Thrillobytes: bite-sized horror

by Iain Rob Wright

  Sugar - If someone in your group is consuming a lot of sugar then they are being controlled by some sort of insectoid parasite. Ask them to switch to sweeteners and if they try to tear your face off with their toes, you can be pretty sure that they are beyond saving.

  Slippery - If you are walking along in the dark and suddenly step in something slippery, you have just steeped in the bloody remains of your best friend. Best bet is to just keep on walkin', pardner.

  Slug/Snake/Scorpion - Anything in a horror film that spends its time crawling around on the floor needs to be stepped on immediately. To avoid these things, you should probably stay out of the jungle, unless you are looking for a rare flower that is the only hope of curing your dying wife.

  Satan - The Big Bad. Currently the head of Wal-Mart, Satan is a big believer in high-volume, low prices. He is also a grade 7 pianist and a fond lover of Opera. In a horror film he will try and rip your face of and paint the walls with your blood.

  Sand - Beaches are great, but if you ever find sand coming from 'above you' then you have been buried alive. Or you are in a sandstorm. Both are pretty bad so I'd suggest a nice lay down while you think about your life and how to save it.

  Stupid - In a horror movie, stupid = dead. Don't be stupid; take that college course. The more you know, the better you will do, but don't learn too much. The geek always dies in a horror movie.

  Skin - In a horror movie, people may be hiding things beneath their skin. To counter this, everyone in your group should slice their arms with a blade to show that they bleed real blood and that they are human.

  Slime - Stay away from Slime!

  Slimer - Stay away from Slimer! The little green bastard will get gunk all over you.

  Stream - A gentle stream can be relaxing and a good form of refreshment. However, if you discover that you have passed the same stream SIX FREAKIN TIMES, then you are in the Blair Witch Project and no one can help you.

  Stink - If something in that old abandoned house stinks then it is either a dead body or a crazy cat-lady. Just get out of there and go to Taco Bell instead.

  -T-

  Thailand - Don't get caught with drugs in Thailand - dear god, please don't! No one has heard from Joachim Phoenix ever since he went there with Vince Vaughn.

  Tether - A supernatural tether is a good thing as it keeps ancient spirits and demons dormant and harmless. This is why you shouldn't mess with anything in an ancient crypt or spooky castle. You break the tether you gonna pay for it.

  Treat Williams - Whatever happened to that guy?

  Tripwires - In a horror film, tripwires are handy for setting of bombs in the jungle to kill Predators, or for setting of lasers in evil gorillas start attacking your encampment in the Congo. They can also be used on doorways to trip up your friends. It's hilarious.

  Tranny - In a horror film, as in real life, a Tranny has the power to scare - and somewhat arouse - men to within an inch of their lives. If there's a tranny about, best that they are working with you than against you.

  Transylvania - Used to be a cool place for evil to hang out. Now Vegas is the place to be.

  Tits - Don't stare at tits for too long because they will distract you to the fact that the woman they belong to has just turned into a demon-bitch or vampire and will be planning on eating your head.

  Tarantula - There had never ever been a Tarantula in any horror film that has been good. If it's furry and has eight legs, then you should get in your car and drive over it, urinate on the remains before setting fire to them, then bury the ashes in a church yard. If you fail to do any of this then you invite folly upon your lives.

  Taxidermy - If someone invites you in and their house is full of stuffed animals, arm yourself with the nearest dead squirrel and prepare to defend yourself. Anyone that makes a table out of a Labrador is evil. If you find furniture made out of people parts then you are in the home of Ed Gein.

  -U-

  Unicycle - Anyone that drives to make an escape on a unicycle is asking for certain death. Roller-skates are a much better option.

  Uninvited - Anyone that turns up at your door uninvited is either a demon, a ghost of a previous owner, or a salesman. You should take a shotgun to any of them.

  Unearth - Don't unearth things in a horror movie. It's very bad.

  Undead - There are two types of undead: Vampires and zombie. There are many debates to which are cooler, but after the Twilight movies and True Blood, it was decided that zombies are the best.

  Unknown - We should not fear the unknown. We should fear things that we KNOW want to kill us.

  Ultra-absorbent Tampons - A great way to staunch blood flow, or avoid embarrassing incidents with the female apocalypse survivors in your group. They can also be used to make ear rings if this is absolutely necessary.

  -V-

  Virus - A virus in a horror movie will cause more than a common cold. It will cause throbbing ulcers and puss-filled boils that will result in your flesh peeling from your very bones. It may also cause zombie-itis or rage-asemia.

  Vixen - A female fox or a woman that will get you killed by leading you into a trap. The only way to resist their wiles is to be to not be a fox and to be gay.

  Venezuela - Does this country actually do anything?

  Vendetta - A killer-s vendetta will span generations and you might end up dead because of something your sweet old Grandma did. In a way a vendetta-killer is noble, which makes it a little bit sad when you are forced to lop his head off.

  Villain - The bad guy in a horror film. Your aim is to kill him in the last ten minutes. The more friends you have left alive at the end, the more horror movie survival points you get.

  Venom - Venom in a horror movie will melt your flesh from the inside out. If something bites you, pray that it was one of the female survivors being a bit randy. Anything else and you're a goner.

  Volume - If the volume on your TV is too loud, then you will miss the nasty monster creeping up behind you to steal your cheese poofs.

  -W-

  Wild West - As of late, the Wild West is a magnet for aliens and the word 'Vs'. It is also has its share of vampires and demons, but a high number of Injun Shaman keep them in check.

  Whisper - In a film you can whisper to your heart's content, only a few feet from the killer, and no one will hear you. You can plot elaborate plans with your friends, safe in the knowledge that you won't be detected.

  Wind - A howling wind on a mist-covered night will attract cliché-demons. These are the worst kind for they will torture you to death with their unoriginality.

  Witches - Ancient witches = evil. Modern witches = lesbians. Teenage witches = sexy.

  Wanker - If you are an Englishman in a horror film then you are expected to say this at least once. Bollocks is an acceptable substitute.

  Warlock - A male witch. Unless the warlock is Julian Sands, then there is little need to worry as a male witch is about as dangerous as a male nurse.

  Winter - Winter has 46% more horror movie situations than Summer. One would advise an extended foreign vacation during the cold months.

  Willy - A funny word for a penis. Ha!

  Wrinkles - Wrinkled old ladies will curse you. Wrinkled old men will give you advice. Wrinkly babies are cute.

  -X-

  X-Ray - In a horror movie, X-Rays will also discover that you have something nasty growing inside of you, or a metal device implanted by aliens. They can also be used to find things stuck up your bum.

  XXX - Porn in a horror movie will corrupt you into a seedy world of isolation and depravity. Masturbating on TV is banned anyway so what's the point?

  X-Factor - God this shower fits into the horror genre, don't you think?

  Xtreme - Anyone that spells the word like this is not.

  Xenomorph - This little beauty will eat your eyeballs with its 'little mouth'. Tasty!

  -Y-

  Yellow - Yellow stuff is bad. Yellow blood is either alien of full of pus. Eggs are also yellow and in a horror movi
e, eggs are bad. Yellow is also an expression for cowardice. Being a coward is not going to get you through a horror film.

  Yeti - The only known surviving yeti is currently living at Animal Kingdom in Orlando. He enjoys terrorising guests all day, but doesn't mean any harm really. His name is Eric.

  YouTube - The only things that will survive a nuclear war are cockroaches and YouTube, which will have recorded the entire thing.

  Yale Lock - In a horror film, locks do not work. The killer will get in no matter what, but at least you'll feel safer until then.

  -Z-

  Zoo - The zoo is full of dangerous animals. In a horror film what do you think is gonna happen? Stay away from the zoo, people.

  Zeus - If you see Zeus then don't ask him to recharge your iPod unless you want a lightning bolt up your ass.

  Zeal - All religious people that attain the rank of zealot will cause you all kinds of shit in a horror movie. Burn them on a cross, they will appreciate the irony.

  Zack - The original Black Ranger is freakin awesome and may just save your sorry ass in a horror movie, but only if it's rated PG. Anything more adult than that and he has to go to bed.

  Zoologists - Scientist in a horror movie are very helpful at giving you information about the blood-thirsty monster you just unearthed. Don't expect them to help you fight though; they're useless.

  THE FINAL WINTER

  -----

  Chapter One

  Harry sipped his latest beer while yet another news update flashed across the pub’s dusty television. A female reporter appeared onscreen, enveloped by an over-sized pink ski-jacket and covered in snow. “Good evening,” she said politely, a slight shiver in her voice. “I’m Jane Hamilton with Midland-UK News. As you can clearly see, the nineteen-inches of snow Britain has witnessed during the previous 24-hours has left the nation’s transportation network in disarray.” The camera panned to overlook a deserted motorway. A sky-blue transit van lay overturned and abandoned in its centre; its mystery cargo strewn across – and half-buried by – the snow.

  The reporter let out a breath that steamed the air and then continued. “Major roads have now been closed off and the nation’s rail links have been terminated until further notice. Schools are closed, along with nonessential businesses, while hospitals are doing their best to remain open. The current death toll of weather-related fatalities is now at twenty-seven and feared to rise. Emergency services have set up a helpline in order to assist anyone in serious need and to offer advice on how best to survive the current freezing temperatures. That number is being displayed at the bottom of the screen now.”

  Harry shook his head. How long they gonna keep this up? We get it, the weather’s bad! No need to tell us every ten minutes. Life’s depressing enough!

  “Even more concerning,” the television reporter continued, much to Harry’s displeasure, “is the fact that it is currently snowing throughout every nation of the world.” A multi-coloured map of the earth superimposed itself at the top right of the screen, then slowly turned white to represent the recent snowfall. “From barren deserts to areas of dense rainforest, all have been subjected to unprecedented snowfall, some for the first time in centuries. Never before in recorded history has such an event been known to occur. Certain religious leaders are calling this-”

  “Rubbish!” Old Graham, the most elderly regular of The Trumpet pub and lounge, threw his hands up in disgust and shouted in Harry’s direction. “Bloody fear mongers; that’s what they are. A little snow and the country trembles at the knees.”

  Harry lifted his head away from his half-finished pint and glanced over at the old man. He was pointing to the ancient, dust-covered television set mounted to the back wall by a pair of rusted brackets. Harry shrugged his shoulders. “Sorry, what?”

  Old Graham huffed. “More nonsense about a few snowflakes bringing the country to a standstill. Your generation can’t cope with anything unless there’s a video on that yourtube or myface to tell you about it!”

  Harry glanced at the television again. The weather was starting to affect the signal and the picture flickered and hissed constantly. The endless evening-news updates had shown locations from around the globe, half-buried by blankets of slush and snow: The Pyramids of Giza ice-capped like Himalayan Mountains, the canals of Venice frozen over like elaborate ice rinks, and Big Ben rising above a snow-covered Westminster like a giant stalagmite.

  Harry returned his gaze back to Old Graham. “I agree it’s a bit much, but the fact that it’s snowing everywhere is at least a little odd, don’t you think?”

  Old Graham huffed again, the sound wet and wheezy. “You think Canada or Switzerland are panicking about the weather? This is a heat wave to an Eskimo! All this climate-change, ozone-layer hogwash they’re harping on about is just to scare us, you mark my words, lad.”

  Harry thought about it for a moment. According to the news segments throughout the day it had been categorically denied that climate-change could cause such unprecedented weather. Whatever was causing the snow was something else entirely, said the scientists, if only a random occurrence. But, whatever the cause, Harry wasn’t about to allow himself to get rattled by media-frenzy and speculation. The freakish weather didn’t concern him – nothing ever did anymore – and he knew that if he got into a conversation with Old Graham about it he’d be stuck listening to the wrinkled codger’s piss-n-vinegar all night. It had happened enough times previously for Harry to learn about lonely pensioners and their penchant for long-windedness.

  Harry swallowed another mouthful of crisp lager and kept his attention on the flickering television screen, but, when he looked over again, Old Graham was still gawping at him. Harry sighed and decided to give in and talk to him. “Bet everything will be back to normal this time next week, huh, Graham?”

  “You bet your balls it will.” The old man sidled along the bar towards Harry, arthritic knees clicking with every step. “I’ve lived through worse times than this, lad!”

  Harry rolled his tired eyes. “Really?”

  “Yeah,” he said. “I used to be married.” With that, the old man howled with laughter until his worn vocal cords seized up in complaint, causing him to cough and hack yellow-green phlegm bubbles across the bar. “Best go shift the crap off me chest, lad,” were Old Graham’s parting words before tottering off toward the pub’s toilets.

  Harry shook his head and turned to face the opposite side of the bar. Steph, the pub’s only barmaid, was smiling at him while clutching a cardboard box full of MALT ‘N’ SALT crisps against her chest. She placed it down on the bar and pulled an old dishrag from the waistband of her jeans. She wiped down the area where Old Graham had coughed. “He bothering you again, Harry?”

  Harry ran a hand through his hair, threading his fingers through the knots and trying to neaten the scruffiness. He sighed. “He’s okay. Just had too much to drink.”

  Steph snorted. “You’re one to talk. What time did you get here today?”

  “Noon.”

  “Exactly, and it’s now…” She glanced at her watch. “Nine in the evening.”

  Harry smirked. “Yeah, but at least I have the decency to pass out when I’m drunk, instead of talking people’s heads off like Old Graham.”

  “I’ll give you that. Although, I’d like to remind you that you puked on my knee-highs last Sunday. I had to throw them out, and they were my favourite pair!”

  Harry stared down at the foamy liquid hissing away in his glass and, for a split-second, felt enough shame that he contemplated not drinking it and going home instead. He quickly let the guilt go and downed the last of the beer, dregs and all. He had enough regret in his life without adding to it. “I must have been a pathetic sight,” he admitted.

  Steph frowned. “You’re not pathetic, Harry. Just unlucky. Things will look up for you one day. You only turned thirty a couple months ago, right? Plenty of time to get back on your feet.” She stopped and looked over at the plate glass window of the pub. “As lo
ng as this dreadful snow doesn’t freeze us all to death first, you’ll be fine. Time heals all wounds.”

  Harry sighed. Steph knew about his past and sometimes it made him uncomfortable. “You really think so?” he asked her.

  “You better hope so, matey, because I’m not putting up with you puking on me every week. Doesn’t matter how handsome you are!”

  They both chuckled and Harry felt his mood lighten a little. It wasn’t often that he heard such things from a young woman nowadays. Not when he looked about ten years older than his actual age (he hadn’t been able to face a mirror in months so maybe now he looked even worse).

  He pushed his empty pint towards Steph and she refilled it diligently. The overflow from the glass slid down over the black heart tattoo on her wrist and made her pale skin wet and glistening. Suddenly, an unprompted desire to lick the beer from her young flesh found its way, unwelcomed, into Harry’s head. He chased the urge away with thoughts of his wife.