To Be a Mother

by Rebecca Winters

  “Mom understands completely if you say no. She said the way her parents treated you was so unforgivable, she’s not assuming anything. It’s just that she wanted me to know she’d rather be with me than anything else this coming holiday.”

  Nick stifled a groan. He had to admit there’d been a time when he’d considered the Brettons’ actions inhuman.

  Nevertheless, having been a parent himself for thirteen years, and especially now that Jessica was a teenager, he understood to a greater extent where they’d been coming from when they’d learned their seventeen-year-old, not even out of high school yet, was pregnant.

  These days Nick didn’t see life in black-and-white, the way he once had. The fact that Sam had chosen to seek out her daughter whether her parents cared or not proved how independent she’d become.

  It also indicated that her brush with death had softened their hearts to the extent they would welcome Jessica into their home, if only for their daughter’s sake. The love of a child made you do a lot of things you never thought you would.

  “Is your mother still on the phone?”

  “No. She had to get off. Tomorrow she’s got a big case to present in court, and she needs to work on it. Because she stayed over to be with me an extra night, she’ll be up late preparing.”

  “What kind of case?” he asked before he could stop himself.

  Jessica told him what she’d learned from Sam. “Next week Mom’s going to bring me some copies of decisions she has won for the federation. I can use them to help document next month’s school article on the ESA. She knows a ton of stuff, Dad. It’s fantastic!”

  It was fantastic all right. Fantastic that until ten days ago his cousins and their kids had made up the sum total of Jessica’s family. With Sam’s phone call, that world had expanded to include grandparents and great-grandparents.

  Nick would have given anything if his own parents could have raised him and had the opportunity to know Jessica. So how could he deny her the experience of meeting her flesh and blood from Sam’s side of the family?

  “If you want to plan to spend Thanksgiving with her, it’s fine with me, honey.”

  “You’re the best, Dad.” She gave him a hug. “Mom will pay for my flight to Denver and back.”

  He stiffened. “I think I can afford to send my daughter on a trip.”

  “Mom said she knew you would say that. She hopes you’ll let her do it because it would make her feel more like a parent and she loves the feeling.”

  Sam had the knack of getting to him and breaking down his defenses the way no one else could except his own daughter.

  When he’d first seen Sam in the student center on campus, she’d had freshman written all over her. For several days he’d fought his instant attraction to her, yet that hadn’t put her off. She’d seen it as a challenge. Who else would have used such a forceful approach and simply drop all her books next to his chair?

  Her phone call on Halloween had had the effect of those heavy texts, exploding like a hundred-ton bomb when they reached the floor of the quiet library. Boom! There she was in his face again, up close and personal.

  He remembered her words—“I’ve battled with cancer and have won this round, Nick. Will you let me see my daughter?” It had been a fait accompli before he could think of an exit strategy.

  If she handled herself in court the same way, the opposition didn’t stand a chance. No one did, least of all their vulnerable daughter, who was more like her mother than either of them knew.

  Only now was Nick beginning to realize just how similar.

  AN ODD NOVEMBER warm spell prompted Samantha’s rowing instructor to get everyone out on Coeur D’Alene lake for one more session before class resumed in the spring. The sun at high noon kept the chill out of the air, but the denuded trees let them know autumn was fast fading into winter.

  Samantha hadn’t thought she would live to see another one. At this time last year she’d had no hope of meeting her daughter in the flesh. She’d assumed that opportunity would have to wait until the next life.

  Now, unbelievably, she was flying to Jackson Hole tomorrow afternoon to be with her adorable Jessica. Nick would be there!

  The following weekend she would be taking her daughter to Denver to meet the family. While they were in Colorado, Samantha intended to show her all around the college town of Fort Collins, an hour’s drive from Denver.

  While she was counting her blessings, she heard the instructor say, “We’re coming in to shore. Secure your oars.”

  In a few minutes everyone had climbed out of the boat and said their goodbyes until next year. Samantha drove Marilyn back to the hospital, where she worked in the pharmacy.

  Before her friend got out of the car she turned to Samantha. “I’ll be in front of your condo tomorrow at one to take you to the airport.”

  “Thanks a million, Marilyn.”

  “You don’t need to thank me. I’m so grateful Reed is giving you the time off to come to Phoenix after Thanksgiving, you’ll never know. If you’re there for the first week, I feel like I can make it through.”

  “Of course you’re going to make it through! You’re a survivor like me!” She’d decided to take the pastor’s words to heart. Think of this as permanent remission.

  They stared at each other. “Those are beautiful words, Samantha Bretton. Wouldn’t it be amazing if it were true? I’d love to get to know that daughter of yours.”

  Samantha brushed tears from her eyes. “You will. I promise.”

  “I’ll hold that thought.”

  Once her friend got out of the car, Samantha headed to work without stopping at the condo to change clothes. Since she didn’t have to see a client until tomorrow morning, she could hibernate in her office for the rest of the day. There was a lot of paperwork to finish up. More importantly, she’d promised Jessica some material for her next school newspaper article.

  Ever since she’d learned that Nick had given his permission for their daughter to go to Denver, Samantha’s feet hadn’t touched the ground.

  Before her transplant, she’d bared her soul to her parents where Jessica was concerned. They’d wept tears to realize she’d suffered for so long in silence.

  Then the truth came out that they too had grieved, because she was never the same Samantha after that. Their fear grew when none of her relationships with men worked out.

  That conversation had acted as a catharsis for her pain. Samantha had learned that her parents had done a lot of soul searching in private. They’d worried about causing irreconcilable damage by forcing her to give up her baby.

  Though she’d assured them it had been her decision when all was said and done, they’d still blamed themselves.

  Now that they knew she’d had contact with Jessica, and could see the joy it brought her, they not only accepted this new state of affairs, they were excited and eager to meet their only grandchild. They’d even gone so far as to suggest Samantha invite Nick, too.

  Much as she would love to do that, Samantha felt she couldn’t. She’d already asked too much of him. Besides everything else, the history between her parents and Nick had all been negative.

  Though she already considered him the man she most admired on this earth, her regard for him knew no bounds because he was unselfish enough to let Jessica spend the holiday away from him. Just contemplating his first Thanksgiving without her had to be a wrenching experience.

  That’s how she knew what a fabulous parent he was. He put Jessica’s happiness and welfare above his own. Samantha could only hope she would always do the same, consciously or otherwise.

  TWENTY-FOUR HOURS LATER she drove her rental car into Nick’s driveway. She’d bought the best baby back ribs she could get from the butcher in Jackson. Now she and Jessica could cook up a storm before they had to be at the high school at seven.

  While she was opening the trunk, Nick came out the front door dressed in jeans and a dark-green polo shirt defining his broad shoulders. She was so surprised
to see him, she found herself staring and had to look away.

  “Hello, Nick.” The words sounded breathless, even to her ears.

  “Hi. How was your flight?”

  “Less bumpy than last time. The weather seems as clear here as in Coeur D’Alene.”

  “It’s been beautiful the last two days. Perfect for tonight’s party. Jessica will be relieved to know you made it on time. Her bus hasn’t pulled up yet. Let me help you with those groceries.”

  “Thank you,” she whispered. He carried the sacks in the house. With her heart thudding, she followed him into the kitchen. After removing her jacket, she put it over one of the chairs. “Do you mind if I get started cooking? The ribs will take a couple of hours.”

  “I’ll help you. What do you need?”

  “A big roasting pan and a large bowl to mix the barbecue sauce.”

  He pulled the items from the cupboard. “How high do you want the oven?”

  “Three hundred fifty degrees.”

  “Done. What else can I do?”

  Go away, Nick.

  He wasn’t supposed to be here. She couldn’t handle it when he was this close to her. It brought back too many memories. From the first moment she’d seen him, she’d wanted him in all the ways a woman could want a man. That hadn’t changed.

  He smelled good, just the way he used to. He looked good. In fact he looked so much better than good, either he needed to leave right now or she did. This house, this village, this state wasn’t big enough to hold both of them. Not the way she was feeling.

  “Mom?” Jessica came bursting into the kitchen from the front door. Sam had been laying out the ribs in the pan. She turned to hug her daughter without using her hands. They both laughed.

  “Dad! What are you doing home this early?” Jessica left her mother’s arms to give her father a kiss on the cheek. He’d been lounging against the counter with his arms folded, watching Samantha.

  “Today I made a concerted effort to be here in case your bus was late.”

  “It took forever. As soon as I wash my hands, I’ll be in to start the cake.”

  The minute Jessica left the kitchen Nick said, “What time does your plane leave on Sunday?”

  Sam’s hand shook as she poured the vinegar into the cup. With that one question, she knew he wanted to know her plans because he’d made some of his own. Big ones, depending on Samantha’s cooperation. The lucky, lucky woman, whoever she was.

  Don’t worry, Nick. I’m going to help you out.

  “I have to be at the airport at noon, so I’ll bring Jessica back here at eleven-thirty. Between now and then I’ll try to take perfect care of her, so please feel free to do whatever you want.”

  For some reason her comment seemed to annoy him, because she could feel a certain tension coming from him. “Jessica can always reach me on my cell phone.”

  “Of course.” Sam opened a couple cans of tomatoes. Why didn’t he say this to their daughter? What was he hanging around the kitchen for?

  “When are you going to tell her you’re recovering from cancer?”

  She slowly lifted her head to look at him. So that’s why he lingered. He was worried about Jessica’s reaction. Naturally he was. Sam had been worrying about it, too.

  “I’d planned to have a talk with her after we dropped Cory off at his parents on Sunday morning, but if you don’t think it’s a good time, please tell me.”

  He pursed his lips. “There’s no good time to have a serious conversation like that.”

  Jessica had to be told at some point, and he obviously wanted to be there for her because it’s the way he was made.

  “I tell you what. Sunday morning I’ll casually suggest Jessica phone to let you know what time to expect her. That way I’ll find out whether some emergency cropped up that prevented you from being available. If that’s the case, I won’t say anything to her until I’m sure you’ll be there to talk to after I’ve gone, even if it means I have to stay at Grayson’s until Monday before flying back to Coeur D’Alene.”

  He rubbed the back of his neck. “I don’t anticipate anything preventing me from being at the house when you bring her home, but—”

  “But we both know the unexpected can happen,” she interjected. “Last week that semi tried to tunnel through the visitors’ center, and you had to be gone all night helping with the cleanup. I understand. So if anything else unforeseen should arise, be assured I’ll take care of her.”

  Nick started to say something, but Jessica chose that moment to come back to the kitchen, ready to get busy cooking. His pewter eyes sent Samantha a private thank-you.

  You don’t need to thank me for anything, Nick. She knew how much love and concern he had for their daughter.

  More than ever Samantha realized the sacrifice he’d made to let her into Jessica’s life. It had been a huge risk that opened all of them up to more hurt and pain, depending on how everything was handled. Yet he’d been willing to do this for Jessica’s sake. Samantha’s heart ached with love for him.

  Their daughter walked him to the door leading to the garage. While he gave her a big hug goodbye she said, “Have fun with Gilly, Dad. Don’t worry about Mom and me.”

  Gilly. What a cute name. No doubt the other woman lived up to it, otherwise Nick wouldn’t be interested.

  Stop it, Samantha. What Nick did or didn’t do had nothing to do with her. She’d lived without him for thirteen years. She could live without him for thirteen more, and thirteen more after that.

  “I’d love to be a fly on the wall when you play your duet.”

  His comment produced a broad smile on Jessica’s face. “Nobody knows we’re going to do it. We’ll perform last. I can’t wait!”

  “You can tell me all about it on Sunday.”

  “I promise!”

  Samantha refused to watch him leave. It was bad enough he was taking her heart with him. When she heard the garage door open she turned to Jessica. “I forgot that I parked the car in the driveway.”

  “Don’t worry, Mom. It’s on the side behind the truck. He takes the Xtera when he goes on a date.”

  “Do you like this Gilly?” Samantha could have bitten her tongue off for asking the question, but it came out of her mouth before she could prevent it.

  “Yes. She’s really cute.”

  Nick didn’t date cute little freshman girls. Sure he didn’t.

  It was a good thing Samantha had chosen that moment to pour the contents of the bowl over the ribs because it slipped from her hands. No harm done, thank goodness.

  “H-has he been dating her for a while?” she stammered before putting the pan in the oven.

  “No.” Jessica got the eggs out of the fridge. “He took her out for the first time on Monday when he went over to Yellowstone on business.”

  Samantha’s pulse rocketed. Monday was his first time with the other woman?

  “She’s a ranger who transferred there from Teton Park after a maniac ranger named Dave Cracroft started harassing her.”

  “Ooh. That doesn’t sound good.”

  “He’s in jail right now waiting to stand trial.”

  “You’re kidding!”

  “Nope. He tried to kill Pierce and could have killed Dad at the same time because they were both together when Pierce got shot. It was right after a tornado swept through part of the park.”

  A shudder rocked Samantha’s body.

  “You can’t believe all the terrible things that happened. Dave tried to get Leslie to go out with him. Then Pierce fired him and everything went wrong.”

  For the next little while Samantha listened in fascination and horror as her daughter recounted the events surrounding their lives. That horror intensified when she heard about the manhunt for Cracroft, who needed psychiatric help, and how Pierce had captured him.

  There was an incident with a grizzly bear in the Teton high country that almost took Dave’s leg off. Nick had fired the shot to bring the bear down. Leslie, a former photojournalist, had
caught the whole thing on film. The thought of the danger they’d all been in made Samantha shiver again.

  “Dave was jealous of Pierce. He accused him of being interested in Gilly and getting her transferred from the park. But Pierce loved his first wife, who’d died in a plane crash, and he never liked any other woman until Leslie came to work as Cory’s nanny.”

  Samantha had already learned how Leslie had ended up in the Tetons. While in hiding from her stalker ex-fiancé, who was a psychopath, she’d fallen in love with Pierce.

  Attempting to digest everything Jessica had just told her, Samantha couldn’t understand why Nick had waited until last week to start dating the female ranger. If she was so cute, what had taken him so long to ask her out?

  For that matter, why wasn’t he married? It should have happened a long time ago.

  Then she gave a self-deprecating laugh. People had asked her the same question, not only to her face but behind her back. “Why haven’t you found a wonderful husband by now? Why is a lovely, intelligent woman like you still alone?”

  Samantha knew exactly why she hadn’t settled down and never would. She was doomed to love one man who wasn’t available to her. That wasn’t the case with Nick.

  The more Samantha thought about it, the more she decided Nick had stayed single because the love he and their daughter shared was enough. When he wanted a woman like this Gilly, he didn’t have to marry her to satisfy his needs.

  Nick Kincaid was the kind of man who would always have his pick of women, if that was his desire. But it was obvious he had never let an outside relationship, no matter how intense or involved, infringe on the life he’d built with Jessica.

  Maybe he was waiting until their daughter got married before he decided to take a wife. That made the most sense. Nick had a scientific mind. He was a methodical man, the kind who planned and met his goals, never deviating from a course once it was set.