APOCALYCIOUS: Satire of the Dead

by K Helms

  He clamored back over her and held his hook out before him, straightening the metal hook and it formed an ice pick-like dagger. He slammed it through the back side of the duct again and again, cutting a jagged hole into the sheet metal. He wrenched the metal down and felt around behind it. Six inches behind it he could feel the brick wall of the building.

  “Dang it!” he cried, then pulled out his radio and keyed the mic. “Basil! Can you see our heat signatures?”

  The radio crackled to life, but there seemed to be much less interference. “I see you.”

  Arlington breathed a sigh of relief. “There’s a brick wall here. Anything you can do about it?”

  “Back away from the wall,” Basil said, and Arlington obeyed without question. He crawled back over the semi-conscious Latina and peered over the ledge of the duct. He could hear them coming. How they had managed to climb up the first level he didn’t know, but he shined his light down and saw them looking up at him. He thumbed the wheel of his Zippo and dropped it down onto the pile of creamer. It ignited instantly; a fireball shot up and caught the ruined jacket, which the dead man wore, on fire. The dead man didn’t react in pain, but the fire did seem to confuse the dead man as the flames leapt before his milky eyes.

  “Good enough,” thought Arlington aloud.

  Arlington heard something hard bump into the brick wall and a rapid vibration shook the entire building. The vibrations grew faster and faster and he saw cracks of light as the mortar began to crumble. Dust showered down on them like powdery snow.

  He heard steady, rhythmic bangs coming up the duct and looked down. The dead man was still on fire, but he drove his fingers through the sides of the duct, pulling himself upward with each handful of metal. Arlington thumbed the mic again. “You’ve gotta hurry up, old buddy.”

  The bricks cracked as the vibrations grew faster and the banging from the duct drew nearer. Arlington pushed Juanita’s body closer to the wall as the wall opened up, revealing the silver surface of the top of the disk. Basil might only have one eye, but he didn’t seem to have a problem with his depth perception as Arlington feared upon first impression. He shoved Juanita out onto the top of the ship and crawled out behind her. He turned onto his back, exhausted, and just as he did he saw the dead man skittering like a blazing spider through the duct, racing toward the ship. Arlington watched as the dead man leapt at them, but Basil raised the ship at the last second and the dead man cart-wheeled down to the parking lot below with a revoltingly wet sound and the brittle cracking of bones.

  Arlington laughed into the mic. “You Wiley Coyote’d his ass. That was awesome!”

  “That was just for you, my friend,” Basil said, and guided the ship onto the roof of another building across the street. It settled lightly and the ramp lowered. Laptu rushed from the ship and Arlington saw him standing below, gesturing with his leathery fingers.

  “Baby!” Laptu demanded. Arlington lowered her down to the Bigfoot’s outstretched arms.

  “Put her inside, and try not to forget to come back out and give me a hand,” Arlington called as he watched Laptu dart out of sight.

  Laptu returned and Arlington was sure that it wasn’t just because he was anxious to help him, but rather, so he could get it over with and check on the baby.

  Chapter 70 - Return to Easter Island

  Easter Island

  The speaker of Nan’s radio crackled to life and she heard Arlington’s distinctive drawl emerge from the static. She unclipped it from her hip and held it before her.

  “Nan?”

  “Welcome home Mr. Neff,” she said gleefully.

  “Thanks Nan. I’m glad you’re out and about. We need some help,” said the pirate.

  “What’s wrong?” Nan asked with a tremor in her voice, “Is everyone alright? No one got bitten did they?”

  “No, but Juanita…” he paused, not sure how to explain, “she had a bad scare and doesn’t look too good.”

  “I’ll meet you at the airstrip,” she said and clipped the radio back onto her belt. She gunned the throttle and sped toward the airfield.

  She watched over the handlebars as the ship winked in the sunlight and settled at the end of the runway. She didn’t call Death or Diego; they would have heard them on their own radios and would surely arrive shortly behind her.

  When she arrived she saw Laptu pacing nervously back and forth behind Arlington who was carrying Juanita in his tattooed arms.

  Nan rushed to him. “Is she alright?”

  “I think so, but she needs rest and fluids. Is the island secure?”

  “We finished burning the last of the bodies yesterday. Did you find what you were looking for?” Nan asked, as she laid the back of her hand against Juanita’s forehead.

  “They’re in my pack but I can’t leave ‘em here. They’re too dangerous. Are the buildings safe?”

  “Yes and the caves are too.”

  “Good. Laptu, you take Juanita and go with Nan,” he said and handed Nita’s limp body to the yeti. Laptu cradled her securely within his great, hairy arms. “I’ll catch up. You two get going.”

  They heard the other ATV’s approaching, but Nan and Laptu didn’t wait for Death and Diego, instead they hurried toward the residential part of the island.

  Death braked hard and slid to a sideways stop before Arlington." Good to see you in one piece. Need a lift?”

  “I have to cache the skulls first, after that’s done, I’ll check on Nita,” Arlington said.

  “Nita, huh? Sounds like you two are getting along better. What’s wrong with her anyhow?”

  “Shock, I think.”

  “Is she going to be alright?” Death asked with concern. Concern was new to the man, but he had been growing to embrace a more selfless existence.

  “I think she just needs some rest. Did anything interesting happen around here?”

  “Matter of fact, we had another ship stop, plus we found a couple people hiding in one of the basements. Nan assigned them the use of a few of the houses.”

  “How many?”

  “Twelve in all… now, get this…” Death said, and looked around in a conspiratorial way “they were attacked by pirates, honest to God pirates.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Yeah, from the sound of it there are a ton of ships out there pirating. Evidently, living on the water is safer than land,” Death said.

  “So I should probably get us some more firepower,” Arlington ventured.

  “I would. Maybe furnish the ships we have with some deck guns or something.”

  “About the biggest I can manage would be .30’s or .50’s,” Arlington said, then looked back at the ship.

  “Come on, man. The rest can wait. Check on Nita and let her know you are worried about her. Don’t be playing John Wayne.” Death said patting Arlington on the shoulder, “Climb on, Basil will watch the skulls.”

  Arlington knew that he had to find a safe place to stash the crystal skulls, but he did want to see Nita. Death had seen through his act of indifference and had called him on it. Arlington looked at the long haired young man sheepishly then climbed on.

  The acrid smell of burnt flesh still lingered in the salt water air. Although still far from pleasant, it was much better than the smell of the putrefying dead. Over the past few months they had forgotten what fresh air actually smelled like. In urban areas it was invariably the worst and reeked of sulfur mingled with the sickening sweet smell of citrus gone bad. It was a scent that was impossible to describe accurately, but one that humans would instinctively know as the smell of death.

  The tiny island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean made Arlington feel very isolated, almost claustrophobic. It was a surreal feeling to a man who had called the rolling foothills and country of southeastern, Ohio home. On the other hand he felt almost free. It was a small piece of freedom, not the big freedom that he could have enjoyed had he not previously been a prisoner of alcohol and conspiracy theories.

  Death parked beside
Nan’s Kawasaki and they walked to the steel front door of a square cinder block building. “We set this up as our home base on the island. It’s the strongest building and the easiest to defend.”

  Arlington appraised the building approvingly. “Good choice, Death.”

  “Nan, actually,” corrected Death. “She’s always planning for everything, just in case.”

  Arlington grunted appreciatively.

  They entered the building and found Laptu sitting on a couch stroking Juanita’s hair as she slept. It was an image that Death would have never believed if he hadn’t seen it. To him it sounded like the beginning of a bad joke. A Sasquatch and a midget walk into a bar…

  Nan, who always seemed to have a reservoir full of energy, hurried to Death’s side and planted a loud, enthusiastic kiss on his cheek,

  “She’s sleeping,” she told Arlington.

  “Good sleep?”

  “Yes.” She glanced at Death slyly then turned her brown, almond shaped eyes back to Arlington. “She was saying your name.” It was a statement but the way she said it contained the inflection of a question.

  Arlington felt uncomfortable and shifted his stance. He could still feel Nan’s eyes probing him. “She kept saying it over and over,” Nan continued with a barely-restrained grin tracing her lips and Death gave her a gentle squeeze.

  “Well…we almost didn’t make it. She was probably having a nightmare,” Arlington said.

  “I was just wondering because she always called you Neff before. I’ve never heard her call you by your first name.”

  “Hey, why don’t we give the man a minute by himself, I think I could use some air,” Death said, trying to keep his wife’s prying to a minimum.

  She looked at Death knowingly, but not perturbed, then returned her mischievous gaze back to Arlington. “OK… I guess I was just wondering if anything happened between the two of you while you were gone.”

  Death rolled his eyes. There really was no stopping his head strong woman once she got started.

  “She’s catholic,” Arlington said because he could think of no other response.

  Nan arched her eyebrows then giggled. “Oh, that explains everything. See, I was thinking that maybe the two of you…you know…” she said and laughed again at her own discomfort “shared something…”

  Death cut her off. “Alright nosy, give the man a break, would you?” he said and pulled her by the hand toward the door. She continued to embarrass Arlington as she was pulled through the doorway.

  “She is awfully cute…”

  “Come on, Laptu,” interrupted Death as Nan giggled. The yeti rose reluctantly and followed them out the door where Death shut it behind them. Arlington looked back to Juanita whose eyes were now open and looking directly at him.

  “Are you embarrassed?” she asked.

  “A little,” he admitted with an awkward grin and sat next to her.

  “We didn’t do anything for you to be embarrassed about, you know?” she looked hurt.

  “I just get embarrassed easy, that’s all.” He tried to assure her and really did not know what he was trying to say. He liked her a lot, he knew that much and he thought that she had become closer to him, but she had not expressed any real interest in him either. “I’m glad you're alright,” he said

  “Trying to change the subject?” Nita asked quietly. Arlington crossed his arms, uncrossed them again, and then looked at them like he wondered just what the heck he was supposed to do with them. His hook coiled and uncoiled in nervous anxiety.

  “Don’t worry, Neff, I’m used to men only being attracted to me in private. I’m kind of like that fat girl or a moped. They’re fun to ride until your friends catch you on one,” she said with a laugh, but it was a hollow sound. He looked at her eyes. They were dry, but the hurt was still there beneath a mask of indifference. Arlington looked confused mainly because he was. He felt utterly disoriented and he had no idea of what to say. He had no verbal skills to begin with, let alone conversations like this. So Juanita continued for him. “I’m sorry that I…” she rolled her eyes up at the ceiling remembering how she had slipped to his side in the basement and had snuggled against him like some stupid little high school girl and had fallen asleep. It really wasn’t that big a deal, but still, she felt humiliated.

  “Hold on,” he said with a look of stern concentration. For a moment he was silent as he collected his thoughts. She was quiet as she waited for a sack load of excuses and clichés. “OK, I’m just going to lay it out there. I suck at this, but…” he paused again as he stared at his hook with an expression that hinted that he might be contemplating slamming the hook into his ear.

  “I really don’t know what you’re talking about, but you’re a woman and that explains a lot.” He stopped again then turned his eyes to hers. “I like you Nita. I even feel stupid calling you that because I…I don’t know why…anyway, if you think I care that you are a midg…dwarf, I don’t… I guess I just figured that you wouldn’t want someone like me.”

  She put a hand on his forearm.

  “I mean, you told me about the doctor and all the crap he did to you. Why would you want any man, let alone one like me? Shoot, I can’t even talk without sounding like Adam Sandler in the Waterboy.”

  “You saved my life. No one else, except for Annie, would have thought enough of me to do that.”

  He shook his head. “You don’t owe me anything, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

  She leaned up at the waist and put her other hand on his back. “Like you said earlier, we make a good pair…if you want to be.” She watched his face redden again and moved the hand that she had placed on his forearm lightly on his cheek. “You wouldn’t be embarrassed to be with me?” she asked, needing confirmation.

  He shook his head slowly then lowered his face to hers and kissed her softly. He pulled away from her and looked at her seriously. “I think Laptu has been cleaning the dust off of you.”

  She looked confused as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “I’ve got yeti drool on my lips.”

  She laughed, relieved, and threw her arms around his neck and he wrapped his arms around her body, squeezing her. “I thought I smelled spit…so where do we go from here?”

  He shrugged. “Nan wants me to get some things for the island and I need to take those skulls someplace that won’t lead the dead to us.”

  “We need to,” she corrected him in part, but decided to leave her real question unanswered. She didn’t want Arlington to fry a circuit, overloading him.

  “I’d rather you stay here.”

  “And I’d rather you didn’t tell me what to do,” she said in a firm, but soft tone of voice. He smiled sheepishly. “Sorry, but if you’re gonna go with me then you need to rest for a few days first.”

  Nita didn’t argue with that; she felt like she could sleep for at least that long, she was exhausted, both physically and mentally.

  Arlington whipped his head toward the door when he heard whispering from the other side of it. It had to be Nan, eavesdropping. He couldn’t get mad at her though, Nan was a sweetheart and she really wasn’t doing anything wrong, she was just young, impatient and wanted to know every minute detail. Then he heard Death’s voice in a hushed, chastising tone.

  Arlington looked back at Nita and whispered. “It looks like we won’t have to tell those two.”

  “I think I’ll tell them anyway,” Nita said and kissed him again. Arlington had never seen her smile so brightly and he felt his stomach knot up with nerves. “Will you stay with me while I sleep?”

  “Scootch over,” Arlington said and after she did he stretched out beside her and she laid her head on his chest, one arm draped over his stomach, rubbing it lightly.

  “So are we…together, now?”

  “You mean…?” he asked and she nodded.

  “As long as you want me, I s'pose,” he said and brushed her hair from across her forehead. She sighed and squeezed against him. It was a content sound that
she hadn’t made for a long, long time, and he liked that sound, it made him feel wanted, appreciated…needed. Arlington thought that if this feeling was any indication, then all those years of compartmentalizing his fears and emotions had really been a waste.

  Chapter 71 - Cat Island

  Cat Island

  At Juanita’s suggestion they allowed Laptu to stay on the island to entertain himself and Diego’s children. The duo had no trouble finding weapons and ordinance. In fact they had found enough to outfit a small army but Arlington insisted that when they finished their business at Cat Island he and Nita would scavenge more weapons to equip the ships that docked on Easter Island. They left Nan to implement the defenses as they set out for answers that had eluded them.

  The monastery that rested at the peak of Mount Alvernia was called, The Hermitage.

  “We’ll have to land in the valley closest to the mountain. There’s no place the ship will fit on the mountain top,” Basil said.

  Arlington looked at Juanita knowing she wouldn’t be particularly happy to hear that. He braced himself as he said, “I don’t think you’ll be able to climb up there, Nita.”

  Her lips were tight. “Maybe we should get Death or Nan to go with you then,” she said and silently cursed her short stature. Although she knew what Arlington said was true and that she would not be able to make the trek without having a week to do it, she was still angry.

  “Nita, I need to talk to those monks. I think they might have some information that could help us,” he said, placing his hands on her shoulders. Her eyes locked on his, but she gave no answer.

  He tried changing his tactics. “You sure are cute when you’re mad,” Arlington said smiling his crooked grin.

  She narrowed her eyes with an obvious lack of amusement. Making light of the situation probably hadn’t been his best course of action. He knelt down in front of her, and from his crouch he had to look up at her, but she didn’t so much as blink.