Witch Out of Luck

by J Thompson

  Grundlepus huffed and sat back in his seat. His mouth squeezed shut but his tail fluffed up like he had been electrocuted.

  “Okay, Bas, welcome to the group. As we are all familiars of the Moonchild witches, I think we should swap notes and information to better help them. BELLEND.” Binky's voice was calm and collected until that last part. As “bellend” was shouted, they felt the room start to shake. It lasted only mere seconds before it was gone. Anyone outside probably wouldn't have felt it, but they were familiars. They were sensitive to the magics of the world.

  “What the hell was that?” Grundlepus dived under the table, his paws over his head.

  Bas sat still and waited, his small arms folded across his chest. “Thanks for the welcome. I think to swap notes is a good idea, but I do have something to tell you.” It was then that Bas jumped onto the table and started to pace.

  “Izzy, with the help of yours truly, before we appeared here, had just found and retrieved an object that could potentially cause the apocalypse.”

  “What?” Grundlepus shouted from under the table.

  “Fuck a duck,” Binky shouted, and joined Bas on the table to pace. “So, what would make this item go bang?” Binky asked.

  “I'm not sure, but I'm assuming you don't have earthquakes here very often, so I'm guessing that was a reaction of the calendar.”

  Grundlepus, deciding it was now safe to come out, also jumped on the table and joined in the pacing. For anyone looking in they would think the three were doing some sort of strange table dance. “You brought a paranormal calendar to the Gate? Are you stupid?” the cat snapped.

  “Listen, you jumped up ginger arse, I am not stupid. We were supposed to head back to the coven, to hand it over to them, before we ventured to this shit hole. Do not blame me.”

  “Ginger? Shithole?” Grundlepus’s eyes went wide. He bared his fangs, and a hiss left his mouth before he pounced, claws aiming for Bas.

  “Ahh shit. BOLLOCKS,” Binky sighed, and watched as the two familiars rolled around on the tabletop beating the crap out of each other. There was fur flying all over the place and the only thing Binky could think to say was, “Don’t get blood on the furniture. WANKER.”

  The cavern trembled slightly, making Maeve and Arietta look up at the ceiling. It made Dave dive back down into the pool and Will and Ethan look up from whatever they were looking at on the computer.

  “What was that?” Maeve asked, and everyone shrugged. It passed so quickly no one seemed alarmed.

  “So, where's Isabeau?” Will asked with a smirk.

  “Why?” Maeve asked, her eyes narrowing. “What have you done?”

  “Why do you think I’ve done anything, my love?” he said smoothly, as he walked over to the love of his life and picked her up in his arms.

  “Don't think you can charm me. I know you've done something ‘cause you have that smirk.”

  “Yeah, the same smirk Ethan is rocking right now,” Arietta joined in, and both of the boys lost their smiles.

  “Out with it,” Maeve demanded.

  “Fine. We've been speaking to Brutas, and he likes Isabeau, so we gave him some tips,” Will admitted and kissed Maeve's nose.

  “Yeah, he thinks she’s his mate,” Ethan blurted out.

  “Oh,” Maeve answered.

  “Oh,” Arietta mimicked, then they both grinned. “That’s good then,” Arietta continued.

  “Our Izzy seems to like him too.”

  “No way,” the boys answered, before they all started to laugh, only their laughs died when, through the doorway of the cavern, strode the couple in question.

  Brutas had a look on his face that spoke of pride, and in his hand was Isabeau’s.

  “Hi, Brutas. Hi, Izzy,” Maeve said, trying her best not to giggle.

  “Hey, Maeve. Hey, Arietta,” Isabeau answered, but her face had gone bright red as she blushed.

  “Right, guys, let's head upstairs. We need to start on the food,” Maeve stated and shooed everyone out.

  “Food will be about an hour, Isabeau, alright?” Maeve stated as they made it to the doorway.

  “Thanks, Maeve,” Isabeau answered. Brutas had stopped to watch the others pass.

  The couples ran up the stairs, careful to keep their giggles to a minimum.

  “Oh gosh, did you see how proud Brutas was?” Arietta cooed. “They make such a cute couple.”

  “I remember when you took me to the cavern for the first time, Maeve,” Will stated and waggled his eyebrows.

  “Ha, of course you do, you perv!” she replied, but all four shared a knowing look before they turned for the kitchen.

  10

  Baba Yaga was back on her swing, swinging to and fro as she watched the residents of Kracken’s Hole bustle about, doing their thing. Slight regret filled her. Everything that had happened to the Moonchild girls had been foretold and predicted. It also meant that for the newest member, things were not going to be easy.

  But that was the way for the guardians. They had to be tested, and as the most experienced witch of the three, her test would be the hardest.

  And Baba hated it. She hated the fact she couldn't interfere. Yes, she hadn't wanted babysitting duty any more than she had wanted a fart in a space suit. But she had come to care for the girls. They were her godchildren, after all. Even though that had been done after a shady night of drinking and she couldn't exactly remember what she lost to get the job.

  Baba shrugged.

  It was done, and now she had to watch as those she had come to care about went through one of the most dangerous times of their lives, only they didn't know it. Isabeau had done her part by bringing the damn calendar to the Gate. It was why she had pushed her portal towards Kracken’s Hole and not her coven. Besides, the girl deserved more than that stuck up bunch of pussies at the Ambustio Coven. They had zero experience with fun, and that girl needed fun.

  “Oh, there he is. Be still my beating heart.” Baba sighed as her crush sauntered and limped out of the pub. Blackbeard had plagued her thoughts since she had seen him bend over backwards whilst playing naked Twister. What woman could resist a flexible, well-hung pirate?

  She sighed and then looked towards the cliffs, where the witches now resided. That tinge of regret showed up again. She didn't like it, and if it took ogling Blackbeard’s arse to deal with it, then that was a sacrifice she was willing to make. She tilted her head. How did he feel about glitter, she wondered. It would look amazing in his beard.

  Thoughts of glitter had Baba turning away, but not before she smiled. Her girls had things in the bag. They were, after all, Moonchild girls.

  And Moonchild’s kicked arse.

  Isabeau was nervous as they entered the cavern. She hadn't been down there since they had first arrived in Kracken’s Hole, so she had never had time to look about. This time, though, she did look, releasing Brutas’s hand to look up at the ceiling, loving the crystals that sparkled in the light. The space was huge, easily bigger than her old coven’s home.

  The waters of what Maeve had called the Gate shimmered with a rainbow of colours. The cavern wasn't cold. Instead, heat could be seen rising from the pool even as a head popped up. Not any head, but a greyish blue one that reminded her of an octopus, only ten times larger.

  “Brother,” Brutas said, and pointed to the head. “Dave,” he stated, and waved her closer.

  So, this was a kracken and what Brutas should look like. Small tentacles emerged from the water as Isabeau slowly moved closer. It was then that she realised Brutas had stepped down onto a submerged platform, ignoring the fact his feet were soaked. Taking the hand he held out for her, he helped her down and slowly led her to the large creature.

  “Hello, Dave,” she said, as a tentacle reached out and connected with her hand. Instead of being slimy and horrible, it was warm and smooth.

  “He says hi,” Brutas gruffly stated.

  “You can talk to him?” Isabeau asked, as she stroked the tentacle. She felt another one wr
ap around her ankle and panicked for a second, thinking he was going to drag her in. Instead, he just squeezed and released, almost like a cat when they purred.

  “Yes, here,” Brutas said, and tapped his temple.

  “Oh wow, that’s cool,” she answered, then swallowed. “Is this what you looked like?” she asked, her mouth going dry. As her eyes lifted to meet his, she noticed his had widened. He hadn't been aware she knew what he really was. “It’s okay, you know. I know you are a kracken.” She stepped closer, aware that Dave was now hanging on to her.

  “This not scare you?” he asked, and Isabeau could see the uncertainty within his gaze.

  “Not at all. Dave isn't scary, so why should you be?” she answered, and she spoke the truth. Dave wasn't scary, not at all, and she doubted Brutas was when in his natural form. Awe inspiring but not scary. She had seen scarier warlocks, bent on death and destruction. It wasn't the form that made the person, it was the soul.

  “I bigger,” he admitted, and smiled shyly. “Much bigger.”

  Isabeau smiled back. She bet he was bigger. He was a human tank, so she could well imagine how big he was in kracken form.

  “Dave likes you, says pretty.” Brutas pulled her closer, and she went willingly, even as a tentacle tugged on her ankle.

  “Thank you, Dave. I like you too,” she responded warmly and patted the tentacle on her wrist.

  “Can I…” Brutas started to say, before he cupped her cheek. She saw it in his eyes and didn't need to hear the words.

  Yes, she thought, kiss me again because your kisses are like a drug. Isabeau wanted to roll her eyes at herself. She had never been this wanton but Brutas brought out things in her she didn't know existed. The kiss immediately turned heated, and as she felt him wrap his arms around her and pull her into his body, she also heard water splashing. It was then she realised that Dave had released his hold of her and vanished back into the pool, leaving her alone with her kracken, who in the space of a day had changed her view on everything completely.

  11

  Bas circled the calendar, his tiny feet eating up the steps as he walked around and around it. He eyed it, as well as he could considering his right eye was swollen shut, and he did have a small limp. He would give it to the ginger tosser, he knew how to fight. Although the grunts of “this was not in the Queensberry rules” got a little tiresome.

  “Why is it vibrating?” Binky asked from the other side of the room. He was as far away as he could be and had a helmet on. Where the hell he got a helmet that fit him, he had no idea. A helmet, glasses, and he had a roll of bubble wrap on standby. Where had Bas been brought to? This place was crazy and then some. But the ginger twat and the boss-eyed pigeon were the least of his worries.

  “I haven't a clue,” Bas admitted.

  “Are we telling the girls?” Grundlepus asked from the chair, where he had his back leg raised and was cleaning his balls.

  “Do you have to do that now?” Bas snapped. It was a sight he didn't want to see ever, never mind in the midst of an approaching apocalypse.

  “Yes, I do. You got dirt and blood on me. I need to clean myself thoroughly or else I cannot focus,” Grundlepus answered, his posh accent back. When they were fighting, he could have sworn he heard a touch of Black Country.

  “And to answer your question,” Bas began, “I have not told the girls yet. They are still bonding and doing girly stuff.”

  “Ha, that’s what you think,” Binky snickered from the corner, as he started to wrap himself in the bubble wrap. “I saw your witch heading down to the cavern— hand in hand with a kracken. Or should I say tentacle. ARSE.”

  “What?” Bas stared at the bird, but it was the ginger that answered.

  “Definitely hand. He has no tentacles in human form.”

  “Ahh okay, wanted to get it right. My etiquette with krackens is lacking.”

  “Hang a fucking trout,” Bas shouted. “Where is Izzy?”

  “Boinking a Kracken,” Binky answered.

  “Looking to make a few waves,” the cat crooned, then snorted.

  “Hey, do you two think this is funny?” Bas rubbed a paw over his face. “She didn't come here to get—”

  “Jiggy with it?”

  “Get it on? Boom chicka wow wow,” Binky continued.

  “For fuck’s sake, is it always this mental here?” Bas asked no one in particular, and sat next to the calendar. It vibrated a touch more, so he leaned against it, using it to massage his back. If it was going to go boom, they were screwed anyway, so may as well make it useful.

  “Pretty much. Both Maeve and Arietta were getting some whilst shit was going down,” Binky admitted. “But as daft as it sounds, those girls need those men in their lives.”

  “But they have us,” Bas argued, though his voice didn't hold any conviction.

  “I know, but they need more,” Grundlepus stated and looked at Binky. “DO NOT SAY IT.”

  “Say what? More dick? BASTARD.”

  “What?” Bas answered.

  Binky and Grundlepus looked at each other.

  “What?” Binky asked.

  “Huh?” Grundlepus finished.

  “You know my full name is bastard, right?” Bas admitted and rubbed his back against the calendar.

  “Fuck off,” Binky shouted with a grin.

  “You are joking?” Grundlepus lowered his leg, and Bas was able to see the cat’s left eye was swollen from his own punches.

  “Nope, not in the slightest. Izzy named me when she was four years old. I'm still not sure where she heard that word from at that age, but it stuck.” Bas sighed and then moaned as the vibrating calendar hit a particular knot in his back.

  “Well, that’s different,” was all Binky said as he finished wrapping himself in bubble wrap. The only thing left was his helmet covered head.

  “You know you look like a bubble wrap penis, right?” Bas stated.

  “Whatever,” Binky answered.

  “Children.” Grundlepus went back to licking his balls and Bas sighed again. They would have to tell the girls soon. Especially with the way the calendar kept upping its vibration setting. But he also had to deal with the fact his witch was off shagging some human/kracken monster. Weren't there rules about that kind of thing?

  Bas was surprised when Grundlepus spoke, his voice quiet and serious.

  “Let her have this, Bas. All three of the girls have been alone, apart from us. They need the love that only a mate can deliver.”

  “You think the Kracken’s her mate? Why?” Bas questioned.

  “He wouldn't have pursued her if she wasn't. Brutas may not be aware of it, but krackens only have one mate, ever. From my research, I found that they have an internal compass that leads to their mates, only they don't know it. When they find them, it's instant. Boom. It’s affected Brutas because he's human. They usually have to swim around the world’s oceans searching for their mates, but Brutas has found his on land.”

  “But what about Isabeau? She's not a kracken. What if he's not her mate?” Bas was concerned. The last thing he wanted was for his witch to be heartbroken, or to piss off a kracken by telling him, ‘up yours’.

  “Would she have gone with him if she didn't like him?” Grundlepus asked. “Would she have kissed him?”

  “How do you know they kissed?” Bas snapped.

  “Her lips were all red and puffy and she had a very dreamy look on her face.” Grundlepus giggled then glared at Binky, who was now snoring in his bubble wrap fort. The sound vibrated from the bubble wrap and made loud, fart-like noises.

  “No, she wouldn't. Isabeau has kicked guys in the balls for less. She wouldn't go anywhere if she wasn’t invested,” Bas admitted and settled back against the calendar.

  “See, believe it or not, her fate and destiny is with that kracken, and you both belong here.” Grundlepus curled up on the chair.

  “What made you so smart?” Bas asked, impressed by the ginger twat.

  “Hanging out with a dumbass pig
eon will make anyone smart,” he replied and snorted.

  “WANKER,” was Binky’s reply, before the snoring started again.

  12

  Brutas couldn't get enough of Isabeau’s kisses. She tasted divine. Like those strawberries Maeve had brought back that one time. He wasn't a fan of fruit, but those he had liked, and seeing how his mate tasted of them, he would adore them from now on.

  He couldn't believe it. He had known the witch was special when she arrived and had been drawn to her from the get-go. But after tasting her and holding her in his arms, he was certain, completely and overwhelmingly certain, that she was his. The moment their mouths touched for the first time, he had felt something within him shift, like his heart had matched pace with hers. He felt like his soul had split and a part of it had become hers. He had never imagined anything like this. He had expected the obligatory swim around the globe in search of a mate. Never in his wildest dreams had he ever thought he would find his woman on land.

  “Brutas, what are you doing to the witch? Are you breathing for her? Can she not breathe?”

  Dave's voice sounded in his head and he wanted to growl. He knew his brother meant well, but he knew absolutely nothing of courtship or women. Hell, Brutas only knew a little and that was from watching Will and Ethan and listening to what they had told him.

  “Dave, I need you to go and do something, out of the way and out of earshot. I need to be alone with Isabeau.”

  “But why? Is she okay? I can help too. What do you need me to do?”

  “Dave! She's my mate. I want to claim her, and I can't do that with you watching and cheering from the background.”

  Silence reigned. It was unnerving and almost had Brutas ending the kiss to look into the water for his brother.

  “Mate? Wow, that’s cool. But, brother, she's human. How can you claim her? They don't have the same holes that we do.”