Chutzpah & High Heels

by Jessica Fishman

  Le’zrok zion: Literally translates as “to throw dick.” This actually means to not put any effort into something.

  Al ha’zion shali: Literally translates as “on my dick,” which can be used in many circumstances, from expressing disagreement to indifference.

  Shavor zion: Abbreviation, sha’vuz. Literally means “broken dick.” This means that someone is very tired and has been worked too hard or that they are bummed out about something. This expression comes from when soldiers come back from twenty-eight straight days in the army and are so tired they do not even have the energy to fuck.

  Army Slang and Terminology

  Basa: Bummer

  Beitim: IDF terminology for sick leave that is spent on the base. This type of sick leave limits the type of physical activity that a soldier is allowed to do.

  Chamshosh: Weekend leave from the army that lasts from Thursday afternoon until Sunday morning.

  Choger: A soldier’s IDF ID card. This card must be carried by soldiers at all times. The card enables free public transportation, and often eases a soldier’s passage through security checks.

  Gimelim: IDF terminology for sick leave spent at home. This can only be granted by an IDF doctor. Many soldiers fake illnesses to try to get gimelim, which is a rare prize.

  Jobnikim: Soldiers that are on desk duty and sit in an office all day: known in English as desk jockeys. Warriors look down on jobnikim.

  Katziz: Abbreviation for Katzin Tzair, meaning a new officer who just finished officer training. As used in a sentence: Ani lo sam zion on what the katziz says. I don’t put dick what the young officer says.

  Tzair: A new soldier, whose uniform is still green and stiff and gets all of the grunt work.

  L’senger: This is to give someone an unpleasant task: usually to a new soldier.

  Lilah lavan: A night when you do not go to sleep.

  Mashakit: Non-commissioned officer.

  Madei Aleph: The formal uniform soldiers wear outside of their base. This is the uniform that jobnikim wear on a daily basis and other soldiers wear back and forth to their bases. This uniform feels like cardboard.

  Madei Bet: This is the uniform soldiers wear in the field, on base and in combat. Made out of cotton instead of polyester, this uniform is much more comfortable than the madei aleph.

  Paz’am: Abbreviation for Perek Zman. This means the minimal time in service. The higher a soldier’s paz’am is, then the less grunt work he has to do in the army.

  Profeel: From the English term profile, this is numerical representation of a soldier’s physical and mental health. Even though it is measured on a scale of 100, the highest attainable score is 97 due to circumcisions in males and menstruation in females.

  P’tor: An exemption from doing duties, most often this is a medical exemption.

  Pozah: When somebody tries to act cooler than they actually are. For instance, a desk jockey officer who tries to act tough.

  Rimon: In the army, rimon means “grenade.” However, in civilian life, it means “pomegranate.” This can lead to some unfortunate misunderstandings for new immigrants at the grocery store who learned most of their Hebrew vocabulary during their army service.

  Rosh katan: This literally means “small head.” This has nothing to do with size. A soldier with a small head is one that tries to avoid responsibility and does not take initiative.

  Shvizut yom aleph: Depression experienced when returning to the army on Sunday mornings, much like manic Mondays.

  Tash: Abbreviation for tnaey sherut, meaning “service conditions.”

  Mashakit tash: The soldier responsible for ensuring that soldiers receive all of their service conditions. Lone soldiers have a close relationship with their mashakit tash.

  Totach: This literally means “cannon,” but it can refer to a very good soldier or a very intelligent person.

  Tzair: In civilian life this means “young,” but in military terms, a tzair is a soldier whose uniform is still dark green and who has to do all the cleaning and guard duty.

  Vatic: In civilian life this means “old,” but in military life it is the soldiers whose uniforms are faded and know how to get around all the rules. A vatic soldier is nearing the end of his service and gets out of all grunt work.

  She’elat kitbeg: An exceptionally stupid question that causes the subordinate/s to receive a harder assignment. The original kitbag question was:

  Commander: Run around the camp 10 times.

  Soldier: With my kitbag?

  Commander: Since you asked, yes with your kitbag

  Israeli Dating Rules

  When an Israeli man says he does not like playing games, then that means he is only looking for a yazizah, a fuck friend.

  Under no circumstance should you date an Israeli man who has served in an elite unit—no matter how intriguing it might be. The reason these men are eligible for elite units is because they are the most fucked up of all.

  When an Israeli man brags about being a hero or in a dangerous situation in the army, never sound impressed or scared, i.e.:

  Elite soldier: During a patrol in the army this week, a terrorist shot at our Jeep window and cracked it. You know that once the windows are cracked, they are no longer bullet proof?

  Wrong Response:

  Female: Oh my God! I’m so glad you are okay! You could have been killed!

  Right Response:

  Female: Well, there isn’t air conditioning in those Jeeps anyhow, so at least you got some ventilation.

  Be prepared to be invited to a family reunion for a second date.

  It is completely acceptable to sleep over in your date’s childhood bedroom at his parents’ house, even after the first date. While in the US, men are embarrassed to admit that they still live at home with their parents, Israeli men are quite proud of it. Just as Israeli moms are completely in love with their sons, so are their sons in love with their mothers. The Oedipus Complex should be renamed the Shlomo Complex.

  Don’t be surprised if the next morning the mom will make you breakfast, ask you how good her son was in bed, all while washing the stains off the sheets. This phenomenon was taken to the extreme when one of my boyfriend’s moms bought me lingerie.

  Even on a first date, an Israeli man will invite you to an event that is anywhere from one week to five months in the future. This does not mean that he intends to marry you. Israelis are simply very inviting people. Do not go shopping for a wedding dress.

  Typically, the cockiness level of an Israeli man is inversely proportional to his skill in bed.

  While men all over the world hate being wrong, Israeli men treat being wrong as if it physically affects their penis size. Israeli men react to being wrong the same way other men react to cold water.

  Israeli men have some type of secret radar (I think it is technology developed by the IDF) which helps them detect the moment that you decide that you are no longer going to obsess over them. The very second you stop looking at your phone for a text message or turn the ringer off or decide you are going to meet some other guy, they call—without fail.

  Sephardic Israeli men are openly primitive and chauvinistic when it comes to women, while Ashkanazi Israeli men will pretend to be progressive, but they will still expect to have their food cooked, dishes done, clothes washed, and houses cleaned for them.

  Israeli men are very affectionate, even from the first date and will have no problem calling you motek, sweetie; metukah, darling or mammi, honey. (And yes, I do think mammi is quite revealing about their mom hang-ups.) Do not confuse these affectionate terms with love. They will call the waitress, cashier, and parking attendant lady by these same pet names.

  In fact, saying you have a boyfriend or a husband may not even be enough. As many guys will respond, “a boyfriend isn’t a wall” or “take my number, just in case things don’t work out” or even ask, “but are you happily married?”

  Never expect a serious relationship with any man whose first name ends with the sound y or i
or ie. They are good at charming you and they are always fun, but they never make good boyfriends or husbands. A list of names are, but not limited to: Adi, Assi, Avi, Benny, Danni, Dudi, Ellie, Sagi, Shlomi, Shuki, Tzachi, Udi, Uri, and Yoni

  Recipes

  Pelov: Afghani Rice Dish

  Israeli Salad

  Shakshuka

  Pelov: Afghani Rice Dish

  INGREDIENTS:

  1 cup whole wheat rice

  2 cups water

  5 teaspoons canola oil

  1 white onion, chopped

  4 carrots, sliced into small pieces

  ½ cup yellow raisins

  SEASONING:

  1 teaspoon turmeric

  ¾ teaspoon of cinnamon

  ½ teaspoon of salt

  Steam rice until soft and fluffy.

  In frying pan, heat canola oil and put in chopped onion. Sauté onions until soft. Add carrots that have been cut into small slices. Cook carrots until soft. Then add raisins.

  Combine the rice and vegetables into a bowl. Add seasoning based on desired taste. The rice should take on a yellow/orange color.

  Serve with an Israeli salad or tomatoes on the side.

  * * *

  Israeli Salad

  INGREDIENTS:

  1 tomato

  2 small cucumbers

  ½ small white onion

  1 teaspoon olive oil (at least)

  ½ lemon

  Dice tomato, cucumbers and onion. Mix in a bowl. Add olive oil and squeeze lemon. Make sure to not let any of the lemon seeds to fall into the bowl.

  Optional: Feta or Bulgarian cheese, Zatar seasoning, or grated carrots.

  Eat with warm, fresh bread.

  * * *

  Shakshuka

  INGREDIENTS:

  Olive oil, enough to cover bottom of pan

  1 diced onion

  2 cloves of garlic

  1 jalapeno pepper

  2 bell peppers

  2 chopped tomatoes

  2 8-ounce cans of tomato sauce

  2 eggs

  Tomato juice

  Vegetable broth

  Season to desired taste with a dash of hot paprika, sweet paprika, turmeric, salt, pepper, and a pinch of sugar

  Heat oil in a large sauté pan over medium heat. Add onion and sauté until lightly browned.

  Then add garlic, jalapeno and bell peppers, and sauté 2 minutes more. Add tomatoes and tomato sauce, reduce heat to low and simmer for 5 minutes. Add hot and sweet paprika, turmeric, salt, pepper and sugar. Stir for 1 minute. Add desired amount of tomato juice and vegetable broth and bring to a full boil.

  Reduce heat to low and simmer, uncovered, until mixture is very thick and has little liquid left, about 1 hour; stir occasionally to make sure vegetables do not stick to bottom of pan, and add more tomato juice or vegetable broth as needed. Taste and season with salt and pepper.

  Gently crack eggs into pan, taking care not to break yolks. Simmer until whites solidify but yolks remain runny, about 8 minutes, or as per personal preference

  Carefully serve in the hot pan with bread.

  Acknowledgments

  This book has been as much of a healing process for me as it has been an opportunity to try to make a positive change in a country that I love. I want to thank everyone who has helped me through this journey that allowed me to change a negative experience into one that ultimately turned me into a stronger person.

  My parents, while dealing with their own pain from the events that transpired, nursed me back to mental and physical health so that I could start my journey to recovery. From feeding me to giving me a home in the peaceful mountains for a year, they gave me a place where I felt loved and accepted (see also: I lived like a teenager in my late twenties early thirties) so I could focus on my writing. Thank you specifically to my mom who dedicated herself to raising a progressive, Jewish family.

  Thank you to my sister for being my superhero without a cape and flying over twice when I needed you the most. You made me laugh when I couldn’t find the strength to smile.

  The process of writing this book started with a writing course taught by Madelyn Kent. Her writing course couldn’t have come into my life at a better time—when I needed the tools and framework to learn how to express my experiences and emotions. Without Madelyn Kent’s writing class, this book would never have made it past blog format. As my first editor, Madelyn stayed on this journey with me for at least a year past her writing class, helping me shape my writing into a story. Thank you Madelyn for having the courage to read the first draft of my manuscript and seeing a book hidden in it.

  Lori DeBoer, my second editor, played an important part in continuing to grow the manuscript into a book. As a true confidant and friend, Lori forced me to look into myself and ask the hard questions about what this book is really about. Lori helped me make this book reach a greater depth so that it is a universal story to which anyone on a search for love and acceptance can relate. A special thank you to her husband, Michael, for unclogging the toilet and to Max, her son, for his patience.

  A big thank you to Sheyna Galyan, my publisher, and her publishing company, Yotzeret Publishing, for giving me the platform to share my story. I first met Sheyna and her family at a Passover seder that my parents hosted while I was in high school. She and her family came as new congregants to our synagogue. She was the first person to bring oranges to our seder plate. Then I had no idea that our paths would cross again. Nearly twenty years later, only after she read the scene in my manuscript about the oranges did we both realize that we had met before. To me it feels as if we have come full circle that you are the one to bring my words to light.

  I would also like to thank a few organizations and people that supported me and my struggle. Hiddush and its President and CEO, Rabbi Uri Regev. The organization is dedicated to fighting for freedom of religion and opinion in Israel and its activities gave me a voice. Rabbi Morris Allen and his congregation, Beth Jacob, for envisioning and practicing an egalitarian and progressive Judaism. With actions and not words alone, Rabbi Allen taught me a loving, kind, and accepting Judaism.

  Thank you to those who read and reacted to early drafts of the manuscript – Aviv B., Erica F., and Tom D.

  Last but not least, I want to thank Jinjy—even though every single instruction I read for writing acknowledgments warned me not to. But if it weren’t for Jinjy waking me up in the morning to take him out for walks, I never would have bothered getting out of bed to start writing.

  About the Author

  Having grown up in a Midwestern Jewish and Zionist family, Jessica Fishman moved to Israel after graduating from Indiana University with degrees in journalism and business. She spent her first few years in the country serving in the Israel Defense Forces, learning the Hebrew language, and getting acclimated to the country. Jessica has written a number of articles about Israel, and her story has been featured in leading Israeli and Jewish media.

  After developing the popular Aliyah Survival Blog, which is an irreverent portrayal of an American immigrant’s first years in Israel, she has written a deeply personal, witty memoir about the difficulties, absurdities, and excitement of making a home in a new country.

  She was inspired to write Chutzpah & High Heels: The Search for Love and Identity in the Holy Land after a life-changing event in Israel. Her goals are to share her experience and inspire social change.

  Visit Jessica at http://jessicafishmanauthor.com.

  This is a work of creative nonfiction. The events are portrayed to the best of the author’s memory, though she has made some slight alterations to the chronological timeline of minor events in order to improve clarity. To protect the privacy of the people involved, the author has changed the names of individuals and places, as well as identifying characteristics. Conversations in this work all come from the author’s recollections, though they are not written to represent word-for-word transcripts. Rather, the author has retold them in a way that evokes the feeling and meaning
of what was said and in all instances, the essence of the dialogue is accurate.

  The views and opinions expressed herein are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Yotzeret Publishing, its affiliates, or its employees.

  First edition

  CHUTZPAH & HIGH HEELS: THE SEARCH FOR LOVE AND IDENTITY IN THE HOLY LAND. Text copyright © 2017 by Jessica Fishman. All rights reserved. All rights reserved. All rights reserved under international and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this ebook on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of Yotzeret Publishing. For information, address Yotzeret Publishing, PO Box 18662, Saint Paul, MN, 55118. http://yotzeretpublishing.com.

  The tzaddi logo is a registered trademark of Yotzeret Publishing, Inc.

  Cover design by TotallyJamie.com

  Clouds by Paz Fraizler

  Author photo by Jamie Hurt

  Afterword text copyright © 2017 by Rabbi Uri Regev, Esq.

  Grateful acknowledgment is made to the following for permission to reprint previously published material:

  Nehama, Zeev (lyrics): Jessica. Performed by Ethnix. © 1993 Nehama, Z., Kalinsky, T., and ACUM. Reprinted with permission of ACUM.