by M. J. Haag
“Are you hungry?” I asked softly.
“No. Eat.”
Everything was orders with him.
I took my time eating, letting the memory of the dream fade as much as possible in the hopes that I’d be able to go back to sleep.
The complete silence accentuated the sound of my chewing, which I didn’t like at all. It was sometimes like that now, though. Especially with the infected gone.
“How many days has it been since the breach?” I asked with a frown. All the days with Merdon were blending together.
“I don’t know. Why are you asking?”
“It’s weird for the infected to be gone this long, isn’t it? I mean, it’s been at least two weeks. Almost three, maybe. We’ve never gone that long without seeing an infected. What does that mean?”
“They are learning to stay away from us because we can kill them.”
“Hmm. Are they still setting traps for the groups that go out for salvage runs?”
“Yes.”
“Then I don’t think they’re staying away from here because they’re avoiding you guys.” It scared me to think that they might be planning something else.
I finished my food, trying not to focus on the noise I was making, then rinsed my plate to wash in the morning.
I didn’t need to fake a yawn when I turned back to Merdon.
“Am I allowed to go back to bed, or are you in the mood for some wrestle time?”
He tilted his head, studying me for a long, intense moment.
“If you’re looking for my vote, it’s bed,” I said with another yawn. “I feel like I could sleep for a day straight.”
He stood and motioned for the stairs leading to the second floor. I didn’t need to be told twice. Glad for the reprieve, I jogged up the stairs and was burrowed under my covers moments later. With a sigh, I closed my eyes and let exhaustion pull me back under.
Thoughts drifted in and out during my semi-conscious state of almost awake. One in particular had my eyes popping open, and I was momentarily blinded by the sunlight streaming in through the window. The light didn’t banish my thoughts of last night’s messed up dream or the blame for it.
Angry, I sat up and looked at the bite marks on my arms.
It’d been Merdon’s bites I’d felt as the infected pulled me down. He’d wormed his way into my dream, twisting it so I suffered in Katie’s place. Thanks to him, my imagination had supplied me with what I’d needed to make the dream seem so very real.
I twisted around to glare at him, but his chair was empty. Maybe I was finally getting lucky. That was two mornings in a row without him now.
Glancing at the sunlight again, I hurried out of bed and got dressed. I didn’t want to miss my time with Brenna. I needed to learn to use that bow so I could shoot Merdon in his sleep.
I paused and glanced at the chair again. Did he sleep?
Shaking my head, I pulled on a sweater then jogged my way down to the kitchen.
“Morning,” Emily said with a happy smile. “I saw you ate last night. I was worried when Merdon said you picked sleep over food.”
“I didn’t really have a choice. Sleep picked for me.”
“Does that mean it’s getting better?” she asked hesitantly.
“We both know it isn’t,” I said, knowing darn well she’d heard me last night. My throat still felt scratchy from all the screaming.
“Sorry.” She slid a plate stacked with eggs—real ones, hash browns, and bacon—toward me. My mouth watered looking at it all.
“How?” I asked, pointing to the food with my fork.
“Ryan’s farm raids. He found some chickens still alive in one of those big chicken farms. The place was a mess. It looked like a hellhound had gotten in and ripped open most of the cages. But, there were a few chickens surviving in the carnage.”
I looked at my eggs, briefly wondering what the chickens had been eating with no one there to feed them, then decided I didn’t care and dug in. It was heavenly.
“Where’s Merdon this morning?” I asked between bites.
“Not sure. As soon as I came downstairs to start breakfast, he left without a word.”
“If we’re lucky, maybe he won’t come back.”
She made a non-committal noise that I knew from past experience came before much commenting.
“What?” I asked, giving in to the inevitable.
“Would we be lucky? I mean, we have food. We have the security of knowing he’s here at night. You’re doing better even if the dreams are still giving you trouble. Having him around has helped us.”
Giving her a disbelieving stare, I pushed up my sleeves to show the light bruises from yesterday’s bites.
“Thanks to Merdon, I was the one dying last night. No, we are not luckier having him around. I get that you wanted me to stop drinking. Fine, I’m off the booze, and I’m eating. Can’t that be enough? Why does he need to stay here, tormenting me, just to make you feel better?”
“I think he means well but is going about things in the wrong way.”
I snorted then finished my last bite.
“Thank you for breakfast. It was amazing. Your thoughts on Merdon, not so much. I’ll be back around lunch if my keeper allows it.”
I left her in the kitchen, looking guilty.
Outside, the sun warmed my face and the breeze played with my curls, tugging a few of the shorter ones free of their confines. Fey nodded or waved to me as I passed, not hiding as much as the day before. However, I spotted them less frequently as I approached our spot to practice archery.
There were a few more people waiting for me than the day before.
“Hey, Hannah,” Angel said when she saw me. “Word’s spreading.”
I looked at Eden, who was already getting a quiet explanation from Brenna about the bow, then at the girl standing beside them. Her dark, curly hair was pulled back, showing the rapt attention in her dark eyes as she listened to Brenna. The girl was young, around Katie’s age. And seeing her there made me feel awful things: guilt, panic, anger, and a shit-ton of shame.
“That’s Tasha,” Angel said, catching my stare. “She was the other girl kidnapped with you and Brenna. Brenna’s family took her in. They’re treating her like one of their own, teaching her archery and everything. She’s loving it, and I think Brenna’s enjoying having a little sister.”
The words were a knife to my soul. Angel continued on, unaware of how deeply she’d just cut me.
“I know I love having Garrett in my life. Who would have thought I’d find a family in this mess? It’s kind of neat, all the adopting going on.” She patted her belly.
Visions of Katie falling to a horde of infected surged forward in my mind. I’d had a family, and I’d turned my back on it. I’d killed it. I’d killed my sister.
I stared at the girl, Tasha, not seeing the differences between her and Katie but all of the similarities in the way she smiled at Brenna and hung on every word.
An invisible hand wrapped around my chest and squeezed. I couldn’t breathe. I could only feel the anguish of what I’d done. It ripped at me, shredding my reason.
“Shut up,” I whispered, staggering a step away from Angel.
“You okay?” she asked.
“Shut up!” I screamed and covered my ears. Everything was crumbling apart. Fire lit my insides, burning with a certainty that we were all dead like Katie. We just hadn’t figured it out yet. The fey had trapped us in these flimsy tin walls, like cattle in a pen. We were infected food, waiting to happen.
Katie’s screams filled my ears. Again and again, she called my name. I could feel the bites on my arms…on her arms. Panting, I wheeled around, looking for her.
“Hannah, stop.”
I turned toward the voice. It wasn’t Katie. It was him. Merdon. He did this to me.
“I hate you. I hate you for making me do this. I don’t want to feel. Why can’t you understand that? Why can’t you just leave me alone?”
“Never.”
I crouched automatically, not even realizing what I was doing. He shadowed the move a moment before I flew at him. I used everything. Teeth and nails on his skin whenever I managed to get close enough; fists and elbows planted in anything relatively soft. I kicked and I clawed and I didn’t stop. I fought wildly for the freedom I needed. Freedom from the memories, the pain, and the guilt.
Time blurred. My side began to ache. My limbs started to shake. Fatigue slowed me but didn’t cool my anger. I’d been fine before Merdon’s self-imposed house arrest. Everything had been numb.
“I want it back,” I yelled at him.
“No.”
He shifted around me, trying to avoid me and making me work even harder to reach him. I remained focused until my legs gave out. The feel of my knees hitting the ground jarred me from my spiral enough to notice the people around me.
Thallirin had an arm protectively wrapped around Brenna, who was scowling at Merdon. When she met my gaze, I saw understanding I didn’t need or deserve. I looked away and found the girl’s shocked expression spoke volumes as did the sudden pallor to her caramel skin. Angel watched me with pity. Shax’s expression echoed her own.
It was too much.
I bowed my head in defeat, understanding that I’d never be free from the fey or what I’d done.
Merdon came to me, grabbed an arm, and tossed me over his shoulder. I accepted the position in limp silence.
“I’m sorry, Merdon,” Thallirin said.
“We cannot change the choices we’ve made; we can only learn to live with them. I must go.”
Live with the choice he made in picking me? The broken, human female of Tolerance who was too mean for anyone else to want. Maybe I wasn’t his choice. Maybe he’d gotten stuck with me by default.
My soul died further as he strode away with me over his shoulder. My heaving breaths turned into racking sobs before he reached the house.
“What happened?” Emily asked.
“It’s nothing.”
He set me down and grabbed my chin, forcing my attention to his angry face.
“Are you done, or do you need the basement?”
I swallowed hard, ignoring the snot running from my nose.
“I’m done.”
“Good. Go upstairs and shower.”
I nodded and shuffled upstairs. The bathroom mirror reflected my tear-streaked face and brought on a fresh round of pain and crying. Sniffling, I stripped and turned on the water. I tried not to think. It was easier to just function. Autopilot wasn’t enough to stop the tears, though.
The shower had just warmed on my skin when Merdon walked in and looked at me through the glass.
“Why are you still crying?”
“I don’t know how to stop. Did they make you pick me? Is that why Thallirin said he’s sorry? Are you stuck with me?”
He stared at me through the glass for a long moment, his expression impossible to read.
“No, no one forced me to pick you.”
The tears slowed.
“Thallirin was apologizing for the things he did lifetimes ago,” he continued.
“What did he do?”
“After Oelm died, guilt consumed Thallirin. He sought to end his life. I stayed with him, watching him, keeping him alive. He fought me, and eventually, he forgave me for robbing him of the peace he sought.”
Thallirin had been like me.
“Dry off. Get dressed. Mary and James invited us to eat with them. You need rest.”
He angrily walked out of the room, leaving me wondering why exactly Merdon had a thing for saving people.
Chapter Nineteen
Emotionally spent and physically drained, I dressed slowly. How could just a few hours feel like a full day? Losing time seemed to be the theme for my stationary existence since the breach. No, not the breach, since Merdon barged in and started controlling my life.
While I was grateful for the upcoming reprieve from Merdon’s focused attention, I was smart enough to know there was some agenda to James and Mary’s lunch invitation. The old couple didn’t demand our presence unless they needed something. It felt like I was trading one giant, agile devil for two smaller, slower ones. Yet, whatever it was the old couple wanted was better than any other option I had.
Bundled in a cozy sweater and wearing soft jeans, I made my way downstairs. I noticed Emily was in the kitchen, wrapping something up. Merdon wasn’t with her, though. Instead, he stood staring at the dark TV in the living room.
“Works better if you turn it on,” I said.
He glanced at me, his gaze sweeping me from head to toe before shifting to Emily.
“Are you ready?”
“Yep, all set,” she answered.
She handed him the covered dish she’d been wrapping and went for her coat. I quickly joined her, slipped into my jacket and boots, then held the door for the pair. They looked so domestic together. Merdon, carrying the dish; Emily, smiling and thanking him.
He didn’t even scowl angrily when he looked at her. Why did that annoy me?
“Did James and Mary say why they wanted us to come over?” I asked.
“No,” Emily said. “Tor stopped by with the message, though, so I’m guessing it’s about the dinner dates. Since I already had lunch made, I asked him to let Mary know I’d bring the food.”
“Another dish for us to test?”
“Yep. I think you’ll like this one, too.”
My stomach growled its agreement, and she grinned at me. Merdon’s frown deepened, which I ignored.
“I saw the cookies still in the house. When are you going to Tenacity to finalize the hookups?”
She wrinkled her nose.
“Let’s think of something else to call it. Maybe something about the food so it doesn’t seem so…”
“Like a sex hookup?”
She gave me a look and nodded her head toward Merdon as if he wasn’t fully aware of the fey endgame. The only reason any of them wanted the dinner was to eventually have sex.
“What? That’s why very few of the single women stayed in Tolerance when we gave them the choice between here and Tenacity. They already know what the fey’s goals are and want nothing to do with them.”
“Exactly. The women from Tenacity are rejecting the fey without even knowing anything about them except that they’re different. That’s the whole point of the dinners: to give them an opportunity to get to know the fey outside of the whole ‘we want a woman’ perception. Yes, the fey are hoping for a positive end result, but they also want to be accepted for who they are. And, Mary and I are hoping this is a start of a movement to change the general perception of the fey as seen by the female population of Tenacity. We need a better relationship for our communities to survive long-term.”
A distant moo seemed to agree with her passionate outpouring. I hadn’t realized how much these dinners meant to her.
“Then call it a ‘dine and dash’ so the women think that’s all they’ll need to do. Talk up the food and the conversation starter cards you have, and downplay the company they’ll have at the table as no big deal. Make it sound like it’s a painless escape and way to get fed, and they’ll do it.”
Emily gave me a grateful smile.
“Do you really think so?”
“Yes. And you’re giving them food in the form of cookies just for talking to you. It’s like one of those no purchase necessary contests. You’re not forcing them to have dinner to get fed. They’ll just get more food if they agree.”
“Oh, I didn’t think of it like that. Yeah, it’s a good thing I made the cookies. Maybe I should make something else.”
“A canned good would help open more doors and give you a reason to have a fey escort. A fey presence, in a helpful way, wouldn’t be a bad thing.”
“I know just the fey,” she said.
I looked back at Merdon, who was following us.
In that single, sweeping glance, a new realization was born, and it had nothing to do with Emily�
��s talk of changing the female perception of the fey. Though, ironically, that’s what just happened because I’d noted the way his t-shirt clung to every hard muscle he owned and the way his worn buckskin pants encased his thighs. And most of all, how damn sexy all of that was, combined with the fact that he was still carrying Emily’s dish of whatever.
The idea of Emily taking Merdon, and the fear of him actually going, filled me with jealousy. It didn’t matter that he said I was his or I’d told him repeatedly that I didn’t want him. My feelings weren’t listening to my head. And, as much as I wanted to go back to the blind way I’d seen him before, I couldn’t. Merdon was damn near lickable, and that shocked the hell out of me.
First that weird tingle, then the kiss, and now this? Was I Stockholming him? My stomach dipped and refused to settle down the rest of the way to James and Mary’s place.
The door opened when we were two steps away, which I found as odd as James’s serious expression.
“Is everything all right?” Emily asked, obviously noting the same things I had.
He nodded slowly, his gaze flicking to me.
“Yep. Everything’s fine. Come on in. Ma’s got the table set.”
Emily and I took off our jackets by the door while Merdon carried the dish to the table.
“You are such a sweet man,” Mary said from where she was pouring juice into our cups. “Any woman would be lucky to have you. Not just lucky but grateful.”
That last word, spoken so forcefully, had me looking at Emily in question.
She gave me a slight “I have no idea” shrug before joining the others with me.
“Hannah and I were just talking about how I might get a few more volunteers for the dinners,” Emily said chipperly.
“Oh?” Mary asked. The tone and stiff way she motioned everyone to sit made her seem almost angry. She’d scolded me plenty, but I’d never seen her looking this upset.
Emily frowned at her and repeated her earlier question. “Is everything all right?”
Mary gave Emily a quick smile. “Of course, dear. Tell me your ideas.”