kiss him. I knew he could feel the pounding of my heart against his back, feel my chest heaving as I struggled to make sense of what I wanted to do versus what I knew I should, or shouldn’t, do.