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I Thought My Uncle Was A Vampire, But He Was Just A Creep

Page 10

by Richard Cassone


  Nicolai tried to integrate these things, going so far as to picture a petite ballerina silently dancing to this little tune, but one disparaging thought began to dissolve his equanimity: there is somebody in my room. Possessed by this and a desire to discover the source of the foul stench, he decided to take a peek. Thus, he turned his head a bit to the left, that being the general direction from which the activity came and sure enough he still saw only the white ceiling. Good Lord! he realized, I have not yet opened my eyes; the comfortable, all too comforting, white ceiling is simply the inside of my eyelids lit by some bright, white light, its cracks my veins. This illusion revealed, he opened those two trapdoors in his head and out popped a picture of his true surroundings.

  Nicolai probably would not have been as surprised if not two feet from his face, smack dab center stage, knelt a man hard at work chipping away at the cement floor. Beyond this immediate activity, it was difficult to distinguish any other details about the room other than the fact that it was not his and that behind the little digger ant a formless mass seemed to squirm (and snore) upon a mattress. Above him (Nicolai) was another mattress bulging with the weight of occupancy, and loosely supported by a web of wires, springs at the end, k-values being pushed to the limit. As he watched, the weight suddenly shifted and Nicolai saw a small head pop over the edge of the upper bunk and speak to the digger, chiding him for his efforts and addressing him as Silly Goose.

  This broke Silly Goose’s attention and caused him to accidentally strike the bed behind him. From there then came a loud growl and in fear Silly Goose climbed into his mattress above and opposite. With his view clear, Nicolai was able to see that the mass in the bed across was actually a very large manthough from the excessive growth of hair on his face and head he looked somewhat like a grizzly bear. He rolled at this upset, snored-in the greatest of snores upon which he choked, and then farted full one last time before waking. Doing so, he looked around and saw the man atop Nicolai chuckling. His reaction to this was so swift and perfected that it was obvious all had happened before; he turned on his back and gave a swift kick to the underside of the mattress above him. This done with significant force, Silly Goose flew into the air, and because of its proximity, smashed into the ceiling, then fell back to the cot and proceeded to weep, occasioning a silence intended to scare Stinkyas in “Stinky, you oughtn’t to do that, you know it upsets him”into believing that he was dead or maimed; this ploy was without success.

  As Stinky sat upon the edge of his bed, letting the covers fall from his bulk, Nicolai saw that he was wearing the same sort of outfit as Silly Goose, a white button down top with white baggy slacks. Upon the shirt was, over the left breast, an embroidered symbol which he could not make out. He thought to reach for a cigarette in preparation of conversation with this disagreeable (to all the senses) person, but found that they were not in his shirt pocket, found, in fact, that he had no shirt pocket and subsequently that he too was robed in this odd uniform; aghast, he sat quickly up and hit his head on the upper bunk and fell again to a lying, though slightly more fetal, position. Ouch.

  Stinky smiled at him swarthily (good word that, Nicolai thought as he observed the smile) and rose and immediately tripped in the hole that Silly Goose had dug in the floor. “Silly Goose, Stinky, you two guys clean this mess up right now.” His voice was what could only be called dopey and his breath lived up to that so apt moniker earlier applied; which why he referred to the third man with same Nicolai could not imagine. Stinky I (as Nicolai identified him; the other henceforth being two [II]) pulled the other two from their heights and roughly pushed them to the floor. “Never mind that stuff. Finish the hole.” They both now worked diligently on the dig, looking up intermittently with a fearful reverence for the large man who stood watching over themback, incidentally, to Nicolai.

  Thankful to be forgotten, Nicolai rolled over and pondered present circumstances. First off, I am not in my rooms, that is, in my let, though somewhat dilapidated, yet at this moment wished for, rooms. Secondly, these are no friends, nor acquaintances, nor even I think neighbors of mine. Thirdly, the chances that the lot of us in some bizarre coincidence happed upon the same sale, at the same shop, on white institutional uniforms is slimthough not impossible (“They have a saying in Chicago, Mr. B: Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, the third time is enemy action.”). Therefore as our friend Mr. Holmes has said, “Once we have eliminated the impossible, what is leftno matter how improbablemust be the truth.” Hence, my only conclusion can be that I have been imprisoned by an alien force intent on sinking their unearthly fangs into Rooka’s fortune and that they have roomed me with three of their kind hoping I will reveal something of its breadth. I will not, Rooka, betray you! For once in the hands of the aliens it is only steps away from the funds of what communist contingents are left in your mother Russia; and that shall never be!

  The door opened. So telepathy it is! Were not even his thoughts safe from their evil grasp? If not so, then neither Rooka’s fortune. I have let you down, old man; forgive me. The man who stood holding the door spoke: “Meals.” Good lord, man, I know you. Nicolai sprang from his bed.

  “Hello. Hello.” The manyes, the priest, the (“Doctor,” Stinky I spoke) it was even he who Nicolai had followed to this endclosed the door against which, realizing now that some awful mistake had been made, he sank.

  “We seem to have shed some light on the matter.” It was Stinky II who addressed this to a laughing Stinky I. The hole had been completed; perhaps, thought Nicolai, I shall have a chance to escape this mess. He edged his way into the group and looked into the passage. There was some light coming from it, and below, some sort of room or chamber. Stinky I suggested that Silly Goose be the first to go and this suggestion was not ignored. So, kissing Stinky II brusquely (and sweetly, Nicolai thought; must be good friends) on the lips, Silly Goose crawled into the hole and landed with a thud in the passage below. They all looked at him anxiously and he began to cry, and as he did someone handed him a tissue.

  A moment later, a crinkled face looked up at them through the hole. “Hello. Everything all right? Seem to have lost something. Might come in handy down here, don’t suppose you’d loan me it, on a temporary basis of course?” Stinky I grunted in approval. “Right, right then. Must be going, meals you know.”

  “Good-bye, B.B.,” Stinky I said.

  “Bye-bye, Silly Goose,” Stinky II said and continued to his namesake, “I told you: we’re on the second floor!”

  “Shut up. Meals.” Stinky I pushed past Nicolai and as he did Nicolai saw clearly the insignia on his shirt and read what was beneath it: State of New York. Firepoint Sanitarium.

  Following the surge of like looking crazies (for that he knew now, they were) Nicolai was led partially around the upper level of the round room he recognized from earlier, but now saw from quite a different perspective, and then crammed into a small elevator whose weight limit was surely being ignored (and made worsethe elevator, not the weight limit, which would be sillyby Stinky I’s easily identifiable presence). For all the strain placed upon it, the elevator worked hard to make the trip as painfully slow as possible. At the bottom, they filed out and joined up with another group of revolving inmates, including Silly Goose and his new friend. These proceeded counterclockwise around the room, and reaching the passageway tangent to it, turned right. Following this brought them into a large cafeteria where others already sat at tables; they however waited on line. Nicolai was glad for one thing and that was that, as they entered, he saw Stinky I muscle his way into the line up ahead and as a result was already sitting with his food, making it easier for Nicolai to avoid sitting next to him.

  The line moved slowly, but it did move, and eventually he was sitting with a plate of hot (dry) toast and a cup of coffee, and in a sense he was quite relaxed. These crazies, he thought, are not nearly as bothersome as most regular folks. Others quickly sat at his table, but they did not bother him, either in
the sense of annoy or accost. They were each in worlds unto themselves, living private fantasies more robust than the shared one through which commoners tread.

  I will find my way out of here. Surely, there is a warden or headmaster of some sort and once I explain to him their error I am sure to be promptly released. For the time being, though, I shall enjoy my coffee and if some tobacco is to be had in addition, I will be able to chalk this up as a pleasant diversion. The thought of a smoke turned Nicolai’s mind to the subject of rising cigarette costs and subsequently to the wad of bills no longer in his pocket (in fact he had no pockets, but that is neither here nor there). Of course, they will have all my belongings in storage pendingha hareturning sanity.

  Suddenly an earsplitting shriek filled the room and then metamorphosed into an amplified voice. Nicolai turned toward it. The doctor was standing near the door and speaking into a microphone. “Good evening everybody, or is it morning...you’ll never know. Anyway I’m very pleased to introduce for your listening pleasure, Mr. Frank “Stinky II” Lipid, who for your listening pleasure will sing an original song entitled, Get Close To Me and I’ll Rub Myself All Over You which I understand he’d like to dedicate to a Miss Clora Fille, late of Hartford, late of Kingston, and don’t call me late for dinner, or is it breakfast...you’ll never know. And now, Frank.”

  It was Stinky I who stood up and took the microphone. Well, thought Nicolai, I got the numbers wrong, but I’ll stick to them for spite. Stinky I then sang, in a not disagreeable voice, the following with full musical accompaniment provided by a small four-piece band which ascended from the floor:

  Get close to me, baby and don’t you ever leave.

  It’s not your face that makes it happen, but

  that crazy cleave(age).

  I’ve got a feeling that we’re going to be

  friends,

  Cause I’m drowned in your love, and I got the

  bends.

  So go ahead and close on in

  Tonight we’re safe from sin

  I just been to confession

  Where I confessed my obsession (with you).

  Get close to me, sweetheart we been apart for so

  long

  During which time I wrote this song.

  Howdy Doody and his partner, Buffalo Bill

  Forget about those guys and just add them to the

  plaguey bill.

  So go ahead and close on in

  Tonight we’re safe from sin

  I just been to confession

  Where I confessed my obsession (with you).

  So go ahead, there’s no reason to be blue

  Get close to me and I’ll rub myself all over

  you!

  Go right on, baby come on and get close.

  As Stinky I sang he played the room and during the chorus proceeded to actually rub himself against various patients? inmates? who knows. Nicolai watched all of this with bemusement and joined in with the considerable applause at the end. After all was done, he continued sipping his coffee and picking the crumbs off of his plate in the familiar fashion of moistening a finger, dipping, licking, &c. Now for that smoke; he addressed no one in particular at the table, “Sorry, anyone happen to have a cigarette?” They all looked up in horror. Uh oh. “Please?”

  It was an older man at the end of the table who spoke for them all, “You done asked a mighty sensitive question there, my friend...my friend...my friend.” Strange echo in the room. Perhaps it was this that made Stinky I’s song so pleasant; didn’t think he was that naturally modulated. “Had you put for dead, that being in the 17th Century use of the word die, or to die, meaning I thought you got lucky. Found out not so, seems, but listen boy,” he came over and sat next to Nicolai, sharing that seat with its present occupant (being Nicolai) and this sudden closeness reminded him of the old man’s identity, “I told you boy don’t let no woman wear that ring or she’s yours, but I should’ve known you wouldn’t listen to an old man. Worse that you leave me in that damn john choking on” He stopped. Everybody stopped. The companyold timer includedof Nicolai’s table rose with their trays and left and Stinky I sat and the entire cafeteria looked on.

  “I like you.”

  “I like you too Stinkuh, Frank.” Nicolai wasn’t sure that he did, but thought to be on the safe side he ought to say so. “You’re quite a talent.”

  “Yeah, but it is wasted on these bums. You and I are gonna be roommates. I fixed it like that. Those other guys they’re crazy, but we’re not. They call our room Funnyville, but I don’t know why. You ever play chess?”

  “I have.” He had.

  “You and I are gonna play chess.”

  He paused, “OK.” The room collectively sighed and Nicolai heard papers quickly being shuffled. Bets?

  “Good-bye.” He farted and this seemed to propel him from his seat and off and out the door. Nicolai cleared his tray at the other end of the room and then followed. He wasn’t sure where to go, but the lot of them appeared to be heading up the current corridor toward a door on the right side near the far end.

  He began to follow them, although it did not appear to be mandatory as he observed several of them moving instead back to their rooms. One of those who moved on to the passage ahead he recognized as the gimpy quadruped from the park. Desiring to learn more of this individual in particular, he began to follow, but was suddenly ambushed and pulled aside into the main room and then into one of its adjoining chambers. The room was exactly like his, except instead of four bunks it contained only one, and on that sat his old man.

  “Sorry for the dis-shovelment but I had to talk to you before that Stinky fellow got his hands on you. Now I only been here a short time now, but I’ve come quickly to understand what this place is about, comes out quick, she shows herself like a naked woman. They may look crazy to you and me what ain’t, but they’re a shrewd bunch so don’t take them lightly, especially that smelly one, got a problem with legumes he does, loves them, has them brought in special just for him. They’re forbidden mind you and that brings me to my purpose in saying that that is what this place is about, the forbidden; foreboding word, yes, but is what is and so on. Now you go in there and he’s going to take you for a purpose in that game of his because it’s his game and I don’t know what for or wherefore, but he’s got in his mind that you’re special, which may be true. Here now, close that door and sit down.” Nicolai did and once again was under the unusual influence of this most unusual character. The old man continued in a whisper, “Now I know what brought you here, curiosity’s the answer there and maybe someone else had a hand in it too, can’t say much there, but times change for an oldster like myself. Lose weight, limbs go, world changes, but look here.” He twirled his fingers around Nicolai’s head and pulled a gold disk from his ear. The ring! He spun the ring again, covered it with his left hand, and feigning to grasp it with that hand showed both to be empty; instantaneously however, it rolled from out of his pant leg, an actNicolai supposed from the old man’s dissatisfied reactionunplanned. “Well, it all goes, as I say, with time.” He picked up the ring and held it before him. “Last time I gave this to you, you repaid me unkindly in leaving. Sat on that crapper there with the worst of it and over I go, ticker went tock. Wake up, here I am, but know this: wind’s blowing hard I know and soon we’ll be at sea again. She’s yours again, my times yet come. This time though take care with her like I said.” He gave it to him, put it on his finger, taking his hand softly first in his own. “I’ll give you something else this time too. If trouble comes your way with or without the ring, though it’s most interesting to me with of course, you just close them eyes of yours and sing into the wind and sing this song:

  Ho! Tommy! It's ya birthday

  Crystal the hill, the willow

  Get fired up son, the moon is up son!

  Ho! Tommy! We needs ya!

  “That’s my name and no matter what I’ll be at your side and we’ll see what good it might do; some is
wished for, I expect. Remember, there’s no evil in a thing what’s not in he what possesses, and if that ain’t a phrase to catch then I ain’t farted in the Western Hemisphere; speaking of which you go now and give that Stinky a game and not too much of what’s yours and he wants.” The old man trailed off here and drooled some and then lay down. Nicolai stood and let him sleep, but as he walked out of the room he heard the man, Tom, say, “I am very tired.”

  Once in the main room, Nicolai found that he had a choice. Do I go now and play that fool in his game and no doubt lose, or do I return and sleep what I may before he returns and pummels me some; not fair, he thought, for Stinky I’s words and manner had been friendly. He decided to play and headed off in the assumed direction, but as he turned the corner into the hall, he met up with the doctor, himself coming from the dining area. “Doctor. Doctor.”

 

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