Fire Down Below

by Andrea Simonne

  “What do you mean? You acted so eager after our lunch at Mamacita’s.”

  “I know.” He’s silent. “But you broke my heart once, Kate. I don’t know if I can go through that again.”

  I feel myself soften. He’s pushing all the right guilt buttons, that’s for sure, though I don’t know why I’m feeling guilty. My heart was broken too. I open my mouth to tell him this, but he leans over, his lips brushing mine.

  “I’m glad we’re together again,” he murmurs, kissing me softly. His fingertips move slowly down my body creating little sparks on my skin. My nipples harden and my breath quickens. The desire to talk is fading fast.

  I’m still aware that we’re naked and outside. Ben obviously doesn’t care though and I wonder if he sleeps out here a lot. It would be just like him. He’s like a dog that refuses to be kept indoors.

  “What are you thinking about?” he asks, sensing my distraction.

  “You. I was wondering if you sleep out here a lot.”

  He chuckles softly. “I do. Crazy huh? Sleeping on my deck. You’re finding out all my secrets tonight. I love sleeping under the stars.”

  “I don’t think I’ve ever slept under the stars.”

  “Are you serious?” Ben looks shocked. “Never?”

  I think about it. “I was a girl scout when I was a little kid. I remember going camping with them once and we slept outside, but that’s the only time.” What I don’t add is that I hated it. All the bugs and dirt. It was completely awful.

  “You were a girl scout? I’ll bet you were cute. But I can’t believe you haven’t gone camping since then.” He buries his face in my neck and murmurs. “We’ll have to fix that. I’d love to go camping and sleep under the stars with you in my arms every night.”

  My first thought is how on earth am I ever going to get out of going camping? But then I remember that I’m giving this relationship my all, that Ben might be The One. “Sounds great,” I say.

  “Really?” He strokes my cheek. “Let’s do it. We’ll go when I get back from California. I know a great spot that has some really easy hiking trails too.”

  “Okay.”

  He kisses me again, slow and deliberate, taking his time, running his tongue under the edge of my lips, slipping it into the corners of my mouth. I wrap myself around him, dizzy from wanting him again. He kisses my neck then rolls on top of me, and we make slow lazy love, nothing strenuous or awkward, no Kama Sutra, just Ben and me. I feel the past fade away in a smoky haze and the present is bright and clear. Opening my eyes there are stars overheard, and I have to admit the view is beautiful. I decide that I’m even looking forward to going camping with Ben.

  Sort of.

  Chapter Thirteen

  I wake up to the smell of salty sea air and the sun hot on my skin. At first I’m confused where I am, but then I remember that I slept at Ben’s. It only takes another second for the panic to set in when I realize that with some of the buildings nearby anyone with a passing interest could see me lying here naked.

  “Aaaah!” I yelp and grab the comforter, throwing it over myself. Frantically I search for Ben, but he’s not out here. Getting up, I wrap the comforter around myself and head inside, noticing that my thighs are sore, not to mention certain other parts of my anatomy.

  His apartment feels cool and I hear noises coming from the direction of the kitchen. When I find Ben he’s standing shirtless in front of a large blender filled with fruit. He’s wearing a pair of grey UW insignia sweat pants and peeling bananas.

  “Hey, look who’s up!” Our eyes meet and the details of last night come flooding back to me, leaving a warm glow in their wake.

  “Good morning.” I smile.

  He comes over and kisses me, tasting sweet like fruit. “How was your first night sleeping under the stars?”

  “It was perfect,” I say, reaching for the rest of the banana in his hand. Self-conscious of morning breath, I pop a piece into my mouth. He watches me, looking pleased.

  “I’m making breakfast smoothies.” He moves back over to the blender. “Afterward I was thinking of going for a run down near the water—care to join me?”

  I settle myself on one of the tall chairs near his kitchen counter, tucking the comforter around me like a cocoon. “I’m sorry, but I can’t. I’m expected over at my parent’s house. I usually go over there on Sundays and I told them I’d drop by today.”

  He shrugs. “How about I go with you?”

  I’m taken aback for a second. “Really?”

  “Yeah, it’ll be good to see your parents again.” He grimaces. “Though I imagine your mom would like to see my head on a stick. I’m feeling brave today.”

  I try to hide my smile. He obviously hasn’t forgotten what she can be like. I love my mom, but she’s formidable if you cross her or anyone she loves. And I have to admit, that even though what happened between us was a long time ago, she’s probably not going to go easy on him. I watch as he peels another banana for the smoothie. It’s funny, but I feel both wary and pleased at this new development. I’m wary that things are moving so quickly, but I’m pleased Ben is taking this relationship seriously.

  “You don’t have to come with me today,” I say, giving him an out in case he was offering to go from a sense of obligation. “You probably have other plans.”

  “You’re afraid for me aren’t you? It’s going to be like leading a lamb to the slaughter.”

  I laugh. “It won’t be that bad. I’ve already told her that we’ve been talking on the phone and stuff.” Though I admit I haven’t given her any indication that we’re romantically involved again, because I know I’m going to get an ear full.

  “We could still go for a quick run before we head over,” he says, reaching into the fridge for a large brown jar. After opening it, he spoons out some green powder into the blender along with the fruit. “It’s nice to go out before the day gets too hot.”

  “I, uh....” I open my mouth, trying to come up with some excuse. The truth is after having sex all night—two nights in a row, I’m exhausted. I know back in our twenties this would have been nothing, but I guess I’m an old crone now. Ben, of course, isn’t tired in the least bit, but then he’s always had enough energy to light up a city. “I don’t have any clothes,” I say with relief, remembering that all I have is what I wore last night. “And the only shoes I have with me are those sandals.”

  “Oh yeah, I forgot—next time then.” He turns on the blender and the kitchen is filled with white noise. After about a minute he turns it off and carefully fills two large glasses with what appears to be thick swamp water and hands one of them to me.

  I stare inside the glass. “Why is it so green?” I may not be a health nut, but I love smoothies. In my experience though they’re usually pink or purple from the berries. Leave it to Ben to come up with some concoction that looks like a science experiment gone wrong.

  “It’s the spirulina. Don’t worry, you can barely taste it when it’s mixed with all the fruit.”

  “Oh.” I wonder what the heck spirulina is, but I’m afraid to ask. I probably don’t want to know anyway. I take a tentative sip. It’s fruity, but definitely swampy.

  Ben eyes me expectantly. “What do you think?

  “It’s sweet.”

  “See, it’s good.” He lifts his glass and drinks it down in a few large gulps.

  It occurs to me that if I’m going to keep up with Ben I’ll probably need to drink weird stuff like this. Maybe it’s werewolf juice or the human equivalent to vampire blood. I should be glad he’s feeding it to me, or at least that’s what I tell myself, as I bring it to my lips and hold my breath.

  ***

  We arrive at my parent’s house around noon. Pulling into their driveway, I park right behind another car that I don’t recognize. This isn’t that unusual as my parents are fairly social and have friends over regularly. Since it’s a sunny day I figure they’re probably in the backyard. My dad is a master gardener and as a result the bac
kyard is so lush and overflowing with vegetables and flowers that it generally looks like something out of a magazine. When I was a little kid I used to help him and it was a nice way for us to spend time together.

  Ben and I walk along the gravel path and through the wooden gate that leads out back and sure enough I find my dad. He’s standing next to a wooden frame, building something. I’m a little nervous at how he’ll react to seeing Ben again, though not as nervous as how my mom is going to react.

  “Hey Kiddo!” he calls over to me. He sees Ben and I can tell he’s trying to place him.

  “Hi Dad, I brought someone you haven’t seen in a while. Do you remember Ben Mathews?”

  “Ben Mathews?” His face clears, but he seems unsure of how to respond. He looks at me for guidance and I smile.

  “Ben and I met up recently and have been spending some time together.”

  “Is that right?” My dad puts his hand out towards Ben. “How have you been?”

  “I’ve been great, thank you. How about yourself?” Ben says, shaking my dad’s hand.

  Luckily my dad isn’t one to hold a grudge, though I know he was stunned by how things ended between Ben and me all those years ago. My parents liked him and even suspected we’d marry though—unlike Ben—they understood when I told them I wasn’t ready yet.

  “Good. I can’t complain. Retirement has kept me busy. There are a lot of projects around here, so I’m enjoying myself.”

  “Whose car is that parked in the driveway?” I ask.

  “Some friends of your mother’s.”

  Just as he says this a little girl of about three comes running up to us. She’s super cute with a riot of long blonde curls and dazzling blue eyes. “Hi!” she says, grinning up at the three of us. I smile down at her and then look around confused as to where this child came from. It’s then that I notice my mother walking towards us with two other women beside her.

  “Maddie!” One of the women calls out. “Come on back over here.”

  The little girl immediately turns on her heels and runs back over.

  “Hi Mom,” I say, when the group comes up to us.

  “Hi Sweetheart,” she says. “I’m glad you’re here. I invited some friends over that I think you’ll be interested in speaking with.” She suddenly notices Ben standing next to me. “My goodness, Ben Mathews—is that you?”

  “Hello Mrs. Alexander,” Ben says politely. “It’s nice to see you again.”

  My mom stares at him and then at me, her eyes sharp. Nothing gets past her. I can tell she’s already figured everything out. It’s scary.

  “Hello Benjamin,” she says curtly, and then to me, “I hope you know what you’re doing, Kate.”

  “I’m fine.”

  She nods, but I can tell she’s not convinced. And even though she usually stays out of my love life I know this time I’m going to hear all about it. “This is Lynn and Karma.” She motions towards the two women. The one standing next to me smiles, and the other one who’s a few feet away, pulling the little girl’s hands off my dad’s tomato plants, turns and says “Hi” to me. “I told them about your situation and they said they didn’t mind coming over to talk to you about what their experience has been like.”

  “Their experience?” Something about this is tickling my memory, but for some reason I can’t conjure it up.

  “Yes, with using a sperm donor. That’s how they had Maddie.” She turns to the blonde woman on her right, “I’m sorry, you don’t mind my discussing this openly here do you?”

  Lynn shrugs. “Not at all.” She turns to me and smiles, putting her hand on my arm. “It’s been a really positive experience for us. Obviously I have a partner, so I didn’t go through pregnancy alone, but it sounds like you have a super supportive family.”

  Oh. My. God.

  I nearly groan out loud as I remember exactly who they are. Of all days for Ben to have come along for a visit with my parents. I look over at him, feeling completely mortified. He has a stunned expression on his face and I can only imagine what he’s thinking.

  “Uh, I think I’ll get back to building those cold frames,” my dad says, never one for being around too much ‘female talk’.

  “Need any help?” Ben offers.

  My dad gives him an assessing gaze. “Sure, I could use a hand.”

  My mom leads the rest of us back into the house where we sit down at the kitchen table, which has already been set up with a platter of cookies and sweet breads.

  “Coffee anyone?” she asks.

  We all agree to a cup and my mom busies herself preparing it. Lynn and Karma are both looking at me expectantly as if I must have all sorts of questions, when in truth I can’t think of anything. Not wanting to appear impolite, I rack my brain.

  “So how did you guys decide on which donor?” I finally ask.

  Karma grins. “It wasn’t easy, but we knew we wanted someone that had Lynn’s physical characteristics and some of her interests too.”

  I look at them confused. “Oh, why is that? I thought—didn’t Lynn give birth to Maddie?”

  Upon hearing her name Maddie comes over from where she was playing on the floor and climbs into Lynn’s lap. Spying the plate of cookies she immediately tries to scramble onto the table for them. I watch as Lynn pulls her back down and then puts an oatmeal chip cookie on a napkin. The little girl picks it up and nibbles on it, beaming up at me. “These are good!”

  I nod in agreement. “My mom makes them and they’re my favorite cookies in the whole world.”

  She nods solemnly upon hearing this, her lips pursed. Discussions about cookies are serious business. But then she smiles again. “Can I have another one?”

  “First eat the one you have,” Lynn says. She kisses the top of her head.

  Karma looks at the two of them and then over to me. “Maddie is biologically my daughter.”

  “Really?” I take a bite of cookie, trying to figure this out. “How is that possible?”

  Karma explains how they impregnated Lynn with one of Karma’s fertilized eggs, so Lynn in actuality gave birth to her partner’s child. She explains how a lot of fertility doctors prefer this method of insemination. Instead of putting the sperm inside you and hoping for the best they pull a few eggs out, fertilize them with the donor sperm and then implant them in your uterus.

  “Really? I didn’t know that.” Truth is I don’t know how any of this works. I figured you brought the sperm home and stuck it in the freezer right next to the Rocky Road.

  “Of course you could always inseminate vaginally,” Lynn says. “You don’t have to use IVF like we did, although because of your age they might suggest it.”

  “Oh.” It’s weird to think of myself as being so old that pregnancy could be a problem for me. I’ve spent my whole adult life trying not to get pregnant. What if I really am too old? The thought sends a strange panic coursing through me and I take another bite of cookie, trying to push it back down again.

  Karma tells me how with their next child they plan to do the exact same thing except they’ll use Lynn’s fertilized egg to impregnate Karma. They’ve already purchased the sperm.

  “Wow,” I say.

  Lynn laughs. “It’s a bit like something from a science fiction movie, isn’t it?”

  “It is.” I nod, laughing with her.

  “It’s wonderful to have options though,” my mom says as she comes over and joins us with a carafe of coffee, placing it on the table along with some creamer. She brings mugs over and sits down to join us.

  Karma is nodding her head. “Using an anonymous donor has given us a lot of freedom and I think it’s made the whole process easier in many ways for everyone.”

  She starts to tell us about their family’s reaction to all this and how hard it was at times, but also how supportive they were once they accepted it. As they talk about their experiences I can’t help but notice how well the two of them complement each other. I watch the way Lynn passes Maddie to Karma for a while, so she can
eat and enjoy a mug of coffee. They’re so in sync, not just lovers, but friends too. Watching them I feel envious. They have what I want. I want that kind of ease and comfort. I want to be with someone who really understands me. Someone I can have a meeting of the minds with, not just the bodies. I wonder if maybe I haven’t been making the best choices with the men I’ve dated over the years since Ben. Why didn’t I ever find this? Is it really that difficult? At least Ben and I are together again. Despite our differences, we were once close.

  ***

  After Lynn and Karma leave I help my mom clean up the kitchen, loading the dishwasher and putting the cookies into a Tupperware container.

  “What did you think of them?” she asks, wrapping up the rest of the banana bread.

  “I like them. They were really down to earth and easy to talk to.”

  She nods. “They’re good people.”

  “I should tell you—I don’t think I’m ready to jump into something this drastic. I know I said I’d think about having a baby on my own, but it seems too daunting.”

  She leans against the counter and appears to consider my words. “What’s daunting is letting your life slip by and then waking up one morning wishing you had done something drastic. You don’t have forever Kate. If being a mother is something you want to experience, then you should do it.”

  “But I’ve always imagined myself parenting with a husband, not on my own as a single mother. That has to be hard.”

  She shrugs. “People get divorced, husbands die. There are no certainties in life. Obviously your dad and I will help in every way possible.”

  “I know, but still.”

  “I’m not trying to push you into anything, though you probably think I am. I just don’t like the idea of you waiting around for a man who may never show up.”

  “Well, you might be surprised. Maybe he’s here right now.”

  “Benjamin?” She shakes her head. “Ben is not the man for you.”

  “How can you say that? You don’t know anything about him anymore.”