Anxious Love (Love Sick #1)

by Sydney Aaliyah Michelle

  Ryan got up and headed to the bathroom. I retreated to the kitchen and made us some coffee.

  I sat down at the dining room table and waited for him to return.

  If we were going to have a chance, he needed to hear it from me.

  My whole truth.

  Without a word, Ryan walked over, leaned down, and kissed me. It was a soft kiss, a peck we had exchanged hundreds if not thousands of times before. It felt comforting, but at the same time, like a warning.

  Maybe I was reading more into it, but when he sat across from me instead of next to me, as he would normally do, I knew I had it spot-on. He was ready to hear and deal with whatever I had to tell him.

  "Thank you for taking care of me last night."

  Ryan licked his lips, took a sip of his coffee, and set it back down on the table. He reached out and opened his hand. I loved his hands—how they touched me, his fingers long and thick. I wasn't sure if fingers had muscles, but his were strong. They could caress and crush depending on his motivation. I placed my hand on his. He rubbed the side of my hand with his thumb.

  Giving me the courage to tell my story how I needed to tell it.

  "What happened last night was the beginning of what my therapist would call a disassociated episode. When I find myself in a situation I deem uncomfortable, for lack of a better word, my body shuts down."

  "What does it feel like?"

  Oh, wow!

  Tears formed in my eyes. My emotions swelled up and threatened to crest and fall, but I needed to hold on to myself. His question was so perfect. So what I expected from him and I found comfort in that. Comfort in knowing he was the man I thought he was and he was going to always love me.

  Maybe all of this was wishful thinking, but it gave me the courage to continue.

  "It feels like the world is dulled around me. I can see shapes and movement but can't focus. My body feels heavy like someone is pushing me down to the ground. Some images and signs get through to me, but only the stuff I am comfortable with like Sophie's voice or"—I raised my chin—"when I look at you.

  "It's scarier when I try and resist it, but it's also necessary because if I ever give in to it completely, I might not get out of it again."

  Confusion gripped Ryan's features.

  "After Dana killed herself, I went to a dark place and my parents had me committed to a psychiatric hospital. They thought I would hurt myself."

  "How long were you there?"

  "Two months." I gnawed on my lip. "When I got out, the doctor and my parents thought I had a long road ahead of me, but they thought I was basically okay. They told my parents to limit my stress and give me time. I moved back home with them, but I didn't leave my room for days at a time, and I never left the house.

  "They wanted to commit me again, but I agreed to increase my therapy, and I took my meds, but at the time, they were only preventing me from falling further under. I wasn't getting better."

  "What do you mean by falling further under?"

  "It's… it hasn't happened since I left the hospital, but let's just say, I try and make sure I never get back to that state again."

  "How do you avoid it?"

  I sighed. I wanted him to understand, but I didn't have the words to communicate it.

  "While I was in the hospital, they taught me a bunch of coping techniques. I kind of go down this mental checklist. Removing myself from the situation. Getting back to familiar spaces. Hear the voice of someone familiar. That's why I called Sophie."

  He nodded, lowered his head, and frowned.

  "I take medication daily, but when things are good, I can reduce the dose. When it's particularly scary, I take something stronger.”

  He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Finally, he asked everything he wanted to know with one word.

  "Why?"

  "Dana." I cringed as she took her second shot of the night. "You had better slow down. This is going to be a long night."

  She giggled and blew out a tequila-filled breath. I got a contact high as we stood in the bathroom of our apartment side by side getting ready for tonight. It wasn't any different from any other night.

  "When's Michael get back?" Dana continued applying her mascara with less than steady hands. I leaned up against the counter.

  "He should be back tomorrow."

  My boyfriend, Michael, had a job interview in New York City. While I was happy for him, I had another year of school left, and he would be going to NYC without me. I encouraged him to go for it even though I didn't want him to leave me.

  "Did he say how the interview went?"

  "It went fabulously." I pulled my hair up and then let it fall. "Of course, it went fabulously. Everything Michael does is fabulous."

  Dana stared at my reflection over her mascara wand.

  "You know you don't have to be the picture of support all the time. If you don't want him to go, tell him not to go."

  "I can't do that. Besides, I do want him to go. You kidding? We get to spend New Year’s Eve and Spring Break on the East Coast. When I graduate, I can be one of those artistic hipsters in Brooklyn, sitting at coffee shops and writing all day."

  "Oh, so you have a plan."

  I stuck my tongue out at her and continued to get ready.

  "So do I look too slutty?" Dana asked as she pulled the black mini dress over her head and smoothed it down. She propped her boobs up just right so her cleavage would be on full display.

  "No, you look just slutty enough."

  "Perfect."

  I shook my head and followed her into the living room.

  "So Robert?"

  "Yes. What about him?" I knew what she was asking, but I wanted to make her say it. Robert was my boyfriend’s best friend and fraternity brother. We were heading to a party at the house. It was a random Tuesday type party. Nothing special. Only three hundred of the fraternity’s closest friends.

  "You think he likes me?"

  "Come on, Dana, we aren't in elementary school."

  "I know, but I'm not good at this like you. I hate rejection." She pulled on my arm and jumped up and down like a little girl having a tantrum. "Please, just find out for sure if he's interested, and I'll do the rest."

  I was reluctant for Dana to hook up with Robert because he was a notorious asshole to women. It took him effort to behave like a gentleman, but he tried around me because if he didn't, my boyfriend would kick his ass. "Okay, but do you want to date him or you want to hook up?"

  "Well, I could hook up, but if it turns into something more, that's cool, too."

  I wished Dana would read some of the romance novels I loved. She would see that turning the hookup into the love of your life was a plot twist that almost never worked.

  The party had spilled out onto the wraparound porch at the house. I walked around to the back greeting people I knew and a few people who knew me. I never liked being at the fraternity house without Michael. I felt like I was in another world without the proper credentials.

  "Hey, Leah."

  I turned right as David enveloped me in a bear hug. He lifted me up two feet.

  "David, put me down."

  "Aww, Leah, when you going to dump Michael and marry me?" He set me back down with his big meaty paws on my shoulder. I gave him a playful punch to his gut. I liked David. He had a little crush on me but treated me like his little sister. He was always looking out for me.

  "You seen Dana?" I asked.

  "Yeah, she said you have to come and dance with her."

  I looked over at the house into the window where the dance floor was set up. It was packed.

  "You know who she's dancing with, right?" David asks.

  "Robert?"

  "Didn't you warn her about him?"

  "I did. She didn't listen."

  "See, that's what happens when you're too rich and too good looking for your own good." He placed his arm around my shoulder and walked me back to the house. "Good thing I don't have that problem."

  We
stopped before entering, and I pulled David off to the side. "David, if I did something, do you promise not to get the wrong idea or tell my boyfriend?"

  "I promise." He narrowed his eyes.

  I walked up to the top step, leaned over, and kissed David. His round lips parted in surprise, and I kissed him again. Before my display of friendly affection got out of hand, I leaned in and gave him a hug. "You do have that problem. You just don't know it."

  He patted me on my back, and I let go and snaked my way through the house to find Dana.

  When I found her, she handed me a shot, and I took it while she poured another for herself. Robert was glued to her, his hips grinding into her ass. His arms wrapped around her waist.

  "Damn, Robert. Buy her dinner first."

  "You're just jealous, Leah," he said as he reached out and squeezed my ass. I pushed his hand away and rolled my eyes. I hated his cocky attitude.

  "Oh, I know how you like it, Leah," he said and chuckled.

  I stared at him through narrowed eyes. He winked and pulled Dana closer.

  "Yeah, I so want your hands all over me," I said with fake enthusiasm.

  He stuck out his tongue and wiggled it at me. I cringed and turned away.

  "Hey, let's dance." Dana interrupted our banter and pulled both of us on the dance floor. We made it to the other side of the room. The house had a VIP area underneath the loft that ran the length of the back of the house. It was the place where the frat guys took girls to make out. I had never been back here without Michael. I didn't think he would want me back here without him, but Dana refused to let go of my hand.

  As we moved to the blaring music, I pulled Dana close.

  "You sure you want to hook up with him?" I asked in her ear.

  "Yeah. I like him." She looked over and winked at Robert. He walked over to us.

  "Ouch." Dana yelped and flinched forward.

  Robert reached behind me, ran his hand down my back, and patted me on the ass. I pushed his hand away and turned back to the crowd.

  He pushed Dana over to the wall and kissed her neck. I peeked back a couple of times but felt like a perv, so I averted my eyes.

  One of my boyfriend’s brothers, Malcolm, came into the VIP area; he gave me a kiss on the cheek and headed further into the crowd. I looked back and saw him go over to Dana and Robert. I couldn't see her with the two guys crowding her, but I figured she was okay. I would hear her if she weren't.

  As the music changed, I heard a whimper and my head whipped around.

  Dana was pinned between them. Robert's hand was up her dress, and he was kissing her neck. Malcolm mauled her breast while sticking his tongue down her throat to quiet her muffled protest. I stepped closer and saw someone behind them. He was unzipping his pants as he and Robert switched places. I caught a glimpse of my friend’s tear-stained face, and my chest tightened. Even though I was only a few feet away from her, it felt like it took me an hour to get to her. Time enough for Robert to turn and grasp me around the waist.

  He pushed me up against the wall.

  "Whoa, Leah, hold on a second. Your hot little friend is fine. She's just paying off a bet."

  I pushed against him, but he had my arms pinned to my side, and his hip pressed into mine. He held me tight against the wall.

  "Robert. What're you doing?"

  "Come on, Leah. You said she wanted me." He leered and rubbed his cock on my hip. "I know you wanted me, too. You're just too scared to do anything about it. Well, if you want, watch your friend have all the fun."

  Robert turned me around and knocked my head into the wall. I saw a bright light flash and my head hurt. He pushed me closer to where his frat brother was raping Dana. Tears ran down her face, but he had his hand over her mouth as he pounded into her.

  It broke my heart to watch her. I tried to turn away.

  "No. It's just about to get good." He shoved my head into the wall. The white light flashed brighter. I felt something thick and warm running down my temple. The pain grew worse as my eyes struggled to focus on something... anything.

  He removed his hand from her mouth, and Dana tried to scream, but no words came out. The music was so loud, and it was dark.

  I reached out and touched her arm, but the guy turned her around and bent her over a chair. I tried to turn and push Robert off me. I had to save my friend.

  I pushed back and gasped when Robert's hand found its way under my dress. He groped me inside my panties, running his fingers inside me and palming my core.

  "God, you're so wet. See, I knew you wanted me."

  I tried to scream, but nothing came out. My head hurt, and my body ached, and my heart was beating erratically.

  My body went limp, and the world around me grew fuzzy and quiet.

  I felt myself falling, and I waited for the hard thud, actually welcomed the pain that would come when my body hit the ground, but it never did.

  I heard a muffled argument around me and my insides burned where Robert touched me.

  I had the sensation of being lifted and my body floating through the crowd. Before the world went completely dark, I caught one more glimpse of Dana's hands trying to fight as another guy, I didn't recognize, pushed himself into her.

  "The next thing I remember, I woke up in the hospital."

  "Geez, Leah." He'd dropped my hand well before the end of the story. Although the story didn't end there.

  I stood up and went to the kitchen. I needed a bit of distance to continue. While Ryan was taking the news as well as could be expected, it wasn't what I expected, if that made sense.

  I knew I couldn't create someone’s reactions; as much as I wanted to think he would show me love and compassion, his expression showed disgust and pity. I leaned on the counter.

  "My parents and Michael arrived a few hours later. I had been out of it for over twelve hours. No one was sure what happened to me because I was left in the waiting room. I didn't know who brought me to the hospital until the hospital security showed me the photo of David carrying me in and dropping me off. When the police questioned him, he said he found me passed out on the front porch of the fraternity house and didn't want to get his fraternity in trouble because of the party, so he brought me to the hospital and took off.”

  "They look into it further?"

  "Not at first, but the next day, my roommate texted me. I was surprised; it had been three days since I was left at the hospital, and she hadn't called or visited. She said she needed to see me but asked me to text her when I was alone. I asked her what happened that night, but she didn't answer.

  "When she walked in, I knew something bad had happened to her. She was such a beautiful girl." I smiled thinking about my friend when we meet. "She was from Alabama and a true Southern Belle, with the accent and everything. When she walked in, I stared at her. She hadn't slept or showered in three days. Her hair was pulled up and a mess. She wore baggy jeans and a sweatshirt and she keep her hands in the sweatshirt pocket. Her eyes darted around. I asked her to sit down on the bed next to me. She stared back.

  "You okay?" she asked.

  I nodded. I was afraid to ask her the same questions. Clearly, she wasn't.

  "What happened to you?" she asked.

  "I don't know. I don't remember anything before two nights ago. The last thing I remember was the two of us heading to the frat house and then it's all blank."

  Tears sprang to her eyes and she backed up. As soon as she hit the wall, she shuddered and turned around as if someone was behind her. She turned back to me.

  "You don't remember?" she asked.

  "Dana, what happened to you?"

  She hugged herself, the tears streaming down her cheeks. I stood up and walked over to her. I pulled her into a hug.

  She relaxed into my body, but then pushed me away. "You have to remember."

  "What?"

  "You have to. They raped me. All of them. Please," she pleaded. "Please tell me you remember."

  "Oh, my God. Dana. Who?" I reached for h
er sleeve and pulled her over to the bed. "Who raped you?"

  "Robert?" She said it like a question. I searched her face. "Malcolm and Jacob."

  "No," I said, but not as a denial. It was a statement of astonishment.

  "You were there. You watched. They made you watch."

  It was my turn to recoil. I stood up and backed away from her. No way had I witnessed something like that and not remembered.

  I shook my head, and she reached out for me. She grabbed the front of my hospital gown. I tried to push her away, but she was taller and stronger and pissed off.

  "You have to remember. If you don't, they are going to get away with it."

  "No, I don't remember. I'm sorry."

  "They were going to do the same to you."

  I pushed her away with all my might. By that time, the nurse had heard the argument and came running into my room.

  "Leah, are you okay?"

  "Please, you have to remember."

  "Young lady, I think you need to leave," the nurse said.

  My roommate broke down in tears. She stared at me as she walked out holding herself. When she was gone, the nurse turned to me. "Are you okay?"

  "I don't know," I whispered as I crawled back into bed. Whether what she said was true or not, something had happened to her, and I didn't feel right about her leaving. "Can you go make sure she is okay? I think she needs help."

  "Sure." The nurse headed out the door. "Try and get some sleep."

  Ryan stood up and leaned across the island that separates the kitchen from the dining as if he wanted to be close to me, but still give me my space. I lean over from the other side, not touching, but close enough to feel his energy

  "That night, I had a nightmare about what she said. It was so vivid, the detail. I felt what she would have gone through. When I woke up, I ran to the bathroom and threw up to the point of dry heaving. I couldn't stop shaking. When my parents came in, later that morning, I knew something was wrong. They told me Dana had taken some pills and killed herself in our dorm room.

  Ryan reached out and whipped a tear off my face. I bit my lip, stood up and whipped my face with the back of my hand.