by M. J. Haag
“Outside the walls of our home, only the light caves kept Merdon and Thallirin safe. Thallirin didn’t want safety. He wanted to join Oelm. Because of Oelm’s death, both Merdon and Thallirin understood that the crystals we wore were what brought us back to life. In the days after their exile, Thallirin tried removing his crystal many times.
“The hounds hunted them relentlessly. Thallirin would throw himself into their midst, and Merdon would need to fight them to get the crystal back on Thallirin before they both died. They were reborn together many times. Merdon never let Thallirin have what he wanted.”
“Why?”
“Because each time Thallirin came back, he was more anguished.”
“I don’t understand. Merdon was purposely making Thallirin suffer?”
“Merdon believed that Oelm would not want them to follow him to a final death. To value Oelm’s death, they needed to live as Oelm would have lived. Oelm was a good man, a strong hunter, and a fierce opponent. He would have thought a final death cowardly and would have been ashamed to call them brothers.
“After Merdon told Thallirin that, Thallirin still threw himself to the hounds, but he kept his crystal on and wouldn’t allow himself the relief of rebirth. He would fight the hounds and win. And Merdon would need to drag him, bleeding and unable to walk, to the crystal cave to heal for many days. Thallirin chose to carry his scars as a reminder of what was lost to them. Merdon chose to do whatever was necessary to keep Thallirin from final death to honor Oelm.”
I wasn’t sure what to think of Shax’s story. Was I just another Thallirin to Merdon? But why? Merdon didn’t know my story. He didn’t know who I’d wronged. Why had he stepped in to save me from the infected during the breach? Why had he caught me when I’d jumped from the roof?
Shax and I stopped in my backyard before I had any answers to my questions.
“Thank you for sharing their story.”
“You’re welcome. Go inside where it’s warm. Angel is looking forward to practice tomorrow.”
I nodded and gave him a small wave as I headed inside.
Merdon and Emily were in the kitchen. She was at the stove, and he stood near the end of the island where he could cross his arms and glare his disapproval of me at close range. I ignored him and gave Emily a small smile as I took off my boots.
“It smells good in here. Like something sweet.” My nose was still too cold to identify the almost forgotten smell.
“I have some hot chocolate for you.”
“Hot chocolate?”
“Yep. Made from a real packet, so it should taste good.”
My mouth watered, and she poured a cup for me as soon as I had my jacket off. I wrapped my fingers around the mug and shivered at the warmth.
“I have food, too, if you want. I saved some of what we had for lunch, and dinner’s almost done, too. I wasn’t sure how hungry you’d be.”
My stomach growled greedily in response to the idea that I’d be able to eat the meal I’d missed.
With his next words, Merdon ruined the bubble of happiness.
“It doesn’t matter what she wants,” he said. “Sit and eat, Hannah.”
I didn’t miss the look Emily shot him or the increasing anger in his scowl when I didn’t immediately jump to follow his order.
“Would it be all right if I eat the leftovers while waiting for dinner?” I asked, choosing to remain focused on Emily.
“Of course. Have a seat. I’ll warm it up for you.”
I sat, sipped my cocoa greedily while trying not to burn my tongue, and watched her take a covered plate from the fridge. Merdon stalked around the counter and joined me. I pretended not to notice.
“What did everyone think of lunch?” I asked.
She flashed me a quick smile.
“I’ll tell you after you try it for yourself.”
“Are you going to tell me what it is?”
“Nope. But I think you’ll know when you see it.”
She pulled the plate from the microwave and set it before me. I started salivating at the sight of Shepard’s Pie. Without needing to be coaxed, I dug in.
“So good,” I said around a hot mouthful.
“Merdon liked it too,” Emily said.
The fey beside me grunted.
“No corn?” I asked, digging in for another bite. I knew people made it differently, but my mom had always made ours with corn.
“Fey aren't a fan of tomato-based dishes or corn. Since meat is coveted by both sides right now, I'm trying to stick with meat-centric dishes.”
“This definitely works. I can’t imagine anyone saying ‘no’ to this.”
She grinned.
“Great. I hope you like dinner just as much.”
The feel of Merdon’s stare didn’t diminish the pleasure of eating one of my favorite meals. In fact, the growing intensity of his scowl as I made yum-yum sounds only enhanced the experience.
How Shax honestly believed that Merdon wanted me was beyond baffling. Anyone with eyes could see that Merdon was in a constant state of disapproval every time he looked at me. Yet, there were moments when he was almost nice. I would never understand his mercurial moods even if I tried, so I didn’t bother. I just enjoyed my meal.
The oven beeped as I finished my last bite, and Emily pulled out another dish. Pot roast with carrots and potatoes.
“These meals are going to be a hit. You’re using all the comfort foods that they would have a hard time making for themselves with the supplies they have.” I paused for a moment as what I’d just said sunk in. “Do you think it will do the opposite of what you’re hoping to accomplish?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, you want to give the fey an opportunity to talk to women, but you are also working on building a bridge between the two towns. What if these generous meals are taken as a display of abundance and that we’re not sharing?” I rested my chin in my hand and considered our options. “I think we should do something more than dinners. Something where both genders can benefit. If you want to build bridges, go all-in.”
Emily was watching me with a slightly stunned look on her face.
“It’ll be okay,” I reassured her. “If we talk to Matt about our concern, he’ll help us find a solution, and he’ll back us. He wants his people fed, too. And the more survivors from Tenacity who come over to Team Fey, the more people there will be to go on supply runs for Tenacity. That means more food for both settlements. So it’s a win-win all around.”
“You want to help with this?” she asked. “Help me talk to Matt?”
I thought about it for a minute. I hated the idea that I’d created another perception for myself, the mean one that Merdon kept shoving in my face. How many fake smiles had I thrown out thinking I was so smart just to have everyone see through them? I didn’t want to be that fake person anymore. I wanted to be helpful. Useful. Needed. Mostly, I wanted to be liked again.
“I think I do. Is that okay?”
She smiled, looking a little close to tears, and nodded.
“No,” Merdon said abruptly. “This morning proved you’re not ready. Leave your plate and get downstairs.”
I whirled on him.
“What is your problem? Why can’t you just be nice for one damn minute?”
He bared his teeth and slowly leaned toward me. I wasn’t intimidated. I was too mad for that.
“You don’t need nice. If you did, you’d be with Shax. Are you going downstairs, or do you need help?”
“Merdon,” Emily said, “she just—”
He held up his hand, demanding her silence, his gaze never leaving mine.
“Fine. Downstairs time. Nice scratch on your face, by the way,” I said before turning my back on him.
The smack across my ass robbed me of breath, and I faltered a step.
“Merdon!”
Emily’s gasp of outrage fueled my anger. Without looking back, I continued to the basement.
Merdon didn’t immediately follow
me. I could hear the murmur of their voices overhead as I paced the mat. I was tired of his attitude and spankings. I was also tired in general and knew he’d have me shaking with exhaustion with no energy to eat.
He came down the steps on quiet feet, watching me closely.
“Wasn’t this morning’s impromptu session enough for today?”
“No.” He began to crouch.
I marched over to him and grabbed his face. It wasn’t an aggressive hold but an insistent one. I didn’t want to end up face down on the mat.
“I’ve been humiliated twice today, yelled at, and guilted more times than I can count. I’ve cried, I’ve been angry, and I’ve been more thoughtful than I have been in a long time. I’m physically and emotionally wrung out. Please, don’t do this. I really don’t want to miss out on Emily’s pot roast because I’d rather sleep than eat when you’re done with me.”
The muscle in his jaw twitched under my palm as I waited for his response. His fingers circled my wrists and gently tugged my hands free of his skin.
“No more spanking,” he said softly.
My lips started to lift in a grateful smile.
“Biting only. I will try to break the skin.”
“What!”
The word barely escaped my mouth before he crouched once more. I scrambled away, my brain chanting “oh-shit, oh-shit, oh-shit” as I realized the severity of my situation. Biting had been scary before. Knowing that he now wanted to draw blood was beyond terrifying. The sound of my heart thundered in my ears as I fought to control my panic so I could focus.
Merdon circled me slowly. I didn’t take my eyes off of him. When he lunged at me, I tumbled into a roll and popped up on the other side, already putting distance between us. He grunted and backed off, only to charge at me anew.
Again and again, he came at me, a relentless assault that wore me down. It didn’t take long before I was panting and struggling to stay out of his grasp. Aches and cramps tweaked my muscles, slowing me further. I knew landing on the mat was inevitable, and my mind raced with possible ways to avoid a bite after he brought me down.
The planning saved me more times than I cared to admit. One of the times, I managed a palm thrust under his chin, which made his teeth slip from my skin and clack together before he could draw blood. I throat punched him another time, which made him snarl at me that I couldn’t depend on pain to stop an infected.
The comment brought me to a complete halt.
“You’re right. But I can depend on you and all the other fey to stop them. So all of this is pointless. I’m going upstairs for pot roast while I can still walk.”
I turned my back on him. It was a calculated risk after the spanking he’d delivered on the way down to the basement. But he let me walk away without any retribution. Well, it was more of a gimp than a walk.
Only the lingering smell of beef bolstered my energy enough to make it up the stairs. Emily was reading a book on the couch; but when she heard me, she popped up and took the foil-wrapped plates from the oven.
“You okay?” she asked sympathetically.
“He let me escape before he managed to draw blood, and I’m awake enough to eat. I’m great.”
No one spoke after that. She went back to her book, and I worked through my dinner. The meat was perfectly tender and flawlessly seasoned. I wanted to drink the gravy from my plate when I was done, but there wasn’t enough left. So I licked it clean instead.
I knew Merdon was watching me and didn’t care. When I finished, I used my sleeve to wipe any stray gravy from my face, thanked Emily for making a dinner that would give my mom’s a run for its money, and went upstairs.
Merdon didn’t need to tell me to shower. I could smell myself and knew one was needed. He left me alone as I stripped and didn’t stand guard as I started washing. I appreciated the small freedom immensely. Only the return of my razor would have topped it. I was starting to look a little sasquatchish.
With my hair piled on top of my head, it didn’t take me long to finish washing. I wrapped the towel around my torso and went out to the main room to dig something clean out of the closet. The room was already dark, and Merdon sat in his usual spot in the chair beside the bed. Like he’d done another time, he had clothes laid out for me.
What was with his helpfulness at times and not at others?
“Thank you,” I said, grabbing the underwear.
He grunted and looked away as I slid the garment on under the towel. I tugged the shirt over my head, covering all of my important bits, before removing the towel and putting on the shorts.
“Do you regret it?” I asked as I crawled under the covers.
“Regret what?”
“Your part in what happened with Oelm.”
Merdon was silent for so long that I thought he wouldn’t answer. When he did, I wasn’t prepared for the pain in his voice.
“Every day.”
Katie’s pleading gaze moments before I released her haunted my sleep. The terror I felt running away from her consumed each breath. The smell of her rot when she found her way home days later clogged my nose. The wrongness of her once beautiful hair and the jerky way she moved wrapped around me in an inescapable blanket.
The dreams battered me as they shifted from one to the next in such vivid detail. I didn’t see them for what they were; memories of a past I desperately wanted to forget. Instead, I sank into each moment, and the terror built, bleeding out into the real world.
I woke with a scream as I pulled the knife from my sister’s decaying flesh. The twisted sheets clung to my sweat-dampened skin while I fought my way free of them. The need to run, to hide, rode me hard.
“You’re safe,” a voice said softly. “There’s nothing here to harm you.”
Half falling out of bed, I scrambled toward the sound and crawled into Merdon’s lap. His arms wrapped around me, and his hand smoothed over my curls. I trembled and struggled to breathe quietly. Despite his assurance, I was still afraid of being heard.
Gradually, the dream released me enough for me to understand I’d been reliving my hell again.
“I can’t keep doing this,” I whispered.
“You can.”
“You don’t know. You don’t understand. I can’t.”
I pressed closer to him, desperately wishing I could hide from the pain.
“Then make me understand.”
The words were a challenge. I thought of Oelm’s death and Merdon’s painful admission of regret. Brenna’s advice to share the pain circled in my head. Was that really what I needed?
“I killed my sister,” I said before I could stop myself. “The infected were chasing us. She couldn’t keep up. I tried to pull her along, but she fell.” The pain in my chest grew, and tears started raining down my cheeks all over again. “I ran. I could have tried to pick her up or to find something to protect us, but I left her. I can still hear her screaming my name and the sounds of the infected as they ate her.”
I wiped the snot from my nose and made myself continue.
“She found me a few days later in the same house we’d been using. I killed her with a knife.” I lifted my clean hand. “It feels like the blood is still here. I can feel its stickiness and the way the tissue clung to the blade as I yanked it out of her mouth.”
I lifted my head and looked him in the eyes.
“I killed my sister. How do I live with that?”
“You would both be dead if you hadn’t run. Your sister wouldn’t have wanted that.”
“My sister wouldn’t have wanted to be bitten, turned, and killed by me.”
“Guilt fades with time. You will learn to live with your past just as I have.”
That was it? Live with what I’d done? What the hell did he think I’d been trying to do?
I scrambled off his lap.
“Get out.”
“No.”
“I told you everything like you wanted. You’ve nailed my window shut and taken away everything sharp. There’s no r
eason for you to be in here anymore. Get out.”
He leaned forward in his chair, bracing his elbows on his knees.
“Get back in bed and go to sleep, or we go down to the basement.”
“God, I hate you.”
“I know.”
I crawled back into bed and glared at the window. I was so stupid for listening to Brenna and Shax. Merdon didn’t have it in him to be nice. He was nothing but an asshole.
Chapter Twenty-One
The snick of the door, just after dawn, pulled me out of an unintended doze. Thinking it was Emily coming into my room to speak with Merdon, I waited. Several long moments of silence passed before I gave in and twisted around to see what was happening.
Merdon’s chair was empty.
Why leave now? Since I’d crawled back into bed, he’d been staring at me like a pain-in-the-ass hall monitor. And, I knew he hadn’t slept because I’d watched him just as closely as he’d watched me. Or, at least, I had until exhaustion pulled me under shortly before dawn.
It didn’t bode well for me that he’d waited for me to pass out before sneaking away. I realized he was probably going to relay everything I told him to Emily, and I began to panic. She’d kick me out, and I’d be forced to live in a house with Merdon, alone and in hell for the rest of my life.
I slithered from the bed and crept toward the door. Or, rather, I tried to. Everything felt weird. Not only in the way the room seemed to spin and twirl but how my movements were uncoordinated and slow. I was running on too little sleep because of last night.
I shook my head, trying to wake myself some more, then slowly and noiselessly let myself into the hall. Emily’s door was closed. I didn’t hear anything from her room, but I did hear the low rumble of Merdon’s voice coming from the kitchen.
Knowing he had sharp hearing, I descended the steps to midway, stopping close enough to just make out words.
“…rough night. How is she doing?” Emily asked.
“She’s restless.”
“I hope that doesn’t mean taking her to the basement again. I can’t stand hearing you spank her or her yelps when you bite her. It’s breaking my heart.”