“Okay, can you slip them under the part you already made?”
Brian must have been listening because he was standing in the doorway with a stack of them. I took two and slipped them under the new sheets. I was still thinking it just didn’t make sense to get the sheets wet and have to change them again, but otherwise, I knew the pads would just be in a ball, irritating Will or on the floor useless anyway.
It took us another hour to get the other side of the sheets changed. We didn’t bother Will unless he was moving on his own. Keeping him off the wet side in the center of the bed was a challenge, but Rebecca was able to sit on the new side while he inched his way over, and I took off the old sheets and pulled the corners of the new clean sheets around the mattress. Brian was there right away to take the old sheets, and we could hear him starting the washing machine. It was good he was thinking ahead. I wasn’t sure how many sets of sheets they had and how long we could keep the cycle going.
Chapter Seventeen
Will slept peacefully for a while. Rebecca and I gathered blankets and pillows for us from the other rooms and camped out on the floor next to Will’s bed. We kept the medicines in the kitchen with the chart and would take turns every two hours getting morphine into his system. He hated when we woke him, but when he slept, it was mostly peaceful and, we hoped, pain free. According to the chart we kept, every four hours he got oxycodone and other things as well. I was so glad we’d decided to do the chart. I lay there in the dark wondering if Rebecca was thinking about being in their bed together. She must have been heartbroken, watching her husband up there in pain and complete discomfort lying in their marital bed alone, while she lay on the floor only near him. But then I also remembered in a selfish way the conditions of their marriage. Sure maybe they were in love, but I knew Will couldn’t commit his whole heart. He never could.
Will cycled again. He grew agitated, moved a lot, rolled, grabbed his headboard pulling his body up with one weak thin arm, and bent his knees, inching himself around another ninety degrees. This time, instead of stopping at ninety degrees, his body kept turning. On his back, he’d pulled up to the headboard, with his head hitting the wood, then he spun himself a full one hundred eighty degrees until his head was facing his footboard. With his knees still bent, his feet were now touching the headboard, but it proved to be a problem when he tried to straighten out his legs. He laid still for a bit. Rebecca and I both sat up.
“Is he in the middle of the bed?” I asked.
“No, he’s closer to this side, but I don’t think he’ll fall off. I don’t think we’ll be sleeping much. But at least if he falls, he has us to cushion his fall.” She giggled quietly. It was nice to see we could still be human in this complete inhumane scene. We were still living and laughing, and that was a huge part of being alive. I was glad to see her able to find humor amongst all this pain.
I tried to stifle a giggle. “Let’s just hope he doesn’t fall.” I wondered if he could hear us, if he was sleeping still or was just still. As soon as I hoped for no falling, Will’s legs pushed against the headboard and his frail body went sliding down the bed, his head now heading toward the footboard. With such force coming from his legs, his body turned, and his head ended up off the side of the bed. He was looking at Rebecca, teetering between the comforts of the bed and falling on top of us. Rebecca and I both bolted to him. I stood next to his chest, willing it to stay on the bed, while Rebecca gently held his head, standing next to his chest to steady him. I was afraid to touch him. But he needed to slide back onto the bed.
“Will. You’re going to fall off the bed. You can’t move this way anymore,” I was stern with him; almost angry myself.
“Will?” Rebecca tried to get his attention as well.
I wasn’t even sure if he was aware of us, knew where he was, what position he’d allowed his body to put him in, nor what to do about it. “Will, the only thing I can think to do here is to help guide your body back onto the bed before you scooch too far off to this side. I know your body hurts, but I hope if I just slip my arms under your robe, you won’t feel much. Rebecca, can you help lift and guide his head at the same time?”
“Sure, hon, let’s go slow, okay? Will, you tell us to stop if we need to, okay, baby, tell us to stop.” Rebecca was crying too. I didn’t even realize tears were streaming down my cheeks until they began to drop onto Will’s robe. Again. Crying was so second nature in those moments, we weren’t even aware it was happening until the tears begin to fall on us or onto Will.
“Okay, Will. Here we go. Hey, when we’re done with this, we’ll get you some more medicine to help you sleep and help with any pain I cause here. I’m so sorry, sweetie, I’m so sorry. I’m going to move you now, one…two…” I slipped my arms under him, heard protest coming from him, and then lifted him as if he were just a sack of soft laundry and slid him closer to the middle of the bed. Once Rebecca had his head positioned on top of the bed and not hanging off, she and I looked at each other and sighed. We noticed Brian was standing in the doorway once Will was positioned safely on the bed.
“Everything okay? I heard voices. I must have fallen asleep, but I’m here if you need anything.”
“We’re okay, Brian, thanks. Will was just moving around again and well, he tried to head dive off the bed.” Now it was my turn let out a little giggle. “I’ll go get his medicine. I think it’s a good time for it.” I squeezed Rebecca’s upper arm and left the room. I did feel relieved, like we’d mounted another hurdle and passed through it with very little problem. At least for us, who knew how much pain we’d left Will in. Something was tugging in the back of my mind again. Will was agitated. He’d been moving in his sleep again, waking easily. He probably needed to pee. I remembered the pattern and hoped we’d handle it better this time, then wondered how many chances we’d have to make it right for Will.
When I got back to the bedroom, Rebecca had his head resting in her lap just slightly elevated. He took his morphine with no problem and sipped some old ginger ale then yelled at us to leave him alone. Rebecca got up and moved to the door. We’d agreed there was no need for him to know or think we’d been lying on the floor near him all night. He’d feel like a bug in a glass jar. Violated. I put my pillow next to Will’s body in an effort to keep him from rolling off the bed while we were out of the room. Then Brian and I followed Rebecca out the door. Brian reminded us he was just on the couch if we needed anything. I could tell he was not only giving us our space, but also having a very hard time dealing with all of this himself. Rebecca and I stayed in the hallway until Will stopped moving and quieted, then we placed ourselves back on the floor next to him. He was still lying in the same position, his head near the footboard. We were awake, unable to sleep for a while, but we remained quiet. Moments passed when I could hear Rebecca sniffle. I found myself doing the same. We just laid side by side; our arms linked; our lives linked. We both grew quiet. I was not sure how much time had passed when Will’s moaning woke us, but we both sat up, not knowing why he sounded so horribly wounded. After jumping up, I realized I was looking for Will at the head of the bed, and it took me a moment in the dark to orient myself after waking from sleep but also to find Will. Of course he wasn’t at the head of the bed, he’d been turned around before we all fell asleep. But I couldn’t really see his body at the foot of the bed either. Will had fallen into the rather small crack between the foot of the bed and the footboard. He was laying sideways again and would have fallen to the floor had it not been for the footboard. We had no idea how we’d slept through all the moves he must have made to get into the position, wedged between the mattress and the footboard, and we had no idea how’d we’d get him out.
“Oh my God,” was all I could muster.
“Will? Will, baby, how the hell’d ya get all the way down there?” Rebecca was already near the foot of the bed, trying to get his head up. I ran around to where the bed was pushed up against the wall and tried to see where his feet were. They weren’t too far down, h
e was wedged, but not close to the floor. While I was on that side, I flipped on the bathroom light so we wouldn’t irritate him too much, but so we could see a little bit. With the bit of light provided through the bathroom door, I could see just how wide the space was. It was definitely wide enough for him to fall to the floor if time and movement allowed. It appeared the bedframe was not actually attached to the footboard. There was an old wooden trunk at the foot of the bed leaning against the footboard. Yet another problem to face, something that may have been prevented, had we only been able to Will-proof the room before the journey started. Every time I thought of all the things we’d learned along the way, I put those thoughts in a little box as if to save them for the next time it were to happen.
“Rebecca, I think I’m going to kneel on the trunk. We need to try to lift him out. He’s not all the way wedged in like I thought at first, one of his legs is up on top of the mattress, so we just need to get him to move that one while we get his upper body and other leg out. Maybe Brian could…” I looked over at the door and Brian was standing there, waiting for instructions of his own.
“I’ll get his upper body if I can get under him, Nik. You stay near his feet, and see if you can get his leg out.” Brian walked over, held the footboard up against his body, and pushed the trunk out of the way just an inch or two so he could wedge himself between it and the footboard and still get a good grasp on Will’s upper body. I watched him bend over and put his hands and arms under Will’s shoulder and ribs. He nodded at me, looked at Rebecca, and we all lifted Will out of the tight space. It wasn’t as difficult as I had expected it to be, but Will screamed as soon as we all started moving him. We all paused, and for a moment, I was afraid we’d drop him back down. But he managed to move his upper leg and pull on the sheets with his exposed arm to get himself mostly unstuck. Just when we thought he was out, and we’d just have to update his medicines, fix the footboard so it didn’t happen again, and wait for the next event, Will screamed. Louder than before.
“I…leg! Ahhhh.” Will put his face into the bedding and moaned. At second glance, I realized he wasn’t fully out of the empty space. One leg was still stuck. And that leg, at least in the semi-darkness, looked much bigger than the other leg. With Will fairly secure on the bed, Brian moved the footboard out of the way, thank goodness, his foot wasn’t between the balusters of the footboard, while I, as gently as possible, lifted Will’s swollen leg back onto the bed. He was secure again. Rebecca was soothing his hair, whispering to him while Brian and I moved the footboard back, secured it tighter, and pushed closer against the bed with the trunk. He was secure. But he was lying sideways across the bed again and already getting irritated with us. He started reaching for the footboard in the same grasping way he had reached for the head board earlier. He was trying to pull himself up. The first time he pulled on the footboard, we all saw the trunk push outward at least an inch. That was how he had created the gap he’d fallen in earlier. Only then we had all been sleeping through it. Again, I was struck with awe at his speed and strength. Within a few seconds he’d had the lower part of his body turned, his head up against the footboard leaving the three of us all glaring at him.
“Whatcha doing, Will?” I asked. He was still on a mission and still maneuvering himself pretty quickly. In just a few more seconds, he had his head on the other side of the bed, near the wall, and his feet were dangling off the bed near where Rebecca was sitting. Right where his head had just been when she was smoothing his hair back trying to comfort him. He managed to do all of this with the help of the footboard. It was lower than the headboard, so he was able to get more leverage and pull his body around more easily. It only took a few more seconds for him to flip himself over on to his back, and inch his way to the edge of the bed using the footboard again to pull him along.
“Whoa, big guy, where ya going?” I regretted it as soon as the words came out. I was just shocked it all happened so quickly. He was sitting on the edge of the bed. He looked worn out, like the trip there had drained him of any and all energy he’d had.
Rebecca quickly got up and moved to his left side while motioning me to sit between Will and the footboard, blocking him from using it to stand up. She got firm with him, but I could hear so much love in her voice. “Where ya goin’, Will? You can’t get up. If you get up, you’ll fall down. We’ve been over this with you before. If you fall down, you’ll get hurt. If you get hurt, we’ll have to call an ambulance to come and get you. If they come and get you, they will take you to the hospital. Do you want to go to the hospital, Will?”
Will was irate. He pushed us both, yelling at us without using words. He turned away from Rebecca and turned in my direction. I knew it was my turn to be firm yet loving with him as Rebecca had just been. Before I could say anything, Will grabbed my face and pushed me away. I had so much respect and love for this man, and he’d just pushed me away from him – using my face to do it. I immediately got up and started crying. Rebecca looked at me with the strength I couldn’t gather, and said, “Nikki! Don’t. Sit down and stand up to him. He can’t get up. He can’t fall into the footboard again. He doesn’t mean to hurt you. Please don’t take this personally. He needs to you to love him, and to do that now, we have to be firm. He cannot get up.” Rebecca gave me strength and energy I had lost in this fight. I realized I was about to give up. On Will. On myself. On the task. I had fallen into a young woman again. The one who let Will push her away so many years ago. Only this time I was willing to walk away from him. Will was angry with me. I hated that. But Rebecca was right. This wasn’t personal. I wanted to curl up in the corner with a blanket and just cry. Instead I joined Rebecca and Will back on the bed. I held firm in my spot between Will and the footboard he’d used to get himself in that position.
“I love you, Will. We love you. We are here to help you, but we can only do so much. We can’t get you up off the floor if you fall again, Will, please don’t get up.” I said it, but I cried with every word leaving my mouth. I knew he was listening to me because as soon as I was finished I felt his weight leaning against me. I almost sighed in relief until I realized he was trying to push me off the bed.
“Lay down. Leave me alone!” then all he had were mumbles. He pushed me again. Harder. I wasn’t sure if he was trying to get me off the bed or if he was trying to lay down himself.
“No, Will, you have to lay down the other way. We need your head at the top of the bed because you fell into the crack between the mattress and the footboard before. We can’t let that happen to you again.” I leaned into him just as hard as he was leaning into me. I held my breath the whole time I fought because I was so afraid of hurting him. Breaking his thin skin or hitting a tumor on his leg or wherever else they may be would be devastating to us all.
Will eventually fell back onto the bed. And peed. I knew it. I had forgotten, with all the trauma with the footboard and quick movements from Will, plus the hand in my face pushing me away, he seemed to have this pattern. He’d move and become irritated when he had to pee. Rebecca just looked at me and sighed. Then she said, “He’ll be out for a while now. We should have given him his medicine. I’m sure if it’s not time now, it will be soon.”
“Well, we have to change the sheets again. He’s starting to smell like pee. I think we should try to clean him up a bit too. I don’t want him to itch. Brian?” Brian was no longer standing in the room with us. I didn’t know when he’d left, but he was gone.
“I’ll see if the other sheets ever made it into the dryer. I’m not sure how many more we have for this bed.” Rebecca left the room too. I went into the bathroom and ran the hot water, found a wash cloth, wet it with warm water, let it cool a little bit, and then went to go clean an old lover’s naked peed on body. Probably something his wife should be doing, but, what the hell. Rebecca came back in the room and said Brian was just putting the other sheets into the dryer. It seemed he knew what was coming as well, but since we’d all fallen asleep earlier, they never made it out of
the washer.
“How about this. Do you have two top sheets? Maybe I can make two sides of the bed, we can put pads under each side, and then when he goes again, we can try to get him to the other side. It is already dressed with a pad and a clean sheet, or half of one at least.” I was thinking of all the mom tricks I had tried when my little Emily had the stomach flu the year before and couldn’t keep her bed clean for more than an hour at a time.
Rebecca looked at me like I had said something completely crazy; maybe I had. None of us had gotten much sleep. Who knew what I was saying, but I did have a plan in mind. Will hadn’t moved, so he was still lying on the side of the bed with his legs hanging down. I knew that wouldn’t last long without discomfort, but I thought maybe I could make the other side of the bed and the top end of the side he was on, and then only have one quarter left to make. If I did it in parts and pieces, he’d be ready to move by the time I was ready. Rebecca tossed one top sheet into the room and told me she’d be right back with another. I got to work on the opposite side of the bed. I was terrified Will would just slide to the floor while I was away from him, but before I could worry too much, Rebecca was back and standing right in front of him just in case he’d fallen.
“Were you able to clean him? I don’t smell urine anymore,” she said.
“Just a quick wipe. His legs were wet. I tried to get under him. I think his robe might still be wet, but I don’t know. We’ll just have to let that go.” I had the wall side of the bed made with pads underneath. I was coming around to the top side of the bed when Will’s body started to slip downward.
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