“Thank you.”
“So what are you going to do, dude? About Samantha, I mean,” Phil added, returning to the subject. Jonathan took a deep breath, and pushed his hand through his hair.
“I’m going to find her, whatever it takes.”
Jonathan stared at the wall replaying his friend’s words. “You are in denial… You have feelings for each other… I bet if you hadn’t freaked out when you two were on your bed, you probably would have made love to her.”
“No,” he said out loud, shaking his head. His eyes widened at the possibility. “No. No, I couldn’t do that to her.”
A stray memory filtered through his thoughts and he froze.
Samantha and Jonathan were sixteen years old, and David Flanagan had just dumped her. They were at the pond, where they would always go together to talk about her Mother, or his parents. Read and study, or to just spend time with each other.
She was crying in his arms for what David had put her through. Once she calmed down he held her hand and listened as she confessed something to him.
“Jonathan”, she said, raising her head from his chest. Her cheeks flushed with embarrassment. “David wanted me to sleep with him.”
He looked at her suddenly anxious. “You didn’t do it. Right, Sam? Please, tell me you didn’t do it,” her eyes filled with tears once again, and she shook her head.
“He dumped me, because I wouldn’t.”
Jonathan sighed relieved and held her in his arms as she cried. He placed two small kisses on her forehead, and laid his back on the grass holding her close…
Another memory pushed through to his mind and his breath caught. It had been the year before, and as usual they were at the pond.
They sat by the tree holding hands when he spoke. He had brought her there to confide in her, as he had many times before.
“I was with a girl, Sam, for the first time.”
He shared what had happened with her. Told her how it had felt for him, and everything that he experienced with that girl. They talked about it all. She had always been the only person he could tell anything to, no matter how intimate or private it should be. There were no secrets with her. She had wanted to know how it felt for the girl, what she had done.
“Did it hurt her?”
He nodded slowly. “For a moment, then it passed.”
She lowered her gaze to her hands. “I think I would be too scared. To trust someone like that, he could hurt me.”
He pulled her in, and hugged her close. “I will never let anyone hurt you, Sam.”
She raised her head from his chest and looked into his eyes. “You are the only one I trust, Jonathan. You are the only one I would ever trust enough to be with me like that, to show me what it is like. I know you would never hurt me.”
“I swear, I will never do anything to hurt you. I will protect you, Sam. Always,” he gave her two small kisses on her forehead and guided her head back to his chest.
“I want it to be you, Jonathan. If I am ever ready for that, I want you to be the one to show me,” she whispered to him, and tilted her head to look at him. He could see the innocence, and trust in her eyes. “Will you? Promise me you will, I only trust you.”
Jonathan cupped her cheek and placed his lips on hers, kissing her. It was a soft, and innocent kiss. It was also her first kiss. There was no malice between them. It had been as pure, and honest as it could be. Just two small town kids, trusting each other, taking care of one another other.
“I promise, Sam. If you ever want me to, I’ll show you. I’ll be there for you.”
Jonathan gasped for air, coming out of the memory.
“What the fuck?”
He turned around, and dragged his hands down his face. His unfocused eyes widened, while his mind tried to process. He was shocked, confused. He had forgotten everything about that day. He never thought of it again, almost as if his mind had repressed the memory, blocked it. Samantha had never been with anyone, this he knew well.
“If something would have happened on my bed, it would have been her first time. I would have been her first,” the thought crossed his mind, bringing with it anxiety. He shut his eyes, and shook his head trying to erase the thought from his mind.
“No! I have to stop thinking about that. What the hell is wrong with me? She’s my best friend, and that was when we were kids. When we knew nothing about life, this is different. We are adults now,” he turned around, and grabbed the Colleges & University Guide again, marking several pages.
“Tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll start calling. I will find her.”
*
Jonathan placed the last sweater in his luggage, and began zipping it up. It was Tuesday morning, and he was getting ready for his trip to Boston. He grabbed Samantha’s pillow, and put it in his second suitcase. He had stayed up until very late the night before, going through the university listings. Marking every place she could possibly be in. He added the guide to his carry on, and closed it, put on his brown Converse shoes, and went down stairs.
“Oh, my dear boy. You’re all grown up!” Grandma Rose said excited, the moment he stepped into the kitchen. He chuckled.
“Yes Grandma, I’m a big boy.”
“I’m so proud of you, my big, important, fancy lawyer from Harvard,” she added, pinching his cheek and he chuckled.
“I’m not an important, fancy lawyer yet. Soon Grandma, soon I will be,” He answered taking an apple from the kitchen bowl and biting into it. He turned towards the window smiling, and spotted Frank, leaving for work. He placed the apple down and rushed outside.
“Frank, wait!”
Frank stopped and turned as Jonathan approached him. He sighed.
“We’ve been through this, Jonathan. I’m truly sorry but I can’t te…”
“I know,” Jonathan cut in. “You can’t tell me where she is, but that doesn’t mean you can’t tell her where I am,” he reached into his pocket, and pulled out a folded paper, handing it to him. It contained the information Phil had given him just that morning. “Here is the address where I’ll be staying in Boston. We already found an apartment. The number is also there. That’s where I’ll be.”
Frank nodded, accepting the paper, and putting it in his front pocket.
“Please tell her I miss her, and that I’m deeply sorry,” he said. His gaze fell to the floor for a moment. He looked up, pulling something out of his back pocket. “I need to give this back to you, Frank.”
Frank opened his hand as Jonathan placed a small velvet bag on his palm. He knew exactly what it was. Grace’s wedding ring. It was a simple engagement ring that once belonged to Frank’s Mother. Made of white gold, it held a half-carat, emerald cut white topaz in the center, and two petite diamonds on the sides. He had proposed to Grace with that ring, and she wore it until the day she died. Frank stared at the velvet bag while his heart constricted. He had given it to Samantha after Grace’s funeral. They sat in the sofa, with a picture of Grace.
“This was your Mother’s ring, it belonged to my Mother before her, and now it belongs to you. I know someday you’ll wear it, and it will represent happiness, and love again… I want you to keep it. She would want you to have it,” Frank told her, hugged her tight, and allowed himself to cry with his daughter for their loss well into the night.
His eyes returned to Jonathan, and he blinked, tearing up. He was trying to control the emotions the memory brought on. He was also confused.
“She gave it to me the week after Grace died. She said it was too important to her, and she didn’t want to lose it. That I was the only one she trusted to keep it safe. I’m just not sure she would want me to have it anymore. I’m giving it back to you, because it belongs to her, and she needs to have it,” he turned to leave, but stopped and looked back at Frank. “Please, tell her I won’t rest until I find her.”
Frank stepped closer and hugged him. “I will tell her, son. Good luck in Boston.”
“Thank you,” Jonathan answered, pulling back a
nd heading back to his house. He stopped by the door and his eyes followed Frank, as he drove away.
Jonathan stared at Samantha’s house. Suddenly, he could see those two kids on her front yard, playing with his Star Wars toys so many years ago. Samantha with her white eyelet dress, and pigtail braids wrapped around her ears, and broken twigs holding it together.
“You can keep it, it’s a girl. I don’t really like girls…. I’m a girl don’t you like me? You said you’d be my friend.”
“I won’t lose you, Sam. I will find you, whatever it takes,” he vowed, took a deep breath, and walked inside.
Grandma Rose saw Jonathan come through the door heartbroken. He stepped into the kitchen and sat on the chair next to her. He remained quiet. She cupped his cheek, her eyes filled with love and concern. “Won’t you tell me what happened, my boy? Why did Samantha leave?”
He shook his head, his eyes looking far away into something he couldn’t quite comprehend. “I don’t know what happened,” he said, in a whisper. His eyes returned to her but he couldn’t hold her gaze. He was ashamed. “I kissed her,” he answered, feeling the full weight of that statement. Pain rippled through him.
“Oh, my boy!” Grandma Rose answered, caressing his cheek lovingly. He looked at her, his eyes pleading.
“I don’t know what’s happening to me. I don’t understand why I did it. It was… stronger than I am, a force I couldn’t control. It just took over, and I kissed her. I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t stop it… I didn’t want to. All I wanted was to keep kissing her, to have her in my arms. I apologized. I asked her to forgive me, and explained I didn’t want that. I told her I was sorry, that it had been a mistake, but she wouldn’t talk to me. She left anyway, and now I don’t know where she is. I have to find her, Grandma. She’s my best friend. I need her, and she needs me.”
Grandma Rose took a deep breath, and shook her head. “You told her that it was a mistake, and you didn’t want it?” Jonathan looked at her, and nodded. “Oh, my boy,” she said, hugging him. “I don’t know how you can be so smart and at the same time so dumb,” he pulled back from the hug, and looked at her confused. “You don’t see it?” She asked, and sighed when he didn’t respond. “That is why she left.”
Jonathan frowned. “No Grandma, she left because I kissed her then left her alone at the bar, and then I kissed her again in my room.”
She stared at him, incredulous. “You kissed her more than once?” He nodded, embarrassed. She sighed, shaking her head. “Ok, I’ll spoon feed it to you, dear. Tell me something, did she kiss you back?” He didn’t answer. “So? Did she?” she pressed frustrated. “When you kissed her both times, did she kiss you back, Jonathan?”
He swallowed the knot in his throat, and reluctantly nodded. That was something he had refused to think about. That he hadn’t wanted to accept.
She gave him a knowing look. “That is why she left, my boy. She has feelings for you, and you kissed her and she kissed you, but then you told her it was a mistake. That you didn’t want that kind of relationship with her. You hurt her. You have feelings for her too. That is why you kissed her, that’s why you couldn’t control it, and why it was stronger than you. It is love, son, plain and simple. That’s how love works.”
“No, no. You are wrong, Grandma. I don’t love her, not like that,” he said, getting up abruptly from the chair, and turning towards the window. “I don’t love her, love ruins everything,” he turned around to look at his Grandmother. He could see the pain reflected in her eyes.
“Love is the most beautiful thing in this world, son. Just because sometimes it doesn’t work out, like it happened with your parents, doesn’t make it any less special, any less real, or worth the effort. Love is everything, dear.”
He took a deep breath, a leaned in giving her a kiss on the cheek. “I’m sorry, Grandma, but you are wrong.”
At that moment, Angela walked into the kitchen. “Are you ready, son?”
He nodded sullenly, and hugged Grandma Rose. “I’ll miss you, Grandma.”
“I will too, my boy.”
Seven hours later, Jonathan was walking out of the Boston Logan International Airport, and hailing a cab.
He arrived at Downtown Boston, and as the taxi approached the building he could see a very active life on the streets around it. All the restaurants, pubs, and cafés had outside tables full of people, and a fluent traffic of costumers. This was definitely a younger neighborhood with a nice and active lifestyle.
“Nothing like back in Springport,” he murmured, and chuckled. He paid the driver and got out of the cab. Taking his luggage from the trunk, he looked at the building in front of him. It was a brownstone design, with the brick facade and bay windows. He smiled. “Samantha would have loved this,” he thought, and entered the building.
He stepped out of the elevator on the third floor, and knocked on #3-5F. The door opened revealing a smiling Phil behind it. He hugged him patting Jonathan’s back.
“I’m so glad you are finally here, dude. We made it! We are in Boston!” He exclaimed, punching his arm, and Jonathan chuckled. “Well, don’t just stand there. Come in,” he added, helping him with the luggage.
Jonathan walked into the apartment. His eyes roamed the place, taking in every detail. It was a nice apartment, on the very small side, although still spacious enough for the two of them. To his left, there was a tiny living room with a sofa and a coffee table. A small, but decent kitchen was to his right. It had an area that could fit a square folding table and two chairs. No dining room. There was a hallway to the far right, next to the kitchen, and he could see three doors along its wall. One for each room and a bathroom, he assumed. His eyes returned to the living room, and he noticed a big balcony a few steps behind the couch. It displayed an amazing view of the downtown area, and the restaurants he had just seen when he arrived. He walked towards the balcony, and opened it up. There was enough space for a bench or a table and couple of chairs. He looked around at the buzzing downtown life and walked back inside.
“So? What’s the verdict?” Phil asked.
Jonathan smiled. “I like it, dude. It’s nice. The best part is that it’s furnished, saved us a lot right there,” he answered, sitting on the sofa.
“Yes, it did. We will have to buy a small table to eat on, and a couple of stools, but everything else is good, right?”
“It is. So how did you get the owner to give us the apartment before it was supposed to be ready?”
Phil smirked. “I casually mentioned we were the two hottest new lawyer additions, of the Harrington, Brown & Parker law firm. I told him the place was convenient since it was only six blocks away, and he said not to worry. That he would get the apartment cleaned, and give us the keys the next day. And he did, dude! He gave them to me this morning. I had already paid him the deposit of course.”
Jonathan chuckled. “Except we are technically not lawyers yet, until we finish the firm’s internal training period, and take the Bar.”
Phil shrugged. “Yeah, but he doesn’t know that.”
They laughed. “I guess it’s better to have the lawyers of the second biggest law firm in the country on your side than against you right?” Jonathan mused.
“Right. He’s a smart man,” Phil replied.
Jonathan walked towards Phil. “So which one is my room?”
“Oh, the one at the end.”
“Thanks,” Jonathan walked through the hallway. He peeked at the rooms and noticed both were the same size, but his was farthest from the bathroom. He walked inside his room, opened the luggage and began taking the clothes out.
After he finished putting everything in the closet, he grabbed Samantha’s pillow, threw it on the bed, and laid his head on it. The moment he closed his eyes, she came to him. The images appeared and transformed in his mind from one to the next. Samantha smiling at him, eating with him, and holding his hand at the library while they studied. Then she was fixing his tie outside the family dinner, wearing his swea
tshirt all wet from the rain, kissing him back. The last image was of her crying on the steps of her building, and the haunting look of despair in her eyes before she ran away from him. Jonathan opened his eyes fighting the feelings that were running through him. Pain was the reigning emotion and it was destroying him. He needed her there. Getting up, he turned off the light, closed the blinds, and laid his head back on her pillow. He allowed his subconscious to play tricks with him, as long as he could at least see her there. Samantha danced in and out of his mind, until he fell asleep.
The next morning, Jonathan was a man on a mission. He got up, took a shower, got dressed, and taking the guide with him he left the apartment. He walked a couple of blocks and found a café with a public phone inside. Taking the booth next to it, he began making calls.
“Hi, good morning. I was wondering if you have a Lecturer there with the name of Samantha Johnson? Could you please check the list of new hires? No. Ok, thank you.”
He dialed the next one.
“Good morning. Do you have a new Lecturer there with the name of Samantha Johnson? What about an Assistant Professor? Ok, thanks.”
He dialed again.
“Yes, hello. Do you happen to have a new Lecturer or Assistant Professor there with the name of Samantha Johnson? No one there with that name? Ok, thank you very much.”
It was now 3:00pm and Jonathan, was frustrated, out of change and as ignorant as when he began. He dropped the guide on the table, and sat down, ordering another coffee.
“Could you also, please bring me your lunch menu?” He asked the waiter.
“Of course, Sir.”
“Thanks,” he rubbed his eyes, they were tired from reading, dialing and scratching pages all morning. That wouldn’t keep him from continuing his task, though. He had to find her.
“There you are!”
Jonathan turned, to find Phil walking towards him. He smiled, and motioned for him to sit down.
“So I got the kitchen table,” Phil announced, accomplished. “It’s already in the apartment,” he added, looking down to see his friend scratching names of the US Colleges & University Guide.
Chasing Time: A Love Through Time Novel Page 10