“Oh no. No no no, Mister! You ain’t going nowhere!” Before I could even react, Rebecca had his legs in her arms and was scooting his body backwards. He was able to roll a bit on his own once his legs were fully on the bed. All of the worry and within a few moments, he was resting on the clean side of the bed. I quickly rolled the wet sheets and put a new top sheet on the wet side of the bed with bed pads placed under the sheets. But on that side I also placed the bed pads on top of the clean sheets with them tucked under the other top sheet to keep them in place. I hoped Will wouldn’t notice them, and if he wet the bed again, we wouldn’t have to irritate him more by changing the sheets. Over time, the seam I created between the two top sheets irritated Will, but each time he moved I was able to straighten and move it around to smooth it out keeping the top bed pads in place. I had high hopes for this new plan I had in my head for his bed.
Will was comfortable again. The bed was clean, dry, and somewhat protected. We didn’t get his medicines into him, but he was resting. It was after midnight, so we decided to let him sleep and the next time he woke, one of us would get the meds ready. Until then, we rested too. As a mom who nursed two kids for over a year each, and whose children didn’t sleep through the night until after they stopped nursing, I was feeling cynical about sleeping. I knew Mommy’s Law, much like Murphy’s Law, said as soon as I fell asleep, Will would wake up. It had been like that for years in my house, at least with my children. And would we actually sleep anyway?
I did eventually fall asleep, but only after lying in the dark, staring at the ceiling, watching the seconds tick by on Will’s Epoch clock. I noted the numbers once and tried desperately to figure out what day and time it was, but I knew nothing about Epoch time. I thought I wouldn’t be able to turn my mind off, shut down and fall asleep. I kept seeing Will all those years ago, his curls hugging his beautiful face, his smile, his half laugh always coming before a full blown laugh, the way he’d make fun of the way I said, “go head,” instead of go ahead, and the way he’d laugh at my own silent laughs. He’d make me laugh so hard no sound would come out of my mouth, but my body would shake so hard he thought I would pass out from non-laughter. My mind did eventually fade out, and my body gave in to sleep.
When I woke again, the numbers had changed on the Epoch clock, but I had no idea how much time had passed. All I knew was Will was standing above me looking down at me and Rebecca, who was sleeping next to me on the floor. I jumped up, “Will! Rebecca.”
Rebecca was already moving before I said her name. We were both at Will’s side in a split second. But we had no idea what to do. Here was a dying man with no strength standing next to me, and I couldn’t muster the strength to do what needed to be done. We laughed later about how we should have just pushed him backwards back on to the bed, but we never could have done such a thing. It may have turned out better than trying to let Will walk to the bathroom. He mumbled something about his walker, and we tried to talk him out of using it.
Brian was standing in to doorway with the portable urinal in his hand. “Hey, Buddy. I have the urinal right here, how about you leave your walker there and I’ll just…” his voice cracked and faded. “…I’ll just hold this for you.”
“I have to piss, dammit, and you can’t stop me.” Will was very clear with his words after the mumbling moments earlier.
Will grabbed the walker from Rebecca and me with more strength we than we could find in ourselves, and he took two steps towards the bathroom. He stopped, took two more, screamed, and then took two more. He was doing it, shuffling towards the bathroom. I walked next to him, looked at Brian, and nodded towards the bathroom. Brian walked to the bathroom door to help Will inside while Rebecca and I walked next to Will and his walker. I figured if he was determined to pee in the toilet, we should let him. Will took two more steps. Paused. And fell to the floor. He was about four steps from the bathroom door. He fell very close to a huge, heavy dresser. My stomach sank. I fell to my knees next to Will, who was on his stomach moaning.
“Rebecca, he hasn’t had his medicine. Remember, we skipped…” She stopped me with a hand signal and ran out of the room. Will had fallen. He was determined, but he was still weak. I was sure he was in pain before he fell. What were we thinking? We should have pushed his ass back on the bed and given him medicine, knocked him out, and let him pee in the bed again. In trying to let him have his dignity and pee where he wanted to pee, we put him at risk of breaking something and having to go to the hospital in an ambulance. I was in shock. Again, I didn’t know what to do beyond cry and apologize to Will. Rebecca came in with his meds and a small glass of ginger ale with a cut straw. Will was still on his stomach, but he’d grown subdued; almost too quiet. I put my hand on his back, thinking of all the times I did the same to my babies when they were sleeping and were turned over or too quiet, to make sure they were still breathing. I could feel Will’s frail body moving under my hand. “Will, Rebecca brought your medicine. I think if we can get you on your back, we can get it into you. You need it, sweetie. You just fell, and if you’re not hurting now, well, you will be…well, I’m sure you are now. Can we get you to roll over toward me?”
I think Will knew exactly what I was saying, so he put his arm in front of his chest and rolled to his side. Only he was going the wrong way. He couldn’t get over to his back because he’d rolled away from me and up against the trunk at the foot of the bed. “Will? Can you use the other hand and roll this way? We can’t get you on your back, the trunk is there.”
“I am!” Will yelled at me. Only he wasn’t.
“Brian, maybe he can stay there and roll onto his back that way, if we can move the trunk,” Rebecca said. “Just remember the trunk is pushing on the footboard, so we need to make sure it doesn’t pop out and hit him.” Rebecca and Brian wedged a pillow against the trunk and Will’s backside and pushed the trunk out of the way. Gravity took over, and Will thumped onto his back and moaned as if he’d been dropped.
“Good thinking with the pillow,” I said, “The trunk might have scratched his skin, and he’s so sensitive. That’s why I didn’t want to try to roll him myself. I couldn’t imagine that thing scraping against him. Oh, man. I didn’t even think about the trunk scratching him when you mentioned moving it. Oh, my God, what are we going to do now?” I was rambling again, my mouth spewing all the random thoughts swimming around in my head.
“Well, we get some of this into him, that’s what we do.” Rebecca sat next to me with the loaded syringe in her hand. “Come on, Will. I have them all ready here, and then you can have some ginger ale.”
Will took the meds with no problems this time. I guess after skipping a dose, standing up on his own, walking half way across the room, and falling, he was ready for something to take the edge off. He took his meds with little noise and no protest, took one sip from the straw, and plopped his head down onto the floor.
We all sat there, Brian, too, who usually left Rebecca and me alone with Will once things were under control, in silence, all looking at Will. Will kept his eyes closed for several minutes. He seemed calm, and I wondered if he still had to use the bathroom. There was no way of getting him in the bathroom without hurting him, and no way he would allow any of us to help him use the urinal. I decided to let the thought go and just be prepared for any accidents he may have. Rebecca seemed to read my mind and left the room to gather more bed pads. She handed me two when she came back, and I laid them out on the floor where I thought Will might roll if he were to move again. She put the two she’d kept for herself on the trunk.
“He can’t be comfortable,” I said quietly. “Maybe we should try to get a blanket down so he has a softer surface. This carpet,” I said as I rubbed the same carpet from so long ago, “might be scratchy on his skin.”
“I’ll get it,” Brian left the room. I knew he’d be coming back with the same blanket he’d helped carry Will in earlier when Will had fallen in the other bathroom on the opposite side of the house. At least it was a fluf
fy soft blanket.
While Brian was gone, I felt tears well up in my eyes again. I watched Rebecca gently move Will’s thin hair away from his face. She was so careful not to touch his skin.
“The bed,” I said.
“I know,” Rebecca looked at me and smiled. “We finally got it all set up, bed pads under the sheets in all the right places, sheets on all sides, ready to sleep in, and no one to sleep in it.”
“Yea, that’s a bit ironic, huh? We did work hard getting the bed all ready for a good nap,” my voice cracked. “…and here he is, on the floor. But I was thinking the hospice bed. Do you think we can bring it in here, into the bedroom? If we can get it set up, it has the rails on it to keep him from falling out, and well, I don’t know. I can’t imagine it’s any more comfortable than,” my voice cracked again as I was thinking about their shared bed, “his own bed, but maybe it would be better than the floor. If we can get him back up, that is.”
Rebecca looked down at Will for a moment, then looked at me. Brian spoke from the doorway before Rebecca could respond. He had the fluffy burgundy blanket in his arms. “It’s just a roll away type bed. I think if you two can handle the bedding, I can get it folded and in here.”
“I think it’s worth a try,” Rebecca said. “The sheets on that bed are fairly fresh. We just might want to put some of those pads underneath. But how do we get him in the bed?”
“I don’t know, but let’s just get it in here and set up before we worry about it,” I told her.
Rebecca and I didn’t move. Neither of us wanted to leave Will. Brian brought the blanket over and dropped in to the floor near where I was sitting, then walked out to see what he could do about the bed. Deciding to leave Rebecca closer to Will, I got up, spread out the bed pads she’d brought in and then spread much of the blanket Brian brought in on top of them. No matter how we handled it, Will would have to work his way onto the blanket before we could move him. Once the blanket was in place, I took the side closest to Will and touched his skin with it. It was so very soft. I wanted something comforting against his skin. I knew our touch was too harsh for him. Rebecca and I both sat there with Will and his extraordinarily soft blanket crying silent tears.
***
“Are you cold?” Will found me sitting on the beach near my house.
“Yes, it’s getting chilly at night now. Fall is coming. But, look,” I said, pointing to the water. “Jellyfish are still out. The water must be warm enough for them. If the wind would die down a bit, I think I’d be okay. But yes, it’s chilly out here.”
As I spoke, Will was placing a blanket around my shoulders. He stayed in place behind me, squatting, hugging me through the blanket. The blanket was soft and warm, but I got more warmth from his body heat and just having him near me.
“I don’t want you to leave, Will. I don’t want summer to end.” I had been sitting on the beach after a short run. Running always helped me clear my head or think through things I needed to work out on my own. It hadn’t helped. When I got to the beach, I sat down, pulled my knees to my chest, and with my chin resting on my knees, felt hot tears run down my face. I was in love with a boy from the city. Something I always said I would never do was fall for someone who lived here or came here to vacation. I’d made it through high school without attaching myself to the local boys. I knew it would be disappointing to my family, but I never planned on staying in a small town. I wanted sidewalks, stop lights, people I didn’t know, more than one grocery store, neighborhoods, coffee shops; I wanted a city. I couldn’t screw up my dreams by falling for some boy who would come there every summer and then go live his real life somewhere else.
Will hugged me through the blanket once more and then came and sat beside me. He put his left arm around me and pulled me into his warmth. “I’m not leaving. I think I’m going to stay here and help Grandfather out this winter. I hadn’t told you because I wasn’t sure how you’d feel about me being here full time.” He paused looking at me. My heart was fluttering. How did I feel? “Nikki Jay, my grandfather can use some help. He’s told me of some of the marinas could use some winter help too, so I can make some money. If you don’t want me to stay, I don’t have to, but…” he paused again and looked away from me at the water. I followed his eyes to a fishing boat coming in from a morning catch. What he said next almost caught me off guard. I was so engrossed in watching the boat maneuver around the buoys, I almost missed it all together. “So it seems, Nikki Jay, I’m in love with this beautiful girl, and I can’t imagine even being an hour and a half away from her. I’m hoping she can love me back as much as I love her.”
Silence. My heart beat faster. I pulled the blanket around me tighter as the wind picked up more. Staring at the boat, another tear fell from my eyes. Did I just hear what I thought I heard? Did Will just say he loved a girl? A beautiful girl? Me? I looked at Will, who gently wiped a tear from my cheek.
“I love you, Nikki. With all my heart I love you. I adore you in fact.” Will grabbed the blanket where I’d had it bunched up between my hands and pulled me to him. I managed to whisper between kisses and tears. I loved him too.
***
Back in Will’s bedroom I wrapped the blanket around my hands. Sitting next to Will, feeling every emotion I’ve ever felt but allowing none to surface, all I wanted to do was keep him safe and comfortable. The burgundy blanket felt like such a small offering, but it was all I had to offer. I couldn’t get him off the floor, I couldn’t take his pain away, and I couldn’t even force death to take him any sooner so the suffering would end for us all. I only had a soft and warm blanket. But Will wasn’t even on it. I didn’t know how long it would take us, but I vowed to myself if he died on this floor, he’d at least have the comfort of his blanket with him. We had to get him to roll away from the trunk and onto the blanket, even if we never got him into the bed.
We heard Brian coming down the hall with the hospice bed. Rebecca got up to make room. She cleared the blankets and pillows we were using on the floor next to Will’s bed, and Brian wheeled the hospice bed into the space.
Since Rebecca was up with Brian, helping him set up and prep the bed with appropriate bedding, I stayed on the floor, closer to Will. After setting up the bed, Rebecca came to the floor where Will and I were lying side by side. She laid down next to us. Will was still far from the bathroom, where he’d wanted to go over an hour ago, sleeping peacefully, so Rebecca and I decided to get some rest. Brian stayed in the room with us, resting on the bed made after hours of trying to get dry sheets covering the whole mattress. All was quiet for some time. Then Brian tossed two throw pillows our way, away from Will, and before I drifted off to sleep I noticed another clock in the room instead of the Epoch clock I knew I’d never fully understand. It was 2:34am. It had been a long night and was not going to get any shorter, even as the minutes ticked by.
Chapter Eighteen
At 3:16am, I woke to Will moaning. Rebecca was leaning on her elbow watching him. In the thirty minutes of sleep I had managed, I’d moved over slightly, and Will had followed. He was almost a foot closer to the bathroom door, with part of his body on top of the burgundy blanket.
“Owwww,” Will moaned.
I sat up. “Will?” I looked at Rebecca, and we both looked at the bathroom. We were certain it was his bladder waking him again. Will gathered more strength during his nap, and rolled his whole body over from his right side, onto his stomach and then from his left side to his back. He was now even closer to the bathroom. I scooted myself backwards until I bumped into the tall dresser next to the bathroom door. It was a massive, beautiful piece of furniture made of dark cherry wood with ornate legs and long feet resembling lion’s paws. I was sure it was an antique; probably starting with Will’s grandparents. I rubbed my back where I’d bumped into the corner of the dresser and crossed my legs trying to get as comfortable as possible sitting upright in the middle of the night. I was quite used to being awake in the middle of the night, but I usually had a healthy child to
care for, not a dying cancer patient. I usually had a soft and warm glider to sit in where I could put my head back and snooze while my babies rocked with me. Shaking my head, I took my heart and mind away from those thoughts. It was selfish of me to think I should be any more comfortable than I was. I was still more comfortable than Will, who was still trying to roll or scoot across the blanket. And it was too hurtful to even think of my children back home with my husband, sleeping soundly or not. They were left alone so I could be there with someone I’d loved so much so long ago, while he died. My children certainly didn’t ask for that, and my heart was breaking enough without thinking of the disappointment they were facing back home. Will started using his legs to push his body, headfirst, towards the bathroom door. He was moving fast, with power I couldn’t imagine he could possess. Within moments, his head was dangerously close to the corner of the dresser. One more push and his head was under the dresser, pressing against the lion leg. Just as I did with my children, I put my hand between his head and the corner of the leg. If he pushed again, he’d hit my hand and not split his head open on the hard wood. With my other hand, I grabbed the pillow I’d used during my last nap. I tried to shove the pillow under the dresser so Will couldn’t get under there anymore, but he was adamant and yelled at me.
“Will? You can’t go under the dresser. You could get stuck. You could hit your head,” I started crying. I looked up for Rebecca, who was already next to Will pulling the blanket that had rolled with him out from under his body. She was wincing for fear of hurting him too.
Will pushed himself again, but miraculously he’d lost strength in the leg that had forced him under the dresser, and using the other leg was able to inch his head out from danger. He was still very close to the dresser leg and the sharp corner, but he was at least out from under the dresser, and safe for the moment from getting stuck underneath a large piece of furniture. One push with the other leg, and he’d be right back under there.
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