by Max Brallier
TALES
FROM THE
LAND OF
OOO
by Max Brallier illustrated by Stephen Reed
PSS!
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An Imprint of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.
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Manufactured in China.
ISBN: 978-0-698-14393-7
Table of Contents
Bone Appetit
An Excerpt from I Wrote Another Book! By Lumpy Space Princess
Finn and Jake’s Just-For-Fun, Onlyfor-Practice Villain-Vanquishing Gauntlet
The Trouble With Gunters
Tree Fort Front Yard Sale
BONE APPÉTIT
“The Boneyard Kingdom creeps me out majorly,” Finn said. “Of all the Kingdoms, Boneyard is def the creepiest.”
Finn and Jake were crossing through the dark and horrible Boneyard Kingdom, which is why—y’know—the overwhelming creepiness of the place was on Finn’s mind. The moon cast twisted and misshapen shadows, while tall, spindly trees reached out of the ground like skeletal hands—talons that might grab you at any moment.
It was totes scary.
“Agreed, bro—” Jake began to say, but was stopped short by a sound—a horrible, profane, otherworldly sound that went a lil’ something like: GREEOOOOAARHHHHH!!!
“Holy demon butts!” Finn exclaimed.
“Sorry, dude,” Jake said. “False alarm. That was just my belly.” Jake then punched himself in the belly and shouted, “SHUT UP, YELLOW BELLY!”
“Whoa, man, your stomach is heated,” said Finn.
“Yeah. I’m superstarved,” Jake replied. “Where’s that snail that’s always hanging around? If I saw him, I’d be all like, nom nom nom!”
Finn put away his sword, Jake suppressed his hunger, and the two righteous buds continued their trek through the murky woods. Then Finn slowed and squinted. He saw something moving up ahead in the mist.
Suddenly a skeletal figure burst through the haze and said, “Hey, guys!”
“Ahhh!” Finn screamed.
“Sorry!” the skeleton said. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m Ted.”
“No worries, Skeleton Ted,” Jake said. “You didn’t scare us. Nothing scares us. Finn and I were just…um…playing dentist. Right, Finn?”
“Huh?” Finn said, confused. “Oh, right, playing dentist. Yeah. Now it’s your turn, Jake. Say ahh.”
“Ahhhh!” Jake said.
“You guys are pretty good at playing dentist!” Skeleton Ted said.
Jake leaned over and whispered to Finn, “Wow, Skeleton Ted totally fell for our playing-dentist ruse.”
“In addition to your pearly white teeth, you two look superhealthy,” Ted continued, looking the two heroes up and down. “And skinny.”
Jake and Finn exchanged glances that said, “This Skeleton Ted is a weirdo bajeerdo, and it’d be nice if he’d stop looking us up and down like that.”
“Why don’t you come join me and my skeleton pals for dinner?” Skeleton Ted asked, reaching out and taking Finn’s hand. “We’d all love to have you for dinner.”
Finn yanked his hand away. “Whoa, Skeleton Ted, personal space violation! Stop touching me with your weird cold bone hands,” Finn said. “We just met. And, um, no thanks on the dinner invite.”
But Jake was psyched and already set on a bone meal. “But, dude! I’m soooo hungry. C’mon, least we can do is see what they’re cooking up!”
“Jake!” Finn whispered. “You know I don’t like skeleton dudes.”
“Don’t be a skeleton hater!” Jake whispered back. “Someday you’ll be a skeleton!”
“No, I won’t!” Finn yelled. “I will never, ever, ever—Oh, wait, I will…”
So as Finn contemplated life, death, and the unavoidable fact that someday his heroic heart would stop beating, his fleshy skin would molt away, and he’d turn 100 percent skeleton, Jake took him by the wrist and together the two pals followed Skeleton Ted through the woods of the Boneyard Kingdom.
The moon was high and bright as they came upon a small graveyard. At the center was a long dining table made entirely of bones. The table legs were femurs, and the surface was an intricate interweaving of ribs and finger bones and toe bones and nose bones. Positioned around the table—as chairs—were headstones.
Just beyond the table was a small cottage. Smoke came from the chimney, and it smelled, Jake thought, like some delish down-home skeleton cooking.
Finn and Jake sat together at the head of the table. Skeleton Waiter came out of the cottage wearing bright white waiter gear over his bony figure and said to Finn and Jake, “I am most delighted to be serving you.”
“Thanks, Skeleton Waiter,” Jake said, grabbing handfuls of food and shoving them in his mouth.
“Did you hear that?” Finn whispered to Jake. “He said serving you.”
“Yeah, bro, that’s what waiters do,” Jake said between bites. “Jeez. We gotta get you out more.”
“I know what waiters do! But that monster maître d’ made it sound like he was going to be serving us! Like serving US. I think we’re on the menu! Skin salads or something, dude!”
“Chill out and dig in, buddy,” Jake said, jamming more food into his mouth. “Wait! Dude, I just got that! Shoveling food means you’re digging in. Like shovels dig? In the earth? What a meal, man. We’re eating exotic cuisine and catching knowledge.”
Finn sighed and reached for an appetizer. But when he saw what it was, he just about vommed. “There’s no meat on these bones! These are just, like, bones.”
“Oh, just eat it, man. You don’t want to offend our hosts,” Jake said, sucking sloppily on a bone. “Besides, this is primo bone.”
Just then
, Skeleton Chef came out of the cottage. He stood at the end of the table and announced to Jake, Finn, and the rest of the skeleton gang, “I am proud to reveal the main course. For dinner, I shall be serving…”
Everyone waited with bated breath. Well, the two guys that breathed at least: Finn and Jake.
“A couple of meatballs! And from the looks of them, they are going to be quite delicious,” Skeleton Chef said, staring directly at Finn and Jake through hollow coal-black eye sockets.
“I have a bad feeling about—” Finn started.
“MEATBALLS?” Jake shrieked. “I loooooooove meatballs. I am beyond pumped to participate in this skeletal meatball meal.”
“Jake!” Finn whispered. “We’re a couple of meatballs! I’m telling you—any second, they’re gonna cook us up, dude!”
“Oh, stop being so suspicious and crazy. Here, try a mozzarella finger bone.”
“No!” Finn said, slapping away the cheesy metacarpal. “If I’m crazy, then why are those guys staring at us like that?”
“What guys?”
“Dude, THOSE GUYS!”
“Oh,” Jake said. “They probably just think we’re awesome and wanna be like us, so they’re watching us carefully and closely so they can study us and stuff.”
“Hmm…,” Finn said, thinking. “That does make sense.”
“Flippin’-A right it does,” Jake said, reaching for another bone.
Finn shook his head. “But no. No! I’m telling you, we need to get out of here, like, right now, yesterday time.”
“Shh, shh,” Jake said, hushing Finn. “Look, Skeleton Waiter is coming. I think it’s time for the main course!”
Finn looked up to see Skeleton Waiter stepping out of the small cottage. “Fellow skeletons, it is now time for the main course. I hope you’re all ready to eat…OUR TWO HEROES!”
“Ahhh! That’s IT!” Finn yelled. He reached over, slapped the bone out of Jake’s mouth, and sent Jake sprawling to the ground.
“We are OUT OF HERE! Serving us! Two meatballs! Eating two heroes. They are one hundred percent talking about us, dude! I flippin’ told you!”
“Oh man!” Jake said. “Stupid hunger pangs manipulated my judgment again!”
“I’ll bust your chops,” Finn said, grabbing Jake.
The duo sprinted into the woods, running as fast as they could.
Back at the table, a single tear dropped from Skeleton Chef’s eye socket as he lifted the lid off his serving platter, revealing two piping-hot meatball hoagies.
“I guess they didn’t want to try these two delicious meatball heroes…”
THE END!
AN EXCERPT FROM I WROTE ANOTHER BOOK! BY LUMPY SPACE PRINCESS
To my LUMPS. I owe all my fabulous success to them.
Hi, gals and pals! Thanks for reading. My book editor—who is not all that lumping great—said my last book, I Wrote a Book (buy it today!!!) lacked “meaningful content.” I don’t even know what that LUMPING MEANS, but whatevs.
So this stupid editor was all like, “We’re going to release a little part of your next book early (that little part is called an excerpt) to whet people’s appetites for the whole book.”
And I was all like, “Well, if you want to whet their LUMPING appetites, just put more pics of my smokin’ lumps on the cover!”
Anyway, I’m going to pack a ton of awesome stuff into this chapter, so it can be excerpted in The Lumpy Spacer magazine, which is, like, super highbrow and talks about plays and stuff, which of course I love because plays=DRAMA!
So…
Once upon a time there was a beautiful lumpy space princess…me!
I live in this superawesome amazing home. Oh my glob, isn’t it just to die? I know.
Currently I’m in, like, negotiations to have my beautiful home featured in an episode of House Finders: Land of Ooo Edition.
Sometimes Finn and Jake come by. We’re besties, even though sometimes Jake calls me a hobo, and I’m all like, “Oh my glob! SHUT YOUR FACE, JAKE! I AM NOT A HOBO!”
Now you’re probably all, “OMG, LSP, you are so young and gorge and you live on your own in a mansion?!?” EDITOR’S NOTE: It’s a hobo mansion.
Well, yes. That is all true. I am young and gorge and I live on my own in a mansion. EDITOR’S NOTE: Still a hobo mansion.
There was a whole reason I ended up here on my own, but it’s way complicated. Basically I got in a big fight with my stupid mom and dad, and also things were getting soooo dramafied with Brad.
If you’ve been living under, like, a lumping rock or something, Brad is my stupid ex-BF who I used to eat chili cheese fries with.
Secretly, I would maybe, possibly, probably, not sure, but kinda definitely take Brad back if he was interested. But I’m sure he’s lumping not because he’s all lumping intimidated by me and MY LUMPS! GAH! My beauty is my curse!
But FYI, babes, being a Lumpy Space Princess is NOT just all riding around in cars with boys and eating beans from a can and looking lumping fabulous. There are downsides. Like, who can you trust in this lumping world? It’s TOTALLY “mo lumps, mo problems” out here on the streets.
Melissa is my best friend, but in my celly she is labeled as Best Friend #66 because I don’t want her thinking she’s all high-and-lumping-mighty.
Ugh, hold on. My celly is blowing up like it’s preggers.
“Hello? LSP here. Oh, hiiii, Melissa.”
It’s lumping Melissa. Yes, she’s my best friend, but still…I just—ARGH! I DON’T KNOW! I’M JUST AN EMOTIONAL THUNDERSTORM!!!
“Sorry, yeah, go ahead, Melissa. No, I don’t care. You do whatever you want. Go to the drive-in movie theater with Brad. Good. Fine. Whatever. Do that. No, I’m not mad. NO, I’M NOT LUMPING MAD! GOOD-BYE!”
WHAT THE LUMP?! Melissa is going to the drive-in with Brad? Like, what lumping YEAR IS IT?!? Who goes to the drive-in?!? Melissa doesn’t even like movies; she likes daytime dramas! She totally, like, changes when she’s with Brad.
Ugh. Anyway. SIDETRACKED! Now my lumps are grumps. So, that’s IT! NO MORE writing today!
I’ll just sum everything up real quick and say yes, my life is totes glamsville. You should probably be a lot more like me, and I’m dying a little on the inside because I know you never will be.
Okay, that’s it. That’s the excerpt. That’s ALL you get without buying the whole book.
Peace out, loves!
BUMPS!
THE END!
FINN AND JAKE’S JUST-FOR-FUN, ONLYFOR-PRACTICE VILLAIN-VANQUISHING GAUNTLET
Finn and Jake had just gotten whupped. They were slowly making their way back through the Cotton Candy Forest. Finn’s cheeks were bright pink and scuffed up, and Jake’s butt was in a world of rubbery hurt. In short, they did not look so hot.
“Those goblins really stomped on our brains,” Finn said.
“Majorly,” Jake said. “I’m off my game, dude.”
“Hey,” Finn said, stopping to look at Jake with all sorts of utmost seriousness. “Don’t you say that, Jake. You are just as awesome as ever.”
“Your support means the universe to me, bro,” Jake said. “And I sincerely appreciate it. But, man, look at us!”
They were standing near a pond, so Finn and Jake stepped over and looked down at their reflections. Staring back at them were, indeed, two really beat-up versions of Finn and Jake.
“Convenient pond,” Jake said.
In fact, they were so beat-up that a turtle even popped its head up and said, “What happened? Did you guys fall off a cliff and land in a pile of punching fists or something?”
“You shut your butt, turtle!” Jake shouted.
“Maybe you’re right,” Finn said to Jake as they continued walking. “Maybe we are off our game.”
“Wait, I think it’s games,” Jake said. “Plural. ’Cause it’s two of us, and together we’re, like, off our collective games.”
“No way,” Finn said. “Game. Single. ’Cause I only know one single game—and that game is A
dventuring and Slaying Anything That’s Evil!”
Jake rubbed his chin. “Um. I don’t think that’s totally accurate, dude. What about Wizard Wars? And Adventure Masters? And Guardians of Sunshine? And Conversation Parade?”
“Oh yeah,” Finn replied. “Good point. I guess I do know other games. But I’m not off of any of those games!”
“Right,” Jake said. “Just the important one—the evil-slayin’ game! I think we need practice.”
Finn thought about this for a moment and then said, “You know what? I think you’re right. But that’s okay! Even the most radical of heroes need to practice every now and then. So, Jake,…WHAT TIME IS IT?”
Jake shrugged. “Um. Like, a little before noon, probably.”
Finn stopped and put his hands squarely on his hips. “No, dude.”
“Oh right. Sorry,” Jake muttered. “My noggin is still sort of scrambled from that goblin beating. Stupid goblins. It’s…”
“PRACTICE TIME!”
How can two mighty heroes like Jake and Finn get their practice on? Slaying evil is a real-world thing and most definitely not easy to replicate in a rehearsal-type atmosphere.
But Finn and Jake are smart fellas, and they came up with a supershrew solution. It was…
Dun dun dun…
FINN AND JAKE’S JUST-FOR-FUN, ONLY-FOR-PRACTICE VILLAIN-VANQUISHING GAUNTLET!!!
A few hours later, the gauntlet was nearly complete. And it was a sick-awesome gauntlet. Finn and Jake built wooden targets of each of their many enemies. When they finished, wooden targets were lining the field in front of their Tree Fort—perfect to test Finn and Jake’s evil-defeating moves.
There were a whole freaking fartload of wooden villains, including Ricardio the Heart Guy, Tree Witch, Bucket Knight, Hunson Abadeer, Sir Slicer, Marceline’s annoying ghost friends, Me-Mow, the Lich, and (last but not least) the Ice King.
Jake and Finn looked out at their just-for-fun, only-for-practice villain-vanquishing gauntlet!!!, feeling pretty darn proud of themselves. “Dude, those jerks look pretty real,” Jake said.