by E. L. Todd
Too bad my man didn’t love it.
Stella came back to the counter and watched me sort through the new panties and bras that had arrived. “You seem like you’re doing a lot better, girl.” The topic change came out of nowhere, but since my well-being was always on her mind, it didn’t seem as jarring. “Six months ago, you were a totally different person. But now you’re smiling and seem to be in a good place.”
“Yes…I am in a good place.” It took me a long time to get here, along with many sleepless nights, but somehow, I got out of the depression and moved on with my life—while my ex lived across the hall.
“And I’m glad you and Colton could stay so close. Not very many people could do that.”
If he were someone else, I probably would have moved somewhere else and started over. But Colton was way too important to me. He was the single constant in my life, the one man who had always been there for me…even when he left me. Maybe we weren’t meant to be in love, but we were certainly meant to love each other. “We love each other too much. And love always finds a way.”
She smiled. “That’s sweet.”
Colton and I had a special relationship, the kind that could overcome anything, even something as heartbreaking as our divorce. When he’d first told me he was gay, I refused to accept it. We were so happy that it didn’t seem believable. I didn’t handle it very well, and it took me an entire month to come to terms with it. “I’m glad we made it to this point. The first three months were hard, but after that, it got a lot easier.”
“So, does that mean you’ll catch some tail tonight?” She perked up with excitement, like me getting laid was just as good as her getting laid.
I hadn’t slept with anyone new or even tried. Anytime a guy asked me out, I shot him down, regardless of how hot he was. It didn’t seem right, sleeping with someone new when I’d only been divorced for six months. “I think it’s too soon, Stella.”
Both of her eyebrows shot up her face as if she couldn’t believe what I said. “Too soon? Six months is a long time. Shit, a month is a long time.”
“Maybe if I just had a normal breakup, it would be different. But I was married.”
“So what?” she asked. “Your husband told you he was gay. You don’t owe him anything, Pepper. You have every right to sleep with whoever you want. Don’t hold back because of him.”
I was holding back for another reason, but I didn’t want to admit it out loud—not even to Stella. Once upon a time, I was a very confident woman. I was never vain, but I also knew what I was worth. I threw on lingerie and did a striptease for the men I was sleeping with. I wasn’t afraid to be open with my sexuality, to do things other women would be afraid to do. Men were always attracted to my confidence.
But being in love with a gay man changed all of that.
Had he always been gay?
Or did I make him gay?
It wasn’t a question I wanted to answer. I didn’t want Colton to answer it either. “When it’s meant to happen, it will.”
“But still, you must be dying. I can’t go more than a week without getting some action.”
“More like a weekend,” I teased.
She shrugged, unashamed.
That was one of the reasons I loved her. She wasn’t apologetic about who she was. She didn’t care what anyone thought of her.
“I’m gonna find you a guy tonight.” She smacked her hand on the counter between us. “And you better give him a chance.”
“I don’t need you to find me a guy.”
“Fine. Then you find one, and let me approve.”
“You would approve anything at this point,” I said with a laugh.
“So not true. He’s gotta be hot. Like, super-hot. You deserve an unbelievable night. Something that’s gonna get you back in the game in the most fabulous way.”
That was every woman’s dream come true. “We’ll see what happens.”
She raised an eyebrow. “So that means you’re open to it?”
I shrugged. “I’m not committing to anything. But I’m not opposed to it either.”
“Good. That’s exactly what I wanted to hear.”
The door opened, and the bell rang overhead. My shop was small so I didn’t really need the sound, but when I was measuring a bust in the dressing room, it was helpful to know someone else was in the store. I had all manner of clientele that came into the store, mostly women, but of all different ages.
It was rare for someone like him to walk inside.
Tall. Handsome. Sexy.
In a black suit and tie, he looked like a very important man with important places to go. With dark hair and green eyes, he was so pretty it seemed unreal. Within the span of a few seconds, I noticed his hard jawline, the absence of a beard because he kept up his grooming, his perfectly styled hair, and the way his custom suit fit his biceps like cling wrap.
Stella couldn’t keep herself together at all. Her mouth dropped open and she mouthed, “Daaaaamn.”
I was facing him head on, so I kept my composure, not wanting to lose my shit when I was in his line of sight. I gripped the edge of the counter and pretended everything was normal, but my blood definitely got hot under my skin. Pretty men like that didn’t walk into my shop very often.
His footsteps sounded against the hardwood floor, and then seconds later, he was at the counter. His visage up close was even better, a hint of a smile on his lips. One hand rested on the counter, his expensive watch giving me a flash.
Stella turned and stared at him, her eyes trickling down his frame all the way to his big feet. She mouthed again. “Double daaaaamn.”
I tried to ignore her and hoped he didn’t notice. “Good afternoon. How can I help you?” I didn’t let this pretty man unnerve me. He would have to be an idiot not to be aware of his perfection, so he was probably used to women drooling all over him—just the way Stella was right now.
“I have a pickup. Should be under Lacey.”
Lacey. I remembered putting together an online order yesterday. It was a two-piece lingerie set—made for a woman who was a size zero but had an incredible bust. She must have picked out her lingerie, then her boyfriend picked it up for her.
That was the most romantic thing ever—seriously.
I would love it if a man did that for me.
He continued to stare at me, and his head cocked to the side slightly when I didn’t give him a reaction.
I got lost in my fantasy for a second, imagining a hot guy like him picking up lingerie for me to wear. “Oh, of course. I have it right here.” I kneeled down and looked behind the counter until I found the bag I’d prepared the day before. It was already paid for, so I stood upright and placed the bag in front of him. “There you go. Did you need anything else?”
He didn’t check the bag. “No thank you.” He gave a charming smile, showing all of his perfect teeth, and then walked out.
My eyes moved to his ass.
That thing was as pretty as his face.
The second he was gone, Stella whipped around and nearly hissed at me. “What the hell was that?”
“What the hell was what?”
“You didn’t make a move.”
“Make a move?” A constricted laugh escaped my throat. “When? He was here for forty-five seconds.”
“That’s plenty of time.”
“Stella, you’re crazy.”
“Oh, come on.” She moved into the center of the counter where Mr. Gorgeous had just been. “The old Pepper would have been all up on that. You would have made him laugh right off the bat and then moved in within ten seconds. He would have a date with you and your lingerie tonight.”
I knew I’d really bounced back from my divorce when the suggestion made my neck flush with heat. I could picture myself with another man, his hot, naked body on top of mine. I didn’t feel guilty about it, not like I had in the past few months. After being with the same man for five years, it almost felt wrong to think of someone else that way. “You’re forg
etting something big.”
“Trust me.” She held up her hand. “I was looking for it in his slacks.”
“No, not that.” I rolled my eyes, still surprised by her audacity. “He was picking up lingerie for some other woman.”
“So…?”
“He obviously has a girlfriend.”
“How do you figure?” She placed her hand on her hip, copping an attitude. “She’s probably just some chick he’s screwing. You think a man like that just settles for one woman? No way. He probably goes from woman to woman. And you could be next.”
I never thought I would want to be some random woman on a long list. “There’s no way to know now, so let’s forget about it.”
She pointed her finger in my face. “But if he comes in here again, you better go for it.”
“We’ll see…”
“I mean it. Come on, Pepper. You’re back on the market, and it’s time to embrace it. It’s time to ask out hot guys and not care if they say no. It’s time to end up in a stranger’s bed. It’s time to whip out the lingerie and dance around like the sexy little thing you are. You know how flattered he would be if a woman like you made a pass at him?”
Even when I hit my lowest point, I felt so grateful that I had people like Stella in my life. She reminded me I was worth something. And she reminded me I was loved. “That’s sweet of you to say.”
“And it’s true. Don’t you forget it, Pepper.”
2
Pepper
When I got to Hopkins, I left my heavy coat on the rack by the door and walked inside. I was in a black dress with purple heels, dressing up a little more than I had over the last few months. Stella, Tatum, Colton, and Zach were standing at a table close to one of the TVs. My eyes immediately went to Colton’s tie, noticing the way he yanked it loose the second he was off the clock. I stopped by the bar and ordered myself a beer before I joined them at the table.
Colton looked me up and down and whistled loudly. “That is one hell of a dress.”
I let his compliment wash over me and tried not to think of the way he’d looked at me when I walked down the aisle. There were so many memories of us stored in my head, and it was impossible for me not to think about them from time to time. “Thanks.”
Zach’s eyes roamed freely, taking me in with the same approval, but with an added dash of masculine lust. “What dress? All I see are curves.” He motioned with his hands, mimicking an hourglass frame.
“He’s right,” Stella said. “You clean up good. If only you’d been wearing that when Mr. Gorgeous walked inside.”
“Who’s Mr. Gorgeous?” Tatum asked. “Sounds like a man I want to meet.” She sipped her vodka cranberry. “Stella doesn’t throw that name out lightly.”
“Well, this man deserved it—big-time.” Stella was drinking a glass of red wine, wearing a long-sleeved sweater dress that blanketed her curves but couldn’t hide them. “He came into the lingerie shop this afternoon. He was in this sexy suit, and he had the nicest smile. I thought Pepper was gonna make a move, but she just sat there.”
I was suddenly aware of Colton standing next to me at the table, the man I’d vowed to love for the rest of my life. We hadn’t talked about our dating lives since we got divorced. It seemed like a subject neither one of us wanted to broach first. I’d come to accept our new relationship, but I didn’t exactly want to hear about what he did in the privacy of his bedroom. I wasn’t sure if he felt the same way.
Stella picked up on my unease then shifted her gaze to Colton.
Zach took a longer drink from his glass than necessary, drowning out his silence with his loud drinking sounds.
Colton didn’t have a visible reaction. He was normally easy to read, but not today.
“Oh, sorry,” Stella said. “I wasn’t thinking…”
Colton set his glass down. “Nothing to apologize for. We knew this day would come, and it’s a good thing.” He turned to me, giving me his endearing smile that showed his sincerity. “A really good thing. Don’t tiptoe around me. We’re friends. Friends talk about this stuff.”
Stella relaxed when she realized she hadn’t done anything wrong. “Good. I think it’s time Pepper got laid.”
“I second that.” Tatum held up her glass.
“If you want to take care of it now, I can help with that.” Zach waggled his eyebrows.
Colton was cool just a second ago, but that comment hit one of his buttons. His head snapped in Zach’s direction, and he gave him a formidable stare, an unusual look to give his best friend. “Don’t cross me.”
“What?” Zach asked, brushing off the insult. “Come on, I was just making a joke.”
“Friends don’t make jokes like that about each other’s wives,” Colton countered. “That broke the bro code, and you know it.”
“Ex-wife,” I corrected.
“You know what I mean,” Colton said. “Don’t cross that line again.” He’d been protective of me when we were together, and even now, things hadn’t changed.
Zach didn’t apologize, but he wore a guilty look as though he felt bad about the comment.
Tension settled over the table, and no amount of alcohol could dispel it.
So Stella changed the subject. “This guy had a big package.”
“Did he whip it out or something?” Tatum asked. “How do you know?”
“I have a theory,” Stella said. “And it’s never let me down.”
Colton drank his beer and looked at the table.
I wasn’t entirely sure if I was interested in this conversation, but it was better than the one we’d been having just seconds ago. “What’s your theory?”
“If a guy adjusts his pants often, it’s big.” Stella made her statement with finality, as if she’d just proved a theory in court. “If it’s constantly getting in the way, then that means he has something to move around.”
“Could be his underwear,” Tatum said.
“Or he could have a hard-on,” Colton added. “Happens a lot throughout the day.”
“No. I saw him adjust himself the second he walked in the door,” Stella said. “No way he popped a boner that quickly. That tells me everything I need to know. And that’s exactly why Pepper is making a move next time he walks in.”
“Ooh, I hope he comes in soon,” Tatum said.
“Why was he at your shop anyway?” Colton asked.
“He picked up lingerie for someone.” I didn’t make eye contact with Colton, thinking about the last time I wore lingerie for him. I’d surprised him when he came home from work. We had good sex right afterward, but now I wondered if he had been picturing someone else instead of me the entire time.
The blow hurt my ego a lot more than I wanted to admit.
“That’s pretty hot,” Zach said. “She picks it out, and he picks it up? Sounds fun.”
It was pointless to think about it too much because I would probably never see him again. And even if I did, I doubted I would make a move. It was time to put myself out there and start seeing other men, but getting my feet wet was the hardest point. I hadn’t been single in so long, I couldn’t even remember what that life was like.
Stella and Tatum excused themselves to the restroom, and Zach headed to the bar to get another beer. That left Colton and me alone, which shouldn’t have been strange because we spent time alone together all the time. But something in the air felt tenser than usual.
“You shouldn’t be hard on Zach. He was just trying to make me feel better.”
Colton finished his drink then wiped his mouth with the back of his forearm. “Together or apart, you’re off-limits. He knows that. Any man would know that.” He looked into his empty glass, avoiding eye contact with me. “But I’m glad to hear you like someone.”
I rolled my eyes. “Stella is exaggerating. I interacted with the guy for a minute. Probably even less than that.”
“It’s still something. A part of me knows I’ll be jealous when you’re with someone else, but another part of me
will be really happy when that day comes. It’s complicated…”
“It’s not.” I knew exactly how he felt. I wondered if he was seeing anyone, but I never asked because I wasn’t ready to hear the answer. “What about you? Are you seeing anyone…?”
He straightened then met my look, ignoring the empty glass in his hands. “Not really. It’s been hard to get out there.”
“Why is that?”
“It’s just…new. I know this is what I want, but I’m nervous to pursue it.”
“You shouldn’t be, Colton. You’re a gorgeous man with a heart of gold. The second you put yourself out there, you’ll have too many options to choose from. I know taking that first step is hard… I’ve been struggling to take the same first step.”
A soft smile formed on his lips, reaching his eyes toward the end. “Thanks. That means a lot coming from you.”
“Then put yourself out there and find what you’re looking for.” It would have been easy for me to be angry with him, to never forgive him and turn him into a stranger I never spoke to. But my love for him was too strong, strong enough to cut him slack he may not have deserved.
“I guess I need to tell my family first. If I put myself out there and become more open about it, my parents will find out in the worst possible way. I’ve been putting it off because I know it’s going to open old wounds. I’m not even sure if they’ll accept me. They’ll be disappointed that I threw you away. Then they’ll be even more disappointed in me for…the path I’ve chosen.”
I really had no idea how his parents would react, but Colton’s fear wasn’t unfounded. They would definitely be upset when they heard the news. And there was a good chance these changes would affect his relationship with his family forever. “We can do it together, if that will help.”
“You’d come with me?” he asked, not masking his hint of surprise.
“Of course.” I rested my hand on his. “I’m here for you—always.”