Seeing Double: An Elisabeth Reinhardt Novel

by Nancy Alexander

  As Samira roasted some meats over an open fire, she listened to the voices coming through the earbud and heard Sol say, “Okay, Bayan, let’s play out the options.” Aaronson did not want to impose a mission on someone if they were reluctant, so he outlined the options as he saw them.

  After pausing, Bayan said, “Let me tell you my impressions as to the potential success or failure of each option,” Bayan said thoughtfully. “I do not believe that I can or should remain with The Sword of Justice. My role here has been behind the scenes. I am not and have never been the charismatic leader nor am one to whom others turned for leadership. Al-Sierawan relied on me but the others barely tolerated me. They saw me as their enemy, always watching and guarding their leader from them.

  “His death has people running in every direction trying to find a way out of camp and back to their homes. This whole camp will be broken up in a matter of days and these people will disperse to their various homelands. There is no stopping them. Half of them are already gone and the other half are looking for ways out. The Sword of Justice fell when The Great One died. There is no role for me, or really for any substitute leader. It’s too late for that.”

  “Okay,” Sol replied, “Let’s move onto option two. What about returning to Syria and resuming your role as a government consultant? Your undercover work has awarded you quite a bit of credibility. You would return to a hero’s welcome.”

  “Those are valid points,” Bayan acknowledged, “However, in my absence certain opposing elements have gained strength. There are many who are envious of the esteem I have attained and others have moved into the power vacuum created by my absence.” Bayan sighed. “On a personal note, it is rumored that my wife of many years has taken up with a younger man and they are nowhere to be found. Then again, it is possible that my enemies started these rumors, or worse,” he added thoughtfully. “I have not been able to reach her. Not that I’ve tried awfully hard. As a matter of fact, it would be a relief to me if she were gone. Another most fascinating interest has recently presented herself.”

  “I see,” Sol replied calmly. “So you are ready to replace your wife already?”

  “Sol, if I can speak frankly, I feel ready to replace nearly everything for this woman. She is beyond my wildest imagination. She is everything I could ever dream for. Whatever options we can be considering, my feelings for this woman have to be considered as well.”

  “Well,” Sol said, “It seems that remote campsite of yours isn’t quite so remote after all. Where did you meet this enchanting creature, pray tell?”

  “She is here, Sol. She is a servant girl, but she is so much more than that,” Bayan added.

  “Well then you will consider her and her needs but first give me your thoughts about these possible assignments. In terms of the return to Syria option, do you know who these new enemies might be and can you subdue them?” Sol wanted to know.

  “Finding them should not present much difficulty. However, subduing or eliminating the threat they pose, now, that may be more of a challenge. Let’s put that in the distinct possibility column. What about Option Three?”

  “Well,” Sol paused, deciding how much to say, “I could offer you a return to Israel. You could join me in Kidon’s Emergency Readiness Division. The two questions are: Where are you most needed? And where do you most want to be?” Sol said. “If you were going to leave the world of covert operations, my friend, this would be a good time to do it. There is so much chaos and confusion, so much random violence that anything could happen and no one would be the wiser,” Sol added.

  “That’s true. Syria could spend weeks searching for me with no results,” Bayan sighed and then said “but, my friend, I do not think it is quite time for Zuhair Bayan to retire from the field.”

  - 46 -

  the windmills of your mind

  The twins stood shoulder to shoulder, hands on the thin railing watching the sunset over the fish farms near Menara. Bright pink and yellow rays peeped around the edges of the strata clouds spreading across the sky, glistening beauty to end the passing day. They were silent as they stood and watched, absorbing every minute as fully as any person could. They had many things on their minds. Chief among their thoughts were the final words Elisabeth Reinhardt had spoken before she left. “Let your feelings inform every step you take.”

  The phrase seemed significant. They would leave here in the morning to begin their journey toward healing, at least that’s what they hoped would happen. They trusted she would be a wise and patient guide and help them resolve their conflicts. A few weeks had passed since the death of The Great One and the dissolution of The Sword of Justice. Ishma’il Marzuq had been removed from office and was being tried in the High Court; things seemed a bit less hazardous in their part of the Middle East. Elisabeth Reinhardt, PhD seemed like their best option. Removed from the chain of command she was the essence of confidentiality. The twins had achieved a level of stability but they were far from their former, normal selves. Everyone thought living in Chicago for several months would be good for them. After what had happened at the camp, they had many issues to resolve.

  Rafi carried a burden of guilt as great as if he had done the actual deed. None of it, he reasoned, could have happened without him. Without the trust The Great One had in him, Ari would not have gotten close enough to perform the actual act. Rafi knew he had betrayed The Great One, as truly as if he had stuck in that needle himself. That weighed heavily on his spirit, creasing his handsome young face with lines of sadness.

  Ten days later, as he sat in her office, he spoke of these things. The anger he felt toward Ari was something he had never experienced before. His mind and heart were detached. He knew what happened was for the good of the world, for the good of humanity. He knew there had been no choice. The man, The Great One, was poison to the world. His plan of cataclysmic regeneration was truly the cataclysmic equivalent to the most destructive image ever seen in the Star Wars films. How could such a person be allowed to carry out his mission of hate and destruction? Clearly that could not happen. Yet the guilt and anger persisted. Rafi was tormented by what had happened. He hated feeling anger toward his twin whose main goal in stepping in for Rafi had been to shield him from endless torment. And still Rafi was scarred.

  He could admit that to her in this room so far from home. He could tell it to her. He could tell her things he could not tell his mother or his twin, although he realized that Ari already knew these things. That was one reason he remained so distant from him. The intrapsychic connection between them had always been beyond words so he assumed Ari knew everything already. However talking about it, confirming it would make it more real so futile though it was he resorted to mutism and isolation.

  Looking across the room at Elisabeth Reinhardt, as she sat calmly in an over-stuffed chair, he felt safe. She had a way of listening that went beyond hearing; it was more like absorbing. “I cannot get beyond this,” he had said. “I hate myself for feeling this way. It is wrong. It is sick and crazy. I’m a fool and an idiot.”

  “Rafi,” she had answered. “It is none of those things. You are none of those things. You will get beyond this, it will take some time but you will sort it out. You feel what you feel because of the circumstances you were placed in. You are not wrong or crazy. In carrying out your assignment, you essentially became a prisoner in that camp. You weren’t in chains but you were nonetheless held captive by the role you had to play. You were placed in a position where you had to bond with the man you were assigned to kill. You had to gain his trust in order to carry out your assignment but then you became dependent on him for your survival when you were threatened by Bayan. You became dependent on him to protect you from others in that camp who would destroy you. He was your protector and you became both his lost childhood friend and his hope for the future. His feelings about you mushroomed and you absorbed them. He, ‘the great and powerful leader’ worshipped you. He worshipped you! That’s got to evoke some powerful emotions in even t
he best trained agent. His admiration and love amplified the conflict between your mission and your relationship with him, the target of your mission. That is the very essence of a double bind. Does that make sense to you?”

  “Not exactly,” said Rafi. “If I understand the man had to die in order to preserve world civilization why am I angry with Ari? Why do I see the act as repugnant when I know it had to happen?”

  “Rafi, it’s your mind’s way of coping with your conflict. You focus those conflicting emotions on your brother because no matter how you rationally understand that the man, as the designer of the plan, had to die you still cared for him, the man you knew. You saw good things in him. He protected you, idealized you and loved you. All of that carries a high emotional charge.”

  “I suppose that makes sense. It felt like he truly loved me, the way he looked at me and talked to me. It was so intense and private. It was scary. What’s the matter with me? Why would I have been so vulnerable, so susceptible to something like that? I am not an orphan. I have many people who love me. I …. It feels like … I think it’s crazy. It makes me worry that… well it makes me worry …,” his empty words hung in the air.

  “Worry that…?” Elisabeth prompted.

  “It’s nothing, I mean… I just… worry.”

  “No Rafi, it isn’t nothing. It’s something. Something you are worried about. That makes it important.” She paused giving him time to think about it.

  “I…it…do you think…” he stopped and looked out the window at the building across the street.

  “You are having worries you never had before, is that right?” She asked.

  “Yes…” he nodded.

  “And these worries and conflicts are not specifically related to the assignment or the man’s role as leader of a terrorist organization is that right?” She asked.

  “Yes, this has nothing to do with any of that.” Rafi said

  Elisabeth nodded and said, “Are you wondering how you could feel so close to this man? Feel such loyalty to him? Is that part of your worry?”

  Rafi locked eyes with her but remained silent.

  She waited holding his gaze. After a few minutes she asked, “Is that part of your worry, Rafi?”

  He nodded.

  She waited.

  “I have not felt such things before. Not really felt… I mean… it’s not exactly… It makes me worry about myself. Do you understand what I mean?”

  “I think I do,” she said. “I think I understand what you mean and it makes sense to me that these feelings would come up for you because we human beings are a tangle of interconnected emotions and physical responses and cultural assumptions and biases.”

  Rafi stared at her in silence.

  “Shall I go on?” she asked

  He nodded.

  “When people are in vulnerable situations, prolonged life threatening situations, attachments are often formed with whomever offers safety, kindness and hope. You were in that situation and over the weeks of your assignment you spent a lot of time with Shukri al-Sierawan. You entered and lived in the world of your assumed identity, you became your role. And in that process this attachment developed. You not only sensed that he would rescue you from harm but he actually said it. He told you of the danger directly and you knew he was your only hope there in that camp where anything could happen in the blink of an eye. It is natural that he would become of vital importance to you, your lifeline if you will and because we humans cannot maintain a high level of anxiety continually your mind found a way to reduce your anxiety. Your attachment to him was how you coped with your terror and fear of death.”

  Rafi nodded, somberly absorbing her words.

  “From his end you became the childhood friend he lost through trauma, the answer to his guilt and grief. You became Roshan and you emerged as his protégé, his hope for the future. You were a ‘resurrection’ and a ‘future projection’ - two powerful transferences. And Rafi, that which is powerfully projected is also powerfully evocative. You needed him and he needed you. You worshipped him and he worshipped you. In effect it was mutual role reversal! That is an intoxicating combination. Do you see it?” She stopped talking and waited.

  Rafi nodded. “I do see it. I see all of that. It explains a lot. I couldn’t understand how and why I had suddenly become the center of this man’s life. Suddenly I was so important. I couldn’t understand it. It was like I was more important to him than anyone else. That made no sense, he just met me. My assignment was to be a member of this larger group, to blend in but suddenly I was in the center of it. And I was alone there. I was so alone.” Rafi bent over and rested his face in his hands. He sighed. He rubbed his hands through his hair and looked at Elisabeth with red- rimmed eyes. “I heard Moshe’s voice in my ear periodically, but that was it. So much had happened! Saroyah was held captive in a tent that was just a few feet away and I had no way to save her. It was horrible knowing she was a few feet away, frightened and vulnerable, and I her big cousin could not help her. I could not even let her know I was there. And I had no one to share any of this with. I should have been stronger. This should never have happened. I am well trained. I have been doing ops like this forever. What’s wrong with me that I let this get the better of me?” He balled up his fists as if to punch someone.

  “Okay, now wait a minute.” Elisabeth held up a hand to stop him. “Look how easily you slipped into self-blame. You seemed to understand the complexity of you situation until you brought up Saroyah and then snap.” She snapped her fingers to underscore the point. Just like that you slipped back into blaming yourself for another situation that was beyond your control to begin with. Resolving your dilemmas requires that you empathize with yourself. Rafi, do you understand why?” She asked leaning forward.

  “Not really,” Rafi replied.

  “Blaming yourself takes you out of your own place in the experience and puts you in an opposing role; the role of judge and jury. In order to heal you need to stay with your own experience not step out of your place and look in, as if from another person’s point of view. Does that make sense to you?” she asked.

  “I’m not sure,” Rafi said slowly, frowning, unconvinced.

  “Go back a few steps. Stay in your own feelings. You were alone with only Moshe’s voice in your ear. You were surrounded by people who thought you were a fellow follower, just like them, then suddenly you had this special place, you were elevated and the people disliked, resented or even hated you for that. You were a newcomer, unproven, an outsider. They had been followers of extremist regimes for whole lifetimes. They believed in Jihad. They were proven followers of this movement and then their leader the Great One seeks YOU out. Chooses you over them! In a culture where death and violence are everyday occurrences they could have killed you as easily as look at you.

  “As time passes, you became more special to him, he loves you; perhaps he is even in love with you. You don’t know how to handle it. You were not prepared to have this huge emotional charge directed toward you. Not only is it confusing but it escalates your risk because just like with Joseph and his brothers, favoritism creates resentment and jealousy. Is that right?” she asked.

  “I can see that. It was a double edged or quadruple edged sword,” Rafi said. “His attachment to me made me feel safer, but it also put me at greater risk, yet I could not back off from him. I had to maintain that connection for the sake of the mission and for my own sake. And then there are these feelings…” he stopped, thinking.

  She waited. “Then there are these feelings…” she prompted.

  He paused then began haltingly “If a person feels love and connected with another person…does that mean…. well I’m not sure… I mean… what if…. Do you think I’m gay?”

  “Have you had this thought before.” She asked

  “No, never.” Rafi answered

  “If this is your only indication of that then, probably not. If there are other reasons why you might think that then we should talk about those rea
sons,” she replied.

  “That’s what I’m confused about,” he interrupted, “there are no other reasons why I’d think that. I never ever thought those things before but I’m looking for answers and trying to understand what happened. The word love is tripping me up. This whole thing is crazy. I hate that man. I hate everything he stood for, everything he believed in. Before I started this mission I had nothing but contempt in my heart for him. He wanted to destroy everything I hold dear. He wanted to destroy the entire world! He’s crazy,” Rafi corrected himself, “I mean… was crazy. Real looney toons. But somehow, and here’s the disconnect, he was also nice and he loved me. I mean I think he really loved me.”

  Elisabeth smiled and corrected him, “Here’s the thing to remember Rafi. He loved the you he thought you were. He didn’t know you. He didn’t know the real you. He loved the role you were playing, he loved the character you had created. He loved the you that reminded him of his lost childhood friend. He loved the you he thought he was creating. It was all smoke and mirrors.”