by Max Brallier
“Totally. This is gonna be the best practice EVER!” Finn exclaimed.
MEANWHILE…
The Ice King was hiding behind a rock, spying on Finn and Jake. The Ice King had planned on just peeking in on Finn and Jake for a moment and doing a little research for his fan fiction, but now he was intrigued. Because he was looking at something quite odd…he was looking at what, to his eyes, appeared to be a great gathering of villains from across the Land of Ooo and beyond!
“What is this?” the Ice King exclaimed. He looked down at Gunter, who offered no help, saying only, “Wak.”
“Gunter, it looks like all those villains are having a meet-up.”
“Wak.”
“They’re being a bunch of chatty cathies and trading war stories and swapping recipes without me,” the Ice King said, frowning.
“Wak.”
“Argh. C’mon, Gunter. Let’s get closer,” the Ice King said. “We can hide behind that handsome fella at the end there.”
That “handsome fella at the end there,” of course, was the wooden target of the Ice King. But the Ice King, overwhelmed by envy and a driving desire to swap recipes, didn’t even notice. Instead he just crept down the hill, parked his rear end behind the wooden target, and waited, hoping to catch some good gossip before revealing himself.
MEANWHILE…
Finn said to Jake, “When we’re done running through this practice course, we will totes be ready to crush whatever comes our way!”
“Amen, bro!” Jake said.
“All right, you wooden butts!” Finn yelled at the targets. “Prepare to get kicked by non-wooden Finn!”
And Finn was off, punching, kicking, slicing, stabbing, and chopping his way through the gauntlet.
“Heart! Attack!” Finn yelled, slamming a massive kick into Ricardio the Heart Guy and shattering the target like whoa.
“Hey, Tree Witch, my sword moves are off the broom handle!” Finn yelled as he gashed open the Tree Witch target.
“Sir Slicer,” Finn yelled as he held up his hand in perfect karate-chopping form, “meet Sir Dicer!
“Me-Mow? NO! Me-Pow!!!” Finn shouted as he flicked the Me-Mow target way off into the sunset.
MEANWHILE…
The Ice King was in superspy mode. He peered around the wooden target, still completely unaware he was hiding behind a target of himself.
And what he saw blew his frozen mind! He saw a whole torrent of crazy kung fu Finn the adventurer practice action! He even saw Finn karate chop—KA-POW—one villain completely in half!
“Oh my. This is so horrible and gruesome!” Ice King said. “Finn just murdered a guy! That little human seems to have changed his approach to fighting evil.”
The Ice King ducked back behind the target of himself. “Oh no. If Finn’s murdering villains, that means I’m next!”
BACK TO THE ACTION!!!
“Your daughter,” Finn cried out as he rained down kicks on the Hunson Abadeer target, “is so remarkably rad that I almost feel bad sneaker stomping you like this!
“I’m legendary for putting Liches…,” Finn said, swinging his sword and chopping off the Lich’s wooden head, “in stiches!”
Finn landed and rolled. When he stood, he saw a wasteland of defeated wooden villains. And now only one target remained.
The Ice King.
“I think,” Finn yelled, raising his sword, “it’s time to put you on ice!”
And with that, Finn spun, ducked, and came up swinging at the wooden target of the Ice King. But Finn—who was used to the ice bolt–blasting, Fridjitzu master, real-life version of the Ice King—was thrown off by how easy it was. So when Finn swung, he totally whiffed and went sprawling into the grass!
“Hey, dude, you just whiffed like a big lame-o,” Jake said. “But don’t worry, I’ll handle this one.”
Jake’s foot began a windup motion, building up power and power and more power, and then—BAM!—he unleashed a long, rubbery, turbo-power kick at the wooden Ice King.
“KA-KRUNCH!!” Jake’s foot said—’cause Jake’s foot is AWESOME, and if it could talk, it would say things like KA-KRUNCH!!—and his foot flew right through the Ice King target and into the real Ice King, who was still cowering on the other side.
“KA-POW!!!” Jake’s foot said as it nailed the Ice King right in his big blue belly. Jake’s foot was clearly feeling pretty talkative.
“What the what?” Finn exclaimed. “It’s the REAL Ice King!”
“Get away, get away!” the Ice King shouted. “You’re not heroes! You’re horrible and vicious killers!”
And then he ran like crazy back to the Ice Kingdom, moving in the stupid, goofy way an injured, gut-kicked little Ice King does. Finn and Jake had big stupid grins on their faces as they watched him go.
“You know what I think?” Jake said.
“What?” Finn asked.
“I think we are back on our game, dude!”
FIST BUMP!!!
Oh yeah, and then Jake also said, “And, dude, I think your action fatality puns need a little work…‘Liches in stiches’? C’mon now.”
THE END!
THE TROUBLE WITH GUNTERS
The Ice King held it up to the light. It was small and pink, and it had taken the Ice King forever to get. It was…
A single piece of magical potionlicious bubblegum!
“Oh yes,” the Ice King said, laughing wickedly. “This magical potionlicious bubblegum will allow me to blow the biggest bubblegum bubble in history! I won’t need to kidnap Princess Bubblegum…she’ll keel over right on the spot. Keel over with desire!
“Right, Gunter?” the Ice King said to the penguin closest to him.
“Wak.”
“Exactly!” the Ice King said, giggling wildly. “Just need to throw on a few dabs of Randy Glacier cologne, so I’m prepared when the princess lovin’ begins.”
The Ice King very carefully and very delicately set the magical potionlicious bubblegum piece down on the arm of his ice throne and disappeared into the bathroom.
Moments later, he came back, covered in the confident stink of love anticipation.
“And now it’s time for—hey…HEY. HEY! Where’d my magical potionlicious bubblegum go?” the Ice King said, confused.
It was gone!
Panic-stricken, the Ice King spun about, looking everywhere. Then his eyes locked on them. All his many penguins—each of them lovingly named Gunter. And they all stared back at him with their big dumb penguin eyes.
“Gunters…did you do something with Daddy’s magical potionlicious bubblegum?”
The Gunters stayed silent.
“Did you swallow my magical potionlicious bubblegum?” the Ice King shouted, pointing a long bony finger at the closest penguin.
“Wak,” Gunter replied.
“Was it you, Gunter?” the Ice King said, kneeling down in front of one Gunter. “Are you mad because I use you like a TV stand when I play video games?”
“Wak.”
“Or maybe it was you, Gunter?” the Ice King said, picking up a different penguin. “Are you still sore over that little comment about your weight? That I called you Daddy’s Little Fatty? Eh?”
“Wak.”
“Argh! You—you—you—Gunters!!!!”
“Wak,” some other Gunters replied.
The Ice King collapsed into his icy throne and put his head in his hands. “Do you know what I went through to get that magical potionlicious bubblegum? Do you have any idea of the horrible, awful things I had to do? Well, I won’t go into details, but let’s just say—I mean—bad things…I still feel unclean.”
All of the many penguins continued to stare at the Ice King with their deceivingly cute penguin eyes.
For a long while, the Ice King sat on his throne, thinking. How could he determine which penguin had stolen his gum? I’m smart, the Ice King thought. I should be able to figure this out. I know! I’ll send them all on a trip! A guilt trip…
The Ice King kneeled
down, talked very softly and sweetly, and pretended to be very sad—which was not that tough because the Ice King is a generally glum and gloomy guy. “Gunter. Gunters. My many, many Gunters,” the Ice King began. “I’ve given you a home…you many Gunters have become my army. My army…of friends. My army of best friends…”
The Ice King then quickly followed that up with, “Not counting Finn and Jake.”1
“Well, my best friends,” the Ice King continued, “I really, truly hope you can find it in your cold penguin hearts to return my piece of magical potionlicious bubblegum. I’m going to turn around now and count to three. I don’t even care who took it as long as it’s returned.”
The Ice King turned his back and began counting.
“One…
“Two…
“Three…”
And when he turned back, there was still no magical potionlicious bubblegum.
“Argh!” the Ice King bellowed.
He grabbed the nearest Gunter, held it upside down, and shook it furiously. “Come out, come out, come out!” the Ice King said as he shook Gunter after Gunter after Gunter.
But no magic gum was revealed.
The Ice King huffed off into the corner. “Use your brain, guy. You’re a king. What would Finn and Jake do? They’d probably say something hip and ironic like trigonomical or scientific! They’re so cool and hip with their math—”
And the Ice King stopped cold.
“Wait—math!”
Suddenly, with furious speed, the Ice King got to work. His hands moved in flashes, manipulating the H20 particles in the air—he was forming, building, and constructing like an ice boss.
After a moment, he stepped back to admire his work. In the center of his throne room now stood a large scale made purely of ice. Icy weighing pans hung from a long beam of ice.
“Now, you stupid identical penguins, I’ll weigh you each against one another. And one of you Gunters will weigh more! And that will be the Gunter that has swallowed my gum! Oh boy, I’m brilliant,” the Ice King continued, giggling softly. “I wish someone was here to see this.”
The Ice King began placing Gunters on the scale. “That’s it, on the scale. You’re next,” the Ice King said as he helped one penguin up and into the left pan and another into the right.
“Four point six pounds,” he said, reading the scale. “Yes. Okay. Next. Four point six pounds as well, I see.
“Okay, you two pass the test. For now…” the Ice King said, glaring at them.
The Ice King brought two more Gunters up onto the scale. But, immediately, the Gunter on the right pan began doing a little booty-shake dance.
“Gunter, stop dancing!” the Ice King shouted. “Stop dancing, Gunter! You’re muddling the measurements!”
But Gunter ignored him and only began to dance more awesomely.
Then the Ice King snapped, like a frozen Slim Jim. He had never been so angry. His blood—usually steady at a temperature of 30°C—began (relatively) boiling. He saw visions. Ice King visions. Horrible, terrifying images danced across his eyes.
“That’s it, you prancing Gunter!” he screamed, and then—
KA-SHOOM!!!
Ice bolts hurtled from the Ice King’s fingertips!
“WAK!” Gunter scrawked (that’s a screech and a squawk at the same time, BTW).
Gunter twirled and booty danced off the side of the pan, just as an ice bolt shot past him. The ice bolt blasted into the ice scale. KRA-KRUNCH! There was a big ice ’splosion, and the scale was destroyed, scattering little ice cubes of justice on the floor.
The Ice King was in a frenzied rage. “One of you will spit out my magical potionlicious bubblegum right this second, or I’ll send all of you away on an iceberg. One hundred stupid Gunters floating away at sea!”
He got down on one knee and grabbed the closest Gunter.
“Now…SPIT. IT. OUT!”
And—finally—that Gunter gave the Ice King what he wanted…sort of. Gunter blew a giant magical potionlicious bubblegum bubble right in the Ice King’s face.
The gum was indeed enchanted, and it certainly would have allowed the Ice King to blow the biggest bubble ever. Gunter’s bubblegum bubble grew bigger and bigger and bigger until…
POP!!!
The giant bubblegum bubble exploded in a blast of messy pinkness. Sticky, stringy strands of gummy goo coated the Ice King’s white beard and white hair and white eyebrows.
“Oh, Gunters…” The Ice King sighed.
SOME TIME LATER…
Finn and Jake were in the middle of a game of Portender Defender when there was a loud knock at the door. Finn hit Pause and walked to the door.
“Jake, you better not un-pause it and double reverse suplex me while I’m answering the door, or I will come back and fart knock you!”
Finn opened the front door. There stood the Ice King, covered head to toe in bright pink bubblegum. “Holy shmow!” Finn said. “What happened to you?”
“Finn?” the Ice King said with a gentle softness. “We’re friends, right?”
Finn thought for a moment. “Um. Kinda…”
“Well, ‘kinda friends’ sometimes give each other emergency haircuts, right? To get out stuff? Like, maybe, for example, bubblegum…”
Finn sighed. “Come in, Ice King. I’ll go get my sword…”
“Couldn’t you just have had Gunter help with this?” Finn asked.
“BLERG!!!!”
THE END!
1. Finn and Jake would totally NOT agree with that, BTW—I asked them, trust me.
TREE FORT FRONT YARD SALE
Finn and Jake were playing Twister, and Finn was not having fun. Finn didn’t dislike Twister, per se—in fact, he sort of kind of really wanted to play Twister with Flame Princess. But Finn hated playing Twister with Jake, because Jake never, ever lost.
“Left butt, red,” BMO said, in that impossibly soft and cute little BMO voice.
“Dude,” Finn said, sweat pouring off him as he tried to get his butt over to red. “This—oww—isn’t really—argh—fair.”
“Why not?” Jake said.
“You’re wrapped around every which way! You’ve got, like, five elbows and six butts right now!”
“Don’t be a hater,” Jake replied.
Finn stretched and struggled and reached and moaned and groaned and then—
“GAH!”
Finn lost his balance and collapsed on the floor in a sprawled-out human boy heap. As he did, his right foot slammed into the wall of the Tree Fort. And on that wall hung something very sharp and very bright and very poke-y…
A yellow dagger.
Finn’s accidental kick knocked it free, so that it was now plummeting to the ground!
THUNK!
“Whoa!” Jake said. “I almost got pincushioned! That is it! There is an overload of junk in this joint.”
“Junk?” Finn said. “What junk? I only see awesome lame treasures.”
“Yeah, well, one man’s treasure is another dog’s junk—and this dog thinks this stuff is junk,” Jake replied. “But don’t worry. I have a solution.”
Finn waited.
“One word…,” Jake said.
Finn’s eyes were wide with anticipation.
“Tree Fort Front Yard Sale!” Jake exclaimed.
Finn thought for a moment and then said, “That is not one word. That is five words that separately are all kinda eh, whatever—although fort is pretty much cool no matter what—but you put those five words together, and you know what, Jake?”
“What, Finn?”
“I LOVE it! I am freaking all about offering people the chance to buy our radical possessions at bargain-basement prices.”
SOME TIME LATER…
Jake and Finn were going through the tree house, room by room, throwing stuff in For Sale boxes. They already had two big boxes filled to the brim.
But as Finn went through the bedroom, throwing in skulls and helmets and other items, he began to feel a little sad. “I�
��m maybe rethinking this, Jake. These items hold so many memories…”
“Memories I would have lost permanently, if that golden dagger of yours had throttled my skull like it almost did,” Jake said.
“I guess…,” Finn said.
“To put on a good Tree Fort Front Yard Sale, you have to be merciless and cold-blooded, dude. No emotions,” Jake said. “Like me!”
“Okay, I guess you’re right,” Finn said as he tossed an empty cardboard toilet paper tube into the For Sale box.
“NOOO!!!” Jake cried out. “Not that! Whatsa matter with you? That’s got memory attached to it.”
Jake yanked the empty cardboard toilet paper tube out of the box. “I said ‘cold-blooded,’ Finn. Not downright heartless.”
But pretty soon, they had agreed on a fair number of things which they felt didn’t have too many memories attached to them. In the front yard, they set up tables. Tables teeming with Tree Fort junk: shark jaws and pelts from strange beasts from across the Land of Ooo and gauntlets and swords and maces and blades and a pillow.
“Hmm,” Finn said, looking at the tables. “Do you think we should be selling all these maces and clubs and swords? Shouldn’t there be, like, a waiting period or something?”
“Eh, who cares,” Jake said. “But you know what we should do? We should put out some hors d’oeuvres. Class this thing up. Get people in the spending mood.”
“And look at that,” Finn said, pointing at folks coming over the hill. “Here they come now.”
“Oh man, now I gotta rush on the hors d’oeuvres!” Jake said, sprinting inside.
They came from all over the Land of Ooo. There was Princess Bubblegum and Snorlock (who was now with his female snail companion) and Tree Trunks and Susan Strong and Peppermint Butler and a whole ton of other dudes!
Princess Bubblegum was browsing one table when she came across the flask that once held her Decorpsinator Serum. “Finn!” she exclaimed. “You’re selling this? How could you?”