by Freya Barker
Then there is only silence.
I can’t.
With the agonizing memories washing over me, I can’t bring myself to continue. My screams when I find Daniel’s little body crumpled half underneath the car—lifeless—are still ringing in my ears. Flashes of an ambulance ride and snippets of hysterical phone calls jumble through my mind until I see myself sitting in the small waiting room off the ER, a quickly summoned social worker by my side keeping me company and holding my hand.
The safety of Gunnar’s arms now wrapped tightly around me, lends me a little courage.
“Jacob walked in,” my voice is hoarse from crying and I can’t bring myself to look into Gunnar’s eyes. “He walked right up to me and slapped me in my face so hard, I still saw stars a day later.” Gunnar’s arms tighten almost painfully around my body, but I’m grateful for their hold. “All I can remember is the anger and the chaos. The doctor coming in to tell us Daniel didn’t make it and security being called to hold Jacob back from coming at me again. I think I would’ve welcomed whatever Jacob wanted to dole out then. Anything was better than the hell I was in. They sedated me and kept me overnight. The next day, Jacob was back with my parents.” The memory of my rumpled and distraught ex beside the perfectly attired and appropriately solemn vision of my parents pulls up a snort.
“That’s enough,” Gunnar’s gruff voice penetrates my memories as he palms the back of my head and presses my face in his neck, his head resting on mine. “Jesus.” I hear him mumble in my hair.
“They took me home, barely talking to me, their accusing glances enough for me to hide in Daniel’s room, surrounding myself with his things, his smell. Chrissy, my nanny, tried to coax me to eat, day after day, and finally I gave in on the condition she bring me a bottle of Scotch. I’d always hated the stuff and felt it was fitting I’d try to numb myself with something that tasted ugly and bitter.”
I’m silent for a moment, taking in the strength of Gunnar’s presence surrounding me, and allow myself to remember the first time I managed to drink myself into oblivion. It was the first of many.
“I missed his funeral. I was so wasted—not even my mother and her continued reminders that I’d already taken their grandson and she wasn’t about to let me take their good name as well—could get me sober enough.”
The angry growl rumbling from Gunnar’s chest against my ear makes me smile a little.
“Sofia—my sister—tried to reason with me. Even months later, she was still trying until I finally told her I didn’t want to see her again. I was bitter, angry, and jealous of the happy family she had with Brad and the girls. I haven’t seen her or my nieces since...” My voice trails off with thoughts of my older sister. The one person who’d always stood up for me whenever my parents tried to wrestle me into what they thought was appropriate conduct for a ‘Donner’. I wrecked that as well.
Exhausted and tired of talking, I finally lift my eyes to find Gunnar’s beautiful green ones looking down at me, deceptively shiny.
A sniffle from behind us has me turn my head to find Pam and Viv leaning in the doorway, Pam’s face calm in comparison to Viv’s, which is blotchy with tears.
“Sorry, honey,” Pam says. “We heard you screaming and came to check. We should’ve walked away as soon as we saw Gunnar was taking care of you, but—“
“I screamed?” I interrupt her.
“When you were remembering. For a bit there, I lost you. Had to hold you down.” Gunnar explains. My memories had hit me hard and reliving them agony.
“I guess I did lose it because I can’t remember that. Anyway,” I turn back to Viv, “I’m glad you heard. Relieved in a way.” I look around me at all the warm and sympathetic eyes on me. “Surprised too, that you’re all still here.”
“What did you expect?” Pam asks. “For us to turn our backs and judge you? For what? Girl, if I had your mother in front of me now, I’d mess up her expensive coif. Turn that shit into dreadlocks.”
I can’t stop the giggle escaping at the visual of my perfectly groomed mother with her hair sticking out in tight twists, and then I burst into tears.
“I’m taking her home.” Gunnar announces, and before I can even move, he has me up in his arms and walks me right out the door, down the sidewalk and to his truck. The moment he has me seated and slides into the driver’s seat, he turns to me, cupping my cheek with his hand. “Also not the best place, but it bears repeating; I love you.”
My heart full in my chest and my mouth unable to formulate my thoughts, I turn to look out the front window while he starts up the truck and drives us home.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Gunnar
She gutted me in there.
I check her profile as she stares out the windshield when I pull into my driveway. The strain is visible in the tight lines on her face and I wish I could do something—anything—to wipe them away.
Pam had whispered to call her when I walked past her with an exhausted Syd in my arms, and I will. Now that the proverbial can of worms is opened, there is no way to shut it back down. Her memories are going to continue haunting her and it fucking kills me.
I shut off the engine and twist my torso so I can fully face her. Putting my hand on her neck, she tears herself away from whatever it is she sees through the window. I’m sure it isn’t the garage door in need of paint. Slowly she scans her surroundings before turning to face me.
“You brought me here?”
“Said I’d take you home, Bird.”
“But the kids—“ With panic sneaking into her eyes, I have to stop her.
“Are fine. Once I got Cindy to leave, I spent some time talking to them.” I try to reassure her.
“Did they hear?”
I could lie to put her mind at ease, but the reality is I don’t know if the kids wouldn’t blurt something out and make things even more painful, so I opt for the truth.
“They did, but they were upset for you. They know their mother was using ugly words to provoke me, and they get that it said more about her than about you.”
Carefully I peel away the hands she had slapped over her eyes.
“What are you gonna tell them?” she wants to know in a shaky voice.
“We. What are we gonna tell them—the truth. I will do the talking but I think both of us should be there.” I squeeze her hands in mine as she takes a deep breath.
“I still can’t believe you’re still here. That I’m here. I thought you wouldn’t want me around your kids anymore—around you. It’s not what I expected to have happen once you knew it all.”
Still holding the back of her neck, I pull her towards me as I lean in. Our noses are almost touching and I can feel her shallow breathing against my skin. “It was an accident. A horrible, tragic, unfair and random accident. I can’t even imagine the devastation you’ve endured and still do, but Syd? Your ex and your parents should be the ones feeling guilty. No one could have predicted what would happen and therefore prevented it, but they had the power... fuck, they had the responsibility to help you through your grief. Instead they turned on you. The whole fucking lot of them, loading you up with more guilt on top of the immeasurable amount you were already loading on yourself.”
Her head is bowed and tears are dripping down from her face. I tilt her chin up with my hand, forcing her to look at me.
“That is not going to happen here, little bird. I don’t care how long it takes, but I will remind you every time you struggle, what an amazing person you are, how much you are needed, and how deeply you are loved.” Leaning in, I kiss her lips and swallow the words she whispers.
“Thank you.”
The kids were just inside the door, being held back by Mrs. Danzel. Looking sweet and grandmotherly, the small grey-haired woman had a spine of steel and managed my kids with an ease I’m envious of. If not for her, I’m sure Emmy and Dex would have come storming out of the house the minute we pulled up in the driveway.
By the time I walk in the door, my arm firmly
around Syd, Dex is almost jumping up and down. “You found her!” And without hesitation, he barrels into Syd, wrapping his arms around her midsection. Her own arms automatically hold him close, his head buried against her chest. He flips it back to look up at her. “My mom’s a meanie. Even Emmy says so. Right Emmy?”
My eyes inadvertently slide to my daughter who hasn’t moved from her spot, her arms wrapped around herself and her focus on Syd. Syd sees it too, and with more resolve than I’ve seen on anyone before, she gently unwraps Dex’s arms from around her, moves from under my protective one and takes a step to stand in front of my girl.
“Emmy?” her soft voice gentle and probing.
“I’m sorry,” my daughter starts, but is immediately stopped by Syd, who places her hand on Emmy’s cheek.
“Nothing to be sorry for, sweetie. I think we should all have a talk,” she says, resolute.
Once again, I’m blown away. The moment she’s faced with my kids, Syd pulls herself out of the emotional quicksand of her past to focus on them. Straightening her back and lifting her chin, she takes charge, grabbing Emmy’s hand and pulling her into the living room, Dex trailing behind them.
“I’ll be heading home. I’ll leave you to it,” Mrs. Danzel puts her hand on my shoulder and gives it a little squeeze as she passes. “That girl has a hole in her heart I’m afraid no one can mend, but the three of you can pour the rest of her heart so full, she’ll barely know it’s there.” With a little smile, she’s out the door before I have a chance to say anything.
After a gut-wrenching conversation with the kids that had everyone in tears, again, I snuck away on the back deck to give Viv a quick call at the pub.
“Hey boss, how are things going?”
“If I never see a tear again it wouldn’t be soon enough. But things are all right, considering.”
“What about the kids?”
“They’re on eggshells around Syd, almost scared to talk to her. After she went to lay down they asked me a million questions.” I run my hand through my hair. “Christ, Viv. I never thought parenting would be this hard. Syd was a trooper and sat with her hands clenched in her lap while I filled in the story during the parts where she was about to lose it. I never imagined—“
“It’s unimaginable, that’s why. I knew there was something so deeply tragic about her. From the first time I laid eyes on her, she just didn’t seem the type. Too clean and well-groomed, despite the fact she’d been living off the street for over a year by then. And when she started talking more, I could tell she was educated. Clear minded too. Knowing her full story, it all makes sense now. I hurt for her, Gunnar.” Viv stifles a sob.
“I do too. Fuck me, I do too.” I need a minute to collect myself before moving on to practical matters. “Did you get a hold of Dino?”
“Yeah, he’s already here, and so are Matt and Leanne. I think we’ll be ok, Gunnar. We should be able to manage without you today. It gets crazy tonight, I can always call Frankie or one of my brothers to jump in. Those guys won’t have anything useful to do on a Saturday night anyway,” she chuckles. “Would serve them right to be called into action—and not the kind of action they’re usually after on party night. The women of Portland and surrounding areas will thank me to get those idiots of the street for one night.”
Relieved to know Viv seemed to have everything in hand, I’m suddenly anxious to go back inside.
“Gonna check in with you after the lunch rush, yeah?”
“Sounds good, boss. Take good care of her.”
“Not a hardship, Viv,” I tell her with a smile creeping onto my face.
“Not telling me anything I wasn’t already aware of, my friend.” I can hear her snicker as she disconnects.
Before I have a chance to head inside, Emmy pulls open the sliding door. “Dad! Syd’s having a dream or something. I can hear her screaming.” Taking a second to ruffle my girl’s hair and tell her not to worry, I rush up the stairs when I hear the loud keening and find Dex is standing outside my bedroom door, worry all over his face.
“Hey, kiddo. Go play, okay? I’ll make sure she’s all right.” Giving him a playful punch on his arm, I go into the bedroom, closing the door behind me.
Syd’s on the bed, tangling herself in the quilt I put over her earlier. She hadn’t felt like getting undressed and under the covers, so she’s still wearing her clothes from this morning. Kicking off my boots, I climb on the bed and gather her up in my arms, trying to prevent from getting hit with an elbow or flying fist by holding her firmly while trying to calm her with my voice. It doesn’t take long for her to settle and open her eyes. Even with her face drawn and tearstained, her large luminous blue eyes are gorgeous.
“What happened?” Her sleepy voice puts a smile on my face. So fucking cute.
“You were crying out in your sleep. You were dreaming.” I mumble, loosening my tight hold on her body. Her hands come up to settle on my chest.
“Was I loud?”
Ignoring the question, I ask one of my own. “Can you remember what you dreamt about?”
Syd fidgets in my arms and turns her eyes away. Vaguely...”
“Babe. Look at me.” I wait until she lifts her eyes before I continue. “Tell me. Don’t hold back, Bird. You should know by now I’m not gonna run. Talk to me.” I stroke her back, trying to rub the tension out of her body.
“It was Jacob. I dreamt he was trying to shove me into a grave. He forced me towards the edge and when I looked over, my boy was at the bottom; bloodied, and his body bent in unnatural ways.” She takes in a deep, shuddering breath, hanging onto her composure by the faintest of threads.
“Jesus, Syd.”
“When we were in the hospital waiting room, when the doctor told us Daniel was gone, Jacob grabbed my arm and pulled me into the room, shoving the doctor out of his way.” A tear starts rolling and she takes another shaky breath. “He looked so little, Gunnar. So broken. I couldn’t bear it so I turned my head, but Jacob wouldn’t have it. He moved behind me and with his hands holding my head, he forced me to look at my little boy.” She can’t hold back the sob that rips out of her chest. “He said, ‘Look what you’ve done’, over and over again until security pulled him away from me.”
Too choked up from rage at her ex and hurt for her pain, I kiss her forehead and tuck her under my chin where she snuggles in.
A soft knock on the door breaks the silence and then my son’s tentative voice calls out. “Dad? Is she okay?”
“Come in, Dex.” I call out and Syd tries to pull from my arms. Not gonna let her. I keep one arm firmly around her as I pull us up to a sitting position.
“Hey guys. I’m sorry if I scared you. Was I loud?” Syd immediately has her attention focused on the kids. Emmy follows right behind her brother.
“You were screaming so hard, I thought someone was in there with you!” Dex exclaims, climbing onto the bed. “Was it bad? Your nightmare?”
Syd reaches out to ruffle his hair. “It was pretty bad, but waking up to you guys is the best cure.”
Dex flops onto Syd’s chest and she holds tight to him. Then Emmy shuffles over to the bed and I reach out my other arm to pull her against my other side.
Don’t think I can remember ever having felt so fucking torn up inside as I am today. I feel raw and battered from the swirling emotions and I tell myself that is the only reason a lone tear slips, slowly rolling down my face.
Syd
“I’m coming with you. The kids can eat there and hang out at my place.”
I’m standing in front of Gunnar, my hands on my hips, emphasizing how deadly serious I am. If he thinks that after the countless times he’s proven himself by standing by me—pulling me back from drowning in darkness—I’d let him face his problems on his own, he’s got another thing coming.
After a few minutes of quiet snuggling, the kids had gotten restless and trailed out of the bedroom, undoubtedly in search of more exciting ways to spend their time. For me—I could’ve spent a lif
etime in that bed, surrounded by the complete acceptance and warmth it provided, but the shrill ring of Gunnar’s phone put an end to that fantasy. The call from Viv that trouble had just walked into the pub in the form of Sergeant Winslow, accompanied by a health inspector, effectively burst our bubble.
With a brief recap of the short conversation, Gunnar announced he had to go see to ‘business’, alone, while pulling on his boots. That’s when I jumped off the bed and got in his face.
His look of surprise at my challenge is nothing short of amusing and I struggle to keep a straight face. “Think it’s better if you stay here with the kids. I don’t know what I’m gonna be walking into.”
“Exactly,” I point out. “All the more reason for me to be there.”
His lips are drawn in a tight line and I know he’s not going to give, leaving me no choice but to bring my argument home. “You’ve done nothing but show me these last days that you’re only weak when you stand alone. You made me believe it. Well, you’re not alone either, so we’re coming. Haven’t had to face a problem alone since I met you, and I’m not about to let you deny me doing the same for you. Now get yourself ready, and I’ll get the kids.” Turning on my heels, I leave him sitting on the edge of the bed, a slightly startled expression on his face.
I’m out front with the kids, waiting for Gunnar to lock up the house when I feel him come up behind me on the step. “Don’t know why I’m caving. All I know is that new bossy attitude is a real fucking turn on,” he rumbles softly in my ear before patting my ass and moving past me to the car where the kids are already waiting. The smile that spreads over my face feels alien, but so fucking good.
The limited parking space on the wharf is almost full and it’s only five thirty. Must be a good crowd tonight and with the tight staffing, not a great time for trouble, even if it comes in the form of a cop.