by Natasha West
‘You’re rubbing your tension spot’ Megan said.
Phoebe turned in surprise. She didn’t think anyone knew about that. ‘I’m fine.’
‘You used to rub it when your parents were arguing.’
‘It’s these two’ she said briskly, glancing in the back at two mouths hanging wide open. ‘It’s been like this for months.’
‘They’re just bickering.’
Phoebe shrugged. ‘I suppose.’
‘How are your parents, by the way?’ Megan asked, a thin smile on her lips.
Phoebe gave her a look but said ‘Divorced.’
‘Fuck me in the eye socket. Seriously?’ Megan said, genuinely shocked.
‘You can’t be surprised.’
Megan thought about it. ‘I guess I just thought they were that kind of couple that argued all the time but, you know, just… kept going.’
‘It’s for the best’ Phoebe said, looking out of the window.
‘If you say so.’
‘I wish they’d done it sooner. I wouldn’t have had to live with so much rowing.’
‘But you might have had to live with your Mum solo. Would that have been better?’
‘Rock and a hard place’ Phoebe said, dismissively.
‘How she’d take the news, by the way, Mama Fitz? That you weren’t sticking with classical?’
‘Not great. It was easier to tell her I was into women, quite honestly. But she doesn’t seem to mind so much anymore, now that I’m successful.’
Megan nodded and Phoebe decided as they were in the midst of another brief armistice, maybe she could ask a few things that she’d wondered about over the years.
‘How’s your Dad? Still with Kelly?’
‘Oh yes, Kelly’s hanging in there’ Megan said, bitterly.
‘You always used to talk about how you could kill her and get away with it’ Phoebe noted.
Megan sneered. ‘I’ve not given up on that plan. I still might slowly strangle her.’
‘You’ve added strangulation? Tougher to get away with, DNA all over the place.’
‘I’ve decided I don’t mind whether I get away with it anymore. My priority is now to watch the light go out of her eyes in person.’
‘Why, what’s she done?’
Megan paused. ‘Gave my Mum my address.’
Phoebe gasped. ‘You saw your Mum? When?’
‘Friday, just before I left for the festival.’
Phoebe’s eyes went wide. ‘Shit! Really?’
Megan laughed. ‘Still amazes me to hear you swear.’
Phoebe was about to ask for every gory detail of Megan’s visit from her Mum, when she remembered that she couldn’t. They weren’t eighteen any more. It was crazy how easy it had been to forget that for a minute.
An hour later, the car pulled into the hospital and Joe and Mack piled out, running for the entry, yelling ‘Thanks’ to Megan as they ran. Phoebe didn’t immediately move.
‘Not gonna go in?’
‘I can’t take those two anymore. I think I’m just gonna find a hotel. I’ll see the baby when I’m called.’
‘OK, give me an address and I’ll drop you off.’
‘Thanks, you don’t need to do that. There’s a cab rank right there’ she said, pointing at a building across the road.
‘Then go if you want. If it’s that difficult to spend any more time in my company.’
Phoebe was about to say, ‘It is, as it happens’ as an exit line and then jump out. She reached for the handle, that’s how close she came to the decision to bolt, to never see Megan again. And then she swerved her hand at the last moment, going for her phone. ‘OK, just give me a minute to find somewhere.’
Megan watched her look. ‘I like your bandmates’ she said, conversationally.
‘So do I’ Phoebe said without looking up from the phone. ‘Individually.’ She found a hotel and called up, getting a room.
All the while she was on the phone, Megan knew time was running out on her. In about ten minutes she was gonna drop Phoebe off somewhere and that would be it. Game over. If she was going to do something, she would have to do it now. Big guns time.
As Phoebe turned to Megan to give her the address of the nearby chain hotel, The Hotel Go-Tel, she stopped short. Megan was staring directly at her, a serious look in her eye. Phoebe had seen that look in the old days, but not often.
Megan took a deep breath. ‘Look, you’re right, I should have gotten in touch, tried to talk to you, fix it all. But I was angry too. You said you never wanted to see me again!’
Phoebe covered her face with her hands, exhausted. ‘No, Megan. This topic is done. Just start the car.’
‘No, it’s not. You know it’s not. That’s why you’re still angry. Because we were each other’s family when we were kids. When everyone else fucked me over, you never did. And I let you go. I’m angry at myself for that too, if you want to know.’
It had come out of nowhere, this sudden theme change. But it was that kind of night and Phoebe felt herself pulled back in all too easily. She gave a short, derisive laugh. ‘As if you cared. Something better had come up.’
‘It wasn’t better, Phoebe. It was never about that.’
‘What was it about, then?’ Phoebe said, staring at her feet.
‘It’s hard to explain.’
‘Then what are you doing here? Driving my bandmates hallway across the country?’
‘I don’t know, exactly. But I know one thing. Even when you were heckling me, I never wanted it to stop. Because I fucking missed you.’
Phoebe’s brow furrowed. She couldn’t look at Megan. She didn’t dare.
‘I wanted both things’ Megan continued. ‘I wanted to go and I wanted to stay. Didn’t you get that?’
Phoebe turned. ‘Yes! Of course, I did.’
‘Then why did you tell me you never wanted to see me again?’
‘Because you said all that horrible stuff about how I had everything and you had nothing. And you knew what it was like for me at home, how much pressure I was under, what my parents were like, all the rowing. But you still made me feel like I took something from you, when all I did was care about you.’
That gave Megan pause. Yes, she had said that. She’d always tried to remember around that fact but she couldn’t deny it now. She’d said things to Phoebe that were mean, untrue, shameful. And she’d said them because for a second, they’d seemed true. Or perhaps she’d just wanted them to be true, to make it all simpler.
‘That wasn’t right’ Megan said, shaking her head. ‘If I could take it back-’
‘But you can’t. You can’t take any of it back. Not the things you said, not dumping me after you’d made me fall for you-’
‘I was not dumping you’ Megan exploded. ‘I came this close to still following you to Manchester.’
Phoebe leaned back against the headrest, looking at the car’s roof. It had a dent in it. ‘But that wasn’t the decision you made, was it? Whether you considered coming or not. That stupid improv group was the choice you made.’
Megan folded her arms. ‘It might have seemed stupid to you, but… Well, yeah. It was stupid. But I got my start and that meant something to me.’
‘Then I’m glad for you. But don’t think you can just walk back into my life and get the thing you sacrificed before, now you’ve got your career.’
Megan swallowed. ‘I never said I was trying to get you.’
‘I didn’t mean it like that’ Phoebe said quietly.
The elephant in the car sat quietly in the back seat inspecting its trunk, while Phoebe and Megan struggled to make eye contact.
‘I just want my friend back, Pheebs. And I realise I was a shit to you back then but I’m sorrier than you know. Because I’m starting to realise that I’ve spent my entire life being angry at my Mother and yet I’ve done exactly what she did. I walked out on the most important person in my life’ Megan said with an unsteady voice.
Phoebe looked at Megan, a pain in he
r chest. ‘That’s it? No jokes? Sarcasm? A punchline, maybe?’
‘No. No jokes.’
Phoebe sat quietly, trying to get her wind back from the sheer enormity of all this. It had been seventeen years of silence followed by two days of enormous drama. They’d been following each other around the festival and her hotel and then travelled across the country, arguing, heckling, apologising, refuting, being angry, being sad. And now they were here, at a crossroads. And Megan had shown her hand. So what could Phoebe do with the power Megan had given her? Send her away again?
Of course she couldn’t. Because she was Phoebe and Megan was Megan. That was who they used to be, Phoebe and Megan. And they were still Phoebe and Megan, sitting in this car, arguing. Time hadn’t put much of a dent in that. There was simply a thing between them that existed no matter what. Phoebe didn’t know what the hell that ‘thing’ was, but whatever it was, they would always be that thing.
‘Alright, then’ Phoebe said softly.
Megan, who’d been waiting for Phoebe’s response with little hope, span in her seat.
‘What does that mean?’
‘I guess it means I could hang on to my pride and keep being mad at you or I can let it go and get my friend back.’
Megan held her breath. ‘And?’
‘I’m thinking, alright?’ Phoebe said dryly before she let herself smile at Megan. ‘OK. I’ve decided to get over it.’
Megan’s mouth went dry. ‘Because you missed me too?’ she asked.
‘Don’t push it. Give me your GPS and start the car. I’m tired and it’s late. I forgot how bloody exhausting you are. But yes, I missed you’ she added, not looking at Megan.
Megan did as instructed without argument, her heart lighter than it had been in a long time. She’d done it. She’d gotten Phoebe’s forgiveness. It meant more than she could have imagined.
Phoebe tapped a postcode into the GPS, handing it back. And off they went.
Thirty-Two
Megan and Phoebe were lying on two single beds in the hotel. They’d wanted their own rooms but there was a teacher’s conference in town and they’d been lucky to snag even one room.
So there they were, blankets up to their chins, trying to fall asleep. As tired as they’d been a few hours ago, they’d both moved past it into a wired state of sleeplessness. But no one spoke of it as they tried to push into unconsciousness. Eventually, Megan had had enough and whispered ‘Pheebs?’
Phoebe switched her bedside lamp on. ‘Yes?’
Megan sat up, switching hers on too. ‘I can’t sleep.’
‘Me neither. It’s like my body’s tired but my brain won’t shut down.’
‘We could watch TV?’
‘Sure.’
Megan grabbed the remote and switched on the television. There was some sitcom on about two detectives who always seemed about two minutes from sex but somehow never did it. ‘I hate this show.’
‘Me too.’
They settled in to watch.
Fifteen minutes later, Megan said, ‘What did you mean when you said I cost you a relationship?’
Phoebe pretended she hadn’t spoken. Megan threw a sock at her. ‘Oy! I know you can hear me!’
Phoebe picked the sock up daintily, flicking it across the room. ‘I do not respond to dirty socks’ she said, thoroughly peeved.
‘If you don’t answer my question, I’m progressing to old knickers.’
‘Fine! I was seeing someone. She broke up with me today.’
Megan raised an eyebrow. ‘Harsh.’ After she’d absorbed that info, Megan said ‘Hold on a sec, how’s that on me?’
‘Because she saw a picture on twitter of me giving you the finger on stage.’
Phoebe didn’t say anymore.
After a minute, Megan said ‘I think we’re still missing a key piece of data.’
Phoebe moaned. ‘She wanted me to say I loved her and I wasn’t ready.’
Megan’s brow scrunched as she tried to connect the dots. ‘Still not getting it. In fact, I’m getting further away from it.’
‘She said it was… passionate, giving you the finger. She said I wasn’t passionate with her like that.’
Megan was still a little baffled. ‘She wanted you to flip her off?’
Phoebe rolled her eyes. ‘No, she wanted me to get, I don’t know, excited about her. In whatever way.’
‘And there it is’ Megan said, the light going on. ‘Thank you.’
They watched TV for a few more minutes.
‘Did you love her?’
Phoebe glanced over at Megan. ‘You know what? Let’s talk about your love life, while we’re catching up.’
Megan’s face dropped. ‘Fuck that. We were talking about you.’
Phoebe laughed, enjoying having Megan on the ropes. ‘Oh... Are you not getting any action?’
Megan was quickly affronted. ‘I get laid. Don’t worry about that!’
Phoebe caressed her own chin, calculating. ‘So it’s the other thing you’re missing out on? The hearts and roses bit?’
‘Wow, Jessica Fletcher, what mystery will you solve next?’
‘Touchy, are we?’
‘Nosey, are we?’
‘You’ve got a nerve. You were quizzing me about Emily five minutes ago when it was obvious I didn’t want to talk about it.’
‘What did she do for a living?’ Megan said, ignoring Phoebe’s protest.
‘She was a dentist. Still is, actually. I don’t know why I’m talking about her like she’s dead.’
Megan considered. ‘Emily the dentist. Doesn’t sound hot.’
Phoebe twisted her ring on her finger, a gift from Emily. ‘She was better than hot. She was affectionate, nice, loyal.’
‘You sound like you’re talking about a golden retriever’ Megan commented. A pillow hit her in the face.
‘Fine. I didn’t love her. But I wanted to’ Phoebe finally said.
‘Why?’
‘I guess I thought she’d be reliable’ Phoebe explained, rubbing at her temple.
Megan pursed her lips. ‘That’s a dig at me, isn’t it?’
Phoebe rolled her eyes. ‘You asked a question and that’s the answer. You wanna project your own issues onto it, I can’t stop you.’
Megan threw back the pillow at Phoebe. ‘You’re still a ballbreaker, Fitzgerald.’
‘You still a flake, Hunter?’
Megan bit her lip, thinking. ‘I guess. I never want to take it past the physical bit with women, I know that much’ she confessed.
‘Why not?’
Megan shrugged. ‘Maybe I’m just not cut out for all that. Not everyone is.’
‘Who says?’
‘My Dad. My friends. Fucking Kelly.’
‘But you must have had some serious relationships?’
‘Never made it past six months.’
‘Whoa’ Phoebe said in shock. She immediately regretted it. ‘Sorry.’
‘Nah, it’s fine’ Megan said, seemingly unoffended. ‘You’re not the first person to react that way. How about you? Actually, don’t answer that. Let me guess. Serial monogamist?’
Phoebe didn’t answer.
‘Am I right? I’m right, aren’t I?’ Megan said, pleased with herself. ‘You were always the marrying kind.’
‘Then how am I still single, genius?’ Phoebe said, shooting Megan a wry look.
Megan gave Phoebe a serious look of assessment. ‘I really don’t know. You totally should be married right now. How the hell haven’t you been snapped up?’
Phoebe pretended to be annoyed. But she wasn’t. ‘Came close, once or twice’ she admitted. ‘But it’s hard, with my job. I’m constantly on the road.’
‘That’s always been my excuse too.’
‘It’s not an excuse. It’s the truth’ Phoebe said, trying not to sound as defensive as she felt. The fact was, she did sometimes wonder about that herself. Other people maintained relationships in her position. Look at Mack. He had a wife who was giving birt
h tonight.
‘So, we’re both single, then?’ Megan said, suddenly struck by the knowledge that it was possible to regret words before you finished speaking them. Phoebe’s mouth opened and closed only once and then Megan felt the need to try and correct the stupid thing she’d just said. ‘That sounded like a come on, didn’t it? It wasn’t.’