The Doctor

by E. L. Todd

  She sipped her coffee as she looked at him, seemingly unaffected by that penetrating gaze. When she couldn’t withstand his look any longer, she turned her eyes into her coffee.

  Sometimes I felt the energy between the two of them. The temperature rose by several degrees within just seconds. Sometimes the air was hostile, so saturated with emotions, it was difficult to breathe. Maybe that was because Pepper was one of the few people confident enough to withstand his intensity. When I’d asked Finn if he had a thing for my ex-wife, he’d said no. And he was too honorable of a man to cross the line like that. There was an endless supply of beautiful women in the city he could enjoy. There was no reason to focus on Pepper. Maybe the entire thing was just a product of my imagination.

  20

  Colton

  “Ugh, this is gonna suck.” I walked beside Finn as we headed to the front door.

  “Hold your ground.” Finn wore a gray V-neck and black jeans even though it was a cold evening. He hardly wore a jacket because he claimed he ran hot all the time. “Mom hates my tattoos, but I’m not going to cover them up.”

  “Being gay and having a few tattoos is not the same thing,” I said. “If only it were.”

  Pepper walked behind me. “It may take a while for them to come around, but the sooner you do it, the sooner this will be over. Think of it that way.”

  “And it could be the end of my relationship with my parents…” Coming out was difficult for anyone who had been in my position. But the hardest part was the way it ostracized people from their families. Maybe some members of the family would approve, but others wouldn’t. That was the scariest part of all. “Just give me a second before you—”

  Finn rang the doorbell. “No. When the bombs are going off, you don’t hide away and wait until you’re ready. You rush into the fray and try to survive. Because you’ll never be ready for the most difficult phases of your life.”

  My parents’ footsteps could be heard approaching the door. “Oh my god, they’re here,” Mom said. “Our babies are here.”

  Pepper smiled. “How cute…”

  I knew I couldn’t run from this, but there was nothing I wanted to do more than jump back in the truck and drive away.

  Mom had already hugged Finn when he first walked inside, but now she wrapped her arms around him and held him tight, burying her face in his chest and closing her eyes. “I’m so glad you’re home…you have no idea.”

  Finn didn’t push her off when the affection lasted longer than thirty seconds. His arm wrapped around her shoulders, and he rested his chin on her head. “I know, Mom.”

  “I worried about you every single day. Most nights, I couldn’t sleep. I knew you were doing what you wanted…but it was so hard. You’re a grown man, but you’re still my son…my first boy.”

  Finn was the least affectionate person I’ve ever known, but he let Mom do whatever she wanted. She was the one person he wouldn’t push away, insult, or ignore. “I know, Mom. But I’m home now.”

  “Home for good?” she whispered.

  “Yes.” He rubbed her back.

  She pulled away and cupped his cheeks, staring into his face with tears in her eyes. “I love you so much, honey. More than you could ever understand.”

  He kept his patience. “I love you too, Mom.” He squeezed both of her wrists then lowered her hands back to his sides. “My life in the military was difficult at times, but it was exactly where I was meant to be. I couldn’t imagine spending the last ten years of my life doing anything else.”

  She gripped his biceps and squeezed them. “And we’re so proud of you, Finn. I don’t know what we did to raise such a strong man…but we did something.”

  “Give yourself more credit, Mom,” he said. “Strong parents raised me. It’s no surprise I turned out the way I did.”

  Her eyes softened. “We’re so lucky to have you as our son.”

  I watched the interaction with Pepper beside me. “And I’m supposed to follow that?”

  Pepper didn’t hear me because she watched the interaction with tears in her eyes.

  God, I was so screwed.

  Dad hugged Finn next, holding him for a long time. “I’m very proud of you, son. But I’m happier that you’re home now.”

  “Promise us you’ll never reenlist,” Mom said.

  Finn stared at her then shook his head slightly. “I can’t make that promise. But I don’t think I’ll ever go back.”

  I whispered to Pepper, “Maybe I should do this another time…”

  She turned to me, finally focusing on what I said. “You’re doing this tonight. You either do it, or Finn will do it for you.”

  That wasn’t so bad since they adored Finn. “Hmm…”

  “No, Colton,” she said. “You need to do it yourself.” She walked away from me and joined Finn with my parents. “I’m sure Finn is gonna be angry with me for telling you this, but I saw his uniform and he received the Bronze Star.”

  Finn didn’t seem angry, but he took a deep breath like he hadn’t been expecting Pepper to throw him under the bus like that.

  Mom turned to Finn, shock in her eyes. “Why didn’t you tell us?”

  “Son, that’s amazing.” Dad squeezed Finn’s shoulder, pride in his eyes. “When did this happen?”

  Finn looked at Pepper for a moment, but he didn’t seem angry with her. He didn’t seem pleased either. “About a year ago.”

  “What happened?” Mom asked.

  Finn never talked about his time in the military, but he didn’t deny our parents anything. He respected them too much to sidestep their questions. “We were in the field when our team was hit by gunfire. One of my guys had been shot in the stomach, close to the aortic artery. I couldn’t reach him because there were too many enemies, but if I didn’t do something, he was going to die. So I grabbed a gun and went to him. Stopped the bleeding and stabilized him while my men covered me. And he made it…”

  I listened to every word and felt my jaw slacken in shock. My brother was a trauma physician, so I’d assumed he was at a safe location and the men were brought to him. I had no idea that my brother literally put his life on the line to save others.

  Pepper’s expression changed too. She’d been smiling a second ago, but now she gave him a new look entirely. Surprise mixed with awe stretched across her features.

  Mom and Dad were speechless too.

  When no one said anything, Finn changed the subject. “I’m starving. Let’s get dinner started.” He left the room and walked into the kitchen so he could retrieve the hot dishes Mom had prepared.

  Mom turned to Dad. “Can you believe he’s our son?”

  Dad shook his head. “No…I can’t.”

  We sat together at the dining table and enjoyed the pot roast Mom made.

  “Are you liking the hospital?” Mom asked Finn.

  “Yeah,” he answered. “It’s a different environment from what I’m used to, but I like it. It’s a lot of the same thing over and over again. Whenever a code happens, I have a whole team of nurses to help me, so that’s a nice change. I usually have to do everything by myself.”

  I’d never heard Finn talk so much, but he couldn’t be the cold and indifferent man around my parents. He had to be kind and responsive. Otherwise, it would be rude. It allowed me to learn more about him, which was nice.

  The entire evening had been centered around Finn, which was a weight off my shoulders. Maybe I would never have the opportunity to tell my parents the truth, and I could just get out of the situation altogether.

  “Are you seeing anyone?” Mom asked. “Maybe now that you’re settled, you can find a nice girl.”

  Finn looked at his plate as he stabbed a piece of carrot with his fork. “Yeah, maybe.”

  Mom turned her attention on me, and that was when I knew my turn was up. “What’s up with you, sweetheart? How’s work?”

  I didn’t want to discuss the ordeal with my job. That would just get us off topic. It also wouldn’t make any sen
se because I couldn’t tell them what the problem was unless I told them I was gay first. “It’s fine. Nothing too interesting going on there.”

  Pepper shot me a glare.

  Finn did the same.

  “Have you guys considered starting a family?” Mother asked. “You’ve been married long enough now. You’ve gotten to enjoy each other for many years. When your father and I got married, we started trying a year after we were married. We kinda rushed it, but we were so eager to start our family.”

  Finn stared at me, his eyes glued to me with aggression.

  I pushed my food around on my plate, stalling as long as possible.

  When I didn’t say anything, Mom examined me harder. “Something wrong, Colton?”

  “No,” I blurted. “I just…”

  Pepper looked at me. “Come on, Colt.”

  Mom exchanged a look with Dad. “You’re starting to worry me, honey. Did something happen? Are you having a difficult time conceiving? There are so many other options out there that you don’t need to stress about it.”

  She got the completely wrong impression. “No, it’s not that. There’s something I need to tell you, actually…”

  “Alright.” Mom set down her fork and glanced at Dad.

  Dad rested his elbows on the table, preparing for bad news.

  “This is gonna come as a shock. I know it’s gonna be hard to understand. This is really difficult for me to say…” I glanced at Pepper beside me, remembering that I would always have her through this ordeal. “Pepper and I split up a few months ago.”

  All the life drained out of my mother’s face. She even cupped her mouth with her hand to silence herself as the cry emerged from her throat.

  Dad’s eyebrows rose, like he couldn’t believe what I’d said.

  “We divorced eight months ago,” I said, knowing this would break my parents’ hearts.

  “Eight months ago?” Mom asked, heartbroken. “Eight months? Why didn’t you tell us? What happened? You guys are so perfect together. I don’t understand…”

  “We are perfect together,” I said. “We’re best friends, and we’ll always be best friends.”

  “Then I understand this even less,” Dad said. “If you’re still close, then why…?”

  This was the hardest part. “Because I’m gay.”

  Finn’s expression didn’t change, but he gave me a slight nod in approval.

  Mom’s mouth dropped open, and the confusion in her eyes was mixed with pain.

  Dad seemed even more shocked.

  Neither one of them said anything.

  I guess their silence was preferable to their rage.

  It was quiet for a long time. No one said anything, and it became more and more uncomfortable. Pepper patted my hand affectionately, and Finn took a drink of his wine even though he didn’t like wine.

  Mom stared at Dad.

  Dad stared at the table, gathering his thoughts.

  “I know this is a shock,” I said. “It’s a lot to process. But I realized it a while ago, and that was why Pepper and I decided to divorce. She was really supportive about it, and I’m lucky we’re still so close. I’m sure it’ll take you some time to swallow this because it’s so unexpected, but take all the time you need.”

  Mom eyes watered, and she wiped away a tear.

  Oh god. This was bad.

  Finn was sitting beside her, so he patted her back gently.

  Mom turned to me, and instead of giving me that look of unconditional love, she looked broken. “How could you do that to Pepper? How could you waste so many years of her life and live a lie? This woman is like a daughter to me, and I don’t accept this betrayal.”

  That wasn’t what I expected her to say. “I didn’t know at the time. It just kept creeping up until it was undeniable. I feel terrible for what I did to her. I really do—”

  “I’m not angry with him,” Pepper said. “We were really happy together while we were married, and we’re still best friends now. I wouldn’t go back in time and trade those years for anything else. Colton and I will still be together for the rest of our lives…but as friends.”

  Mom shook her head. “That’s unacceptable, Colton. Just because Pepper has class and compassion doesn’t right the wrong.”

  This was much worse than I expected. “Like I said, I didn’t know—”

  “How do you not know what you prefer?” Dad questioned. “It’s pretty straightforward. If you’re gay, then you’ve always known you were gay. You could have come forward about it before you married this wonderful woman and wasted her time.”

  Instead of being supportive of this news, they were protective of Pepper. Pepper was close to my parents so I knew they cared about her, but I didn’t expect them to gang up on me.

  “Really, it’s fine,” Pepper said. “Colton and I are in a very good place. There’re no hard feelings.”

  Mom shook her head slightly. “Colton, I don’t know what you want us to say.”

  Finn looked at his plate, disappointed by Mom’s reaction.

  Dad wouldn’t look at me. “Gay or straight, we don’t care. But you’ve never seemed gay. There was always porn on your computer, and you had girlfriends in high school. Are you sure this isn’t a phase? Just an excuse to get out of a marriage?”

  Whoa…that was harsh. “No…not an excuse.” My voice came out weak because I was so hurt. “I loved being married to Pepper. I wish I could still be married to her. This isn’t some lame scheme to get out of my responsibility. You have no idea how hard it was to come here tonight and tell you the truth. Cut me some slack.”

  “Cut you some slack?” Mom asked incredulously. “Our oldest son is finally home from the military, finally back in our lives, and you choose tonight to tell us that you’re divorced and gay?”

  Finn interceded. “Mom, I told him to tell you. He’d been dragging his feet, and it was time to come clean. He’d been dreading this dinner for weeks because he was afraid of how you would take the news. Now I don’t blame him because you’re handling this without a hint of compassion.”

  Dad turned to him. “Finn.”

  “I won’t take back what I said,” Finn barked. “You need to be supportive. Maybe Colt should have figured out how he felt sooner, but we can’t change the past. We can only change the present. We’re turning a new page in this story. We’re starting over. Your son just told you he was gay, and now you need to tell him it’s okay and you love him just the same.”

  Mom was silent.

  So was Dad.

  I actually felt like crying.

  Mom rose to her feet to excuse herself. “My oldest son just came home with a uniform decorated in medals. He risked his life for our country, risked his life to save his men.”

  Finn closed his eyes and sighed.

  Mom kept talking. “He served a decade in the armed forces and has returned home as a hero. And you tell me that in that same amount of time you couldn’t figure out who you were? That you had to hurt this wonderful woman before you got what you wanted? Colton, your father and I don’t care that you’re gay. But we do care that you hurt our daughter, a young woman who is as much a part of our family as you are. That’s unacceptable—and you won’t get our support for that.”

  The drive home was long and quiet.

  We didn’t talk about what happened at the house.

  There was nothing to talk about.

  My parents were disappointed in me. They despised me. They hated me for mistreating Pepper.

  Not that I could blame them. I hated myself for what I did to her when I first told her the truth. It was a difficult few months, lots of tears and lots of fights. But we worked through it and had a new relationship.

  Now those old wounds had been reopened.

  We walked into the apartment building and headed down the hallway. I moved my feet but felt like a zombie. There was no feeling inside my chest. I felt nothing at all, nothing but emptiness.

  Pepper turned to me to say goodnight.<
br />
  I ignored her and turned to Finn. “I’m gonna stay with Pepper tonight. I’ll see you later.”

  Finn was rarely affectionate, but he wrapped his arm around my shoulders and gave me a gentle squeeze. “It’ll be alright, man. Maybe not tomorrow or the next day. But eventually, it will.” He unlocked the door and stepped inside my apartment.

  I walked with Pepper to her door. “Do you mind if I stay with you tonight?”

  “You don’t even need to ask.” She got the door unlocked, and we stepped inside.

  I kicked off my shoes and went into her bedroom. I used to sleep with her every night, and for the first few months after our divorce, I missed it. I missed the way her hair made the sheets smell like lavender. I missed the way she would hog the covers all night, but she would still be cold so she would smother against me. Her presence always comforted me, made me think of happier times.

  We went into her bedroom, and she changed into a long t-shirt before she got into bed. I stripped down to my boxers then lay beside her, like we were going back in time to the height of our marriage.

  Side by side, we faced each other under the sheets, her face still visible in the darkness.

  I didn’t shed a tear because I was too empty to actually feel anything.

  “They’ll come around, Colton.”

  “Maybe. Or maybe my relationship with them will never be the same.”

  “It will be the same. It’ll just take some time.”

  “Finn is the hero…and I’m the screw-up.” They basically said Finn was their favorite, that they were proud of him and ashamed of me.

  “That’s not true.”

  “It is true.”

  “Things are really bad right now. But they won’t always be bad. You hit them with a lot of information at one time. They will come around, Colton. It’ll just take lots of time and lots of patience.”

  “Maybe…” Or maybe not.

  21

  Pepper