34 Seconds

by Stella Samuel

  John Lennon was playing from my phone. “Will, I guess I just need to say we all love you. I love you. Rebecca loves you. Brian loves you. The people in this town all love you. I don’t even know who is here, but I know people have been coming by all day. I think they want to show you respect, so they haven’t been coming in here, but they love you. They also want Rebecca and me to know they are here for us. We will all be alright. We will. We will miss you so much, but we’ll be alright. We’ll move forward. We’ll think of you each and every day, maybe even every second of every day, but, Will? You can let go.” I said it. I knew I had to. I wasn’t sure what Will needed to hear. Or if he was even listening, but I was done talking. I gave him permission to let go, but all I was really saying was to myself – he could let go.

  One…Two…Three…Four…Five…Six…Seven…Eight…Nine…Ten…Eleven…Twelve…Thirteen…Fourteen…Fifteen…Sixteen…Seventeen…Eighteen…Nineteen…Twenty…Twenty-One… Twenty-Two…Twenty-Three…Twenty-Four…Twenty-Five…Twenty-Six…Twenty-Seven…Twenty-Eight. Inhale.

  I kissed his cheek, gently smoothed his thinning hair back away from his face. I could still see his curls. He looked so much older than he really was. Cancer was a bitch indeed. It took away his dignity, his beauty, and it was taking him away too. A tear of mine dropped onto his face. He didn’t flinch. More fell from my cheeks. I wiped them from his grey, almost translucent skin, and kissed him again before laying back on the bed and starting to count again.

  One…Two…Three…Four…Five…Six…Seven…Eight…Nine…Ten…Eleven…Twelve…Thirteen…Fourteen…Fifteen…Sixteen…Seventeen…Eighteen…Nineteen…Twenty…Twenty-One… Twenty-Two…Twenty-Three…Twenty-Four…Twenty-Five…Twenty-Six…Twenty-Seven…Twenty-Eight. Inhale

  One…Two…Three…Four…Five…Six…Seven…Eight…Nine…Ten…Eleven…Twelve…Thirteen…Fourteen…Fifteen…Sixteen…Seventeen…Eighteen…Nineteen…Twenty…Twenty-One… Twenty-Two…Twenty-Three…Twenty-Four…Twenty-Five…Twenty-Six…Twenty-Seven…Twenty-Eight. Wheeze and inhale. I thought next time I should maybe count how long it took him to actually inhale. I was counting the silence before he exhaled, the time his body was just doing what it naturally did. Survival mechanisms automatically kicking in because he was still alive. Next time I would count how long it took him to take an entire breath while his lungs were filling.

  ***

  One…Two…Three…Four…Five…Six…Seven…Eight…Nine…Ten…Eleven…Twelve…Thirteen…Fourteen…Fifteen…Sixteen…Seventeen…Eighteen…Nineteen…Twenty…Twenty-One…Twenty-Two…Twenty-Three…Twenty-Four…Twenty-Five…Twenty-Six…Twenty-Seven…Twenty-Eight…Twenty-Nine…Thirty…Thirty-One…Thirty-Two…Thirty-Three…I sat up and stared at Will. Thirty-four.

  ***

  Thirty-four seconds. Rebecca walked in the room just as I was flying off the bed to Will’s side.

  “Nikki? Why don’t you take a break?” Rebecca said to me as she came in.

  I looked up at her, horrified. Thirty-four seconds. I didn’t know how many had gone by since I stopped counting, but I did know his wife missed his last breath by that last second.

  “I..I…” I fell to the floor.

  “What?” Rebecca came running over to me.

  “Thirty-Four seconds,” was all I could say.

  Rebecca looked at Will. She couldn’t tell all the things I could tell. His breathing had been so silent for so many hours, she couldn’t tell.

  “I was counting his breaths. He was taking so long,” I sighed, sobbed, buried my face in my hands. “He’s gone. I counted to thirty-four, and I knew. Rebecca, he’s gone.”

  She fell to the floor next to me and started crying as hysterically as I was. Both of us sat staring at Will. Watching. Waiting. Listening. To nothingness.

  “Kenny Loggins” I said looking at my phone. “Celebrate Me Home. On the radio. Rebecca, I’m so sorry. You should have been here. I should have come to get you. I had been talking to him. I told him we all loved him.” My body was shaking, but I had to tell her about his last few moments. “I told him we would all be okay, and he could let go. I should have waited until you were here to say all of those things. I’m so sorry.” I just kept my face in my hands and tried to calm my own breathing. “I played music for him. I don’t know what he would have liked, so I picked a station of artists we used to listen to together. Rebecca, I think I saw his finger move once when one song came on. I talked to him, and then I thought I’d just ramble on and on, so I laid down and started counting the time between his breaths again. He’d gotten to twenty-eight, but once he got to thirty-four, I just knew.”

  Rebecca was crying so hard she was shaking as much as I was. I felt responsible. Like I had pushed Will right off his death bed and into Heaven.

  She put her arms around me and smoothed my hair. “Oh, doll, you don’t need to apologize. It’s okay. You were here. He wasn’t alone. He was with someone he loved, someone who loves him. That’s what he wanted. I knew when I took a break I might miss something. I guess I didn’t think it would be this quick. Now. This afternoon, but I knew it could happen at any time. And,” she lifted my face with her hands to look into my red runny eyes, “You played him music. I don’t know why none of us thought about playing music to begin with. It must have brought him such comfort. But once you were alone and all was settled and quiet in here, you were able to give him what he needed. Music took a journey into his soul, doll, and it helped his soul journey right on out of here too. You did that for him. And Kenny Loggins! What a blessing that one is. He loved that song.” She let out a small laugh.

  I hugged her back and got up. I kissed Will’s cheek, touched those curls for the last time, and looked at his wife. “I’m so sorry,” I said. “I’m so sorry. The least I can do is leave you alone for a bit. I’ll let everyone know.” I stopped at the door and said, “Unless you want to let everyone know. I’m so sorry, Rebecca, I feel like I am taking every opportunity away from you. How about I just go sit in the guest room, and you talk to all of your guests when you’re ready.”

  Rebecca nodded. Her tears were falling harder than just moments before. I walked around the hallway trying not to peek into the spaces of the house that held so many people waiting the news of Will’s passing. It reminded me of a maternity ward waiting room, everyone patiently awaiting news of new baby arrivals. Only no one was there to welcome life. We were all there to say goodbye to an entire life, to a friend, to someone we all loved. I fell onto the bed in Will’s guest room and sobbed. It was over. He was gone, in thirty-four seconds.

  Chapter Nineteen

  The next several hours were a blur. People gave us hugs and condolences. People I must have known at some point in my life told me to let them know if I needed anything, and then all the people left the house. Once the house was empty, I couldn’t think of one single person I recognized from my past life there other than Liza, and I noticed Kristy lingering in the background. I kept thinking of all the times I hugged someone who had used my name in our conversation, yet I didn’t know anyone. I didn’t belong there. It was obvious. My life there ended with Will, and I needed to start thinking about those who did await me back home in Colorado.

  The house was just regaining its silence when the funeral caddy pulled up. I had almost forgotten Will was still lying alone, on those flower sheets in a hospice bed in his own bedroom. I made myself scarce after sitting with him for a few minutes. I’d said my goodbyes, given him permission to leave me, to leave us, and for us to move on, so I had nothing to say to his body. I kissed my fingertips and placed them on his forehead, then walked away. From the guest bedroom, I could hear the funeral director talking to Rebecca and Brian about how they would handle the body. At those words, my tears gave up the fight to stay within my eyes and fell down my face in torrents, like a welcomed spring rain. They were going to dress Will and move him out on a stretcher. Then he’d be gone from his house, the place he loved. He’d be buried at Philippi Church in town, where he’d purc
hased one plot and had already ordered his headstone. It would have song lyrics from a song he’d written imprinted on it, but I wasn’t sure which one or if I’d even recognize it after all those years apart. I imagine he’d written a lot of songs. The house grew quiet again, and I assumed the funeral director was in Will’s room, while Brian and Rebecca were probably in the kitchen. If they were, the medicine log and all the medicines were sitting right in front of them on the small kitchen table as if they needed yet another reminder of the past several days. I sent Chris a text to let him know Will was gone, but I still wasn’t sure when I’d be heading home. Then I quietly cried myself to sleep.

  After only sleeping two hours, I woke with a dry nose and puffy eyes. I quietly walked out into the living room where Rebecca was sleeping on the couch and Brian was sitting in a chair staring out into space.

  “Hey, you,” Brian said. “Did you get some sleep?”

  “I guess I did. More than I thought I would, I guess. How are you feeling? You should find some sleep too. Do you want to go lie down in the room I was in?” I rubbed my eyes and reached for a tissue box nearby.

  “No, I’m okay. I’m, uh…” Brian sighed. “I guess I’m spent. I’m exhausted, I’m sad, and I’m angry. I don’t think I can sleep. Do you want something to eat?”

  Brian was the unsung hero of the whole situation, and his role was truly coming to light in that moment as I looked at him. He had been with us when we needed him, gave us space when we needed it, did the manual labor us girls needed a man to do, and I wasn’t sure if we’d even asked him how he was doing.

  “Brian? Do you want something to eat? You’ve taken such great care of us, and of Will, and, well,” I started crying again. “I don’t think we’ve properly thanked you. If we ever said the words, it wasn’t enough. What can I do to care for you right now? Do you need some food? Some coffee, a soda?” I wiped my tears from my eyes and cheeks and walked over to the chair where Brian sat.

  “I don’t want to eat, but thank you, Nik. Thank you.” He put his head back and closed his eyes. We all felt the same; spent, exhausted, sad, angry, and probably unable to process anything with any sound reason.

  I picked the other straight back chair in the room and sat down with my phone in hand. I had only texted Chris earlier to tell him the news, but I hadn’t checked my messages since. Chris had responded with, “I’m so sorry, honey. We miss you a lot around here, maybe hearing all about Goon-Goon will lift your spirits. Call us when you can. We are all home.” Looking at my watch, I realized it was about dinner time in Colorado, so I quietly walked back into the guest room to call my family.

  “Mommy!” I heard as soon as the phone was answered. This time the tears welled up in my eyes began their journey down my face.

  “Emily, hi, sweetie! How are you?” It was all I could get out before sobbing. I had left my children to watch a man die. In that moment, I wasn’t sure which hurt worse.

  “Mommy. We went to the toy store! Daddy bought Bella a new blankie! She can’t find her soft blankie, so I got a new Bunny! Oh, Mommy, she’s so pretty. See her? She’s all fluffy and pink and look at her long ears. Oh, Mommy, I just love her so much. And she’s Goon-Goon’s new bestest friend in the whole wide world. They play together all the time. They are so funny. Goon-Goon just laughs at Flip-Flop all day long. Goon-Goon is a girl you know, Daddy keeps saying ‘him!’ I have to tell HIM all the time that Goon-Goon is a HER, and now she has a new best friend.”

  There were several seconds there I was glad Emily went on and on because I couldn’t find my voice again. I’d never felt so far away as I did in the moment my daughter was trying to show me her new stuffed bunny over the telephone.

  “Did you say the new bunny’s name is Flip-Flop?” I asked Emily.

  “Yes, Mommy. She has flippy floppy ears, but I made it shorter and named her Flip-Flop. Isn’t she so pretty, Mommy? When are you coming back home? Before bedtime?”

  “Oh,” my voice squeaked. “I bet she’s beautiful, honey. I’m not sure when I’m coming home, but no, not before bed time tonight. I’m sure it will be soon though, maybe a few more days?” I had no clue when I was going to leave Virginia and begin the 1800 mile drive back, but I was certain it had to be soon.

  “Honey, I love you so much,” I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. It hurt being away from her, and it hurt talking to her. “Is Daddy nearby, can I talk to him? And will you please give Bella a big hug from me?”

  “Sure, Mommy. Bye, Mommy, miss you!”

  “Nikki?” Chris started with a soft voice.

  “Hey, Chris.” Everything I had left my body the second I said his name. I couldn’t speak again. There was no sound, no emotion, no feeling, my senses weren’t coming to the surface. My mind and body didn’t register a single thing. No dust particle in the air, no breeze whispering through the house.

  “Nik?”

  Heartbeat.

  Thump. Thump.

  Thump. Thump.

  My senses were starting to come back to me. I couldn’t hear my heartbeat, but I could feel it. A beating reminder I was still among the living. Without Will.

  “It’s done. He’s gone,” I whispered to my husband from 1800 miles away.

  Chris sighed. “I’m sorry, hon.” He sighed again. “I’m not sure what else to say. Are you okay? How about Rebecca? How’s she doing?”

  “Chris, I can’t talk right now. I have to go. I love you. I’ll call you later.” I hung up. Just like that, I ended a conversation with my husband without waiting to hear his response or giving him a chance to say goodbye.

  Chapter Twenty

  The hours belonging to the next two days seemed to fly by at times and stand still at others. I spent the rest of my days away from Will’s house, trying to help Rebecca from the comfort of my father’s house. It was nice to spend time with my family. Natalie was very kind, and brought meals to me and Dad. Nana asked a lot of questions I didn’t want to answer. But mostly I sat in quiet with my dad.

  “When is the funeral?” my father asked one morning while we were having coffee on his back deck.

  “It’s tomorrow,” I said calmly and quietly. “Dad?”

  When I looked up, I could see him looking at me. “Nikki, I’ll go with you. If you’d like me to, that is. I know Chris can’t come out here for a funeral. You probably shouldn’t be there alone anyway. I guess his wife will have her family around.”

  “I talked to her. I think they are a little upset at her. She just told them about the marriage arrangement. I guess they don’t think she should have married just so someone isn’t alone when they die. They think she should have married for love.”

  “I married for love. It wasn’t all it was cracked up to be,” Dad laughed. My parents’ marriage hadn’t survived much beyond my own toddlerhood. Mom lived in Florida. We didn’t see her much. Dad had raised my sister and me, and his family was always around. Mom was some corporate big wig, selling south Florida real estate.

  “I married for love, too, Dad,” I said. “It’s been a great choice for me. I actually don’t think I could do what Rebecca did. She actually loved Will. Maybe he loved her, too. But she knew what she was getting into.” I paused and thought about the past few days. I thought about my last statement. “Well, maybe she didn’t know everything she was getting into. But she knew she wasn’t getting into a lifelong marriage. Shit. Did I just say life long? She was with Will for the rest of his life, wasn’t she?” I dabbed my wet eyes, thinking of Rebecca. I’d had such dislike for her over the past several months, thinking she’d pushed Will and me apart.

  “Yeah, maybe she didn’t know how it would all end, but she did sign up for something the rest of us aren’t privy to; knowing our spouse will die, and it will be sooner than anyone would be ready for. I guess there is some nobility there.” Dad plucked a cigarette from his shirt pocket and twirled it between his fingers.

  “Will you go with me, really?”

  “Of course, Buttercup. I d
on’t have a suit though. And you know I hate funerals. So if you are okay with me just wearing a button down, I’m good with driving you up there and standing with you. I’ll even iron the shirt,” He got up, squeezed my shoulder and lit his cigarette as he walked away. Even without my children around me, he wouldn’t smoke in front of me anymore.

  “Shit!” I exclaimed.

  “What?” Dad turned around at the bottom of the steps to see what had gotten me. I was sure he was thinking some very tiny spider had crossed my path or something similar.

  “I need a dress. I’m going to run down to Newport News real quick. I’ll be back for dinner,” I said. But then I laughed. Real quick and going to Newport News from Deltaville didn’t connect somehow. Newport News was an hour away. But at least I was alone and knew where the mall was. A simple black dress should be fairly easy to find. Maybe I’d have a chance to stop at Dunkin’ Donuts on my way back. They were Dad’s favorites, and I was Dunkin’ deprived in Colorado.

  I watched Dad walk around his property just so he could enjoy a smoke alone. Then I called Chris and my girls.

  “Mommy. Volcanoes killed the dinosaurs. Daddy got me a new dinosaur book, and there’s a picture of them right inside. It was a volcano. I remember the man at the museum told us it was a spaceship!”

  I laughed. My girls were growing so quickly, changing so fast, and I was on the other side of the country missing it.

  We spoke for a few more minutes, and I told everyone while they were all on speaker phone I would leave the day after the funeral. I’d take the rental car across the country and drop it off in Boulder. I flew out and figured I’d fly back home, but I hadn’t counted on having things to bring home with me. I promised my girls I’d be home within four days. Chris wanted me to promise to stay at least one night on the road.