by Freya Barker
The small smile on her face, and the barely there return hug tells me I just waded through a minefield and managed to avoid a massive explosion. Grabbing a knife from the block on the counter, I deftly slice the donut in half, sliding the plate with one-half to Emmy and taking a bite off the other.
Gunnar walks up behind me and slides his arm around my waist, his hand spreading over my stomach.
“You amaze me,” he whispers in my ear, sending shivers down my back.
Gunnar
“Are you gonna marry my dad?”
Emmy shocks me with the forward question. She’s not usually this direct, and by the looks of it, she’s completely taken Syd by surprise too. Her mouth opens but nothing comes out, so she immediately snaps it shut, turning her eyes on me, pleading for help.
“Emmy,” I draw my daughter’s attention. “Don’t put Syd on the spot. We haven’t gotten that far yet.”
“But she makes you happy. I just want you to be happy like this all the time.” From the mouths of babes ...
I reach out and stroke my daughter’s long blonde hair away from her face. “You and your brother make me happy and I couldn’t ever do without you. Syd is my cherry-on-top; the chocolate sprinkles on my ice cream. Life is great with you guys, but better with Syd there too.”
“Making me hungry again, Dad!” Dex yells from the living room, making me chuckle.
Emmy has slipped off her stool and has her arms wrapped around my waist and her face planted in my shirt. When I look up, I catch a soft look and suspiciously shimmering eyes. Syd is looking at us with a yearning that’s almost tangible.
“Hey you,” I prompt her, “come over here.” I hold my arm out to snag her to my side, planting a kiss on her head. Fuck me. Having my two girls pressed against me is enough to choke me up, but the doorbell is an instant cure.
Dex is dashing for the door and before I know it, has it open to reveal an unhappy looking Cindy.
“Mom!”
Emmy slips from my hold and goes to greet her mother, whose hateful eyes have not wavered from the woman in my arms, ignoring her children right in front of her. I can feel Syd trying to slip away, but I won’t let her move, only tucking her in closer to my side. Both kids are now looking from their mother to me, worry starting to move over their faces.
“Cindy. What can I do for you?” I keep my anger at her intrusion contained and manage to speak evenly.
A red flush, I recognize as the onset of an alcohol-induced tantrum, colors her face as she tosses her hair back. “What you can do, is give me my kids,” she slurs, her hands on her hips in a challenge.
Emmy and Dex are both taking a few steps back from where she’s standing. “Mom, you’re drunk,” Emmy points out but she’s ignored by her mother.
“You have that piece of trash around my kids? A fucking wharf rat who probably sold her body for booze or drugs. And a murderer to boot!” Her voice turns shrill as she screams while Dex stands there with his hands over his ears and Emmy has big tears rolling over her face as she watches her mother lose it completely. I let go of Syd and in a few large steps, I’m in Cindy’s face, itching to put my hands around her neck.
“Shut the fuck up, woman!” I bellow, causing her to blanch a little.
I can hear Syd’s soft voice coaxing the children away behind me, and as soon as I hear their footsteps going up the stairs and out of earshot, I lean in close to Cindy’s face, wincing at the wafts of alcohol coming off her.
“What the fuck is wrong with you? First you go drunk to their school, causing a ruckus after they don’t hear from you for fucking weeks! Upsetting Dex and making an ass of yourself. Now you come here? Drunk off your ass, wanting to take them with you? Are you fucking insane? You didn’t even look at them when they ran to you. Get the fuck out of here. You’ll have nothing to do with the kids until you get your ass clean and your priorities straight!” I stop for a breath, and to calm myself before continuing, “And don’t you ever... Ever talk about Syd that way again! What you said is slander, Cindy, punishable by law. And let me tell you, I will not hesitate to take action if you open your mouth again.”
I take a step back, trying to reign in my anger when I notice the glint in her eyes. The bitch is up to something. I know it before she opens her mouth to speak.
“It isn’t slander if it’s the truth,” she tries, but I cut her off.
“Defending yourself against an attacker is just that, self-defense, you ignorant, vindictive bitch!”
Surprised, she raises her eyebrows.
“Self-defense? What are you talking about? I’m talking about the kid she killed—her own kid!”
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Gunnar
It’s the shock of those harsh words. I hear her sharp intake of breath behind me and I’m frozen to the spot when she slips by me and out the door, taking off running. It’s the only explanation I have for not stopping Syd or immediately going after her.
It takes all of my restraint not to wipe the smug grin off Cindy’s face.
“Get out, now. Or by God I won’t be able to stop myself from putting my hands on you.”
With her lips in a tight, straight line in her face, she turns to walk out the door, but at the bottom of the steps, she turns back. “Just so you know, I’ll be calling CPS. You’re not keeping my kids from me.”
The lunacy of that statement hits me just as she starts up the car and weaves out of the driveway.
I immediately grab my phone to call Syd when I realize she doesn’t have a cell phone. Fuck! I quickly dial Viv instead and in as few words as possible, explain what happened and to keep an eye out for Syd. Without waiting for an answer, I hit end and run up the stairs, two at a time, to get to my kids. I find both of them in Dex’s room, huddled on the bed together. Dex is sniffling in Emmy’s arms while she’s holding it together, just barely. The moment they see me, they launch themselves at me. Under the weight of my two children and the final piece of the puzzle that is Syd, I sink down on the bed.
“Is it true? What mom said about Syd? She’s a murderer?” Dex’s voice suddenly sounds much smaller than his nine years.
“Of course not,” Emmy pipes up before I can answer. “Mom is just drunk and mean and I never, ever want to see her again!” Pulling her head toward me, I press a kiss to her forehead.
“Was she lying, Dad?” Dex insists.
Jesus. I don’t have to wait for Syd’s explanation, I know Cindy was spouting off some bullshit. Syd would never hurt someone willingly unless she had no choice, but her reaction to Cindy’s words were evidence that there is truth to some of what she said.
“I think your mom wasn’t thinking when she talked about Syd, kiddo. I know something bad happened to Syd a long time ago and she lost her child, which is really awful. She tried to tell me what happened but things kept coming up.” As the words leave my mouth, I realize how true they are. She was ready to tell me yesterday. She kept hinting that once she did, it would change the way I feel about her. That’s why she didn’t want me to tell her I love her. I fucking love her.
Lifting the kids off me, I reach for my phone and dial Mrs. Danzel, asking her if she would be able to come over right away. Indicating she’d be here in fifteen minutes, I turn to the kids who are both looking at me expectantly.
“You’re going after her, aren’t you Dad?” This from Emmy, who never doubted Syd, not even for a minute. I draw resolve from her young hopeful face.
“Sure am, girl. Gonna find her and bring her back.”
“What about Mom?” Dex wants to know. I kneel on the floor in front of the bed so I can look him straight in the eye.
“Your mom is not in a good place right now, and she’s dragging everyone down with her. She needs help getting better. I’ll do what I can to see that she gets it, but in the meantime, you two need to avoid her and call me immediately if she shows up anywhere you are, okay?”
The two solemn faces nodding at me nearly do me in. I hate Cindy’s guts for what
she’s put them through, but she’s their mother, and I’ll move heaven and earth for my kids. Another reason why I need to find Syd and talk this out, because she puts smiles on their faces. Fuck, who am I kidding; she puts a smile on mine too.
I’m positive she ran, thinking I’d turn on her, but whatever it is she thinks she’s done, we’ll work through. I just need a chance to tell her that—let her know there is no running away from me ... from us.
Giving the kids a quick hug and kiss, I head downstairs so I can open the door for the babysitter when she gets here. I quickly call Viv to see if she’s heard or seen anything, but there’s no answer. Next I try the pub, hoping she may have gone home. No luck there either. Damn.
When Mrs. Danzel finally knocks, I’m ready to go, my jacket and boots on. In a few words, I explain to her that we just had some drama with Cindy and under no circumstances is she to talk to the kids or come inside. With a quick goodbye yelled up the stairs, I head out, aiming for my car when my phone rings. I answer as I slide into the driver’s seat.
“Gunnar, it’s Viv. I know where she is. Meet me on Preble Street, at the Florence House.”
“Ten minutes,” I tell her, already pulling out of the driveway. Relief courses through me. For a minute there, I’d been worried Cindy might’ve done something crazy. She left not that long after Syd, but knowing she made her way to Pam takes a load off my shoulders. Needing to get to her as fast as I can, I race through the streets of Portland.
Viv is already standing on the sidewalk and when I pull up in the first available parking spot a little down the road, she’s jogging towards me.
“What exactly happened? When I called earlier to ask Pam if she’d seen Syd, all she said was that she was with her and a mess.” Viv sounded out of breath and pissed.
“Cindy came to the door this morning, drunk. She saw Syd in the kitchen and went off on her, basically calling her a whore and murderer. Said Syd killed her kid.”
Viv slaps her hand over her mouth and her eyes fill with tears as she looks up at me with big eyes.
“No shit?”
“Syd heard her and I didn’t move fast enough when she took off running. The kids were upstairs and upset. They’d had a front row seat. Christ! That bitch has done so much damage.”
Suddenly I find Viv up in my face, a fist clenched in the front of my shirt, hissing, “Don’t talk about her like that.”
I pull her hand away and set her back a step before leaning in so I can look her in the eyes. “Fuck, Viv. You fucking know me better than that. Cindy, you dumbass. I was talking about Cindy.”
Blinking her eyes a few times, and with a slightly embarrassed smile on her lips, she mouths ‘sorry’.
“I just ... I mean Syd would never...”
Having wasted enough time on the sidewalk, I grab Viv’s elbow and steer her up the path to the front door of the house. Before we have a chance to knock, the door opens. Pam stands there with her hands on her hips, looking at me accusingly. What the fuck?
“I should kick your ass for having been married to such a mean-spirited piece of trash. And you—“ She turns her glare on Viv next. “—what were you thinking, bringing him here? In case you haven’t noticed, this is a shelter—a sanctuary—and you two storming up the path are scaring the shit out of my residents.”
Duly scolded, we wait until she’s done glaring. “You’re lucky I’m gonna let you in to talk to her, but say anything to upset her and I’ll—“
I hold up my hands to stop her. “Not here to upset her, but Pam, you don’t fucking let me see her, I’m gonna seriously lose my shit.”
Without another word, she turns and walks into the house with Viv and I closely on her heels.
Syd
“Hey, little Bird,” Gunnar smiles softly from behind Pam as they walk through the door of her office.
The relief that floods me at seeing warmth in his eyes instead of the expected derision brings tears to my eyes, again.
The moment I heard the condemning words from Cindy’s mouth, I knew I’d missed my opportunity. I should’ve confessed long ago, but couldn’t bring myself to. And when my first real effort at coming clean was thwarted yesterday by Cindy’s appearance at Dex’s school, I simply didn’t have the guts to try again. Not after spending the day with Gunnar and the kids, making me fall in love with all of them even more. Then there were the problems piling up left, right, and center on Gunnar’s shoulders already. Rather than telling him what he deserves to know, I told him I love him instead.
So I ran.
I ran with tears running down my face and a crater in my chest the size of the Grand Canyon where my heart used to be. But instead of hiding, something I’d been very adept at, I ran toward help. The cab I managed to flag down got me to Preble Street in short order. Pam only took a second to take me in when she opened the door to my knock before I found myself wrapped in her strong arms. I stood embarrassed in the doorway while Pam paid the cab, since I didn’t have anything with me, before guiding me into her office. She didn’t speak at all while I rambled, not holding back anything. Didn’t even blink when I was telling her about this morning’s confrontation and the truth behind it. But the moment I was done purging, she pounced.
“My guess is he’ll be here soon,” she says cryptically, and at my confused look, she adds, “Gunnar.”
I shake my head and I’m about to tell her he wouldn’t want to see me when she suddenly gets up and walks out of the office, only to walk back in just now with Gunnar and Viv in tow.
Gunnar kneels in front of my chair and wipes at my cheeks with the back of his hand.
“Could I have a minute with Syd alone?” he says, never taking his eyes off me.
“We’ll be in the kitchen.” I hear Pam say, but my eyes never waver from his either.
With the soft click of the door latching, Gunnar is on his feet, lifting me out of the chair before sitting back down with me on his lap.
“Not my first choice of locations for me to tell you I love you, but extenuating circumstances and all ...”
I’m sure the look of shock on my face must be what causes him not to finish that thought. Love me? “What?” I whisper and he responds by taking my face in his hands.
“You heard me; I love you, Sydney Donner. Or Syd, or whatever you choose to call yourself.”
“But how? You heard her—“
“I don’t listen to her. I’d rather listen to you. Tell me.” I hesitate, not wanting the hope that’s flared up in my chest to die a quick death should he turn me away after all. But Gunnar won’t have it. “Tell me.” With his voice almost a growl and his hands sliding down my neck and over my shoulders to hold me steady by my arms, I take a deep breath.
“Chrissy? Can you get Daniel ready for preschool? I think he’s playing in his room. I’m running late for a meeting, but I’ll pick him up this afternoon. See ya!”
Christina Valejo, my Philipino nanny, sticks her head around the kitchen door and waves me off. “Go. I’ve got it.”
My head is quickly going over the checklist of things I’ll need with me for this meeting. I just finished one of my largest clients’ year-end last night and can’t afford to forget anything. They’re in the process of a merger and need every penny to be accounted for so they can hand a complete financial account over to their lawyers. This meeting is important; if I don’t have all my ducks in a row, I’ll stand to lose the account and that would put a huge dent in my business. As an independent CPA, I have only a handful of clients whose contracts have an impact on my own bottom line, and ME Shipping is leading that pack.
Of course it didn’t help any that I was only told of this meeting on Friday afternoon. And after a stressful weekend, trying to juggle my four-year-old, Daniel, my once again absent husband, and the sudden truckload of work, it’s not a surprise that it took me until 2:00 a.m. this morning to finish. I’m cursing Jacob for disappearing on another one of his unexpected ‘business’ trips this weekend. Our marriage is wha
t it is—which is not good—and I’ve been able to ignore much of what I know is going on behind my back, but lately he’s been a bit too loose in the discretion department.
The first time I found out about his infidelity, I was ready to walk out. I’d always been of a mind that cheating is an absolute deal-breaker, but Jacob’s feeble excuses, his tears and pleas not to break apart our family swayed me to stay. The next time I caught him I was just building my business and was so stressed about making it work, I was scared to concede any kind of failure. It didn’t help that my parents had always adored Jacob and they had been less than impressed that after a year at home with Daniel, I wasn’t going to be a stay at home mom and wife. A working mother for a daughter would be a blight on their perfect little world. I knew they would take Jacob’s side in any conflict, using my business as the culprit for a failed marriage. Right then and there, I decided I would stick it out, at least until Daniel was a little older and more self-sufficient. My concession was to hire Chrissy, who came highly recommended, and who’d been a salvation for me. I settled into one of the spare bedrooms and Jacob’s flings—of which I’m sure he had many—were shoved to the background. He knew better than to wave them in my face.
As of late though, he’s been less and less discreet with his extra-marital affairs, and doesn’t even try to shield them from me.
With my hands full of folders, my laptop bag, and angry thoughts of my husband fucking his side-squeeze of the moment swirling through my head, I click the button on my remote and the locks of my Mercedes pop open in response. Hurriedly, I toss what’s in my hands in the passenger seat and jam the key in the ignition.
A glance at the clock tells me I’ll be at least fifteen minutes late and I jam the transmission in gear. My foot is on the gas and I’m already backing out before I even turn to look. I feel a thud and hear a scrape. I slam on my brakes and a quick glance in the side mirror shows a familiar tricycle rolling towards the raised curb on the side of the driveway, where it bangs to a full stop.