by M. J. Haag
“Well, I’d baked the cookies as a way to soften up the ladies I plan to talk to and as an example of the food they’d get if they volunteered to attend the dinners. But Hannah made a good point about not wanting any of them to feel like they’re being forced into a dinner in order to get fed. She suggested offering a canned good for anyone willing just to hear me out. No strings attached.”
“Well, that seems nice. It’s a good gesture.” But Mary’s grandmotherly doting expression fell into a truck stop wayside as she looked at me.
“I didn’t think you had it in you to consider someone else’s feelings.”
The words stung harsher than any of Merdon’s spankings. My mouth fell open in shock.
“Mary, that’s enough,” James said calmly. “What’d you bring to eat, Emily?”
Emily glanced from Mary to me and back again.
“Um, something I was thinking we could serve for one of the dinners. Merdon and Hannah both enjoyed yesterday’s dish. I was going to have them test today’s, too, but then figured we could all do that since it made more than I expected.”
“That’s so sweet of you, honey,” Mary said. She looked at Merdon. “Isn’t she sweet?”
He grunted, his gaze flicking to everyone at the table. His expression might not have shown it, but I could tell he was just as confused as I was by Mary’s behavior.
“She’d make someone a fine partner for sure,” Mary continued. “Kind, caring, nice childbearing hips, and breasts big enough for some decent milk.”
Emily paused in the act of uncovering the dish she’d brought, a flush creeping into her cheeks.
“Ma, you’re making her blush. Cut it out.”
“I just think it’s important to help the fey see what they should value in a potential partner.” She turned to Merdon. “Make sure you let the rest know what I said.”
“I will.”
“The size of a girl’s chest doesn’t equate to milk production,” Emily said hurriedly. “Please don’t encourage false rumors.” She shot Mary an imploring look. “We’re going to have a hard enough time finding any willing girls, let alone ones with large busts and all the curves. Especially when we’ve been starved for weeks and are now barely eating the daily calories we need.”
“I know, I know,” Mary said. “I just don’t want any of the men to think that the right woman is one who would attack him in public for no good reason.”
My stomach dove to my toes as I realized why Mary was acting the way she was. Unable to look up and meet the accusation coming at me from across the table, I locked my gaze onto my plate.
“You should be ashamed of yourself, Hannah. I know you were raised better than that. Merdon has done so much for you, taken care of you when you refused to take care of yourself, and that’s how you repay him?”
“What’s going on?” Emily asked.
“Hannah attacked Merdon this morning. You didn’t notice the scratch on his face?”
Emily remained quiet. She had noticed but probably thought it’d come from one of our basement matches.
“He’s a good man and deserves to be treated as such. Now, apologize.”
My mind went completely blank for a moment before an overwhelming number of emotions and thoughts battered me. Yes, I’d lost my shit this morning. I shouldn’t have lashed out the way I had, but it hadn’t been a conscious choice. I didn’t know how to cope with all the shit in my head without alcohol, which Merdon took away from me. How was it my fault I went crazy? Especially since Mary had just acknowledged something was wrong enough that someone else had to take care of me.
I was angry I was the one getting yelled at here, but over that anger was hurt. So much hurt. Mary and James were supposed to have been my support. Twice, now, they’d let me down.
“No,” I said, lifting my head. “You both thought it was a good idea for Merdon to spank me and bite me, but when I do it back, I’m the one to blame? I’m not apologizing for reacting the way he’s been teaching me to react. But I am sorry. I’m sorry I came here, and I’m sorry I ever believed you could care about me enough to help fill the place of everyone I’ve lost.”
I stood and placed my napkin on the table.
“I’ll try your dish at home if you want me to,” I said to Emily.
James hurried to stand.
“I’ll walk with you.”
Ignoring him, I went to the door and grabbed my jacket. For a guy who usually didn’t get up and answer the door, he had a lot of hustle as he followed me.
“Take pity on an old man, Hannah, and let me use your arm,” he said when the door closed behind us.
Taking a calming breath, I stopped and helped him even though I didn’t want to. I’d known James long enough to understand he was walking with me to put in his two cents.
“It might not seem like it now, but we love you, Hannah. Mary’s just upset because she sees things differently than you. Honestly, we both do.” He let out a weary sigh. “Mary and I are deadweight. We contribute nothing to our little community. We can’t help get supplies, only eat them. We can’t protect anyone.” He nudged my arm he was clutching, “Hell, I can barely walk.
“Mary and I know we’re a liability, but these fey have never once made us feel that way. Finding a girl to settle down with might consume every waking thought they have, but they still help us even knowing there’s nothing Mary and I will ever be able to do to pay them back.
“They’re good people, and Mary won’t let poor treatment of such good people go without a strong word of discouragement.”
“And my poor treatment? You both encouraged him. I wore his handprint for hours. You saw his bite marks.”
“We also saw how bad it was getting and how much you’ve turned around in the weeks he’s been with you. Don’t you see? We were willing to do anything not to lose you. What’s a few thrashings in exchange for you?”
“You wouldn’t be saying that if it had been your backside,” I mumbled.
“I would. I doubt he would have been as interested in spanking me, though. Mary tried it once. Said I was too tough and didn’t squeal enough.”
I stopped walking to stare at him. He chuckled and winked at me.
“If you didn’t have even a moment of fun with Merdon, he’s not doing something right. Give him another chance. Or, ask him for a turn like Mary did to me.”
The implication that he’d been spanking Mary prior to her spanking him made me want to stuff snow in my ears.
“Please, please stop talking about spankings.”
“You’re the one who brought them up.”
“You have no idea how much I regret that now.”
We continued walking, and he patted my arm.
“Just think about what I said.”
“I’m trying not to.”
He chuckled again.
“About the choice we made to allow Merdon to try to help you. We’d been trying and failing. You know you were sick, honey. You still are. And if you let yourself reflect on it, you’ll see that you were taking your pain out on others, and that’s not okay. Now, I’m not just talking about Merdon. I’m talking about Emily, too. That girl has stuck with you through thick and thin, and how have you repaid her?”
He wasn’t scolding me in that same tone Mary had used. He was compassionate and softly spoken, all while patting my hand reassuringly.
“And what about Shax? That boy would have done anything for a scrap of your affection. You knew it, and what did you do?”
I swallowed hard, hating the way James was gently forcing me to see myself. Lifting my gaze, I focused on my house ahead and wished I could just shake loose of his hold and run for it. But, I couldn’t. I couldn’t be that past version of myself that he was painting for me.
He paused at the end of my sidewalk and released me.
“Look beyond yourself, Hannah. Everyone is struggling in some way. Your pain isn’t special or new. That doesn’t mean it’s not real or that you have no right to feel it. It
means you’re not alone.”
Turning, he lifted an arm.
“Any volunteers to give an old man a lift home?”
Several fey stepped out of their hiding places to offer their help.
“Fyllo, come on over here. I appreciate the ride,” James said as the fey jogged over and gently lifted the old man. “We’re having lunch at my place if you want to come in. Just don’t take a shower first. Mary’s been having issues with dropping her fork when you fey are sitting around the table in towels.”
I shook my head and went inside, not knowing what to think about James’s talk, mostly because I was just so damn tired of feeling guilty for everything. Mary had thought the worst about my fight with Merdon because of my past actions.
Yes, I’d used Shax. I’d known it at the time I was doing it and had told myself I’d been doing him a favor by giving him attention. Hadn’t I hurled similar words at Merdon at one point? I’d treated all the fey like that. But, James was right. They were good people. I had always known that on some level. But, I’d let myself justify my actions because I’d been so fucked up in my head.
Hell, I still was. My skin crawled with the need to move, to escape all these awful feelings. I was angry, confused, guilt-ridden to the point of breaking, and…alone. Unwanted. Mean.
Standing just inside the door, I looked around at the empty house and knew I didn’t want to be there. I tugged off my boots and carried them through the house only to put them on again at the backdoor. I let myself out and headed for the nearest wall ladder.
No doubt, I had some fey trailing me. I didn’t turn to see who it might be. I didn’t want to see a fey I recognized and think about all the ways I might have wronged him. I also didn’t want to be told to go home.
So I climbed the ladder and took a seat on the wall, letting my legs hang over the outside edge. Nothing moved out among the trees even though the snow around them was well trampled. It wasn’t comforting that the infected weren’t out there. Quite the opposite, actually. I shuddered at what changes might be happening that we weren’t witnessing.
The cold of the metal underneath me slowly leached away my warmth. I began to shiver lightly but made no move to get up. I wasn’t ready to return home. Instead, I lost myself in the company of the wind and trees.
“You’re facing the wrong way if you’re here for a good view of the sunset,” a familiar voice said long after my toes had gone numb.
I looked over at Brenna, who was jogging atop the wall toward me.
“Not here for the view, just the solitude. No offense.”
“None taken.”
She also didn’t take the hint because she sat down beside me.
“What I saw this morning wasn’t pretty,” she said.
I turned to stare, unable to believe she’d just sit down and say something like that. She met my gaze and shrugged.
“It wasn’t, and you know it.”
“Of course, I know it. What I don’t know is why you’re here rubbing it in?”
“Rubbing it in? Never. I wanted to tell you I know that look you were wearing. The anger. The fear. The guilt. I saw that in the mirror for weeks. It might not be due to the same experiences, or it might be. I’m not asking you to have a moment with me and bond over shared pain. But I’m here because I wanted you to know that I understand what I saw this morning, and I know what falling apart looks like. I’ve done it. My mom’s done it. And I can say from experience that piecing yourself back together afterward can be rough. I’m here if you need a friendly ear or quiet company.”
“Thanks.”
“You don’t mean that, but maybe you will when you see my offer for what it is. Don’t isolate yourself. I promise you that closing yourself off is never the right choice.”
She turned herself toward me, a forceful glint in her eye.
“Talk to someone about what’s going on in your head even if you’d rather spoon your own eye out. In fact, the worse it feels to put it into the words, the more you probably need to talk about it. It won’t be easy but is anything easy in this world?”
“Nope. Not since the quakes.”
“If it was easy for you before the quakes, I envy you that. It wasn’t easy for all of us.”
She stood, shouldering her bow.
“Be at the dick pile tomorrow morning. One bad day doesn’t mean you can quit.”
She didn’t wait for my answer but walked away. I stared after her for a moment before turning my attention to the fading light.
She, like Emily, wanted me to talk to someone. But how, when I didn’t know the words to explain the thing eating me alive from the inside? It was volatile and uncompromisingly vicious when it stirred, and as today proved, it didn’t just hurt me. It hurt everyone around me. And Brenna wanted me to talk about what woke it. No, thanks.
I’d heard what happened to her. Rape. And her mom had some sort of accident that landed her in a wheelchair. Things happened to them. Choices were taken away from them. No one took away my choice with Katie. I’d made that demon through my own actions. Brenna might think she understood my pain, but she didn’t. Not really. No one could.
Except, maybe, Merdon.
He’d killed his friend. Someone who was supposedly like a brother to him. Yet, never once had Merdon shown any sign of guilt or regret. He didn’t wake up screaming or strike out at people like I did. In fact, as James pointed out, Merdon was helpful. To everyone but me.
I folded my hands in my lap and looked down at my cold-numb fingers, trying to imagine telling Merdon about what had happened. He claimed I was his, and in normal fey-speak, that would mean kindness, compassion, and doting. None of that was Merdon.
He acted like he hated me and often reminded me how awful I was to everyone around me. While he might understand what I’d done, he obviously hadn’t experienced the same remorse. He was, in general, cold and uncaring.
And he was my best option?
Chapter Twenty
A fey jumped up next to me, startling me so badly that I almost toppled off the wall. A big grey hand clamped down on my shoulder, anchoring me as Shax took a seat beside me.
“What are you doing?” I couldn’t help the suspicion in my tone or my glance over my shoulder at Tolerance.
“I am sitting with you. What are you doing?”
“Well, I’m wondering why you aren’t with Angel.”
“Merdon asked me to sit with you. He thought you might need a friend.”
“That’s confusing on so many levels.”
Shax tilted his head at me, and I knew he needed an explanation.
“Well, Merdon just listened to Mary yell at me when what happened was partially his fault, and he didn’t once stick up for me. Now, he’s sent a ‘friend’ to me? And why you? Why not Emily?”
“Because you were nice to me once.”
“Was I nice to you?” I asked softly.
I looked out over the trees, my heart hurting for myself.
“Am I really that awful? Do all the fey hate me?”
“No.”
I snorted.
“Just the ones I used, right?” I asked ruefully. “I’m sorry for what I did to you, Shax. I knew what you wanted, so I used your infatuation to get what I wanted. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to be so mean.”
“It’s okay. You helped me win Angel.” A wistful note crept into his voice when he said her name.
It hurt to know I would never have anyone talk about me like Shax talked about Angel.
“You guys should let Merdon choose someone else. It’s not fair to stick him with me just because no one else wants me.”
Shax’s silence became noticeable after a beat, and I looked over to meet his perplexed gaze.
“Many fey want you, Hannah, and Merdon has always been free to choose who he wants. He wants you. My brothers are respecting that decision.” Shax’s expression turned troubled. “Do you prefer a different fey?”
I could see how much the idea upset hi
m.
“Honestly, I don’t even like myself very much. How can I like anyone else?”
His gaze searched mine. Instead of asking questions, he simply wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me close. It wasn’t a move to get some girl-contact time. It was just a friendly, almost brotherly hug. And it was my undoing. Tears fell quietly as I let myself accept his offer of friendship even though I knew I didn’t deserve it.
“You should like yourself,” Shax said softly. “You will never be happy until you do.”
“This wall is turning into a therapy couch,” I said. “First Brenna telling me to talk to someone, and now you telling me to like myself. I wish it was all that easy.”
“It is. I like you. So do Angel and Brenna and Thallirin.”
“Thallirin might be a stretch,” I said sniffling.
Shax grunted.
“Yes. He is much taller than you.”
I snorted a laugh and didn’t try to correct him. Instead, I leaned my head on his shoulder and watched the light fade from the sky. He didn’t get antsy even though I knew he was probably thinking about Angel.
“Thanks for the talk, Shax.”
“Anytime.”
“You should probably get back to Angel.”
“Not until you come down from the wall. Do you want me to carry you home?”
“No, thanks. I’m tired of being carried. Merdon keeps throwing me over his shoulder. One of these days, I’m going to barf on his back just to spite him for being mean. I know you think he picked me, but I don’t think he’s happy about his choice.” I stood, and Shax rose, too. “I still think you should encourage him to pick someone else. All I do is make him angry.”
Shax blinked at me in the way fey did when they were either thinking or stumped. I wasn’t sure which applied right then.
“Have you heard Merdon and Thallirin’s story?” he asked finally. “Not about Oelm’s death but about what happened to Merdon and Thallirin after they left the protection of Ernisi?”
“No.”
“Let me help you down, and I’ll tell you the story.”
I nodded, and he picked me up nicely and jumped to the ground. His heat seeped into my numb legs, and I felt a little colder at the loss when he set me down again.