Vynn (War Cats Book 4)

by Grace Brennan

  He was way too fucked up. Even if he could let go of his revenge, he was still too fucked up for her. She deserved better. Someone steady. Someone who could help her, someone who could be what she needed. He couldn’t be that man. Plain and simple.

  This time it was the pain in his own heart that took his breath, almost doing him in. Fuck, he wanted to be all that for her. That he couldn’t was eating him alive.

  The doorbell rang and he looked over in surprise. No one had stopped by or even called since he walked home, naked and alone, the day she left. He hadn’t seen anyone period. He never left the house. He was assuming everything was okay and the Drako guy who was threatening Kian and Jessica had backed off, because he hadn’t been called for backup. But for all he knew, the world could have gone to hell, and he wouldn’t have realized, because he hadn’t even opened his door.

  Hell, he hadn’t even been called for a warrior meeting. And he knew there had to have been some. Maybe everyone was just as happy to see him gone from their lives as he’d been to hide in the darkness of his home.

  It rang again and he cursed, stalking over to swing it open. Zane was standing on his doorstep, expression impatient. When he got a good look at Vynn, his eyebrows shot up high. “Man, you look like shit.”

  He pushed in past him, walking to the living room, and Vynn scowled as he shut the door. “What the hell do you want, Zane?”

  “No one has seen you in three weeks. Needed to make sure you were still alive.”

  “Aw, I’m touched by your worry,” he mocked, folding his arms as he joined him in the living room.

  Zane scowled. “Don’t be a dick. And maybe I was hoping I’d find you dead. Maybe it wasn’t worry, just hope.” His eyes narrowed as he looked Vynn over. “You’ve lost weight. Your beard is long and crazy. And when’s the last time you washed your hair, Sardana?”

  “Fuck off, Stryker.”

  Zane’s scowl faded as he studied him. “Seriously, what the hell are you thinking? Why haven’t you gone after Ashley? I expected you to set off right after her.”

  He exhaled, pushing his hand through his hair, noticing how oily the overly long strands were for the first time. Gross. Maybe he should at least shower more often. He didn’t see the point in doing anything these days, but it couldn’t hurt.

  “She’s better off without me.”

  “Normally, I’d agree. But I saw how much you loved her the day she left. How is she better off without someone in her life who loves her like that? Is this about your stupid plan for revenge? Don’t look so surprised. It wasn’t hard to figure out. But if that’s the case, you really are a stupid motherfucker if you’d choose revenge over your mate.”

  “I don’t even care about the revenge anymore. Nothing is more important than her. That’s why I’m not following her.”

  Zane followed his gaze to the portrait above the mantel and frowned. “Is this about your asshole dad?”

  He frowned as he looked at the man who’d once been his friend. “Why the fuck do you care? Why are you here, Zane?”

  Zane shrugged, looking uncomfortable. “Just been thinking about things. Maybe you were right. I’ve been being a dick all based on my own suspicions, which you had nothing to do with. Based on thinking you’d do the same shit I would have tried to do. I was fucking wrong, okay? Is that what you wanted to hear?”

  A ghost of a smile played on Vynn’s lips for just a moment, withering as quickly as it appeared. “It never hurts to hear you say shit like that.” Heaving a breath, he sank down on the couch, his eyes flitting to the portrait and away again. “I’m too fucked up. Everything’s too fucked up.”

  “She didn’t think so. She loved you anyway. All she wanted was for you to work on it. Not just sit still in one spot, believing some shit about how you can’t help it, it’s just the way you are. Bullshit. You don’t have to be that man if you don’t want to.”

  He considered Zane silently before speaking. “I’m not pure Indian. I’m not even pure tiger.”

  Zane’s mouth popped open. “What?”

  He nodded, watching as Zane sank down in an armchair, expression shocked. “My mom let it slip once, right before she died. Her dad was American, and he was human. Not even a shifter at all. You know how humans were thought of here when Kian’s father ruled. I don’t have more details than that, because my father flipped his shit. Beat into me that I was never to speak of it, then beat her because she told me of it. She died the next day, and I’m pretty sure it was from internal injuries my father inflicted.”

  “Holy shit,” Zane breathed. “Raul was as snobby and full of himself as he could possibly be over his pure blood. No wonder he lost it. It had to have pissed him off beyond reason, knowing his son wasn’t of pure blood. That’s how your mom died? I thought it was a fall down the stairs, although I wondered why her tiger didn’t heal her.”

  “I think her tiger was all but dead inside her. And who could blame her, after being forced to mate my father and spend her life with him?”

  “You’re just as bad as your father was about purity of line, and yet you’ve been hiding this the whole time?”

  “I told you. I’m fucked up. My father killed my mother with his beatings, and he broke something inside me with them. My old plans for revenge aren’t what’s keeping me from going after my mate. That is.”

  Zane exhaled forcefully. “Shit, man. Okay, here are my words of advice. You can’t walk down the street in Durga without finding fucked up shifters everywhere you look. We’re all that way, having grown up here. Me more than most. My tiger and I were at complete odds, and I was on the verge of asking Kian to put me down when I met Kelly. But I put the work in because I wanted to keep her. Do you want Ashley? Truly love her and want to be with her? If so, she’s worth the work. It might not be easy—it’ll probably be hell—but the rewards, having your mate in your life, are worth it. Think about that, but don’t take too long. A woman like Ashley won’t wait around forever.”

  He watched as Zane stood and walked to the door, letting himself out. Fuck. Maybe Zane had a point. Maybe it was time to man up, stop having a childish fucking pity party, and truly make the effort to be worthy of her. She was definitely worth that much.

  And he had to stop believing that things were the way they were and that was that, end of story. That was a total fucking cop out. Things were the way they were because rather than try to change them, he’d accepted it all and let them be that way.

  He’d stubbornly clung to back assward beliefs. Refused to make an effort to grow or evolve past the man his father told him he had to be. Raul had been dead for years, yet the hold he had on Vynn was as sure as it’d been when he was still alive.

  He thought his first step needed to be breaking that hold. Shoving off the couch, he strode toward the fireplace to light the fire. It hadn’t been lit since Ashley left. He hadn’t put the effort into anything, whether it was something necessary like eating, or simple pleasures like a hot fire, something he’d always enjoyed.

  And he was suddenly disgusted with himself. Who the hell was he? He’d always thought of himself as a strong man. A top badass in a tribe full of badasses. But he wasn’t. He’d been weak for so long. Allowing his father to rule him from the grave. Being a total dick to everyone around him, even when he knew, deep in his gut, that they were right.

  And that included deciding that someone else was responsible for the scar on his cheek. He was the only one responsible for that. Sure, Ian clawed him and Luke forced a shift, but if he hadn’t been so fucking arrogant and condescending, if he hadn’t taunted Ian about his mate to begin with, it never would have happened.

  Yesss, his tiger said inside him. Finally, you’re getting it! I was starting to think you never would.

  Yeah, I understand now. I think I always did, I was just clinging to my old beliefs. Fuck if I know why.

  This is what I wanted all along. Just an acknowledgement that you weren’t blameless. I’ll heal the scar now.

&n
bsp; The claw marks on his cheek started to tingle and Vynn shook his head. Wait! No. Don’t take them away. I don’t want them gone. I want the reminder. I want to remember who I am, who I really am, every time I look into the mirror.

  There was silence inside him for a long moment, and he could feel the shock rolling off his tiger. This is even more than I expected. You’ve come a long way in a short time.

  Thank Ashley for that.

  I will. And you’ll win her back. You have to.

  Yeah, I know. I’ll get her back no matter how long I have to beg on my knees for a second chance.

  Vynn fed the fire until it was leaping, surprised at his request to leave the scar. For a year, he’d been angry, bitter, and hostile toward his tiger for leaving it, and then when he finally offered, he said no.

  He really was changing inside—and it was all Ashley. Not too long ago, he’d internally mocked Zane for changing when he found Kelly. But he got it now. He understood, down deep on a level that would have scared him if he’d known it existed before Ashley.

  The fire was hissing and crackling now, the flames leaping high in the large fireplace. It was time for step one—breaking away from his father. Ending Raul’s hold on him and putting the past where it belonged.

  Standing, he grabbed the portrait off the wall, gazing down into the cold eyes of his father. “I should have done this a long fucking time ago. I’m done living the life you tried to beat into me. I’ll turn into you in a few years if I don’t break your hold now, and that’s the last thing I want. You were a miserable bastard who didn’t know jack shit about what it meant to be a man, let alone how to live a good life. Fuck off, Raul.”

  Feeling stupid for talking to his father’s portrait, he tossed it into the fire, watching the flames leap to consume it.

  Yeah, he felt stupid, but he felt better, too. Lighter. Like a weight had been on his shoulders and chains were crisscrossing his body, and now he was free of both. Shit, that felt amazing. He definitely should have done this a long time ago.

  He ran his hand through his hair, grimacing again at the feel of his oily locks. First step, breaking the hold his father had over him. Second step, a shower. And a beard trim, he thought, as he got a glimpse of himself in the mirror.

  Fuck, Zane had been right, he looked like shit. His hair was longer than normal, hanging in limp strings. His beard was wild and out of control, and his face was thinner, cheekbones sharp. His eyes were dull, and he looked gaunt.

  Then his eyes fell on his scar, and for the first time ever, he wasn’t filled with shame and loathing at the sight. Instead, he felt determination and resolve settle over him, filling his veins with fire.

  After he had a shower and finally ate something, he had some work to do. Breaking his chains by burning the portrait was only the first step in the process. He still had a lot of work to do to become the man Ashley deserved.

  But he was going to do it even if it took him a lifetime. She was worth every bit of it.

  It better not take that long, his tiger said. I need my mate. You need our mate. Make this happen sooner rather than later.

  I’ll do everything in my power, he vowed.

  With determination burning through his veins, he turned to walk to the shower. He was going to make himself into a whole new man, and Ashley wasn’t going to know what hit her.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Vynn looked at himself in the mirror, wondering once again if it was time to get his mate yet. It’d been a little over a week since his vow, and he’d devoted every spare inch to tearing into himself. Every thought, every emotion, every fear and desire—he’d ripped into them and analyzed everything. Every memory, all his past actions, everything he wanted for the future—ripped into.

  Every corner of his mind, every crevice of his heart.

  Every-fucking-thing had been gone over with a fine-tooth comb.

  The problem was, he didn’t know how to know if he was ready. He thought he was. His tiger thought he was. But how did he know for sure? And how did he become a different man?

  Because despite thinking he’d made as much progress as he could, he still felt like Vynn. He was still a sarcastic asshole to Zane. Still closemouthed to the rest of the tribe. Still loved to be a dickhead and mess with others’ perceptions of him.

  He definitely hadn’t changed enough, then. Fuck.

  You have. You’re fine. You’re what she needs, so go get her already, his tiger pleaded.

  Nope. He didn’t buy it. His cat wanted his mate desperately, and he wouldn’t put it past him to lie so he could have her. Hell, the animal ought to know that Vynn wanted her, too. But he wouldn’t go to her unless he could be what she wanted. What she needed.

  And he just didn’t think he was there yet.

  At least he looked better. Cocking his head, he studied his reflection. His eyes were clear, and his face had lost its gaunt look. He was clean, and he definitely smelled better. The thought made one corner of his mouth tick up.

  His hair was clean, and he’d had a trim, bringing it back to the way he usually wore it. But the big difference was his beard. It was virtually gone now, shaved down to dark, perfectly trimmed stubble. He’d grown the short beard after he’d been scarred, in an attempt to cover the mark of his shame.

  But it wasn’t a mark of shame any longer. It was physical proof of his change. It was out there for the world to see, barely covered, worn proudly. He ran his fingers over the claw marks, a smile curling his lips.

  He might be the same Vynn mostly, but in some ways, he was nothing like the man he’d been before meeting Ashley.

  The doorbell rang and he exhaled as he turned to walk to the front door, knowing who it was. Zane had turned into a mother hen. Could have knocked Vynn over with a feather when the other man started showing up every day, hanging out, inviting him back to his and Kelly’s place for dinner.

  And then, two days ago, Kelly had her baby. A little boy with green eyes and blond hair who looked just like his daddy. Vynn was, surprisingly, one of the first people Zane called over. And when he saw the little tiger shifter, named Zander, and held him in his arms for the first time, all he could think was that was what he wanted. To be with Ashley, to start a family with her one day. To hold his own cub in his arms.

  It was weird to be friends with Zane again. It was the same—the same camaraderie, once they got past their issues with each other. The same never-ending shit they slung at each other. But it was also different, because they were different. In a good way, though. It was all better.

  Swinging the door open, he said, “You don’t have to check up on me every day, Zane…”

  The words on his lips died as he saw Ashley on his doorstep, and his heart and tiger both went nuts inside him. He froze, feeling his eyes widen. She was probably the last person he expected to see, but fuck, he was glad she was there.

  Her gray streaked green eyes said her fox was near the surface, and they were full of uncertainty. Her gaze roamed over him in a look he swore he felt, and when she glanced back up, she smiled hesitantly.

  “Hi, Vynn.”

  And like a moron, he just stood there, staring dumbly at her. Her shoulders dropped and her smile slipped away, and it was when he saw that that he finally kicked into gear.

  “Ashley! Sorry, you just surprised me. Do you want to come in?”

  She nodded and he stood aside, sucking in a breath when she walked by him. He swore he felt the electricity her body contained, even though they never touched. She looked around the house, and he was thankful that everything looked normal. The place was clean for the first time in a month, and a fire crackled cheerily in the fireplace. Thank fuck he’d gotten his act together this week. He would have hated for her to see the mess his life was then, when he’d basically given up.

  Closing the door, he gestured toward the living room. “Have a seat.”

  They sat on opposite ends of the couch and her gaze turned to him. He forced himself to hold still as she studied him
, and watched as her eyes landed on his scar, clearly visible through his reduced beard.

  “You shaved. Kind of.”

  Nodding, he met her gaze, taking in the questions and hope in her eyes. “I did. I wanted it to be visible. It’s not a mark of shame to me any longer.”

  She wet her lips and he suppressed a groan, longing to do it for her, but knowing it was too soon. He waited for the questions he thought she’d ask, but she didn’t say anything more about it.

  “You look good. Thinner, but good. And what was that bit about Zane? When I left, you two weren’t getting along. Are you finally friends again?”

  “Yeah. We worked through our differences. He’s been coming by a lot lately.”

  The hope burned brighter in her gray-green eyes, but she still didn’t ask any of the questions he knew she wanted to ask. Was she not there to reconcile, like he’d hoped? To see her and not try to fix things—well, if that wasn’t what she wanted, it would crush his soul.

  “So I got stopped by guards coming in. The gates were closed.”

  He nodded, thinking the small talk was going to kill him. “Yeah, Kian ordered them closed the day I killed Ben. We still don’t know anything about Drako, whoever he is, so there’s still a threat looming against him and Jessica. Ben didn’t say they were coming after the tribe. He only mentioned them by name.”

  “You guys haven’t solved that?”

  “No way to solve it when no one even knows what it means. The tribe is still on high alert though. Nothing else has happened, but we’ll be expecting it when it does.”

  “Could Drako be code for someone in the tribe?”

  “No, we think it’s an outside threat. That’s something we weren’t prepared for. Kian and Zane thought the threat to them would come internally, from someone who wants the tribe how it used to be. Still, we’re on guard, and we’ll catch the bastard when he makes another move, if he ever does.”