The Lois Wilson Story

by William G Borchert

  Bill chaired AA’s first General Service Conference in New York in April of 1951. At the close of the two-day event, Lois invited the wives of the member delegates for lunch at Stepping Stones along with a number of local Family Group members Anne had gathered together. More than three dozen came. All but two or three of the delegate wives said they attended gatherings of alcoholic families in their hometowns and that almost every one was conducted differently, with no established format. By the time the ladies departed, Lois and Anne had a growing list of Family Groups nationwide. Many other Family Group names were given to them by Ruth Hock from her files at the Vesey Street central office of AA. They wound up with eighty-seven contacts in all. Some of the delegate wives invited Lois and Anne to visit their groups to see how the meetings were conducted. They accepted their invitations. As Lois and Anne traveled by train, bus, and car, they soon found that most of the wives they met desperately wanted a program to live by, one that could help them better understand the disease of alcoholism and what they might do to improve their own lives and the lives of their children.

  Upon their return in early May, Lois set up the first Family Group service office on the second floor of Stepping Stones and rented a post office box, number 1475. She acted as the temporary chairperson and Anne as secretary, since she knew how to type and had her own typewriter. They sent off letters to the eighty-seven groups, expressing the resolve of many they had met that the Family Groups should be unified under one organizational umbrella with one program for all its members. The letter asked for approval to use AA’s Twelve Steps for the program and that the currently amorphous organization be called AA Family Groups. The letter also suggested adoption of AA’s policy of anonymity—the use of first names only on the public level.

  In less than three weeks, forty-eight groups responded and an overwhelming proportion of them voted in favor of adopting AA’s Twelve Steps as their “Guide for Living.” As for a name, there was little consensus. Suggestions ranged from “AA Helpmates” to “Triple A” and from “First Step AA” to “Non AA.” It was a Family Group in California that suggested the name “Al-Anon,” a contraction of the words “Alcoholics Anonymous.” Lois and Anne extended it to “Al-Anon Family Groups” and the name was adopted unanimously. Al-Anon had now “officially” been born.16

  By July of that year, only three months after the AA General Service Conference, the number of groups registered at the Stepping Stones service office had risen to one hundred and forty five. Leading among the states were New York with twenty—many of them offshoots of Lois’s original “kitchen group”—California with sixteen, and Texas with thirteen. However, thirty-nine states were represented and, in addition to eleven groups flourishing in Canada, others were registered from as far away as Australia and South Africa. And they all had questions and requests for information starting from how to conduct their meetings to the need for a better understanding of how the Twelve Steps should be taken and put into their lives.

  Lois quickly recognized the need for literature as a helpful Al-Anon tool. So Lois and Anne wrote a pamphlet, Purposes and Suggestions for Al-Anon Family Groups, which included the primary principle she and Annie Smith had always talked about—focus on oneself rather than the alcoholic. She went on to say in that first simple publication, “To insure the success of the Family Groups, there should be no gossip, no complaints about the alcoholic’s faults at meetings. Newcomers can quickly make friends with older members with whom they will invariably feel free to discuss their personal difficulties privately.”17

  From the outset, Lois and Anne funded their small service office out of their own pocketbooks. But they knew that should the Fellowship begin to grow and with it the expenditures for phone calls, literature, and mailings, they would be needing additional funds—hopefully voluntary contributions. But just how would they go about asking for them?18

  Then spontaneously, but hardly by coincidence, contributions began to trickle in from grateful members. According to Lois’s detailed records, the first one came in on June 22, 1951, from a Sam K. of Lynn, Massachusetts. It was a check for ten dollars. Then others started flowing in, from Syracuse, New York; Montgomery, Alabama; and Yankton, South Dakota. Before long, the cramped office on the second floor of Stepping Stones was out of the red and in need of larger quarters. More space was certainly necessary if Lois and Anne and their growing number of volunteers were to keep abreast of the constant deluge of phone calls, correspondence, and requests for information and literature. The Al-Anon movement was coming together, and Lois wanted to be sure it spoke and acted with one mind and one voice.

  When word got out that the recently organized Fellowship of Al-Anon was looking for a new headquarters office in a more central location, Lois received a call from the New York AA group that managed the old Twenty-fourth Street Clubhouse. They offered her the upstairs room she and Bill once used as a parlor. It now served as a recreation room for members at night, but Al-Anon, she was told, could use it as an office during the day. There was even a closet where they could lock away any valuables.

  Lois smiled at the irony of being invited back to a place that held some rather unpleasant memories for her. But then, it had been a roof over their heads and an office where Bill continued his work of building AA. Then she smiled again when she realized it was the last place they lived “on the road” before entering the paradise of Stepping Stones—and for that she would be forever grateful.19

  So, after thinking it over and learning the rent would be very low, Lois and Anne decided to make the move. They packed up the typewriter, a two-drawer filing cabinet, several boxes of stationery, and the little black book in which they kept the Fellowship’s financial accounts, loaded it all in Anne’s car, and headed down to New York City, where a small band of volunteers awaited their arrival. It was January 9, 1952, and Al-Anon had a new home.

  “We could feel the excitement of all that was happening,” Lois once shared with a close friend, “the sense that Al-Anon was beginning to reach out and touch many, many people across the country, and we were part of it. While our new headquarters would only be one room at the old clubhouse, it symbolized for us the growth that was taking place.”20

  Because of all the correspondence and literature moving in and out of the office, the cofounders decided to call it the Al-Anon Clearing House. More than two hundred Family Groups were registered by now, so any and all volunteers were welcome to handle the workload.

  Since the vast majority of Al-Anon members at that time were women, so were the volunteers. And they came from all over. Irma F., Dot L., and Sue L. from Westchester were the first. They were joined by Mag V., Eleanor A., and Jean B. from New Jersey and Evelyn C., Vi F., and Henrietta S. from Long Island. And as the overhead, the cost of mailings, and other expenses rose, the tiny band asked the growing number of groups to voluntarily support the Clearing House by donating one dollar per member semiannually. The contributions from grateful members surpassed the request.

  Fifty years ago there was very little known about the disease of alcoholism, so many wanted to understand how they could tell if their spouse was an alcoholic or merely a heavy, willful drinker. One of the questions Lois was often asked, both over the phone and in letters, was, “How can I tell if my husband is a real alcoholic?”21 Initially, even though she still bore the disappointment of not writing the chapter herself in AA’s Big Book titled “To Wives,” she urged her inquirers to read it. At times when the pleas seemed urgent or she sensed someone could not afford to purchase a Big Book, she sent them mimeographed copies of the two pages most pertinent to the subject at hand. They read:

  The problem with which you struggle usually falls within one of four categories:

  One:Your husband may be only a heavy drinker. His drinking may be constant or it may be heavy only on certain occasions. Perhaps he spends too much money for liquor. It may be slowing him up mentally and physically, but
he does not see it. Sometimes he is a source of embarrassment to you and his friends. He is positive he can handle his liquor, that it does him no harm, that drinking is necessary in his business. He would probably be insulted if he were called an alcoholic. This world is full of people like him. Some will moderate or stop altogether, and some will not. Of those who keep on, a good number will become true alcoholics after a while.

  Two:Your husband is showing lack of control, for he is unable to stay on the water wagon even when he wants to. He often gets entirely out of hand when drinking. He admits this is true, but is positive that he will do better. He has begun to try, with or without your cooperation, various means of moderating or staying dry. Maybe he is beginning to lose his friends. His business may suffer somewhat. He is worried at times, and is becoming aware that he cannot drink like other people. He sometimes drinks in the morning and through the day also, to hold his nervousness in check. He is remorseful after serious drinking bouts and tells you he wants to stop. But when he gets over the spree, he begins to think once more how he can drink moderately next time. We think this person is in danger. These are the earmarks of a real alcoholic. Perhaps he can still tend to business fairly well. He has by no means ruined everything. As we say among ourselves, “He wants to want to stop.”

  Three: This husband has gone much further than husband number two. Though once like number two he became worse. His friends have slipped away, his home is a near-wreck and he cannot hold a position. Maybe the doctor has been called in, and the weary round of sanitariums and hospitals has begun. He admits he cannot drink like other people, but does not see why. He clings to the notion that he will yet find a way to do so. He may have come to the point where he desperately wants to stop but cannot. His case presents additional questions which we shall try to answer for you. You can be quite hopeful of a situation like this.

  Four: You may have a husband of whom you completely despair. He has been placed in one institution after another. He is violent, or appears definitely insane when drunk. Sometimes he drinks on the way home from the hospital. Perhaps he has had delirium tremens. Doctors may shake their heads and advise you to have him committed. Maybe you have already been obliged to put him away. This picture may not be as dark as it looks. Many of our husbands were just as far gone. Yet they got well.22

  While this chapter in the Big Book went on to offer some general suggestions to wives on handling their particular situations, Lois and Anne both felt, based upon their own personal experiences, that most of these women needed much more specific advice and guidance. So they put together another pamphlet, So You Love an Alcoholic, adapted from a leaflet from the Texas Commission on Alcoholism. It offered suggestions such as “Detaching with love” and “Say what you mean and mean what you say.” It pointed out that even when one tried to live by the principles of Al-Anon, coping with alcoholic behavior could often make one seethe with anger and resentment. The cofounders emphasized that while such emotions rarely affected the inebriate, they did considerable mental and physical harm to the spouse. So, they added, one must learn to work on and eliminate such rage whenever possible, for one’s own sake.

  As more questions, comments, and suggestions poured into the Clearing House, along with notes from members sharing their own personal stories, Lois decided a monthly newsletter would be the best way to communicate regularly with the rapidly expanding movement, which, by the end of 1953, exceeded five hundred groups.

  A typical day found Anne busy typing at her desk, other women sorting the mail or packaging literature at tables lining the one-room office, and Lois seated in a corner by herself with a yellow pad in her lap, drafting another issue. It would contain responses to inquiries, news about Family Group happenings, and edited versions of the personal experiences sent in by members. This Family Group Newsletter eventually became Al-Anon’s magazine, The Forum, which today disseminates information and sharings to thousands of groups worldwide.

  In 1952, many of these groups still adhered to some of their old ways of doing things. Some, for example, refused to allow men or children at meetings. Others felt Al-Anon was strictly for spouses and no other relatives. And still others brought religion, psychiatry, medicine, and politics into their discussions, which often drove other members away.

  Recognizing the problems and the need for unity, Lois decided to do exactly what her husband had done to solve similar situations in Alcoholics Anonymous. He had put together a list of suggested principles for all AA groups to follow called “The Twelve Traditions.” While it took some time, they were finally approved by the membership and created the strong unity in the Fellowship that exists to this day.

  Lois consulted closely with Anne and some of their trusted volunteers before penning a specific list of principles, which was then sent out to all Family Groups for their consideration. Most members responded positively. Over time and after some minor squabbling and nitpicking by some of the older groups, Al-Anon’s Twelve Traditions were finally and unanimously approved. They read as follows:

  1. Our common welfare should come first; personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity.

  2. For our group purpose there is but one authority—a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants—they do not govern.

  3. The relatives of alcoholics, when gathered together for mutual aid, may call themselves an Al-Anon Family Group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation. The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.

  4. Each group should be autonomous, except in matters affecting another group or Al-Anon or AA as a whole.

  5. Each Al-Anon Family Group has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps of AA ourselves, by encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics.

  6. Our Family Groups ought never endorse, finance or lend our name to any outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary spiritual aim. Although a separate entity, we should always co-operate with Alcoholics Anonymous.

  7. Every group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

  8. Al-Anon Twelfth Step work should remain forever non-professional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

  9. Our groups, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

  10. The Al-Anon Family Groups have no opinion on outside issues; hence our name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

  11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, films, and TV. We need guard with special care the anonymity of all AA members.

  12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities.23

  Fortunately, the Al-Anon newsletter helped to communicate these principles on a constant basis and thus enabled the Traditions to foster unity throughout the Fellowship—at the local, national, and international level as well.

  One morning, while Lois was on the train from Bedford Hills into New York City, a picture jumped off the society page of the newspaper she was reading. It showed her old friend Elise Shaw’s youngest daughter coming out of St. John the Divine Church in Manhattan after marrying the son of wealthy New York socialites. She stared at the beautiful young bride as her mind tumbled back to her own wedding day when her then closest friend, Elise, was her maid of honor. Where had all the years gone? And what of those terribly divisive and confusing days that drove these two friends apart?

  Lois had put it all out of her mind. During the long and painful ordeal of Bill’s drinking and the perplexities that initia
lly followed his recovery, it had all been washed from her memory. It wasn’t until 1954, on that train ride to Manhattan, that Lois allowed herself to recall Elise’s painful revelation twenty-five years earlier.

  Now, as those remembrances flashed back, Lois thought it strange that her recollection of Elise helping to thwart her attempt to adopt a child no longer caused her pain. Sadness and disappointment, yes, but not the deep, bewildering anger and resentment that Lois had often used to fire up her old self-pity whenever she was running out of better excuses.

  Seeing that picture of Elise’s daughter may have prompted Lois to think about her own role in the hurtful break in their relationship. For Lois had to admit she never really tried to understand Elise’s reaction to Bill’s drinking. Only now, after all these years of suffering through it herself, did she finally realize how her husband’s drunken behavior must have brought back so many onerous memories of Elise’s childhood in an alcoholic home. Perhaps if they had talked more about it . . . although how could Elise possibly get through to someone who was in such denial? How many times did she attempt to discuss Bill’s growing problem only to be quickly and totally turned off, dismissed for even raising such an embarrassing subject? Lois had been absolutely closed-minded, even with a loving and caring friend. How it must have hurt Elise when she could do nothing to help.

  Lois had been trying her best for a long time to live according to AA’s Twelve Steps. Now here she was faced once again with Steps Eight and Nine.

  Eight: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

  Nine: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.24

  More than twenty years had passed. Certainly Lois was right in feeling that Elise had hurt her deeply, had taken away any chance she might have had to have a family of her own. But now she knew that raising a child under such conditions would have been wrong. She also knew she had harmed her best friend by her anger, her insensitivity, and her self-righteousness. It was time that she cleaned off her own side of the street. So she found Elise Shaw’s phone number, called, and made an appointment to have lunch with her in the city.