“I love you, Jonathan. I will always love you, but it’s time I move on.”
He felt the room shift, and he fell on his knees, losing his balance. The onslaught of memories and the pain that accompanied them was making it hard for him to breathe. The tears broke through his walls and began to fall freely as the anguish took control of him, like never before. His heart ripped open once again.
“No!” he spat out. “She doesn’t deserve my pain.”
He pushed himself up from the floor and wiped his face bitterly. “I hate her. After everything we had shared, she left me like I was worthless. Like I was nothing. She forced me into her little world of love, and then left. She manipulated me… I hate her!”
He walked to the bed, ripped the towel off his body throwing to the floor, and changed into his sweats. He lay on the mattress, staring at the ceiling.
“She betrayed me. She made me love her and then left me,” her voice resounded in his mind again.
“Do you love me Jonathan?”
“No…”
He shut his eyes tightly, forcing more tears to fall. “I don’t love her. I don’t love her. I don’t… love ruins everything.”
The morning arrived, and Jonathan sat next to the window staring at her house. The clock marked 7:30am, yet there he sat. He had only managed to sleep a few hours.
The door suddenly opened, and Frank walked out towards the car. He got in through the passenger side and closed the door. Jonathan stood and placed a hand on the window, looking closer. His breathing accelerated as he waited. Then he saw her.
“There she is,” he whispered, seeing her walk out. She was wearing a dark gray turtleneck knit dress. It hugged her body incredibly well, all the way to her mid-thigh. She had dark stockings on and the same knee-high black leather boots as last night. Her hair was loose with those beautiful layers, and it swayed as she walked towards the car, putting on a black coat.
“She’s become such a stunning woman,” he thought, watching her get in the car, and drive away.
After getting dressed, Jonathan went down stairs. Grandma Rose was sitting on the kitchen table, drinking coffee.
“Good morning,” he said, and she turned around smiling at him.
She sighed, taking in his pained expression. “You saw her, didn’t you?” He nodded, sitting down on the chair next to her. His gaze focused on the table.
He shook his head. “I’ve spent the past five years convincing myself that I hated her for hurting me. For leaving me like that… but I don’t hate her. It only took one look at her to destroy everything I had built, the sanity I had worked so hard for. I can’t do this. I miss her, I need her.”
“Oh, my boy. You already lost her once and here you sit, saying you need her when all you’ve done is think about yourself. Have you stopped for one second to think about her, about what she went through? What she felt when you told her you didn’t love her? How hard it must have been for her to leave you, or why she had to do it?”
He looked at her, hurt by her words. “Why would you tell me that? She hurt me.”
Placing the coffee cup back on the table, she shook her head, and held his hand in hers. “Because you are my boy. I love you as if you were my own son, and because I love you, I have to tell you the truth.”
“She didn’t leave because of me. She left because she had some ridiculous expectation that everyone had to live up to. That she wanted me to live up to. It’s not real, Grandma!” He got up from the table, upset.
“My boy. My beautiful, handsome, noble, and stupid boy! When are you going to stop punishing yourself and Samantha for the mistakes your parents made? Just because your Father lost his way doesn’t mean that love is bad. That is unreal. Love is the most powerful force in this world. It moves it. It’s up to us to make it what we want it to be. Good or bad. To nurture it, or kill it, but it’s always there. Regardless of how we decide to use it.”
He faced her shaking his head. “Love doesn’t exist, Grandma, it doesn’t! My parents fell for that lie and when they realized the truth it was too late. They ended up hurting each other, and everyone around them, without a care in the world! Love ruins everything!” He yelled, and his voice broke.
“No, son. Denying it ruins everything,” he turned, to see Angela enter the kitchen. “Your Father and I made many unfortunate mistakes along the way, but loving each other was not one of them,” She stood in front of him, placing her hand on his cheek. “Our mistake was forgetting that love. Letting it slip away,” her voice trembled, as tears fell from her eyes.
Grandma Rose got up from the chair and stood besides Angela. She took Jonathan’s hand in hers once more. “You have spent your whole life denying the love you feel for Samantha, and in return you have hurt her, and yourself. You have caused both of you pain, all because you can’t accept the simple truth that your heart has always known. Let your mind be quiet for a moment, my boy, and feel your heart. What did you feel when you were with her, when you held her? What did you feel when you kissed her?” Jonathan shut his eyes, feeling the tears run down his face. He shook his head.
“I don’t love her. I don’t love her. I don’t love her.”
“Look at me,” Grandma Rose said, simply. He opened his eyes to find her looking at him with a harsh expression. “You can keep telling yourself that over and over. You can hide in all the women you want. All the warm bodies you can find, but you will never be happy because your heart knows that she is the one for you. Samantha is the one you love. Until when are you going to keep denying it? You keep going through life as if you are going to get all the chances in the world to be happy. To be with her. Like she’s always going to be there, just waiting for you until you feel like accepting the truth. She already said goodbye to you once! You might have already lost her, but if there is even a chance for you to get her back it is now, Jonathan. Right now!”
Jonathan looked into her eyes, feeling the weight of her words. “Why do you say that? Why is she here, Grandma?” His Mother answered, looking into his eyes. The pain etched on her face.
“She came to take her Father with her to England. They sold the house, and they are never coming back.”
His eyes widened in shock. He looked towards the window, and saw the “Sold” sign on the lawn that he had failed to notice before. He turned around, pushing his hands through his hair. His throat began constricting, and he was finding it hard to breathe. His eyes roamed the room unfocused. He couldn’t think. Grandma Rose held his face in her hands, forcing him to focus on her.
“She’s seeing someone, Jonathan. They have been together for the past four years.”
He took a step back, the weight of the world falling on him.
Crushing him.
He turned away from her, and stared at blankly at the wall… he couldn’t process. Desperation suddenly rushed through him, flooding every single one of his senses. Drowning his soul. He swallowed, shaking his head as his heart began screaming inside him. Screaming at him what he had tried so hard not to hear.
“No!” he said, whirling around, and holding Grandma Rose’s arms. He shut his eyes trying to make the room stop spinning. “She can’t! She cannot be with anyone else. She belongs with me. We belong together!” He shouted, looking into her eyes.
“Why?” She asked, her eyes tearing up.
His heart screamed at him once again, beating furiously inside him and shaking him to his core. Jonathan let out a ragged breath, surrendering to its demand.
“Because I love her, Grandma. I love her more than anything in this life. My heart is hers. She claimed it the day I saw her crying over her broken Barbie, on the grass. I would have ripped the world apart for her not to shed another tear. I love her.”
She cried taking him into her arms. “Oh, my boy. I just hope it is not too late.”
He pulled away shaking his head. “No, it can’t be, I…”
The sound of Frank’s car outside interrupted his words. He looked out the window, and saw Sama
ntha get out, and walk towards her house. He looked at his Mother, and whirled around heading for the door.
“Go, son. Tell her you love her!” Angela yelled, as Jonathan ran out of the house.
*
Samantha returned from dropping off her Father at the factory, it was his last day of work. She took her coat off, hung the car keys on the wall, and went upstairs to her room. Her eyes settled on the vanity table in the corner. The Princess Leia doll was sitting on top, resting against the mirror. She sat down on the chair, her eyes tearing up. The sound of the door to her room opening reached her, and she took a deep breath. There was no need to turn around, she knew exactly who it was.
“Hi Jonathan,” she said and stood, turning to face him. Her eyes settled on his face and she found herself taken aback by the man standing in front of her. He was even more beautiful than she remembered. He had become a gorgeous man. She felt her nerves arise as she looked at him, immediately realizing the haunted look in his eyes… and the tears.
Jonathan walked towards her slowly, stopping a couple of feet away. His eyes went to her hand and he reached for her. He closed his eyes as he felt her hand in his again after so long, the softness of her skin adding to his pain. Samantha swallowed and pulled her hand away from his. She took a step back seeking distance from him. His hand closed, falling to his side as she robbed him of her touch. He took a deep breath and looked straight into her eyes, moving a step closer. He lifted his hands and cradled her face, another tear fell from his eyes.
“I love you.”
Samantha gasped, covering her mouth. She stared at him in disbelief.
“I love you… I love you. I love you,” his lips trembled, as his tears fell on them. He said it over and over again. Trying to make sure she understood.
She looked at him, her mind going a hundred miles an hour. Trying to process what she was hearing.
“I love you. I love you, Sam. I love you, baby. I never wanted you to leave. I never wanted to hurt you. I have loved you for so long, with every cell in my body, with every piece of my heart… more than life itself, I love you.”
Samantha closed her eyes, shaking her head, and finally coming out of the shock. “No. This is not happening. This cannot be happening, this isn’t real,” she said, pushing his hands away, and walking past him to the other end of the room. She stood by the window, her hands beginning to tremble. She was shaken by his confession.
“It is, Sam. I love you,” he turned around, and walked towards her until he stood behind her. “I was scared, Sam. I was so scarred by everything my Father put us through. By the hurt and pain he caused, that I blamed it all on love, but the only good thing that I have ever had in my life has been you. Your love. Your heart. I love you, Sam,” his arms wrapped around her, and she closed her eyes. The tears began to fall, as she felt his arms again. Her chest contracted and she felt a faint movement inside her. He turned her around, and looked into her eyes as they opened again. He searched for love in them.
“I love you,” he said, once again, fear gripping his heart. “Please, tell me you still love me, Sam. Please, tell me I’m not too late. Please, tell me that I haven’t lost you yet.”
Samantha pushed him aside, and walked away trying to get distance from him. The part of her where he was buried, where his love had been buried all these years, was fighting to surface again. His heart, was fighting to start beating, and she couldn’t allow it. She loved Christopher. She loved him, and she couldn’t hurt him. She would rather die, than hurt him. She faced Jonathan, and shook her head.
“I’m in love with someone else. I’ve been with him for almost five years. He loved me, cared for me, and went with me through all the wreckage that you left behind. I love him…” her voice broke, and she closed her eyes as another tear fell. “I can’t do this, Jonathan,” she turned to leave wiping her face, but before she could reach the door Jonathan closed the distance between them and held her arm, stopping her. He stood behind her, leaning against her, and lowered his head.
“Do you still love me, Sam? Please, answer me. You said you would always love me, do you still love me?” He whispered in her ear, his voice pleading.
She shook her head, and a sob caught in her throat. He stepped around her, facing her.
“You are lying to me. Please, say you still love me,” he begged.
“I’m not lying, I love him. I’m in love with him,” she said, sullenly, pushing his heart as deep inside her as she could manage.
He nodded slowly, seeing the truth in her eyes, and feeling his heart rip. He was too late.
“Have you been with him? Has he made love to you?”
The pain spread inside Samantha like wild fire, at his words. Pain for that promise they had made, for the hope she had carried within her so long ago. She had wanted it to be him. She looked away not able to hold his gaze.
Jonathan didn’t need her to speak. He knew the answer. Another rip found its way through his heart. “How could you do this, Sam? How could you do that to us? You loved me. You loved me, not him,” he said, barely above a whisper. He had truly lost her.
Samantha covered her mouth, crying, the sobs choking her.
Jonathan shook his head, his heart ripping apart, piece-by-piece. He couldn’t take it. He spun around weighed by grief, wanting to slam his fist against the wall with all his strength. Maybe then, his heart would not hurt as much. His fist stopped inches away from the wall, and he unclenched it, placing his palm on it instead. He held himself off, while the pain burned a path through him. He looked at her over his shoulder.
“It was supposed to be me, Sam. I was supposed to make love to you,” he whispered, feeling the loss increase inside him. His eyes returned to the wall, as the memory played in his mind. “Do you remember that day at the pond? You told me you wanted it to be me. You said you trusted only me, Sam. That you didn’t want anyone else to touch you, you wanted it to be me,” Jonathan said, unable to stop himself. He knew he had lost her. He knew he had no right to even ask, but the pain was too strong.
Samantha covered her face with her hands, crying.
He pushed against the wall and walked to her. Holding her wrists gently, he pulled her hands down, and uncovered her face. “Look at me, Sam. Please,” her eyes opened, and she looked into his. “Why? Why would you let him love you?” He asked, barely being able to talk from the searing pain inside him. His heart continued to rip, but he needed to know.
She looked at him, and the agony in his eyes broke the hold she had. She felt his heart start to beat again, bringing with it every emotion she had ever felt for him.
“Because, it was supposed to be you. You were supposed to love me, but you didn’t. You didn’t love me. You kissed me, and then ran away. You made me feel as though I was nothing to you. You ripped my heart into a million pieces. And he put it back together. You hurt me, Jonathan, but he healed me. With his tenderness, with his love,” the pain rippled through her as his heart began to beat harder inside her. Samantha stepped back, sitting on the corner of the bed. She looked down, feeling empty, defeated. The tears fell freely from her eyes, and she sobbed. “I wanted to forget you… I didn’t want you to be in my heart. I gave myself to him, Jonathan, because I didn’t want to love you. I didn’t want to be yours anymore,” she said, her voice breaking.
Jonathan kneeled in front of her, and held her hands gently in his, kissing them.
“I’m sorry,” he said, with new tears in his eyes after witnessing the pain in hers, and her declaration. “I’m sorry. Please forgive me, baby, please. I’m so sorry… I was afraid. I was so afraid that I was going to ruin everything by loving you. I was terrified to lose you. I didn’t want to accept the love I felt for you, and I lost you anyway. That is something that I will regret for the rest of my life. Because, I do love you, so much,” he chuckled sarcastically, wiping the tears off his face. More fell. “I’ve spent the last five years trying to convince myself that I hated you for hurting me. For leaving me… but I do
n’t hate you. I can’t hate you, because I love you with all my heart. I’ve fooled myself, jumping from bed to bed, from woman to woman, trying to prove to myself that I was fine without you, that I didn’t need you. Yet, every woman I was with had your face, your lips, your hands, and your body. You haunted me day and night, Sam. I went to bed with you, and I woke up with you. You are everything to me, everything, Sam. Do you hear me? Everything. I love you, baby.”
“Stop saying that!” She sobbed, feeling his heart become stronger with his every word.
“I can’t! I held it inside me for much too long. I need to say it. I have to say it, because it has been choking me all these years. I love you, Sam. I love you. I love you. I love you so damn much. And I need you to hear it, even if you don’t love me anymore. I will find a way to live with that, I will find a way to accept that I destroyed the love you felt for me, but I’ll be damned if I don’t make sure that you at least know, with absolute certainty what I feel for you. The love I feel for you consumes me. It is vehement and unforgiving and it is present in every cell, every organ, every piece of my heart, and every single part of my soul. I love you,” he accentuated the last three words. His voice was full of despair, and another tear slid down his cheek.
Samantha looked into his eyes, no longer able to ignore the love awakening for him. His heart, was now beating stronger than it ever had before. She couldn’t ignore the words that she had for so long, been aching to hear.
Chasing Time: A Love Through Time Novel Page 21