Fire Down Below

by Andrea Simonne

  I began to walk around the house looking out each window. I felt sad, but at the same time I knew that I was only twenty-two years old and I wasn’t ready for a lifelong commitment. As bizarre as it sounds, deep down, I even felt a strange sort of relief. I can do whatever I want now. I’m free to go to school. I’m free to meet new people. I wouldn’t have the pressure weighing down on me always feeling like I have to please Ben.

  He returned from wherever he’d gone to well after midnight. I listened as he came into the bedroom, fumbling around in the dark, kicking his shoes off. I began to wonder if maybe he’d changed his mind, that maybe he’d realized it didn’t have to be all or nothing. He didn’t say anything though, but climbed into bed right beside me. I moved towards him. It was then that I noticed he smelled like alcohol and, as I peered at him, I realized he was already asleep. I shook his shoulder trying to wake him, but he didn’t rouse in the least bit, in fact he had that deep wet breathing of someone who was passed out drunk. This pierced my heart more than anything and I started crying all over again. I’d never seen Ben drunk before. Not ever. I could only imagine what sort of horrible shape he must have been in to actually go sit in a bar somewhere and drink himself into oblivion.

  ***

  The drive back to Seattle the next morning was the worst three hours I’ve ever spent in a car in my life. I was hoping it would give us a chance to clear things up, but every time I tried to say anything he’d only turn the music up louder. And to make it all that much worse he kept playing Blood Sugar Sex Magik. It felt like an exorcism, like he wanted to throw it on the fire along with everything else.

  Ben had barely spoken two words since we’d woken up that morning. I felt guilty when I saw that he had a terrible hangover. I watched as he rooted around in the cabinet for a bottle of aspirin and then stood at the kitchen sink drinking glass after glass of water. I tried to speak to him. I told him I thought we should talk, but he shook his head.

  “There’s nothing more to say.” He wouldn’t even look at me when he spoke, but stared out the window.

  Finally we got back to the city and he drove me directly to my house. He pulled my bags out and carried them up the front steps, and as he started to walk away, I grabbed his arm. I thought he’d pull away, but he stopped and stood there gazing at the sky.

  I waited until he turned to look at me for the first time. Our eyes met and when I saw the coldness in his, all the things that were bottled up inside of me that I’d been trying to say for the last few hours died. We simply stood there, our eyes locked on each other, and then wordlessly he turned and walked away. That was the last time I saw or spoke to Ben.

  Not that I didn’t think of going to see him or of trying to call because I did constantly, but something always stopped me. I felt sad in a way I never had before. It was like a part of my heart had been crushed beyond repair. I cried for weeks and weeks. Life was a misery and I wondered if I’d ever feel normal again.

  Eventually I began to feel something else though. Anger. I felt angry because, frankly, I didn’t deserve to be treated this way. He’d told me I was selfish, but who was really the selfish one here? The more I thought about it, the more pissed off I felt. Ben only wanted things his own way. It was all or nothing. Was it really so wrong that I wanted to go to a prestigious art school? Was it so wrong that I simply wasn’t ready for marriage? The truth is I would never have treated Ben the way he was treating me. He’d made a decision about his own life, but he’d also made one about mine when he hadn’t any right to.

  Chapter Eight

  The Present Day….

  About a half hour before my lunch with Ben, Declan stands in my office doorway studying me.

  “Are you all right?”

  I glance over at him and try to smile. “Don’t I look all right?”

  “Truthfully, you look a little pale. I came down to tell you that I hope you have a nice time today, but you don’t seem quite well.”

  I shrug. “I found out Ben is married or at least engaged.”

  Declan nods. “So that’s it. You were expecting certain things from this reunion after all?”

  “I guess. It was so long ago that we dated and the whole thing blew up in my face in the end. Still, I thought it seemed fated when we ran into each other.” I sigh. “Now I’m thinking maybe I should cancel out altogether.”

  Declan comes in and sits down on the edge of my desk. “Don’t do that. At least meet with him. Otherwise you’ll regret it.”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Hey, if you want I’ll even come along with you and pretend I’m your husband.”

  I smile, picturing Declan and I as husband and wife. “Yeah, that would be something.”

  “We’ll say we’ve just gotten back from our around-the-world honeymoon. Then whenever he talks about himself, we’ll rudely interrupt with stories from our trip—Darlin’ remember that Snack Shack just outside Mumbai? That was the best vindaloo ever!”

  I giggle. “Maybe.”

  “I’ll even bring photos of my two nieces and we can say they’re our children.”

  “But how can we have children if we were just married?”

  “Em...you may have a point there.”

  “Also aren’t your nieces half Guatemalan?”

  “Chile. My brother-in-law is from Chile.”

  “Well, how do we explain that?”

  “I know,” Declan snaps his fingers. “We’ll tell him that we adopted them during our honeymoon!”

  I laugh, nodding with approval.

  “See that.” He flashes me a wolfish grin. “He’ll be impressed with how socially evolved, yet trendy and chic, we both are. So what do you say?”

  “Okay, I’ll go and meet him for lunch.”

  “Glad to hear it.” He looks at me. “Seriously Kate, you’re beautiful and successful and you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of. Ever. Remember that.”

  Our eyes stay connected and my stomach feels sort of quivery. I look away figuring it’s nerves about my lunch with Ben resurfacing.

  “I should probably get ready,” I say, reaching down for my bag. “Got to make sure I’m appropriately glammed up to appear trendy and chic.”

  ***

  When I arrive at Mamacita’s there are a lot of people waiting for a table. I check if Ben is among them, but don’t notice him anywhere. I wander through the restaurant, and just as I’m ready to go out front again, I see him. He’s sitting at a corner booth reading paperwork. When he looks up and our eyes meet, a shock passes through me. For a moment neither of us moves. We stare at each other like a scene from a movie where all the background noise fades away and it’s only the two people caught in a still frame. But then Ben breaks into a smile, and I smile too as I begin walking towards him.

  “Kate! I’m glad you found me. When you were late I worried you might not have thought to check back here, but obviously you did.”

  “Sorry, am I late?” I sit down opposite him and glance at my phone to see that it’s five past noon. I don’t really consider five minutes as being late, but then I remember what a stickler Ben was about stuff like this. “It’s really crowded out there. How did you manage to get a table so quickly?”

  He looks embarrassed. “I got here early. I had some reading to do and I figured I might as well do it here while I was waiting.”

  It strikes me that he’s nervous. As a result I don’t feel nervous at all anymore, though I have to admit I can’t take my eyes off of him. He looks like he did years ago, but different too. He’s older obviously, and seems manlier somehow. Less like the young guy I used to know and more like a grown-up. I wonder if that’s how I seem to him too.

  “You look really great,” he says to me. “Your hair is different.”

  I start to laugh.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “It’s been a long time. There’s a lot more than my hair that’s different about me!”

  “I know,” Ben grins. “It has been a while.”
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  “You look great too.” And I’m not exaggerating here. If anything he looks better than he did when we were younger. His hair is a lot shorter, but it suits him, and he’s filled out more physically. Ben was always in good shape, but he looks particularly fit now.

  As we smile at each other a wave of familiarity washes over me and I remember him—really remember him. His earnest manner. His conscientiousness. The way Ben always took care of himself, worrying about his health and trying to get me to worry about mine. I remember how he used to get annoyed with me over what felt like nothing and how too often I felt like he was trying to change me. But then I also remember the sincerity in his voice every time he said I love you, and how he used to breathe my name during moments of ecstasy.

  I feel my pulse quicken and realize that I’ve missed him. A part of me still loves him. I should be surprised, but I’m not because I think deep down I’ve always known it. Gazing into Ben’s eyes I remember something else too—the way he cruelly dumped me. I don’t feel angry anymore, but I haven’t forgotten what he put me through.

  “So tell me what you do again, Kate? You said you were a website developer.”

  “That’s right.”

  I tell him about my job, about some of the various sites I’ve worked on. And then I begin to fill him in on all the other details of my life since I last saw him. It’s like I want him to know that I’ve been happy, that I’ve accomplished many of the goals I set out for myself. I tell him about getting accepted into Pratt, the excitement and craziness of living in New York, how I worked as an illustrator for a while and then got interested in the web. I tell him how when I came back to Seattle I had my pick of jobs, since there were so few people even trained for web design back then. And as I’m talking I realize that Declan is right. I’ve got nothing to be ashamed of.

  “What made you decide to come back though? I’m surprised you ever left New York.”

  “My dad had a heart attack.”

  Ben looks stunned. “I’m very sorry to hear that. Is he all right?”

  “He’s okay. He had to have surgery and that was scary, but he’s all right now. He’s had to make a lot of lifestyle changes though. When I came back I realized how much I missed it here and decided to stay.”

  The truth is, and what I didn’t tell Ben was, that I never felt completely at ease living in New York. I always found the general gruffness of most New Yorkers unnerving. Even after I realized that’s how people are and they didn’t mean anything by it, I still felt uncomfortable. I guess I was used to Seattle where people are almost painfully polite to one another. In the end I realized that every city has its own melody and as far as the melody of Manhattan went I was always off key.

  Our waiter appears asking us if we’re ready to order. Luckily, I don’t even need a menu, since I know all the food here by heart. Ben holds up his empty beer bottle and orders another Corona. I notice that he’s not wearing a wedding band, though I’m not quite sure what this means. I’m also very surprised to see him drinking, which must have shown on my face because Ben gives me a wink.

  “I’m not quite the hard-ass I used to be,” he says.

  “I see that.”

  We both order lunch and when Ben orders vegetarian enchiladas, specifying that he prefers whole black beans and no cheese, I have to smile because clearly in some ways he hasn’t changed. I, of course, order beef and cheese enchiladas specifying that I definitely want refried beans and that they can give me all his extra cheese. After he leaves, Ben and I turn back to each other.

  “So,” I say. “What have you been up to? The last time I saw you, you were so sure about law school, but that obviously changed.”

  “Yeah, that’s true. Things changed a lot after we...broke up.” He glances at me, but then looks away. “A few weeks afterward some people I knew from the Mountaineers were going to France to climb Mount Blanc and so I went with them. After the climb I decided I wasn’t ready to come back to the states, so I stayed there for a while. Eventually I had to leave though, since I couldn’t get a work visa.” He pauses. “At that point I’d met some other climbers that were going to Germany so I tagged along with them. To make a long story short, one of the guys I climbed with on the Matterhorn was a geologist, and as we got to know each other I became really interested in his work. In the end I decided to come back and go to school majoring in earth sciences.”

  “Out here?”

  “No, down in Eugene at the University of Oregon. Then I moved to Colorado and did my graduate work at CU in Boulder. I stayed in Colorado for about four years and then a couple years ago I got hired on with the US Geologic Survey office here in Seattle.”

  I picked up my glass of water, nodding my thanks at the waiter who had refilled it for me, and took a sip. “It sounds like you’ve been busy.”

  “You could say that. It’s been fun though.”

  “I take it you enjoy your job?”

  “I love it.”

  “I’m confused though. What exactly is it that you do?”

  Ben laughs. “Well, let’s see...I do a few different things, but mostly I work with city engineers. I also do freelance consulting work for a couple of private firms.”

  The waiter arrives with our food and we’re both silent as we begin to eat. The enchiladas are delicious and I realize I’ve been so nervous all morning that, except for those two gelato cones with Declan, this is the only real food I’ve eaten all day.

  “So Kate, now that we’ve exchanged résumés—how have you really been?”

  I smile at his candor, remembering that it was one of the things about Ben I always liked. I consider his question before answering.

  “I’ve been good,” I finally say. “There are still lots of things that I’d like to do and my life’s not perfect, but for the most part I’m happy.”

  “No regrets?”

  I notice the wry grin on his face.

  “No, I don’t have any regrets,” I say in an even voice. I’m hoping we can change the subject because the last thing I want to do is rehash our hellish break-up. “My mom told me that she heard you were engaged. Who’s the lucky girl?” I try to keep my tone light.

  Ben seems confused, but then laughs. “Let me guess, she heard that I was engaged from my mother, right?” He shakes his head. “I’m not engaged, in fact, I’m not even seeing anyone. Haven’t been for a while.” He looks directly at me when he says this.

  “Oh?” I pick up my water, wishing suddenly that I’d ordered a beer instead. My face feels hot and my nervousness has returned.

  “How about you? Are you involved with anyone right now?”

  “No,” I say, and to my horror my voice comes out in high pitched squeak. I clear my throat. “I’m not seeing anyone right now either.” I act as if I’m very interested in my food. The truth is I feel like I’m dancing on the edge of a precipice, wanting to fall in, but afraid.

  “Do you still paint?”

  I feel a pang of regret at Ben’s question. I miss painting. “Not in years, but I’ve decided to pick it up again recently. I’m starting a portrait of a friend tonight.”

  “Did you ever finish that painting you started of me?”

  A yelp of laughter escapes me. Years ago when we were still together I’d done the initial sketches for a painting of Ben. I sketched his face, but then as a joke, I also made a few sketches of his erect penis from memory. When I asked Ben if he’d like to see how the portrait was coming along, instead of showing him the sketches I’d done of his face, I showed him the other ones. He’d looked at them and without missing a beat said, “I think my ass is jealous of my dick.”

  “No,” I manage to say. “I never finished them.”

  Ben raises his eyebrows and grins at me. “As I recall, that was some fine work on your part.”

  “It was. I should have auctioned them at Sotheby’s.”

  “Hey, that was museum quality stuff. I’m thinking world tour, hitting all the major cities, starting with Paris.�
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  “They’ll be lining up around the block.”

  “Hell, we’ll be rich!”

  We’re both giggling like a couple of high school kids and I realize I’m having a pretty good time. Even after all these years Ben and I still have chemistry. Of course, I can’t help wondering if we still have chemistry in other ways too, though I’m trying not to let my mind wander there. It’s difficult considering the subject matter.

  “God, we were such kids back then, weren’t we?” he says, shaking his head. “I thought I had it all figured out, but I really didn’t know anything.”

  “I know.” And I get the feeling that there’s an apology in his words somewhere or at least I hope there is. “I think we both had a lot of things we needed to learn.”

  He smiles and his eyes are mischievous and sparkly. “This is fun. I’m glad we ran into each other.”

  “Yeah,” I say, returning his smile. “Me too.”

  ***

  Ben and I sit at Mamacita’s eating and talking for another two hours until he eventually looks down at his watch in alarm and says he has a meeting in Ballard in ten minutes.

  “I’m sorry I have to run like this. I didn’t realize it was so late.” He pulls his wallet out and lays a couple of twenties on the table. “What are you doing tonight? Can I see you again?” I pull my wallet out of my purse, but Ben’s already shaking his head at me. “I got it covered.”

  “Thanks, that’s nice of you.” I decide to be gracious and not force him to let me split the cost. “Actually I have that friend coming over tonight.”

  “Oh, that’s right. I forgot. How about tomorrow night?”

  I feel flattered at his enthusiasm. Ben was never one to hold back when he wanted something.

  “I can’t, I have a lot of work to catch up on this week.” This wasn’t entirely true, but I wanted some time to think about things, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to think clearly if I was around Ben every day.